Married male friend pestering me for sex

[SusanAUS]

Hi all,

 

I have a married male friend who keeps pestering me for sex.

 

We met through work a few years ago. After being forced to spend a lot of time together at work, we are almost like siblings and are quite close, but things have changed since last July. I am getting really sick of his overly sexual flirty ways and receiving explicit photos of him (sexting). Apart from sharing an occasional friendly hug during social occasions outside work, he hasn't touched me inappropriately (yet?).

 

My partner knows about our friendship and would totally freak if he found out about the suggestive talk and sexting. I don't/can't talk to anyone about this because we have mutual friends, so I am afraid it would eventually get back to my married friend and destroy our bond.

 

He told me he has been lining up several other female friends that could end up being 'f*ck buddies' at some stage. It's almost as if he is trying to make me jealous, as in: "Well if you won't sleep with me then I can find other women who are willing". Bleurghhh, it disgusts me! He confided in me that he has been in a sexless marriage since 2010. Not sure if he is telling me this to make me pity him or if it is just a blatant lie - either way, this is NO excuse for such despicable behaviour. I feel he has already overstepped the line and began cheating on his wife by making lewd comments and sexting, IMHO.

 

He and his wife go to counsellling together regularly so I have hope these issues will end up being resolved. I really like him as a friend and value our bond, but this sex stuff constantly being directed at me needs to STOP! This has been going on for months and he just laughs when I get annoyed at his bs, so I have been thinking about a possible solution.......

 

I have never met his wife, but I know her name and workplace, so I have been thinking of contacting her to let her know what her husband is up to behind her back, and telling her I have proof (sexts, emails, etc) so she confronts him and he'll suddenly back off.

 

Is this a good idea? ....and if so, how can I do it without being tracked down? I must remain anonymous. If not, what else can I do to make him stop without it affecting our friendship?

 

Any comments, suggestions or feedback would be greatly appreciated.

 

Thanks for reading this.

 

Susan x

[d0nnivain]

Why do you care about preserving your friendship?

 

I would point blank say to him: You are my friend & I would like to keep it that way but 1). I don't sleep with married men; and 2). I think it's disgusting that you want to cheat on your wife but here's the deal -- if you shut up & never make a vulgar request of me again, or even so much as try to tell me about your extra-marital exploits & desires, we can remain civil. If you persist in trying to make me complicit while you ruin your marriage, I will do it for you by telling your wife every single dirty disgusting thing you have ever said to me. Are we clear? I never want to have this conversation again.

 

If you are going to tell his wife, own the announcement. You cannot lurk in the shadows, be anonymous & expect to be believed in the face of what will be his denials.

[Dreamworld]

This is no longer a friendship. He crossed the line and ruined that already. I wouldnt want to remain friends with such a man anyway. But if you still regard it as such, I agree with donnivain. Be completely direct and firm. Anything short of that he will be relentless. These guys always are. Anything short of that you have to coldly and honestly ask yourself if you are maybe enjoying the attention a little bit. He will pick on that right away and will be relentless. These guys always are. Also, the no sex with the wife line is one of the oldest lines in the book when a man is planting the seeds to an affair. It could be true, it could be a lie, doesnt matter. Point is it is highly inapproriate for a married man to be telling another female such things in the first place and in most cases his intentions are far from honorable.

 

I was a former OW, and after I stopped being one I somehow managed to attract every married man within earshot. And they say the same crap every single time. And if they sense you being even a little responsive to them, they go in for the kill. You have to be really firm. A bitch if you have to. I changed my attitude and it works. Hope i wasnt too blunt but I was where you are before. You really have to take a long hard look at the vibes you are giving off too.

[beach]

He disrespects you because you haven't drawn a line/shown healthy boundaries.

 

Start doing differently! Tell him point blank to STOP IT!

 

 

 

We train people how to treat us. You've trained him to disrespect you. Now it's up to you to change that!

[darkmoon]

block him from your mobile

 

do not tell his wife they both might gang up on you, he might lie to her or your husband about you

 

tell him to screw one of his other text-friends - and mean it

 

then drop them both, just bow out quietly, no fuss

Edited December 19, 2014 by darkmoon

[preraph]

He's being very disrespectful. I think you should block him. What kind of jerk goes and tells someone they're trying to bed how they're going around trying to get all the women they know to sleep with them? If it were me, I'd bounce him out of my life before your husband gets a whiff of this and if it were me, I'd probably let his wife know right after I blocked him. He's not anyone you should want in your life! He's destructive.

[spanishchick00]

He sounds disgusting! His actions are sooo inappropriate. Makes me want to vomit that some married men act that way.

[SusanAUS]

Thanks everyone!

 

I don't know why it was so difficult for me to realise the only solution is to stand up and tell him in no uncertain terms how I feel about his behaviour.

 

I want to try to preserve the friendship because all was fine between us for years before this starting happening. My opinion of him has slipped since the sexting, though.

 

Also, I have to work with this guy and need to keep things on an even keel. I'm concerned he will get angry, dismiss me and our bond will end up being severed. But I understand that's the risk I must take now. No need to bring his wife into this. It's not up to me to be the bearer of bad news, particularly because I don't know the woman. If we were friends, perhaps I would consider it. If this is only a temporary blip in their marriage, it's probably best she stays unaware of it. They have children and it would be awful for the whole family to be adversely affected in the long run.

 

I now know there is a chance his ongoing behaviour could end up ruining my own relationship if things don't change and I will not allow that to happen.

 

Thanks again!

[90s kid]

I'm glad to hear that you're not going to tolerate his sexual advances anymore. But why are you so concerned about staying friends with him?

 

 

Stop being friends with him because HE does not want to be friends with YOU. He wants to sleep with you. He's sexting you in the hopes that you'll take the bait. You seriously think he's interested in hanging out with you platonically? Even if he does stop flirting with you, he will always be waiting in the wings hoping that you'll let him sleep with you at some point. Would your bf want you to stay friends with him if he knew about all this?

 

 

He doesn't respect the fact that you have a boyfriend. He doesn't care about how uncomfortable his advances make you. He's a bad friend and a bad guy.

[beach]

Thanks everyone!

 

I don't know why it was so difficult for me to realise the only solution is to stand up and tell him in no uncertain terms how I feel about his behaviour.

 

I want to try to preserve the friendship because all was fine between us for years before this starting happening. My opinion of him has slipped since the sexting, though.

 

Also, I have to work with this guy and need to keep things on an even keel. I'm concerned he will get angry, dismiss me and our bond will end up being severed. But I understand that's the risk I must take now. No need to bring his wife into this. It's not up to me to be the bearer of bad news, particularly because I don't know the woman. If we were friends, perhaps I would consider it. If this is only a temporary blip in their marriage, it's probably best she stays unaware of it. They have children and it would be awful for the whole family to be adversely affected in the long run.

 

I now know there is a chance his ongoing behaviour could end up ruining my own relationship if things don't change and I will not allow that to happen.

 

Thanks again!

 

Did you tell him to stop it?

 

I hope you said it in a demanding and commanding tone of voice!

[preraph]

Did you tell him to stop it?

 

I hope you said it in a demanding and commanding tone of voice!

 

I hope she said it with a frying pan in one hand.

[whichwayisup]

Thanks everyone!

I don't know why it was so difficult for me to realise the only solution is to stand up and tell him in no uncertain terms how I feel about his behaviour.

 

Figure it out. Really you need to tell this guy off and distance yourself from him and keep things PROFESSIONAL from now on. He is NOT a friend. He never was..If he truly was a friend this wouldn't have happened, no lines would have been crossed. I have male friends and not one of them have 'hit' on me or tried to sext me. Ever. Maybe because I know their wives and they know my husband, we've all met and occasionally get together as a group.

I want to try to preserve the friendship because all was fine between us for years before this starting happening. My opinion of him has slipped since the sexting, though.

 

So, did you sext back? Encourage his behaviour? Either way there's no point in continuing to be friends. Let it go. You have other friends, women ones I assume, so focus on them instead of him.

Also, I have to work with this guy and need to keep things on an even keel. I'm concerned he will get angry, dismiss me and our bond will end up being severed. But I understand that's the risk I must take now. No need to bring his wife into this. It's not up to me to be the bearer of bad news, particularly because I don't know the woman. If we were friends, perhaps I would consider it. If this is only a temporary blip in their marriage, it's probably best she stays unaware of it. They have children and it would be awful for the whole family to be adversely affected in the long run.

 

Bond? You have feelings for him, maybe you allowed yourself to get emotionally attached.

 

You're making a big deal of this. WHO cares what this guy thinks, you don't have to be his buddy nor hang out with him.

 

I now know there is a chance his ongoing behaviour could end up ruining my own relationship if things don't change and I will not allow that to happen.

 

Thanks again!

 

Why would his behaviour ruin your marriage and relationship? Only way that could happen is, if you reacted and allowed yourself to have an A with him and act upon any urges you have for him .And it seems you do have some feelings or something for him.

[merrmeade]

My partner knows about our friendship and would totally freak if he found out about the suggestive talk and sexting. I don't/can't talk to anyone about this ...

 

I now know there is a chance his ongoing behaviour could end up ruining my own relationship if things don't change and I will not allow that to happen.

You've already compromised your relationship by deciding not to tell your partner about the talk and sexting. The fact that you haven't told your partner raises this question why. Why couldn't you tell him if you're innocent?

 

Possibility #1 is what you've implied: You're worried about how he'll react or what he'll do to the guy. If this is the reason, at a very minimum, by engaging with the guy about it, i.e.:

• reading his texts
  
• NOT drawing your lines and shutting him down firmly, clearly, for all time
  
• NOT following up with blocks on all manner of communication
  

you have participated and, therefore, done something of a sexual nature behind your partner's back.

 

Fixing possibility #1:

(1) Block bad guy 'friend' from everything and tell him to back off. Shut him down. Short and final.

(2) Confess everything NOW for exactly what it is, no excuses for yourself, to your partner. Say that you posted on Loveshack and all these people set you straight, that you realized they were right and did what you should have done months ago. You're sorry, you love him, you don't want to lose him. He'll be shocked and will need to time to process what it means, so you then settle in and listen to him humbly and apologetically. You do this for however long you BOTH need to work through the fact that you could be dishonest and secretive about something like this.

 

Possibility #2 is that you might have responded once, twice, more with a giggle or a tease back. Or worse, maybe you sexted back. If so, the guy knows and you know, so you can't fake or sweep it under the rug. You still have to shut him down once and for all. If #2 is the case, however, it's obvious it would be a big problem for your partner, which you already figured out. It's basically cheating. Maybe it's not a full-out affair, but it's cheating because you've let somebody else in your 'virtual' sex life. You STILL have to tell him or accept or you will cripple your relationship potential by removing transparency from one of the features of your commitment.

Edited December 20, 2014 by merrmeade