My friend cheated on her fiance

[Emerald_11]

Hi, a good friend of mine I have known for over 10 years recently admitted that she cheated on her fiancé twice over the last 6 months with two different guys.

She also told him about it after she was caught when he saw some messages on her phone. He was obviously upset and wanted her to move out of the place they share. They have a daughter so it is a little bit complicated I guess. When I found out I was shocked because they seem to be doing just fine & be happy etc..I have thought back about some of the conversations we have had about her fiancé & she cares about him but does have quite a few complaints about him too.

I asked her when I found out about the cheating why she doesn't just break up with him & she seems to not want her daughter to grow up with split up parents. Her main concern is to get him to forgive her so she doesn't have to find a new place to live..

My husband & I have recently spent time with both of them and had planned on hanging out again soon because we think they are both cool & we had a good time. But now I am having second thoughts about spending too much time around them since I know they are having such serious issues.

Her & I have plans to hang out & talk soon. I just don't know what to say. I refuse to turn my back on someone I have known so long over something that has nothing to do with our relationship. Some of our mutual friends are judging her really harshly right now.

Her fiancé made her agree to admit her guilt on social media in order to continue to stay in their place. She took it down after about two hours of enduring other peoples comments. I think that was VERY cruel of him to make her do that. I know he is hurting but I do not think that was right. Do you all think him making her do that was a good idea?? What could he have hoped to gain from that?

 

 

He also is not allowing her to have her phone since he paid for it. Probably also so she cannot contact other people with her phone.

She told me if she gets to live there still it is by his rules. I am really worried about where this could be going. I know he would not put the mother of his child out on the street but feel like it is a bad situation.

I know she was the one who was in the wrong...... I have been trying to help her find a new place to live. It seems like he wants to forgive her. I suggested counseling for her so she can see why she cheats so she can get past it...

What do you do to help a friend in this situation? What should you say if they ask for an opinion like she has been?

[whichwayisup]

Suggest too, that they go to couples counseling together and sort this out. No way should they get married only for the sake of their child.

 

He hasn't forgiven her, he just wants her to suffer. He is hurting and lashing out, and she also doesn't truly seem remorseful for her cheating and betrayal, she is choosing to stay with him for the wrong reasons, it's doubtful she's totally in love with him.

[ascendotum]

I dont think you and your husband should necessarily avoid them just because they are having issues unless the atmosphere is really frosty between them when you go over and its uncomfortable. Being social with other couples might help the relationship. It can take the focus of each other and they forget their woes for a little while.

Personally I think someone who cheats on their fiance during the engagement is at the bottom of the cheating barrel.

 

Good on the bf for making her confess on social media. The condition should have been at least for 48 hrs not a lousy 2 hrs. I think its a little cruel, but then so is sleeping with others when you are engaged to be married. As for what he gains out of it - to make her suffer some consequence of her actions. She didn't have to do it. She could have kept her dirty little secret and walked out. What does she value more her dignity or her fiance. As for phone confiscation I think that is a little too much if he gave it to her as a gift but if he lent it too her I can understand why in hi pissed off fram of mind he wants back the tool he lent her that was used against him. He shouls not ban her from buying another one though.

[Keke1]

She needs to get out of this situation because this dude will never forgive her. I know i wouldn't. He's going to be, if he wasn't already, very insecure, jealous, angry, unable to trust her about anything and possessive. It will be her fault but she doesn't have to stay.

 

When the heart turns black man smh.

[Diezel]

They are both toxic.

 

She brought this on herself. Not once, but twice. I don't care what her complaints are about him. That is irrelevant. Mother of a daughter and engaged and she resorts to cheating?

 

As a friend, I'd be there for that person, but from a VERY limited support role. I'm sorry, but they are STILL going through it and probably ALWAYS will.

 

The social media thing? Maybe a little over the top, specially since he exposed himself as someone who was cheated on... but if you think that's TOO much, remember, he's the one who got cheated on and whatever shame she is feeling after 2 hours, HE has to carry that burden for the rest of his life.

 

Honestly, they are a black hole right now. Best leave them be until they can figure out what the hell they are going to do. Want to hang out with this chick 1 on 1? Fine. But if I were YOUR husband, I don't know how I'd feel about that.

[jbrent890]

I agree with everyone else, you should still be their for your friend, but with a very hands off approach. Their relationship is so toxic right now and I honestly think it wouldn't be good for you or your marriage is you got too involved. Yes, it is true what they say, "you do know who your real friends are in situations like this." However, I think it's completely unfair to put your friends in these situations. You didn't ask for this. This thread illuminates on the fact that infedelity affects more than the BS and WS, the friends get thrown into the drama as well.

[Javelin]

People with children, that cheat, are really selfish in my opinion. Your friend put herself above her child, not once, but twice and now she's facing extreme consequence as a direct result of her actions. I don't blame your husband in wanting to distance your relationship from them, because its not healthy any way that you look at it.

 

Personally, as a couple, you should distance yourselves from them. But as long time friends with her, you can still help her on a road to recovery.

[Friskyone4u]

I guess Keke thinks he has no reason to be hurt, angry , jealous, or set any boundaries. After all, she only banged two other men. I guess a few more and she will think it is kind of serious.

[Javelin]

I guess Keke thinks he has no reason to be hurt, angry , jealous, or set any boundaries. After all, she only banged two other men. I guess a few more and she will think it is kind of serious.

 

Read his post more closely, you're missing his point.

[kendahke]

she seems to not want her daughter to grow up with split up parents. Her main concern is to get him to forgive her so she doesn't have to find a new place to live..

 

This is something I would have a problem with as a friend. If she didn't want her child to grow up with split up parents, then she would not have cheated TWICE. She did the very thing that would bring about exactly what she says she doesn't want of her own volition.

 

And for her main objective to be to manipulate him into a response that she wants is really, really selfish. She can't dictate to him how he should feel towards her after she's the one who trashed his trust. Twice.

 

My husband & I have recently spent time with both of them and had planned on hanging out again soon because we think they are both cool & we had a good time. But now I am having second thoughts about spending too much time around them since I know they are having such serious issues.

Her & I have plans to hang out & talk soon. I just don't know what to say. I refuse to turn my back on someone I have known so long over something that has nothing to do with our relationship.

 

How are you going to spend time with her and not be taken into the middle of her whirlpool? That's where she is right now. It's not like she's going to talk about everything else but this.

 

Some of our mutual friends are judging her really harshly right now.

Her fiancé made her agree to admit her guilt on social media in order to continue to stay in their place. She took it down after about two hours of enduring other peoples comments. I think that was VERY cruel of him to make her do that. I know he is hurting but I do not think that was right. Do you all think him making her do that was a good idea?? What could he have hoped to gain from that?

 

Hey, she was grown enough to do it, let her be grown enough to stand in the middle of her truth and take her butt whippin' for it. All of this could have been avoided by her not cheating. Any problems she was having in her relationship did not warrant her having sex with two different men behind her fiance's back. To tell you the truth, I can't blame him. All actions have consequences and these are the consequences he's dishing out for infidelity. If she doesn't want to deal with this, she can break up with him. What could she have hoped to gain by cheating and keeping that hidden from him? She brought this on herself.

 

 

He also is not allowing her to have her phone since he paid for it. Probably also so she cannot contact other people with her phone.

 

Sounds like she needs to be about the business of being way more self reliant than she appears to have been in the past if she's so dependent upon him for her own survival. That's a bad place to be in even when cheating isn't a part of the equation.

 

She told me if she gets to live there still it is by his rules.

 

Yep. That's the way things like that work when you have no means of self reliance and you engage in betrayal on a scale like she has.

 

I am really worried about where this could be going. I know he would not put the mother of his child out on the street but feel like it is a bad situation.

I know she was the one who was in the wrong...... I have been trying to help her find a new place to live. It seems like he wants to forgive her. I suggested counseling for her so she can see why she cheats so she can get past it...

What do you do to help a friend in this situation? What should you say if they ask for an opinion like she has been?

 

Not coddle them and treat them as if it's unreasonable for them to avoid facing the consequences of their actions. Tough love. For her to not atone for what she did to her fiance and child would be her believing that it's no big deal to cheat because there are no consequences that anyone is going to make her face. Cheating with one person is bad enough, but two? That's a pattern of behavior now. Yeah, therapy would be a good idea and I would tell her to put wedding plans completely out of her mind for the foreseeable future.

 

This isn't a case of losing the house keys or wrecking the car. She struck at his very heart and soul and he's not going to just walk it off to make things convenient for her.

Edited January 8, 2015 by kendahke

[Justanaverageguy]

When I found out I was shocked because they seem to be doing just fine & be happy etc..I have thought back about some of the conversations we have had about her fiancé & she cares about him but does have quite a few complaints about him too.

 

Her fiancé made her agree to admit her guilt on social media in order to continue to stay in their place. She took it down after about two hours of enduring other peoples comments. I think that was VERY cruel of him to make her do that. I know he is hurting but I do not think that was right.

 

Yeah thats a horrible situation I have lived through myself. I didn't bother with the public shaming or attempting to reconcile. I just ended it, cut the cord and moved on. That public shaming on facebook is just absurd. What the hell did he achieve out of that other then humiliating both himself and her. My opinion is they are on a hiding to nothing and putting themselves through a world of pain for a relationship that will now die a slow, drawn out painful and publicly exposed death. With a dying animal sometimes the kindest thing you can do is just put it out of its misery quickly ..... if you know what I mean.

 

I'm interested however - just for my own research having gone through something similar - how old is the woman involved ? Is she late 20's or very early 30's ... somewhere around say 28ish ? Seems to be a thing for a lot of women at around that age in LTR to do this.

[preraph]

You need to stay out of this problem. They're both at fault. He has been controlling her phone and she has managed to cheat anyway. Controlling her phone is already a bad sign of a crap relationship and lack of trust and a control issue.

 

Kids are better off with separate parents than fighting parents. Trust me, I know this to be true firsthand. They are going to be crap role models and the kids will live in chaos while these two duke it out if they stay together. Kids notice everything and it deeply affects them and hurts them forever. And whatever they see their mom or dad putting up with is what they will put up with or how they will treat their future romantic partners.

 

I would stay out of it because since her priority is not having to move but wants to cheat, nothing you say will probably do any good or change her mind. But if you say anything else to her, tell her it's not doing the kids any favor giving them cheating fighting parents.

[irishguy]

Probably best if you dont get involved ,it just sounds like she has just been using him for place to stay and maybe financial reasons .Maybe she was meeting these guys on social media thats why he outed her on it .Doesnt sound like any remorse on her side so no future for this relationship .

[d0nnivain]

I really hope they don't get married. They are toxic.

 

 

Of course you can be her friend. Her relationship issues don't effect you directly. Her behavior would probably cause me to re-evaluate how much I could trust her but I wouldn't cut her out of my life.

 

 

If you are truly her friend, be a sounding board. Help her to realize why she cheated. It probably has something to do with her realizing that he's wrong for her but making the wrong choice to cheat rather than end it. Also help her to realize that any guy who thinks he can punish his partner by publically shaming her & then taking her phone is not the best long term partner. Again, these people need to be apart. She knows this, hence the cheating, but for whatever reason she is too scared to get out of this relationship.