Meeting people that actually 'care'

[Rbl325]

Howdy.

 

So. Over the past few months ive really been thinking about my life. In a nutshell about how hollow it has been for the past 2 years. 2 years ago i was quite traumaticly kicked out of my social circle. And well now that i think of it. Were these people really as close friends as they liked to pretend?

 

I am inheritly someone that cares too much. I'l help anyone to the point where it hurts me. This has put me in the situation on multiple occasion where im welcome as long as its suited. And then discarded in a dishonest way. cq. by accusations etc.

 

So. i guess along with the task to make new friends. Which is already proving impossibly difficult being introverted and quite shy. I even need to be more picky somehow. and prevent that from happening again.

 

I guess my question to you all is. How do you pick your closest friends? People you trust your problems with. From which you know they are there for you whatever happens?

 

I apologize if my question seems somewhat pathetic. But im really quite serious about it

[amaysngrace]

In order to have a true friend you must first be a true friend. But it's a balancing act just like anything else.

 

If you're the type to always be the one to go over and beyond to win friendships then of course some people are going to swoon in and exploit that.

 

On the other hand if you just only call people when you need something from them but don't ever help them out if you can then they're going to leave pretty quickly.

 

Do you know how to be a good friend?

[Rbl325]

Well do i know how to be a good friend? I'd use to think so yes.

 

The thing that confuses me though is. And i know your probably wont believe me. But when i help people. I really do it because i can't stand suffering, or people having trouble. Genuine altruism. Or atleast. That is what i think it is. Of course i can't say if subconsciously another motive might be at work. If however that would be the case, i think i would be disgusted by me as well:S

 

The thing is i guess. I dont call people for help at all. Or rather almost never. Its however the moment that this need does arise that the true nature of a friendship becomes clear.

[amaysngrace]

If you need help you should ask. Or do you ask and nobody ever does? I'm confused.

 

And if it's for money then no...not lending somebody money does not make you a bad friend unless you are loaded and won't ever miss it because lent money is really just a gift, or should be viewed as such.

[Rbl325]

Well. No its not so much about money. Or about physical things at all. Im thinking about moral or emotional support.

 

I am in nature a very closed off person. I dont readily talk about my feelings and stuff. And then im not talking like your avarage male. Like really closed off in that sense. But when i need help. I really do. That aside its ofcourse something im working on. It takes alot of effort. But bit by bit im changing this beheviour.

 

Funny thing is that when it comes to other peoples emotions. I find it easy to relate to them. And help them reflect on themselves.

 

I guess the gist of it is that. I wont often ask for help, Support, etc. But once i do it means that i really need it. Then however no friends are to be spotted.

[todreaminblue]

i am an altruist and how i find people who care is to be part of organisations either volunteer or charity and i meet wonderful people.....i find it hard to say no and i cant stand suffering for example people who ring me charities asking for money saying how they are struggling and if i could just donate twenty dollars a month i could help a whole village.......so .....i get about fifteen charities ringing and asking me for money i think they all work in the same building,.....my true friends and family keep telling me not to answer my phone.....

 

you have to have a cut off point.......and mine is when i dont have any money left......or used to be.......

 

to find out if you are being used either for money or your personality.....you need to be able to say no......i cant lend you any money...no i cant be there i have something on.......and not drop everything that is important to you to help someone else allllll the time......as amaysn posted there has to be a balance.......or you burn out.....and retreat because you cant handle it anymore......and this does happen to me......i burn out......

 

i would love to help everyone......anyone anytime any place........but i cant physically or emotionally be there for everyone......so i choose to have a small circle of close and trusted friends and family as my inner circle......

 

 

even with them.....i have to have balance....its easy to be taken advantage of if you let people take advantage....you have to be able to say no......

 

as far as trust goes......that comes with knowing someone......and that of course takes time.....you can be altruistic and have friends......but you have to be a little altruistic to yourself as well.......i am part of a church that believes in altruism but also self sufficiency....we have a society of women called the women's relief society........ and i have made friends whom i believe will be life long......they are good eggs......

 

 

you just need to find some good eggs....and good eggs are easy to find......throw them in the water if they sink they are good...kidding.....but i do suggest....maybe church ...definitely volunteer organisations....and any organisation that promotes helping those less fortunate....people who volunteer normally do so for love of helping...and learn how to say no when its appropriate............deb

Edited January 27, 2015 by todreaminblue

[SaraSnow]

Howdy.

 

So. Over the past few months ive really been thinking about my life. In a nutshell about how hollow it has been for the past 2 years. 2 years ago i was quite traumaticly kicked out of my social circle. And well now that i think of it. Were these people really as close friends as they liked to pretend?

 

I am inheritly someone that cares too much. I'l help anyone to the point where it hurts me. This has put me in the situation on multiple occasion where im welcome as long as its suited. And then discarded in a dishonest way. cq. by accusations etc.

 

So. i guess along with the task to make new friends. Which is already proving impossibly difficult being introverted and quite shy. I even need to be more picky somehow. and prevent that from happening again.

 

I guess my question to you all is. How do you pick your closest friends? People you trust your problems with. From which you know they are there for you whatever happens?

 

I apologize if my question seems somewhat pathetic. But im really quite serious about it

 

Wow, it sounds as though I could have written this post!

 

I'm introverted and shy also.

 

At school, and at uni, I have been rejected from social circles to varying degrees.

 

My problem is that I tend to become quite close to the wrong people - in both school and university I befriended two girls who were VERY similar. They were extroverts and so found it easy to make new friends (maybe this was why I was drawn to them?)

 

However both liked to try and control me to an extent - being quite altruistic myself, I could never stay annoyed for long. Plus i'm pretty laid back.

 

However both these girls wanted to "stifle" me. They pretended they had my best interests at heart, but were deeply jealous of any achievements I had.

 

Both would use me for their own gain - whether it was bringing me to an event because they had no-one else to go with, but wouldn't return the favor. They would both also throw me under the bus for their own interests.

 

It has taken me about 5 years to recognise this personality type, and I hope I won't befriend someone like this again.

 

As we sound very similar, I will give you some advice and experiences I have garnered;

 

• I too, am very closed off emotionally. In romantic relationships, it is usually deemed selfish to not share your emotions (emotionally unavailable). I believe this applies to platonic relationships as well. Instead of seeing your issues as something to be hidden or reserved, see them as something to be shared. Sharing your emotions, whether they be negative or positive, is generous. (emotionally generous, to be exact). It makes you more relatable and helps people care about you.
   
  I'll provide you with a case study - one of the friends I mentioned above, she had done a long list of horrible things to me. We had a big talk - I got very emotional, crying etc. She was visibly upset also, but no tears. I had hoped this would be a step forward for our friendship, that she would begin to appreciate me as a friend instead of walking over me.
   
  However, she didn't. I sent a text (not particularly aggressive or angry), criticizing her for some small thing.
   
  She reacted completely out of proportion - she went crying (full on sobbing) to our friends, unbeknownst to me at the time. It was completely over the top and extremely manipulative. She told them all how bad a friend I had been. It was easier for them to take her side, because she was the one sobbing and showing this emotion, whereas I had been acting calm and like nothing was wrong (though deeply hurt on the inside).
   
  

• I agree with a lot of people saying if you know how to be a good friend. I have pondered this myself, to the extent this applies.
  I have been a great friend - thoughtful, kind, been there during hard times, readily available for social events etc. Yet these same people take it for granted and let me down.
   
  On the other hand, I know a girl who is utterly selfish and generally, a horrible person. But she has a great sense of humor, she is fun to be around, and she has a ton of "friends".
  People sometimes just want someone who is easy and fun to be around I guess.
  I'm still working out how to navigate this one. It is a fine balancing act, as others have pointed out. And sometimes I think you have to go against your better nature to avoid being taken for granted.
   
  There are people out there who are ready to be great friends, they can be difficult to find.
  

 

• I once was crying to my mum, over some rejection from a social group. I kept asking her, what was wrong with me, that I kept getting rejected by people? She told me that, friends come and go A LOT. In your life, you may only have a handful of friends you feel you can truly count on.
   
  For me, this seems to be the case. I have a close, best friend. We've been friends for years, and yes, frequently she will let me down (and I have let her down too). But I know we both deeply care for each other and I am deeply grateful to have her as my friend.
  

 

I think my advice to you would be;

- reserve your kindness, as difficult as it will be. Make sure you reserve it for people who really need it, or people who will appreciate it.

- share your emotions and thoughts with people.

 

Also, I have begun to appreciate that not all friendships are going to be close. In my friendship circle, sometimes I wonder if half of the group truly cares about the other half.

 

A lot of the girls in my group, I have seen a nasty side to. It has made me not want to get much closer to them. However they are fun to hang out on a superficial level, and they are people to socialize with. This type of crowd can sometimes even introduce you to new, better friends (this has happened to me).

[Rbl325]

Sarah. Wow, thanks alot for your ellaborate response. What you say makes sense indeed. I suppose in the end, being a good friend is also a matter of letting eachother know what you need or look for. Being more open about emotion and needs is i guess the way to do that.

 

Also what you say about the less close friendships. Sure they are fine too. I guess the friendships i have known for the last couple of years fall into that category. I have no trouble having a laugh with em. Having perhaps a casual talk. But thats as far as it goes.

 

Thanks for the insight!

[SaraSnow]

Sarah. Wow, thanks alot for your ellaborate response. What you say makes sense indeed. I suppose in the end, being a good friend is also a matter of letting eachother know what you need or look for. Being more open about emotion and needs is i guess the way to do that.

 

Also what you say about the less close friendships. Sure they are fine too. I guess the friendships i have known for the last couple of years fall into that category. I have no trouble having a laugh with em. Having perhaps a casual talk. But thats as far as it goes.

 

Thanks for the insight!

 

No problem Good luck wih everything.

 

I've been through a difficult period myself. I enjoy having a good social life but, though I haven't been rejected from a social group, they have tended to move on to other things.

 

I've thrown myself into travelling around my area a lot - sightseeing, as this is something that interests me a lot. I've also applied to grad school and have just gotten a new job. The whole friendship situation for me has made me also realise how important my family are to me. It's also forced me to learn to be happy by myself (a very useful skill to have, trust me!)

 

So, i'd also suggest looking to fulfill your life with other things - your life doesn't have to be hollow because you haven't got a large group of people who love you (honestly, sometimes it just takes a few of the right people to care about you, and the rest don't matter). Like a previous post suggested - try volunteering.

 

When you are happy and feel your life has a bit more substance - people will be drawn to you.

[Rbl325]

Cool. Like you im starting an education next year as well. Which i guess will improve my social situation alot as well. Its going to be an arts education, so thats means naturally that you end up with people with similar interests.

 

Sightseeing is cool too yeah. I love going out in nature, practicing photography. So in that sense its not like my life is empty. However in the end i kind of come to the conclusion that nonstop distracting yourself with hobbies isnt so good either. I guess a ballance of sorts is required.

 

Volunteering i also have been considering yup. Ive done it alot in the past. Helping out at a local music theater. watching kids at school etc. I think it might be time to pick that up again.

 

Again. Thanks for your input. Its very much apreciated. And i hope grad school works out for you!

[carhill]

I guess my question to you all is. How do you pick your closest friends? People you trust your problems with. From which you know they are there for you whatever happens?

 

Decades of interaction.

 

Here's a tip: You'll be more easily able to discern people who care if you become more self-involved. If you're always out there selflessly giving of yourself your care meter is disabled because people don't get a chance to care about you or you simply can't discern their care because you're so focused outward.

 

Lastly, if not already comfortable, learn to be comfortable and satisfied being alone. Friends are nice, as are lovers and family, but life throws curves, as you apparently discovered, and none of us are accompanied out of this world by anyone. We're alone. Accepting the solitary path enables any gifts of friendship received, even if transitory, as valued and uplifting moments in life. That's all they are, moments. Sometimes, a string of them will last awhile; rarely for life. Enjoying the moment and accepting when it's gone, along with becoming more self-involved, has been key to finding balance in such matters for myself.