New Low - Housemate made me cry this morning

[SaraSnow]

OK so I posted previously about my housemate, who is loud, inconsiderate and generally makes me uncomfortable being around him.

 

Well, for two nights he has played his music until about 11pm, loudly. I haven't been feeling great - the first night I got some news which made me a bt anxious. I kinda needed a quiet night to unwind. However I didn't really get that, due to his music playing until 11pm. I ended up not sleeping until 3am.

 

The next day at work was a struggle. When I got home and got into bed, watch a bit of TV and planned to start settling to sleep at abut 9pm. Again, his music played until 10,30pm.

 

So after a hellish day at work on Friday, feeling exhausted, I get home and again, he plays music until 11pm. By this point, I have a cough, runny nose, groggy head etc.

 

I NEED this lie in on Saturday morning, but he plays music from 8.30AM!!!!!!!

 

SURELY this isn't a reasonable time to play music?

 

Why does he even need to play music? Cant he go about getting ready without it? Whats so wrong with headphones?!

 

Whats worse is that his taste is awful. I don't know who/wat it is he is playing, but it is akin to a woman or cat wailing.

 

So anyway, having not been ale to get to sleep until 11pm, feeling ill and being woken up at 8.30am, I start crying. Actually crying.

 

I send him a text (the first one i've ever sent) asking him if he would mind turning it down a bit please?

 

He doesn't respond, doesn't apologise for waking me up. To be honest, I can't be sure he even gets my text.

 

He turns the music off, and I can only describe it as gallops down the stairs. He then proceeds to watch TV (which I can hear, though it's less annoying than his music).

 

He came up to his room and proceeded to play music - albeit at a lower level.

 

Seriously, could he not have apologised? I wasn't able to get back to sleep and essentially, his sounds have dominated my saturday morning lie in (and I rarely have a lie in on weekends).

 

Following some of your advice, I plan on asking my second housemate to see if this has affected him - though he isn't around as much as I am.

 

I feel like there is no reasoning with this guy. He couldn't even acknowledge my text - he did play his music slightly lower, but still continued t make noise with no consideration the impact this has on the other people who live there.

 

I am also concerned our neighbours are going to become indignant. They are normally very quiet, but yesterday started playing music too. I'm not sure if I'm being paranoid, but it felt like it was retaliation music! I do not want myself or my housemates to be tarnished r blamed y his poor behaviour

 

I have been recently offered a new job in a new city - so praise Jesus I may be moving soon anyway (providing everything goes to plan).

 

Someone suggested I mention the noise to the landlord. However I explained I felt uncomfortable doing this, since the housemate and the landlord are buddies.

 

They suggested I make up a story about how a neighbour mentioned they could hear music loudly etc.

 

Do you think this is a good idea?

 

The whole text thing and the fact he ignored it, has made me feel there isn't much reasoning with this guy.

[bathtub-row]

I haven't read your previous post about this but my guess is that he's doing this stuff on purpose. How long before you move out?

[SaraSnow]

I haven't read your previous post about this but my guess is that he's doing this stuff on purpose. How long before you move out?

 

Yeah, well, my impression is that it's more that he just doesn't care.

 

My previous post was my being annoyed because of laundry etiquette - he keeps taking my stuff out, the second it ends (and I suspect sometimes sooner). It was stressing me out because I found it a bit intrusive.

 

it could be 1-2 months.

 

I feel I have a moral obligation to warn off anyone who wants to live here.

[evanescentworld]

Yeah, well, my impression is that it's more that he just doesn't care.

 

.....

 

I feel I have a moral obligation to warn off anyone who wants to live here.

 

Mmmmm.... dodgy.

While I can understand your anger and frustration, you may not be on solid ground there.

Morally, yes.

Legally, I'd be very careful.... All kinds of problems on so many levels....

[elaine567]

What about having a word with him face to face?

If that does no good, then there are always earplugs.

[SpiralOut]

Did you explain to him that you've been feeling unwell and need to go to sleep early, and that his music makes that hard?

 

 

This guy sounds inconsiderate. At the same time, it sounds like you aren't saying anything to him, aside from texting him that one time - which he did listen to and turn down his music. If you haven't said anything then he probably has no clue he is bothering you.

People like this need to be spoken to sometimes.

[stillafool]

You should have confronted him face to face instead of sending a text. This is probably why he didn't apologize to you in person. You should talk to him and tell him how you feel. Maybe you should have went to him with your tears to show him how this is affecting you.

[evanescentworld]

The big problem is that the OP has social anxiety issues.

I think she may find the (I agree) necessary confrontation and directness required, daunting.

[preraph]

For young people, 11 at night playing music is, if anything, early. You can't expect anyone to be quiet in bed by 10:30 except a few geriatric earlybirds. I am geriatric, but I am up watching tv until 12 or 1. At his age, I was up every night and playing music all hours.

 

This obviously isn't a good fit for you. Frankly, I'm not sure ANY roommate arrangement will be a good fit for you. I think you need to get the cheapest place you can find and live by yourself. And I know that if you get an apartment, you're going to then be unhappy with the noise coming from the people next door, either their kids or their footsteps or their music, so you just need to get out and get a house by yourself. A shack alone is better than a nice apartment with roommates anyway. No apartment building is ever quiet. For me the biggest disturbance was when they started letting kids in to what used to be adult complexes and they were up screaming at 7 in the morning. But yours seems to be music or sex or anything a young person does and will continue to do. So you need to live alone. If you have had a successful roommate situation before, I think it was just dumb luck. Normal young people have a life after 10 at night.

[evanescentworld]

preraph, I think the guy is a good bit older than the other tenants. As I recall, he's a 'friend' of the Landlord, was there first and seems to have a sense of entitlement....

 

As for the remainder of your post, I completely agree - to the extent that my H and I have in the past, had separate rooms, because I am a dreadfully light sleeper - and, bless him, he snores like a

.....

[SaraSnow]

Mmmmm.... dodgy.

Legally, I'd be very careful.... All kinds of problems on so many levels....

 

Yeah, I hadn't considered that.

 

But if one of the housemates had said "Yeah, hes tidy, neat, doesn't steal your stuff BUT he is incredibly loud, in terms of foot stomping, slamming doors etc. then this house might not be right for you".

 

Also, he's on the top floor. Really, he should have stayed at the bottom floor as this would have minimised the noise he creates.

[SaraSnow]

preraph, I think the guy is a good bit older than the other tenants. As I recall, he's a 'friend' of the Landlord, was there first and seems to have a sense of entitlement....

 

As for the remainder of your post, I completely agree - to the extent that my H and I have in the past, had separate rooms, because I am a dreadfully light sleeper - and, bless him, he snores like a

.....

 

Good memory!

[evanescentworld]

I hate to tell you this, but noise doesn't care which way it goes. If the internal insulation is poor, noise will travel all ways - up, down, across, diagonally, through floors, walls and ceilings....

 

Sadly, it really sounds as if his room upstairs could do with a really thick layer of carpet. Like - about a dozen....

[SaraSnow]

For young people, 11 at night playing music is, if anything, early. You can't expect anyone to be quiet in bed by 10:30 except a few geriatric earlybirds. I am geriatric, but I am up watching tv until 12 or 1. At his age, I was up every night and playing music all hours.

 

This obviously isn't a good fit for you. Frankly, I'm not sure ANY roommate arrangement will be a good fit for you. I think you need to get the cheapest place you can find and live by yourself. And I know that if you get an apartment, you're going to then be unhappy with the noise coming from the people next door, either their kids or their footsteps or their music, so you just need to get out and get a house by yourself. A shack alone is better than a nice apartment with roommates anyway. No apartment building is ever quiet. For me the biggest disturbance was when they started letting kids in to what used to be adult complexes and they were up screaming at 7 in the morning. But yours seems to be music or sex or anything a young person does and will continue to do. So you need to live alone. If you have had a successful roommate situation before, I think it was just dumb luck. Normal young people have a life after 10 at night.

 

He isn't "young" per se. He's the oldest, being in his early 30s. we all work full time.

 

I would agree that 11pm isn't particularly late. However it's more an ongoing thing. Like, if he played it ONE night until that time, no big deal.

 

But he is consistently loud - doors slamming (I honestly don't know why he feels the need to slam doors, particularly the front door. It isn't difficult to open or shut at all). His feet are unlike anything I have heard - it is like living below an elephant. With the music playing, almost every time he is in the house - it is draining in a way I can't describe.

 

I literally never get a moment of quiet, to relax. And this is just the noise issue. He is inconsiderate in many other ways.

 

I am a sociable person, I like to live in a lively house. I have never had an issue with housemates before. I don't think i'd be suited to living alone at all in fact.

 

The difference is, when I socialise after 10pm, I am still considerate. For example, I asked all my housemates if they were happy for me to have visitors, any time I have had people stay over.

 

I had a night out with my best friend, we came back in the early hours of the morning. I made sure we tok our shoes off at the door, whispered, tptoed etc. so as not to disturb anyone.

 

In contrast, when he comes back late at night, he will quite happily yell. He once yelled down the stairs to his girlfriend, asking her to ring something up - At 1am.

 

Our street is a mixture of families, students and young professionals as well. As a street, it's pretty good. In fact, I feel sorry for the students next door - my housemate is much, much louder than them, when you'd expect it to be the other way round!

[SaraSnow]

I hate to tell you this, but noise doesn't care which way it goes. If the internal insulation is poor, noise will travel all ways - up, down, across, diagonally, through floors, walls and ceilings....

 

Sadly, it really sounds as if his room upstairs could do with a really thick layer of carpet. Like - about a dozen....

 

well, our house is quite strange in that, noises seem to travel between floors. The ground room is stuck out and doesn't connect to other rooms, so in that respect it is a lot quieter. It would also mean he wouldn't need to gallop up the stairs.

 

Also, before he moved to the top bedroom, the noise issue wasn't really a big deal at all. He really is poorly suited to that room.

[SaraSnow]

You should have confronted him face to face instead of sending a text. This is probably why he didn't apologize to you in person. You should talk to him and tell him how you feel. Maybe you should have went to him with your tears to show him how this is affecting you.

 

Yeah face to face is always better.

 

but I promise the tone of the text was pleasant and polite.

 

Aside from hating confrontation, I sent the text because it was 8.30am. I had just been woken up and didn't want to face him, get out of bed, in my PJS etc.

 

It was sent because I wanted him to lower it ASAP so I could get back to sleep with as little disturbance as possible.

[SaraSnow]

Did you explain to him that you've been feeling unwell and need to go to sleep early, and that his music makes that hard?

 

 

This guy sounds inconsiderate. At the same time, it sounds like you aren't saying anything to him, aside from texting him that one time - which he did listen to and turn down his music. If you haven't said anything then he probably has no clue he is bothering you.

People like this need to be spoken to sometimes.

 

Yep I just find confrontation very, very difficult. I know I will need to man up at some point and face it - and on many occasions I do.

 

I guess with a housemate situation - it has the potential to create awkwardness within the place I live. He feels like a stranger to me, so it feels like I am speaking to someone off the street in quite a personal manner.

 

I have always been friends, or become friends, with the people I live with. This is protection in itself - they have to be considerate or they risk losing a friend and vice versa.

I won't make the mistake of getting into a house share with someone I can't see myself befriending, ever again.

[Haydn]

Sara, sorry to hear your problems continue. Be good when you can move.

 

Agree with EW, don`t confront if you feel uncomfortable.

 

Try to `tough` to it out.

 

Some people eh?

[evanescentworld]

Yep I just find confrontation very, very difficult. I know I will need to man up at some point and face it - and on many occasions I do.

 

I guess with a housemate situation - it has the potential to create awkwardness within the place I live. He feels like a stranger to me, so it feels like I am speaking to someone off the street in quite a personal manner.

 

I have always been friends, or become friends, with the people I live with. This is protection in itself - they have to be considerate or they risk losing a friend and vice versa.

I won't make the mistake of getting into a house share with someone I can't see myself befriending, ever again.

 

here's a thought (I have them, occasionally. I know, perilous....)

 

Have you considered actually HAND-WRITING him a note, explaining how difficult you find it currently to speak to people on a one-to-one basis... Tell him that you're sorry to be doing it this way, but potential, possible confrontational situations make you feel very anxious, and you're given to panic attacks (I know, pump it up a bit) but also approach the noise issue - all of it - the yelling at the GF, the noise when coming home, the music at all hours, the stomping...

You don't want him to stop having fun or doing those things, but could he please be mindful of his volume...? Be polite, and grateful....

 

....And keep a copy of the letter as a record, and put another into one of the drawers for the new tenants to find when they move in....

[seekingpeaceinlove]

Sorry about your inconsiderate roommate, OP. That is why I have always lived on my own even though it's breaking my bank living in the SF Bay! Sounds like you don't have much of a choice but the grin and bear it until you move out. Try using earplugs and strapping your phone to your arm so you can feel the vibration when your alarm goes off. Not getting enough sleep drives me insane so I understand your frustrations.

[preraph]

preraph, I think the guy is a good bit older than the other tenants. As I recall, he's a 'friend' of the Landlord, was there first and seems to have a sense of entitlement....

 

As for the remainder of your post, I completely agree - to the extent that my H and I have in the past, had separate rooms, because I am a dreadfully light sleeper - and, bless him, he snores like a

.....

 

Which will be comforting as you grow older because you'll know the crocodile is still alive!

[evanescentworld]

Apt nickname.

 

he gets so snappy if woken too early.....

 

[preraph]

He's not old. He's in his early 30s and single. Same thing as 25 and single, really. If he loves music, that's just not going to stop or get toned down. And Sara, you or no one else should have to tiptoe and whisper in your apartment! Home is where you're supposed to be able to live. I'm sorry this is a bad match for you, but it seems like you're the one going to have to make the move. If he is being intentionally loud slamming doors, it's probably because he knows he's untouchable.

 

What will you do when you get married and have teenagers????? You won't be able to leave and move away from them!

[SpiralOut]

The big problem is that the OP has social anxiety issues.

I think she may find the (I agree) necessary confrontation and directness required, daunting.

 

Oh I understand that completely. I have social anxiety issues too. Not as bad now as I used to. I had roommates in the past that were rude and thoughtless. I had to confront them and I was so scared my hands were shaking. Then they just stood there and made excuses or argued back which was even more difficult. I would have to argue back, and sometimes they listened, sometimes not. There were many times when I would end up back in my bedroom so angry my whole body was shaking. It took me hours to calm down. I ended up moving out because dealing with them was so difficult. However, it felt good to know that at least I tried.

 

 

The main point I was trying to make to the OP is that it's not fair to get mad at him for being loud when you were sick. I mean it's not as if he KNEW he was keeping a sick person awake at night. Give him the benefit of the doubt and talk to him first. Maybe if you're lucky he'll be nice and try to be more quiet for you. It could at least make things more bearable until you are able to move out. If he doesn't listen, then oh well at least you tried. If you don't say anything then you'll continue to feel angry not just at him, but at yourself also. You're going to meet many people in life who are inconsiderate and they will walk on you if you don't say anything. Consider this situation a blessing in disguise. It gives you a chance to practice being assertive.

 

 

And the only way to get over a fear of confrontation is to just do it. Keep doing it when necessary and eventually it becomes less scary. If doing it alone is too hard, maybe ask one of the other roommates to come with you for emotional support.

Edited February 1, 2015 by SpiralOut

[whichwayisup]

Many people now, especially teens, listen to their music with ear buds in so really why can't he do that? Get a headset/ear phones? Problem solved with the music.

 

Anyway the roommate is being inconsiderate seeing as they are other people in the house other than him. Doesn't give him the right to do whatever he wants all the time.