lilmiscassie92 Posted January 19, 2015 Share Posted January 19, 2015 So I have a friend I met from a meetup group about a year and a half ago. I was living about 40 minutes away, so we didn't hang out much since I am the only one with a car and license. Now I live about ten minutes away from her because I moved to this side of town with my bf in August. She is a bit clingy, ,and she doesn't drive so it's a hassle to hangout unless I'm going over to her house. When I do come over, she wants me to stay for hours or stay the night. The last few times we have hung out, she has asked me to move in to their extra room and break the lease with my bf, which I told her no way (him and I have a pretty good relationship that I'm happy with). I have complained about my dysfunctional family in the past and last time I was explaining how I was trying to get my bf to start helping around the house. She has made comments about my bf and family, which most of you probably can understand this, but it's one thing for US to complain about our families, but we tend to get defensive if someone else makes a remark. The company is nice, as I do not have many friends, but I'm wondering if I should stay away from this one or hang out less. Opinions? Link to post Share on other sites
writergal Posted January 19, 2015 Share Posted January 19, 2015 I'm confused. Why do you like her as a friend if you don't like driving to her house to spend hours over there, and you don't like her advice when you complain to her about your private matters? Do you gain anything positive from your friendship with this woman you met through Meetup? My personal rule is to never complain or disclose private information about myself and my family to people who haven't completely earned my trust. And even then, I divulge very little information as I tend to be a private person. And, I also try to have very clear boundaries with people right off the bat. Like, I would resent being expected to drive over to a friend's house who didn't drive, anytime she asked me to get together. I would probably ask her to compromise and take a bus or cab to meet me out at some venue for dinner or a movie or concert. Have you ever asked her to compromise in that way when she wants to spend time with you? I guess you need to decide just how important her friendship is in your life. If it doesn't bring anything positive into your life, then put it on the back burner and spend less time investing in it. Or end it altogether. But if her friendship is important to you, then you need to set some boundaries with her, starting with the driving. She needs to meet you halfway, some if not all of the time that you two have plans to hang out. Also, you need to put the kabosh on complaining / venting to her if you know she'll respond with negative feedback that just irks you. Stop complaining and confiding to her about your family problems and choose another friend for that, or go see a therapist. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 20, 2015 Share Posted January 20, 2015 So I have a friend I met from a meetup group about a year and a half ago. I was living about 40 minutes away, so we didn't hang out much since I am the only one with a car and license. Now I live about ten minutes away from her because I moved to this side of town with my bf in August. She is a bit clingy, ,and she doesn't drive so it's a hassle to hangout unless I'm going over to her house. When I do come over, she wants me to stay for hours or stay the night. The last few times we have hung out, she has asked me to move in to their extra room and break the lease with my bf, which I told her no way (him and I have a pretty good relationship that I'm happy with). I have complained about my dysfunctional family in the past and last time I was explaining how I was trying to get my bf to start helping around the house. She has made comments about my bf and family, which most of you probably can understand this, but it's one thing for US to complain about our families, but we tend to get defensive if someone else makes a remark. The company is nice, as I do not have many friends, but I'm wondering if I should stay away from this one or hang out less. Opinions? Be polite, but make yourself extremely 'busy' when it comes to her. If she really wants to get together, then she can hop on a bus or take a cab, come meet you somewhere for dinner. To always hang out at her place because she doesn't have a car is no excuse. Does she work? if so, then she is able to get herself to a restaurant. Anyway, I'd distance yourself bit by bit this way she won't react intensely. She's a leech and clingy, complains about your family and boyfriend (yes you're right, you are allowed to say stuff about your own family, she isn't!) and I cannot believe she wanted you to break the lease with your bf so you could move in with her. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted January 20, 2015 Share Posted January 20, 2015 You truly cannot expect to tell people your most personal business and have them agree not to voice an opinion. They are not your therapist. It's fine to tell it, but only if you won't mind them reminding you of your complaints at a later time. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
writergal Posted January 20, 2015 Share Posted January 20, 2015 You truly cannot expect to tell people your most personal business and have them agree not to voice an opinion. They are not your therapist. It's fine to tell it, but only if you won't mind them reminding you of your complaints at a later time. Agree with you 100%. It's unrealistic of the OP to think she can just use this other woman as a sounding board to vent to, and not have to deal with feedback. OP, you can't have a one-sided friendship with this woman where all your needs get met, with regards to venting to her about your family problems. That's not ok to use someone like that. There has to be some give and take. But if you don't see any real value to this woman's friendship, other than she's a convenient sounding board for you to complain to, that's not how I'd define a healthy friendship. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lilmiscassie92 Posted January 20, 2015 Author Share Posted January 20, 2015 Agree with you 100%. It's unrealistic of the OP to think she can just use this other woman as a sounding board to vent to, and not have to deal with feedback. OP, you can't have a one-sided friendship with this woman where all your needs get met, with regards to venting to her about your family problems. That's not ok to use someone like that. There has to be some give and take. But if you don't see any real value to this woman's friendship, other than she's a convenient sounding board for you to complain to, that's not how I'd define a healthy friendship. I understand what you're saying, but it's not like that at all. We both share stories and if we have something on our minds or are going through things we have been there for one another to talk to. The remarks she made were not relevant to anything I had brought up in the past. In fact, they were actually insults, which I found quite inappropriate. It's one thing to offer advice and give feedback during a said conversation, but making such remarks to one's family you have never even met would be crossing the line in many people's book. I am not "using" her in any way. Thanks. Link to post Share on other sites
writergal Posted January 20, 2015 Share Posted January 20, 2015 I understand what you're saying, but it's not like that at all. We both share stories and if we have something on our minds or are going through things we have been there for one another to talk to. The remarks she made were not relevant to anything I had brought up in the past. In fact, they were actually insults, which I found quite inappropriate. It's one thing to offer advice and give feedback during a said conversation, but making such remarks to one's family you have never even met would be crossing the line in many people's book. I am not "using" her in any way. Thanks. Ok, I was just trying to clarify what it is you see as valuable about her friendship in your life. Didn't mean to offend you at all. I think you should just let her friendship fade and try to attend more Meetups to widen your social circle. Link to post Share on other sites
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