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Not sure whether to dump this wishy washy friend


La Trese

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I am not sure how to describe this friend without writing an essay but I will try. I met this person 3 years ago and we were super close. I helped her through a breakup and a tough friend situation, she helped me through a tough friend situation...etc. We would hang out every other day, study together, talk about everything, typical best friend stuff. Then we went through a friend group drama where she basically got kicked out of the group. She started acting all weird and distant even to me even though I had nothing to do with it. Its weird because when I see her around, she will stop me and have a conversation. She will suggest things like, oh we should hang out, oh we should do this, oh we should do that. Then i'll invite her somewhere, either its no response or she will hesitantly come acting as if it was my idea when she was the one who wanted to do it. She will still occasionally message me and invite me places but then act confused when I follow up on it. I once mentioned to her, oh you are my best friend because we would still hang out daily. and she looked at me and was like..."no you aren't...i mean...i just don't like that word". and I was like...uh ok I guess we aren't then my bad and never mentioned it to her again. Then like three months later she casually mentions she is my best friend and I was so confused. I didn't say it back to her this time. She did the same thing when she talked about how we should go to vegas for weeks on end I actually followed up on it, she said something like "Oh my mom won't let me go i'm busy" when she was the one who hyped it up and brought it up every single time we talked and we even set a time when she is free, and then when i'm like uh ok fine.....and make plans with other people to go she asks if we can go to vegas again and this time im like wtf no. Recently I went through a tough roommate situation and I brought it up in conversation, she changed the subject completely and wouldn't hear me out. But then she texted me weeks later asking if I was ok.

 

I am honestly not sure whether to dump this person completely for good or not. I try not to make plans with them, but then when I don't she comes and makes plans with me, but when I reciprocate she pulls away again. I feel like if I tried talking to her about this she would change the subject and pull away again. I tried distancing myself but that won't work then she gets super friendly again so its either deal with this somehow or dump her as a friend and I don't know what to do. Theres moments when it is like the old times again and thats the reason I haven't got frustrated and completely ditched her, but usually its like how I described. I see her around a lot so I have to be sure if I want to cut her out to the point where I don't even act friendly anymore. She makes me feel bad about myself when she brings things up and then shoots me down, and frustrated when she did the best friend thing. I am not sure whether she is just weird now because of the group thing, but regardless its annoying.

Edited by La Trese
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todreaminblue

tough situation.....i am not really into dumping friends...they have to be pretty bad for me to cut contact...i have only really cut contact with untrue women friends who have either slept with a partner..beaten me up...or men friends who tried to do the same with with me.....and didnt respect my personal space.....

 

before you dump anyone a talk has to be had....sounds like confusion on both sides.......where you are confused so is your friend....i will say the friend being kicked out of a group would have caused a lot of mixed emotions....have you ever really discussed it.....

 

friendship needs consistency to survive an effort that s mutual......and if you open a dialogue of honesty its a start to see whether the friendship can make it....say exactly how you are feeling.....i guess you should follow your heart ....i hope it works out for you......best wishes...deb

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tough situation.....i am not really into dumping friends...they have to be pretty bad for me to cut contact...i have only really cut contact with untrue women friends who have either slept with a partner..beaten me up...or men friends who tried to do the same with with me.....and didnt respect my personal space.....

 

before you dump anyone a talk has to be had....sounds like confusion on both sides.......where you are confused so is your friend....i will say the friend being kicked out of a group would have caused a lot of mixed emotions....have you ever really discussed it.....

 

friendship needs consistency to survive an effort that s mutual......and if you open a dialogue of honesty its a start to see whether the friendship can make it....say exactly how you are feeling.....i guess you should follow your heart ....i hope it works out for you......best wishes...deb

Thank you. As far as the group thing, i tried to be there for her. I even distanced myself from the group a bit so I can make sure she doesn't feel left out and so I would have time to hang with her. I've heard her out on it...she feels really bitter about friends in general now and said that she is going to focus on school and do better than them grade wise. She was already a straight A student before acting all weird though so idk why that means she has to act all distant just to focus on school, but ok. I feel like maybe she is jaded about friendship in general after the group thing and is taking it out on me as well even though I had nothing to do with it as I said. She admits though that I am always there for her and I am a good friend and w/e, but I can't say the same thing about her.

Edited by La Trese
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todreaminblue
Thank you. As far as the group thing, i tried to be there for her. I even distanced myself from the group a bit so I can make sure she doesn't feel left out and so I would have time to hang with her. I've heard her out on it...she feels really bitter about friends in general now and said that she is going to focus on school and do better than them grade wise. She was already a straight A student before acting all weird though so idk why that means she has to act all distant just to focus on school, but ok. I feel like maybe she is jaded about friendship in general after the group thing and is taking it out on me as well even though I had nothing to do with it as I said. She admits though that I am always there for her and I am a good friend and w/e, but I can't say the same thing about her.

 

I see what you are saying i think this friend thing that happened where she was ostracised from the group has impacted on her in a negative way.I think the only thing that you can do if you really want to keep the friendship is to talk about it.....and maybe give her a little space to adjust and adapt herself into not being part of the group anymore.....sounds like she has developed distrust....give her time....if your friendship was beautiful before it can be beautiful again........deb

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She reels you in close and then casts you away. When she senses you pulling away, she reels you back in. She is purposely toying with your feelings. Maybe she thinks you should have stuck up for her and insisted she be allowed to remain in the group, or that you should have ditched them altogether after she was kicked out.

 

I don't think there is a miscommunication, I believe she totally knows what she's doing. The best friend comment had to have stung. I'd probably put a little distance between myself and this person. Maybe with time, she'll learn to be a better friend or will move on and stop jerking your chain.

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It sounds like you're both really young, high school or younger, am I right?

 

I think she's probably feeling awkward about being ejected from your group of friends, and a little untrusting of you given that you're still part of the group.

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It sounds like you're both really young, high school or younger, am I right?

 

I think she's probably feeling awkward about being ejected from your group of friends, and a little untrusting of you given that you're still part of the group.

 

The irony is no we are in college lol. I know this is all so high school right?

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I can see both sides here. I have been dumped by friends and had to deal with friends who made my friendship an option, not a priority when they gave me the "hot and cold" treatment the same way that your friend is doing.

 

I think it's time to set firm boundaries with your friend. She needs to know that it's not ok with you, the way she flakes on plans by not responding because that's just rude.

 

The next time she contacts you to invite you to hang out, you can always politely decline. If you consistently decline enough times, she will eventually stop asking. That is one way to let that friendship fade away.

 

But if you still want to be friends with her, then she needs to hear from you how her behavior effects you (negatively), and that if she wants to maintain her friendship with you, she will need to change her behavior (stop flaking on plans, for example). If she can't agree to try, then I think it's fine to let this friendship fade.

 

I feel bad for you both because it sounds like you had a great friendship before this group of mutual friends rejected her.

Edited by writergal
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I think she likes to hear herself pretend she's ever going to go do something fun and exciting so she can go around saying to other people, Oh, me and ___ are thinking about going to Vegas. But she's really too in a rut or fearful to actually do anything.

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Could this all be the reason why the group rejected her in the first place? She is rather two-faced and disingenuous, from what you've written.

 

I guess the question you have to ask yourself is: do you like how you feel after you've dealt with her? If you do, then stick with the friendship. If you don't, cut her off.

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Could this all be the reason why the group rejected her in the first place? She is rather two-faced and disingenuous, from what you've written.

 

I guess the question you have to ask yourself is: do you like how you feel after you've dealt with her? If you do, then stick with the friendship. If you don't, cut her off.

 

Thats what gets me. its half the time. half the time its fine, half the time I feel so pissed off with her. And yeah the reason she was kicked out was that she ws overly competitive, opportunistic, and really selfish. I was always able to deal with it as long as she was nice to me consistantly, but the group got super irritated with her.

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Thats what gets me. its half the time. half the time its fine, half the time I feel so pissed off with her. And yeah the reason she was kicked out was that she ws overly competitive, opportunistic, and really selfish. I was always able to deal with it as long as she was nice to me consistantly, but the group got super irritated with her.

 

Oh no, so she's like that all the time with everyone? No wonder your friends got tired of her competitiveness, her opportunism and her sefishness. Those qualities are really hard to handle with friends when it's an innate part of their personality. Reminds me of one of my previous roommate's friends. She was very competitive, opportunistic and very selfish. Anytime we went out in a group she made sure that she was the center of attention, and if cute guys spoke to any of us, she would interrupt our conversation to toss around her long hair, giggle and do the bend and snap move made popular by actress Reese Witherspoon in the comedy Legally Blonde. Seriously, this woman was in her 30s and acted like she was prom queen whenever we went out. I once joked to her, "where's your sash and crown?" but she didn't get it. So yeah, I know exactly the type of personality your friend has and I think she sounds like a handful. Why not just distance yourself from her and turn down her random invitations to get together since she has flaked on you? She doesn't sound like a very reliable or trustworthy friend.

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