My best friend who is also my ex is behaving strangely

[Friggia]

My best friend (who also happens to be my ex-boyfriend, we were in a tight-knit relationship for about six years and the last two years of our relationship involved us unraveling) is behaving in a strange and confusing way.

 

 

I won't go into too much of the specifics of our relationship and our breakup, but I'll start from the very end. Let it first be said that since he is my best friend, we've been used to talking to each other at least every other day of the week and sharing most aspects of our lives, even though he lives in another state now. My best friend comes from a poor mental health genetic pool and seems to have, sadly, inherited severe depression and possible bipolar disorder (his mother in particular has really bad bipolar illness and has had to be institutionalized).

 

 

 

Back in early autumn, for the longest time in the period we've known each other (I didn’t talk to him for a month during the summer), we agreed to enter a no-contact period to end on Christmas, so it was a total of four months. I suggested one year at first, but he insisted that was far too long. I said “Goodbye” to him, and he said, “No, this is not a goodbye at all.” And we hung up. After start of no-contact, I reached out to him three times within a week, because I was having second thoughts about the wisdom of this, and also having withdrawals. He ignored me, each time. He has never ignored me before in all the 8.5 years I’ve known him.

 

 

 

So...... the silence continued. He failed to reach out for Halloween and Thanksgiving holidays, and he even failed to acknowledge my birthday – which made me very upset, but I stayed quiet. Deep down, I knew he wouldn’t break no-contact, but there was still a part of me that really, really hoped that he would. I ended up traveling on my own and really finding myself. I actually started feeling really great just being on my own. And then something came for me totally out of the blue in the first week of December. It was an email from him that read, “I know it’s not Christmas yet but I wanted to wish you a very late Happy Birthday, Happy Halloween and Happy Thanksgiving.” Since he ignored me before, I ignored that too. It’s funny, but the very next week, while I was abroad, I met someone else whom I liked and who was interested in having me for a relationship.

 

 

So then………. To my utter disappointment, Christmas came and went and he failed to reach out at all to officially break the silence. So I let the whole day pass into night and then I took the matter into my own hands. I emailed him and he emailed back, “Oh wow, I didn’t expect to hear from you. How have you been, how was your Christmas, and what have you been doing??” I was floored that he didn’t expect to hear from me, as we had agreed to this, did we not?? Was he just willing to let me go that easily?

 

 

So we chatted online, and I told him about new developments in my life, but I made no mention that I had met someone else. The new developments in his life were that he was doing well at work, had started his own side business, and was taking Zoloft. He claims to be very, very busy. In a later chat, we touched briefly on an emotional topic – I asked him why he chose that specific time in early December to email me. He said he didn’t think about it much, but that he wanted me to know that he still thought of me. He admitted to purposefully ignoring my three messages a week after initiating no-contact, but said he ended up “caving.” I asked him if he “caved” out of guilt for missing so many special occasions, and he told me no, guilt wasn’t the reason. He said it was difficult to do because we had never gone so long without speaking to each other, but he still felt it was right because he wanted me to know that he still thought about me. I asked what it was like for him to go four months without talking to me, and he replied, “It was painful, especially at first. Thank heavens for drugs” (obviously referring to Zoloft). And he said he had missed me (after I asked him).

 

 

 

Ok. Here is where I get to the part that I am having trouble processing. Ever since we “broke silence,” he has been virtually unreachable, to the point where it feels highly rude and disrespectful. He is still saying things to me that are not being supported by actions, in fact, everything he DOES (or in this case doesn’t do) seems to be the antithesis of what he SAYS. This was an issue in the demise of our relationship but, prior to that, there was always consistency in actions and words which led to a feeling of security and dependability, which has now completely gone out the window. He has become a complete flake, and it’s taken a controlling hold over my emotional state at times.

 

 

Examples:

 

1. He always expresses a continued desire for my company while simultaneously keeping me at arm’s length. He insisted that we will never stop talking and that I will always be his very best friend and that that will never, ever change. Then, makes zero effort to contact me, even leaving me alone for one full month. That felt very wrong to me, and he knows that.

 

2. With the rare instance of early December, I always reach out first.

 

3. He knows full well how upset the lack of communication and failure to match words with actions makes me. It’s been made entirely clear, yet there have been no efforts on his part to correct it.

 

4. ALL OF A SUDDEN, even though he has a BUSINESS, he can’t be reached by telephone. I’ve sent him polite texts. Nothing. I’ve called him, usually rings once or twice and then goes to voice mail. But he never picks up, and I know that he knows I have called him. So far, the only way I’ve been able to reliably reach him is by email and waiting for him to respond. But really, even harmless texts?? Text has always been a great way to contact him in the past, and he’s always answered or called me back promptly. But this is just downright rude. I even left him a message, one polite one asking him to return my phone call, and he hasn’t responded. Very strange and quite irritating.

 

 

So, in summation, he’s gone from being my best friend/boyfriend and the love of my life right down to being a sh*t friend who’s flakey and disrespectful. I’m incredibly disappointed and disillusioned because of this.

 

 

Oh……….. and here comes the icing on the cake: I told him that it made me very upset that he didn’t acknowledge my birthday, of all things. He said he understood, and that we’d talk later. What happened then???..... He let the New Year holiday pass by without sending me one SINGLE salutation. What had I just told him?

 

 

 

My question is, should I write him an email laying this all out for him? What on earth do I do to make this better and more satisfying for me? Do I have to cut him out of my life completely and totally, 100%, in order for him to change? Should I just be patient and hope that the answer comes to me out of the blue?

 

 

I’m going abroad again in a month. He knows this too.

 

I appreciate any insights. Thanks.

[preraph]

I'm getting that although he will always care about you, that it took no contact with you to motivate him to work on himself, going on meds, starting a business. I think he knows he's now on the right path to help himself get back on track and probably considers taking up with you again going backwards. It's not him being flakey. It's him finally getting himself going in a forward direction and not feeling as sick and building himself a future. I don't think you should guilt him for this.

 

You were unreasonable expecting him to break the no contact for any reason after you agreed to it. You yourself moved forward because of no contact and then once it was broken, now you are stuck running in place again while he moves on ahead. It is not the end of your friendship, but I think it has to be the end of, for lack of a better word, your codependency on each other.

[Friggia]

I'm getting that although he will always care about you, that it took no contact with you to motivate him to work on himself, going on meds, starting a business. I think he knows he's now on the right path to help himself get back on track and probably considers taking up with you again going backwards. It's not him being flakey. It's him finally getting himself going in a forward direction and not feeling as sick and building himself a future. I don't think you should guilt him for this.

 

You were unreasonable expecting him to break the no contact for any reason after you agreed to it. You yourself moved forward because of no contact and then once it was broken, now you are stuck running in place again while he moves on ahead. It is not the end of your friendship, but I think it has to be the end of, for lack of a better word, your codependency on each other.

 

 

Yeah, that makes a lot of sense. You are right about codependency, in fact, he's already told me he doesn't want us to be codependent anymore (that was before the no-contact). And he has been avoiding emotional things more and more. Maybe he just needs to reset, like you said.

 

 

Should I hang back and just let him come to me? And when he does come to me, should I pretend like it doesn't bother me?

[preraph]

I really think you should use this time to just move forward knowing you will be doing so without him. I think your relationship as it existed before is over. You need to find your own legs, so to speak. Once you've both gotten yourselves independent again and are standing on your own two feet comfortably, somewhere down the line, maybe a friendship can continue, but I think you both need to untwine in order to grow right now. And just don't contact him trying to get together as he seems to be avoiding it now. But somewhere down the line, I imagine you can get back to being comfortable wishing each other happy birthday or whatever. But put all that on the back burner for now. My hope is you take time out to rediscover who you are without him before getting into another relationship, though the next one could have a different dynamic, certainly. But it's always good to be on your own for say a year and reaffirm you can do it without falling apart! Then you won't make choices out of fear of being alone at least. Good luck.

[whichwayisup]

Yeah, that makes a lot of sense. You are right about codependency, in fact, he's already told me he doesn't want us to be codependent anymore (that was before the no-contact). And he has been avoiding emotional things more and more. Maybe he just needs to reset, like you said.

 

 

Should I hang back and just let him come to me? And when he does come to me, should I pretend like it doesn't bother me?

 

If there is to be any friendship again, it cannot and should not be like it was before. Clean slate, let go of past hurts, feelings etc and you need to build a new friendship with boundaries and invest less emotionally.

 

Honestly, I seriously doubt things will ever be the same again, it's impossible to be 'friends' with someone you dated. Doesn't matter that you two were best friends, you're not anymore! IF you truly were and the friendship was platonic, innocent and genuine care then you would have told him you met someone...You didn't and that says a lot.

 

Allow him space, let him contact you and let him take the lead. Go on with your life!! If you have met someone great, you need to bond and get close to that new guy and NOT your ex. Ex is your past.

[Friggia]

Allow him space, let him contact you and let him take the lead. Go on with your life!! If you have met someone great, you need to bond and get close to that new guy and NOT your ex. Ex is your past.

 

I hear you on this. It gets hardest whenever I think about how it might be possible that I will never again be sitting in the car with my ex-best friend and have him reach over to rub my neck, holding him at night, or never again get to just laugh and be silly with him privately like we used to do, things like that. That's when I really start to tear up. But then I try to take off the rose-colored glasses and remember the aspects of living with him that were not so good. I remind myself that I have a lot to look forward to even if I'm not with somebody, and I try to turn my thoughts to the new person and think about how my life will be completely different and I can create new bonding experiences. Especially since I know a lot now about what to do and what not to do.

[whichwayisup]

I hear you on this. It gets hardest whenever I think about how it might be possible that I will never again be sitting in the car with my ex-best friend and have him reach over to rub my neck, holding him at night, or never again get to just laugh and be silly with him privately like we used to do, things like that. That's when I really start to tear up. But then I try to take off the rose-colored glasses and remember the aspects of living with him that were not so good. I remind myself that I have a lot to look forward to even if I'm not with somebody, and I try to turn my thoughts to the new person and think about how my life will be completely different and I can create new bonding experiences. Especially since I know a lot now about what to do and what not to do.

 

Best friends are friends that you're not in love with and not romantically invested in. I think you're confusing boyfriend vs best friend.

[Friggia]

Could he still be in love with me?

[jellybean89]

Sounds like you want both - the BFF and ex boyfriend. Doesn't work that way. When the romantic relationship ended, so did the things you seem to want - recognition on days (really? Halloween? You are upset he didn't wish you a happy halloween?) Those things are over now. Seems like you want him to remain rooted in the relationship but as you have seen, he has moved on. I would stop trying to get him to contact you. I think his actions are showing you he is not your emotional crutch anymore. As with most romantic relationships, it usually doesn't just go back to BFF's. That stuff is over now. Time for you to move on and let him be. If he wants to speak to you, he'll email you, text you or call you. I don't think it is appropriate for you to be getting pissy about him not being at your beck and call. He has broke the cycle within his control; now it's time for you to learn those same things.

 

New year, new life. You said you have a 'new' relationship - so pursue that. For all you know, he has someone new in his life too and I can tell you, if he does, there is no way that new person will want you to be calling her boyfriend all the time (or trying to get him to talk to you).

 

It is obvious this is going to be hard for you to let go, but you need to. Grieve it, mourn it and then move forward.

[whichwayisup]

Could he still be in love with me?

 

Could you still be in love with him?

 

I think you should focus on what you feel rather than what he feels. His actions (not keeping in touch and sticking to NC) kind of shows you where he is now.

[Friggia]

No, it actually wasn't a big deal that he missed halloween and thanksgiving. But I thought that on my birthday I would at least get a simple "happy birthday." Birthdays used to be a big deal.

 

But I should definitely take his lack of action on Christmas and New Year's to be a direct indication that he really isn't interested in being my friend anymore? When we did write to each other he writes his thoughts in an enthusiastic and cheerful way. And then he always ends them saying "goodbye for now, talk later." I guess that is the reason I am confused.

 

Obviously, I still love him very much.

[whichwayisup]

No, it actually wasn't a big deal that he missed halloween and thanksgiving. But I thought that on my birthday I would at least get a simple "happy birthday." Birthdays used to be a big deal.

 

No contact is no contact and he stuck to it.

 

But I should definitely take his lack of action on Christmas and New Year's to be a direct indication that he really isn't interested in being my friend anymore? When we did write to each other he writes his thoughts in an enthusiastic and cheerful way. And then he always ends them saying "goodbye for now, talk later." I guess that is the reason I am confused.

For now, yes. People can't just end a long relationship then turn it into back into a platonic friendship so quickly. It takes time get over feelings, to get rid of sexual feelings and he probably can't handle a friendship with you. He doesn't want to hurt your feelings so in his own way he is giving you hints he can't be friends with you. You have no choice but to accept that and give him a lot of space.

 

What have you been doing to get over him? Have you put him out of your head and focused just on you and your life? Or do you reminisce about him often? If you do that then you're keeping the flame alive and not grieving the loss properly.

Obviously, I still love him very much.

 

Then you aren't ready at all to be 'just' friends. You're still very much emotionally invested in him. And, that's not fair to your current potential boyfriend.... He doesn't stand a chance if you're still in love with your ex.

[Friggia]

No contact is no contact and he stuck to it.

 

Actually, he didn't. Remember that I said he contacted me on December 9. In his own words, he "caved."

 

 

I guess another behavior observation that is noteworthy is that whenever I ask for a picture of him, he gives me one. But he hasn't asked to see any pictures of me at all, doesn't respond in kind. I guess he isn't interested in seeing me. I don't know why.

 

 

My other relationship knows about this situation actually, we communicate pretty openly. He's been very supportive of me. I've also communicated to him clearly my gratitude for his patience and support and acknowledged that it must be hard for him to hear this stuff. I don't intend to string him along and use him as a tool, I'm really trying to "transition" my feelings over and feel okay about it. Letting go of someone you've loved unconditionally for 8 years is rough.

[whichwayisup]

Actually, he didn't. Remember that I said he contacted me on December 9. In his own words, he "caved."

 

 

I guess another behavior observation that is noteworthy is that whenever I ask for a picture of him, he gives me one. But he hasn't asked to see any pictures of me at all, doesn't respond in kind. I guess he isn't interested in seeing me. I don't know why.

 

Okay, he caved once. But other than that, he's been in strong NC mode with you.

 

You don't know why? Put yourself in his shoes. Try to understand that he handles things differently than you. He is not able to handle being in your life, being friends. This is his way of letting go of you. Detaching and moving on, focusing on himself, his life and it's easier for him to not hear from you, not see you. He isn't acting this way to be mean to you or screw you over, he's actually being real to himself.

 

My other relationship knows about this situation actually, we communicate pretty openly. He's been very supportive of me. I've also communicated to him clearly my gratitude for his patience and support and acknowledged that it must be hard for him to hear this stuff. I don't intend to string him along and use him as a tool, I'm really trying to "transition" my feelings over and feel okay about it. Letting go of someone you've loved unconditionally for 8 years is rough.

 

You're so not ready for a new relationship since you're still so invested and in love with your ex. I think you're hoping you two will make amends and get back together one day... Just a feeling I have.

 

Bolded.. But you are, unintentionally. You have emotional baggage and not ready to invest and build something new with someone else (aka your new guy). It is unfair to him and I'm actually surprised he has stuck around this long.

 

Why not just be on your own and alone? As you may know now, it's unhealthy to dive into another relationship when you're still wanting and loving your ex. Being on your own allows you to grow and learn and become independent, to embrace "you" again and start over fresh.

[Friggia]

Well, I came back home from work to see that I had a short email from him, it was just a joke and then he asked me how was my New Year's?

 

I guess it proves he's thinking about me, at the very least. He couldn't take two seconds out of his night to send me a note on New Year's, but whatever. I'll eventually get used to the distance and the rift, and maybe at that point he'll stop keeping me at arm's length so much.

[whichwayisup]

Well, I came back home from work to see that I had a short email from him, it was just a joke and then he asked me how was my New Year's?

 

I guess it proves he's thinking about me, at the very least. He couldn't take two seconds out of his night to send me a note on New Year's, but whatever. I'll eventually get used to the distance and the rift, and maybe at that point he'll stop keeping me at arm's length so much.

 

You really seem to be taking this way too personally and thinking he's intentionally doing this maliciously. He isn't. He is having limited contact with you, wants the distance because he needs more time away to get over you. You seem angry and not understanding where he's coming from.

 

be happy he at least contacted you and wished you a happy new year. So what if he didn't on new years eve, maybe he was busy or drunk or with his friends, didn't feel like emailing anybody.

 

You aren't his gf anymore and really he isn't obligated to you either. I say this respectfully but you need to lower your expectation level when it comes to him so you won't be so disappointed in him.

[Friggia]

You're right. I wrote back, just light and breezy and not giving away any information of substance really.