New Year.

[Tailor2000]

This year has been a tricky year for me. I'm a shy, unassuming kind of guy. I have some close friends who are great, but I really wanted to push myself in other directions, to get more friends.

 

I've known one group of friends for several years, but I don't really know them. We don't go out, we don't socialise, we don't go to each others houses.

 

They've not really made much of an effort to include me, to share their life with me, to ask me about mine. I've not been included on parties. I've had to do all the sharing and all the asking, pushing and forcing.

 

I've been really trying this year to be more approachable, more interested, more outgoing. I still have a long way to go, but I have received a few positive results from this, from being extended an invitation to a party, being invited out for a meal and glueing with a couple of others. So it's all positive.

 

But on reflection, Im just amazed at how fake the majority of this group are.

 

If they weren't interested, or not bothered, I wouldn't care, I could prune them out. But there's a significant number of them who act friendly. They call themselves my friend. These people claim to be caring, loving, sharing, giving.

 

But all I see is them being fake, superficial, not genuine. They're distant, they don't care, they don't love. I get a text message every now and again when I cross their mind when they have nothing better to do. I may even share a meal with them. I'll chat to them in public and they'll have their beaming smiles and have so much time for me then because Im friendly, Im in their faces.

 

But it feels like breadcrumbs offered when it's convenient to them. Im not a true friend. Im a friend of convenience. They're quick enough getting in touch when they need something, but it's almost impossible to get help from them.

 

They're happy with their superficial relations with these disjointed friendships, everything fitting into a little box. Im not.

 

I feel like going AWOL to see who notices, because I can almost guarantee no one would get in touch if I was missing for two weeks. Every year I sent Happy Christmas and Happy New Year messages. This year Im waiting to see who texts me. I can guarantee only my true closest friends will be bothered, while everyone else will just smile and shake my hand, pretending to be my friend.

 

Do I keep going, show them how things can be? It takes an enormous amount of energy to keep smiling, to keep trying. Or do I find a new group?

[Tailor2000]

Thought not. No text messages wishing a Happy New Year apart from two or three people. I obviously don't figure in a lot of peoples lives but it's amazing how a lot of people figure in mine.

 

But I do just want to make a commentary on how poor society is.

 

People are there posting messages to their friends on Facebook. I want to scream, SEND A PERSONAL MESSAGE, text, email, phone people individually. Send someone a personalised message you lazy lazy lazy....

 

I don't want to be part of the instant Facebook generation and all those superficial friendships. Facebook is a tool to help you keep in touch with your friends. Its not a substitute for getting involved with friends, for helping, sharing, caring, giving, loving, touching, holding, hugging, listening, talking...

[CC12]

Facebook is a tool to help you keep in touch with your friends. Its not a substitute for getting involved with friends, for helping, sharing, caring, giving, loving, touching, holding, hugging, listening, talking...

 

Not every friendship has to be this deep meaningful relationship with all those things you listed. Some people are just casual Facebook friends, and that's okay. If you expect less from people, you won't be so disappointed.

[optomistic_nonsense]

You hit the nail on the head - it's a Convenience Friendship, or "Convenienceship" as I very OFTEN refer to it as.

 

My friend, or "friend" of 20 years. Yes, 20. 2-0. We cease to exist, and I came to this revelation more or less somewhat recently. How? I too went AWOL. We are both 29 yrs old, and for 20 yrs, were "besties". Even though we moved about an hour's drive away from each other, we still texted 'n whatnot weekly.

 

What happened? Her now boyfriend happened. That's all it took. I am now married and have been with my husband for over 3 yrs now and not once did I ever exclude her, but along comes her BF and I'm practically a ghost.

 

So, needless to say, I totally agree with you attempting this AWOL thing, because sometimes that's what it takes for people's true colors to really show. And, if you can fire back @ them with real examples of how their behavior as affected you, even better. Sometimes people truly don't know their being super crappy human beings, and sometimes it's pretty voluntary behavior, but nevertheless...

I'm sorry you're experiencing all of this. The older we get, the more we realize how people truly are, and our true friends get weeded out from the rest of the idiots out there.

 

In the end, it's their loss, not yours. Always remember that You show true signs of what most people should and do look for in a friend, so if these people aren't giving you the time of day, you're probably just above them as an overall person

 

Keep us posted!

[jellybean89]

I have many acquaintenances in my life, but few true be-there-for-you-no-matter-what-time-it is friends.

 

There is nothing wrong with having 'groups' of friends, but you can't be best buds with several groups of friends.

 

One thing I learned....I have xxx amount of time in my life for friendships. I have work commitments, family commitments and personal commitments. Like with all things, there are time constraints. If a 'friend' isn't giving you what you need from that friend, then the friend shouldn't be given your free time. You should surround yourself (whether it is 3 people or 10 people) with people who give back to you what you give to them. Don't give people "you" unless you are getting "them" back...I hope that makes sense. Sometimes, you just need to prune out of your life the people who are sucking the life out of you or who aren't contributing much to your life.

[Tailor2000]

Im just going to say this group Im part of, if I say it's a faith community, that's probably the thing that hurts the most, that no one is reaching out. I feel like I have to practically initiate everything, which isn't necessarily a bad thing if people do respond - I could use some more backbone. But it's exhausting constantly having to be the one to ask questions other wise you'll just be ignored.

 

I've been AWOL for a week now. No contact. Maybe I should have a word with the priest. But at the same time, I feel Im cheating the system, Im lying, Im playing the martyr. Im not absent with a purpose.

 

But I do need those one or two close faith friends, someone who will initiate as well as reciprocate. Someone who will invite me places because he/she wants to, without obligation.

 

Feeling very bitter, very upset, very hurt. My other friends a great. But they have no faith.

 

Is your friends boyfriend a recent phenomenon? I'll be honest, I think that time of getting to know someone is critically important. But they can still make time to text. It's when they turn around and say they're too busy to text. What? I've had that excuse, but then they've come up to me in person and made time for me. I seriously don't understand people.

 

It's like they live a compartmentalised life, they only bring your box out when they're in front of you, otherwise they work on the rest of their boxes.