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My friend is a hoarder...do I do/say anything?


Standard-Fare

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Standard-Fare

I have a friend who seems to be crossing the line into hoarder. It seems like an unhappy situation, a lot of people are concerned, and nobody knows what to do about it. Nothing?

 

She has a husband, three kids under age 6, and several pets, so her living environment would be chaos anyway way you slice it, but it's truly reached next level in the past couple of years. Examples: animal feces on the floor of the bathroom, discoveries of rotting trash in corners and nooks, entire rooms sealed off because they're "too full," and every single surface (table, counter, whatever) unusable because it's covered with junk.

 

A lot of other people have stopped visiting because they can't deal with the situation, and/or they're grossed out. And since she can't really go out (due to the young kids), that means she's cutting herself off from all social avenues.

 

Is there anyway to address this that won't make her feel judged and ashamed? Is there any way to HELP? A couple of friends have suggested volunteering to go over there and help with a huge cleanup (or pitching in to fund a professional cleanup), but I think it would just be a quick bandaid for a deeper wound ... and also, how would you even go about making that suggestion?

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You aren't a family member so tread very carefully. Where is the husband in all of this?

 

It's a public health issue if animal feces are everywhere, especially with small children. Toddlers stick anything and everything in their mouth. If all else fails, one avenue would be to involve Social Services/Child Protective Services in your jurisdiction.

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I have a friend who seems to be crossing the line into hoarder. It seems like an unhappy situation, a lot of people are concerned, and nobody knows what to do about it. Nothing?

 

She has a husband, three kids under age 6, and several pets, so her living environment would be chaos anyway way you slice it, but it's truly reached next level in the past couple of years. Examples: animal feces on the floor of the bathroom, discoveries of rotting trash in corners and nooks, entire rooms sealed off because they're "too full," and every single surface (table, counter, whatever) unusable because it's covered with junk.

 

A lot of other people have stopped visiting because they can't deal with the situation, and/or they're grossed out. And since she can't really go out (due to the young kids), that means she's cutting herself off from all social avenues.

 

Is there anyway to address this that won't make her feel judged and ashamed? Is there any way to HELP? A couple of friends have suggested volunteering to go over there and help with a huge cleanup (or pitching in to fund a professional cleanup), but I think it would just be a quick bandaid for a deeper wound ... and also, how would you even go about making that suggestion?

 

Have you seen that show hoarders. It was a series a while back on TLC or Discovery, or something?

 

I used to watch it -- my ex mother in law was a hoarder. It sucked. The show says its because of psychological reasons, and sometimes because people have a hard time letting go of situations, events, other people, or something.

Therapy is supposed to help.

 

 

My ex mother in law was a hoarder and for years I tried to help her. I would talk to her about it. Nothing.

 

I would spend hours cleaning her homes. About once a year I would go and clean her whole house up and remove all the trash and fix everything up really nice and she would be mad about me throwing everything out. And then 5 minutes later id see her throw news paper on the floor just after hours of cleaning carpets. I hated that.

 

Once, after cleaning up a 4 foot pile of toiletry item sets for christmas gifts, i had to seperate boxes for storing and selling, and trash, paper, wrappers etc. And I found a rat carcass that was completely deteriorated down to the white bone skeleton of it. A mouse had crawled into the pile and died, rotted, deteriorated, and all that was left was the skeleton.

 

I hated that.

 

I never could fix it.

I think she still probably hoards, but she does it in storage buildings now. Probably still pretty messy. Havent seen her house in years now.

 

Sorry you have to deal with this. It does suck.

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I actually think a report to Child Protective Services would help and wouldn't end up hurting her. I don't think they'd actually take her kids, but her knowing they would be looking in would force her to make it sanitary again and get all that junk out. It's a psychological issue more than anything. I mean, you can tell her you can see she's overwhelmed and volunteer to clean it up for her but only if she'll let you throw away anything there's no neat storage room for. As you go through, it will be all "That was my first born's communion dress." You tell her you'll make a pile for charity so other kids can enjoy all that stuff and she doesn't feel it's going to waste.

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MercuryMorrison1

Unfortunately, I think this is likely just one of those situation's where the person in question cannot be helped until they acknowledge that they themselves have an issue.

 

It's like someone who's obese realizing that they need to slim down or suffer dire consequence's. Her situation is essentially that, just with hoarding in place of obesity.

 

My grandmother was a hoarder years ago. She literally still had mail from the 1960's, which in it's own way was kind of cool, but not healthy that she held onto things like that for so many years. Eventually she realized, accepted, and corrected her problem though.

 

I think that's how it'll likely have to work with your friend. :(

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Have you seen that show hoarders. It was a series a while back on TLC or Discovery, or something?

 

I used to watch it -- my ex mother in law was a hoarder. It sucked. The show says its because of psychological reasons, and sometimes because people have a hard time letting go of situations, events, other people, or something.

Therapy is supposed to help.

 

 

My ex mother in law was a hoarder and for years I tried to help her. I would talk to her about it. Nothing.

 

I would spend hours cleaning her homes. About once a year I would go and clean her whole house up and remove all the trash and fix everything up really nice and she would be mad about me throwing everything out. And then 5 minutes later id see her throw news paper on the floor just after hours of cleaning carpets. I hated that.

 

Once, after cleaning up a 4 foot pile of toiletry item sets for christmas gifts, i had to seperate boxes for storing and selling, and trash, paper, wrappers etc. And I found a rat carcass that was completely deteriorated down to the white bone skeleton of it. A mouse had crawled into the pile and died, rotted, deteriorated, and all that was left was the skeleton.

 

I hated that.

 

I never could fix it.

I think she still probably hoards, but she does it in storage buildings now. Probably still pretty messy. Havent seen her house in years now.

 

Sorry you have to deal with this. It does suck.

 

You really seem like the perfect daughter in low <3

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As a friend you should tell her what you think

 

tell her some people are planning to tell the social services

and they gonna take her kids away

 

Tell her that, and you know she not speak to you again,

 

You can tell it in a concerned way ..

 

Try to help her see the show about hoarders on tv

and see a therapists ..

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Ask her if everything is okay lately. If she asks why, tell her you've noticed the state of her house and that it worries you. Maybe say that she's acting out of character. Don't act concerned just about the house, but also whatever problems she might be having that are causing her to let things go. Something must be wrong. See if she will talk about it. You need to see if she's in denial or not about it. Find out if she wants help or not. If you're lucky, she'll be willing to go talk to a therapist. Find out if she's concerned or not for her children. If she isn't, that's a big problem.

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You really seem like the perfect daughter in low <3

 

Thank you. I always wanted acceptance. Never got it. She largely contributed to the end of my marriage. I left because neither her nor her son ever once took the time to thank me or appreciate my effort to help. :)

 

warm fuzzies <3

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She needs professional help. If you just clean up your friends place, it will only return to the same state again, or worse.

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Standard-Fare,

She has a husband, three kids under age 6, and several pets, so her living environment would be chaos anyway way you slice it, but it's truly reached next level in the past couple of years. Examples: animal feces on the floor of the bathroom, discoveries of rotting trash in corners and nooks, entire rooms sealed off because they're "too full," and every single surface (table, counter, whatever) unusable because it's covered with junk.

 

^^^

 

This is a totally unacceptable situation.

 

If she and her husband want to live like pigs in muck, that's their choice as adults. However, when there are children and animals involved it is a different story.

 

You need to inform Environmental Services, Social Services and the RSPCA or whatever their equivalents are in North America.

 

Please do it now, as those children are seriously at risk.

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Standard-Fare

Okay, first off, I would never in a million years report my friend to child services, health services, whatever. I'm absolutely confident that's not the way for me to handle this situation. It's extreme, dramatic, and could cause my friend and her family some very severe long-term consequences.

 

I should clarify that I don't fear for her children's health or safety. My friend is a very caring and devoted mother in spite of the hoarding. And I don't believe the hoarding is to the point where it is specifically threatening to the children.

 

However, I also agree that nothing would be achieved by offering to "help clean up." The problem is deeper than that.

 

I might at some point try to have a gentle chat about what's up with her, does she feel like the house is getting out of control, is there anything me or other friends can do to help. That kind of thing. It's a sensitive, tricky subject.

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I have a friend who seems to be crossing the line into hoarder. It seems like an unhappy situation, a lot of people are concerned, and nobody knows what to do about it. Nothing?

 

She has a husband, three kids under age 6, and several pets, so her living environment would be chaos anyway way you slice it, but it's truly reached next level in the past couple of years. Examples: animal feces on the floor of the bathroom, discoveries of rotting trash in corners and nooks, entire rooms sealed off because they're "too full," and every single surface (table, counter, whatever) unusable because it's covered with junk.

 

A lot of other people have stopped visiting because they can't deal with the situation, and/or they're grossed out. And since she can't really go out (due to the young kids), that means she's cutting herself off from all social avenues.

 

Is there anyway to address this that won't make her feel judged and ashamed? Is there any way to HELP? A couple of friends have suggested volunteering to go over there and help with a huge cleanup (or pitching in to fund a professional cleanup), but I think it would just be a quick bandaid for a deeper wound ... and also, how would you even go about making that suggestion?

 

I have a friend and have known many that are hoarders. I'm the type that comes right out and says it and did. My friend is still in the same situation- a hoarder.

 

Hoarding IMO is a unique addiction, as society has placed much emphasis on drug addictions and such. A person can 'hoard' per se still feeling good that they don't have one of those 'other' addictions- you know?

 

Helping her 'clean up' might shift her back into more 'characteristic' behavior, so I wouldn't write that possibility off yet. She may be overwhelmed and has just given up for a time. Being a clean freak- that did happen to me...I just needed a jump-start.

 

BTW, you are a good friend- with good friends like you, she can't loose!

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Okay, first off, I would never in a million years report my friend to child services, health services, whatever. I'm absolutely confident that's not the way for me to handle this situation. It's extreme, dramatic, and could cause my friend and her family some very severe long-term consequences.

 

I should clarify that I don't fear for her children's health or safety. My friend is a very caring and devoted mother in spite of the hoarding. And I don't believe the hoarding is to the point where it is specifically threatening to the children.

 

However, I also agree that nothing would be achieved by offering to "help clean up." The problem is deeper than that.

 

I might at some point try to have a gentle chat about what's up with her, does she feel like the house is getting out of control, is there anything me or other friends can do to help. That kind of thing. It's a sensitive, tricky subject.

 

There's a programme on here (British tv) about compulsive cleaners on the one hand, and hoarders who vegetate in complete and utter chaos on the other. Every week a compulsive cleaner will be introduced to a hoarder and their messy home. The compulsive cleaner will shriek, gag, show the hoarder pictures of their own perfect home - then they'll disappear and return the next day with a stack of bin bags, rubber gloves, cleaning products, skip and a series of "get your act together" lectures.

 

As the clear up progresses, some sad story will generally emerge as the tossing out of long hoarded items stirs up various memories and issues. As the house gets cleaner, the hoarder gradually picks up confidence - often to the point where they'll challenge the compulsive cleaner about their own issues and their need to live in sterility. Eventually the house will be clean, the compulsive cleaner will gingerly hug their clarty new friend and then another friend of the hoarders will come round and survey the improvements admiringly while the hoarder vows never to let the place get in such a state again.

 

Organising a clean up might be a band aid solution, or it might be just the kickstart your friend needs to summon up the energy to start addressing whatever issues are concealed underneath all that clutter. Hygiene and safety issues aside, psychologically it's not good for anybody to live in the conditions you describe. While it feels like a delicate subject to bring up, I actually think it might be worse if you pussyfoot around the issue too much. Being too delicate in the way you raise stuff like this can actually end up causing a person more rather than less shame.

 

Something pretty direct. "I'm worried about you. You can't go on living like this, and having the kids live in these conditions. It makes it difficult for you to have friends round, and it probably also means your kids aren't having friends round - and I'm sure you want better for them than that. I really want to help you sort this mess out, and I think we need to set a date in the very near future to get it done."

 

Very likely you will get an angry, defensive, hurt and embarrassed reaction from her that you'll just have to wait out a bit....but when that passes she will likely begin to appreciate that you're there because you care and are willing to help.

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hoarding is an addiction of some type and could even cross into areas of mental illness. cleaning out her place or offering services similar to that could be very traumatic and counter-productive to the friendship. sometimes hoarding goes back to very early childhood issues or loss, not having enough, etc. it stems from issues that often need professional intervention. if you want to help just say "i am worried about you and sense there might be a problem with hoarding. what can i do to help." but it kinda goes beyond something you can manage as a friend - bigger steps are needed because the problems are deep-rooted

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Okay, first off, I would never in a million years report my friend to child services, health services, whatever. I'm absolutely confident that's not the way for me to handle this situation. It's extreme, dramatic, and could cause my friend and her family some very severe long-term consequences.

 

I might at some point try to have a gentle chat about what's up with her, does she feel like the house is getting out of control, is there anything me or other friends can do to help. That kind of thing. It's a sensitive, tricky subject.

 

I had a friend who hoarded cats to the point where no one would visit her house. I only visited her house in the beginning of our friendship because that's normal to visit friends' homes. Well, her house had over 17 cats, and there was feces and litter and the smell of cat urine everywhere. I asked her about her cat rescue work and she confessed she did it illegally with a friend. So, I felt that I HAD to report her cat hoarding for the sake of those poor cats. The city came and inspected her home, gave her a warning that came with a huge $ fine and a 30 day deadline to rehome the cats. Needless to say our friendship ended a couple of years later anyway, because despite giving up those cats, she continued to hoard and would discuss her home-grown cat rescue operation (that involved her driving around looking for cats to trap in various neighborhoods).

 

So I know you think you're betraying your friend if you did report her. Well, by not reporting your friend to the authorities (especially to get her help and her children help), you are in fact, enabling your friend to continue hoarding to the point where she endangers her children's lives and her own life. Now, hoarders don't care about the outside world.

 

So having a gentle conversation with your friend won't do a lick of good. It will be like shooting water at a rain coat. No effect whatsoever. Because guess what? Her need to hoard takes precedence over her friendship with you, over her ability to care for her children. She is not a good mother if she allows her own children to live in a house full of garbage and god knows what else.

 

I would hope your friend and her family are forced to deal with her hoarding, which is what reporting her to the authorities would enforce. She would be FORCED to confront the psychological issues that cause her to hoard. She would be FORCED to put the needs and welfare of her young children first, otherwise risk having them taken away and adopted out to another family.

 

You have to understand something about hoarders, Standard-Fare. They have a compulsion that no well-intended friend or family member can stop. You are simply not equipped with your good heart and good intentions to make her stop hoarding. She has to be dealt with by the authorities, by a professional hoarding expert i.e. psychologist trained to deal with hoarders. Hoarders are very stubborn, very much in denial and are delusional about their psychological problem of hoarding. Don't enable your friend by patting her on the head with a gentle talk. That will do nothing to change her circumstances.

 

If you want to help your friend, you need to report her to the authorities so that they can help her and her children. If you don't, you're just another passive enabler in her life who allows her to destroy her life and the life of her children around her.

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Standard-Fare,

Your loyalty to your friend is commendable but misplaced.

 

Have you never heard of Toxoplasmosis?

 

Toxoplasmosis | Doctor | Patient.co.uk

 

You have already told us that there are animal faeces on the bathroom floor and rotting rubbish in corners. To say that those children are not at risk healthwise is disingenuous.

 

For the sake of those children, please inform the appropriate authorities now - you can do it anonymously.

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Standard-Fare

Reporting my friend to the authorities is 100 percent off the table.

 

How low would that be? For me to come to her house, hang out and pretend like everything is fine, and then go behind her back and call the authorities, spinning her entire world on its head and putting the custody of her children in danger? I don't even understand how people are suggesting that as an appropriate tactic for a friend I care about.

 

If I ever thought her children were in actual danger (I don't right now) I would definitely address it with her and other people, and see what needed to be done.

 

As far as the animal feces... maybe my description was misleading. Last time I was in her house there was cat sh*t on the floor of one of the bathrooms. I brought my friend's attention to it and she sighed and was like "Yeah, that cat acts up sometimes and doesn't use litterbox." Anyone with pets has had this same type of thing happen. Problem is my friend is less likely to discover the accidents because of her general state of chaos.

 

It's not like there's dead animals and sh*t and mold all over her house. But the mess is still enormous and stressful.

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She has a husband, three kids under age 6, and several pets, so her living environment would be chaos anyway way you slice it, but it's truly reached next level in the past couple of years. Examples: animal feces on the floor of the bathroom, discoveries of rotting trash in corners and nooks, entire rooms sealed off because they're "too full," and every single surface (table, counter, whatever) unusable because it's covered with junk.

 

A lot of other people have stopped visiting because they can't deal with the situation, and/or they're grossed out. And since she can't really go out (due to the young kids), that means she's cutting herself off from all social avenues.

 

Is there anyway to address this that won't make her feel judged and ashamed? Is there any way to HELP? A couple of friends have suggested volunteering to go over there and help with a huge cleanup (or pitching in to fund a professional cleanup), but I think it would just be a quick bandaid for a deeper wound ... and also, how would you even go about making that suggestion?

 

Standard-Fare,

 

Sorry, but your OP mentions a lot more than random cat poo on the bathroom floor. If that were the case, your friend wouldn't be a hoarder, she'd just be lazy about cleaning up after her cat.

 

But from what you describe in your OP in bold, your friend has serious hoarding problems that none of you have chosen to help her with. Why? There is nothing wrong with reporting her to the authorities. It's your duty as her friend. So that needs to be put back on the table, if you want to help her. Otherwise, you're not helping her by remaining a silent, passive enabler.

 

Your friend's hoarding poses a serious health risk to everyone who lives in her home. Why are you in denial about that? Her children ARE in actual danger. Cat poop carries disease. All that rotting garbage produces gas, attracts rodents, bugs and is a serious health risk whether you want to admit it or not.

 

No one -- not even you -- visits this so-called friend anymore because of her hoarding. And this friend can't leave her house probably because she's trapped inside it due to the cumulation of garbage that you wrote that some of the rooms in her home are shut because they are full of garbage.

 

And you really think a gentle conversation or offer to clean up her home will cure her of her compulsive hoarding? It will not.

 

Since you refuse to take the appropriate action of consulting with a hoarding expert and giving that person your friend's name and phone number, then coming here to vent with no intention to intervene is pointless. Don't you think?

 

The only way to help your friend is to intervene. But if that's not on the table for you, then there's nothing anyone here can tell you that will change your mind. Everyone has given you sound advice here yet you refuse to follow it. So what's the end result? Leave your friend be, to continue her hoarding with no intervention to get her the help she so clearly needs?

 

This isn't a case of a mother of 3 unable to manage her household. This is a case of a woman who has put her entire family's health and well being at risk so she can hoard to repress whatever psychological pain she has from her life. Hoarding is a disease. It cannot be cured by conversation from a well intentioned friend. The road to hell is paved with good intentions. Intentions without action are useless.

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Read this fact sheet about hoarding, Standard-Fare. Maybe it will incite you to take action to help your friend.

 

http://www.ocfoundation.org/uploadedFiles/Hoarding%20Fact%20Sheet.pdf?n=3557

 

I think you also need to understand why your friend hoards, and why she will not change unless she gets the correct treatment.

 

Brain Scans of Hoarders Reveal Why They Never De-Clutter | Observations, Scientific American Blog Network

 

And this...

 

Hoarding Cleanup With Biohazard Or Feces

 

This last link discusses the health dangers of living with a hoarder. If you don't believe that, then you may want to spend a weekend living at your friend's home because you don't seem to think she has put her family -- especially her children -- in danger.

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Reporting my friend to the authorities is 100 percent off the table.

 

How low would that be? For me to come to her house, hang out and pretend like everything is fine, and then go behind her back and call the authorities, spinning her entire world on its head and putting the custody of her children in danger? I don't even understand how people are suggesting that as an appropriate tactic for a friend I care about.

 

If I ever thought her children were in actual danger (I don't right now) I would definitely address it with her and other people, and see what needed to be done.

 

As far as the animal feces... maybe my description was misleading. Last time I was in her house there was cat sh*t on the floor of one of the bathrooms. I brought my friend's attention to it and she sighed and was like "Yeah, that cat acts up sometimes and doesn't use litterbox." Anyone with pets has had this same type of thing happen. Problem is my friend is less likely to discover the accidents because of her general state of chaos.

 

It's not like there's dead animals and sh*t and mold all over her house. But the mess is still enormous and stressful.

 

Then you encourage your friend to seek counseling so she can get the help she needs. Her disorder is not going to get any better, it'll get worse as time goes on. She needs a trained professional to guide her, make her understand what hoarding is doing to herself, her kids and husband. The counselor will bit by bit help her get rid of stuff slowly and work with her to build the strength to do so.

 

Calling in the authorities now would be a mistake and chances are, her kids very well could be taken away from her.

 

What about her husband? Where is he in all this? Have you spoken to him?

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Then you encourage your friend to seek counseling so she can get the help she needs. Her disorder is not going to get any better, it'll get worse as time goes on. She needs a trained professional to guide her, make her understand what hoarding is doing to herself, her kids and husband. The counselor will bit by bit help her get rid of stuff slowly and work with her to build the strength to do so.

 

Calling in the authorities now would be a mistake and chances are, her kids very well could be taken away from her.

 

What about her husband? Where is he in all this? Have you spoken to him?

 

I disagree. Children that young are in danger and should be removed from the home, based on the way Standard-Fare described it. Rooms closed off because they are uninhabitable? How is that environmentally and structurally safe for children to be around?

 

If calling the authorities isn't an option for you Standard-Fare, then at least ask your friend to have her children removed to live with relatives. That may seem like an outrageous request coming from a friend, to suggest to her that she have her children stay with relatives, but you admit you won't even visit your friend because her house is so disgusting. So if you won't even go there, why do you think it's safe for 3 children to live in conditions so disgusting?

 

Also, what is her husband's role in all of this? Is he still living there? Does he not care that his wife is ruining their home, structurally-speaking?

 

I do agree with you, WWIU, that this woman needs a trained professional to intervene and to counsel her. Counseling is the first step to giving hoarders the emotional coping tools they lack to deal with what's the root cause of their hoarding behavior. Medication doesn't impact hoarding behaviors either, based on what the research says.

 

I think the reason I'm so adamant that you intervene is that I've been in this situation with a former friend and no one else, not even her fiance would do anything to help her. I mean, even her car was filthy. No one could ride as a passenger in it because in the backseat she had empty cages for catching ferril cats, and she hoarded garbage, free stuff, garage sale items, kept receipts, shoes, you name it, it was in her car.

 

It's a frustrating position to be in, when you care about someone who has such a serious problem. But unless you connect that person with the resources to get them help, nothing you can say or do will help them with their hoarding. I feel bad for you Standard-Fare, but I encourage you not to be passive but to at least give your friend some contact info to counselors who could help her with her hoarding. And get her husband to support your efforts to help if you can.

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CrystalCastles

Please please please get your friend help. Call the authorities- its not cruel to do that. It would be way more cruel to leave your friend and her family living in the conditions that they are.

 

I recently moved to an area that's in the process of being revamped- new houses going up. However there are still a lot of poor people living here, and people with addiction and mental illness issues. A year ago, in my neighborhood a guy, who was a hoarder and living alone, had things fall on him. Thank God the neighbors, who realized they hadn't seen him for 3 days, went to go check on him and found him pinned down under a bunch of stuff, with heavy items that fell on his leg and broke it.

 

If you leave this situation as is, it will only get worse. Your friend will run out of rooms to pile stuff in, and she'll pile them in hallways. Living in a home like that is unsanitary, unsafe because stuff can fall on you, and its a fire hazard. I've read news items where hoarders have died in house fires because the firemen couldn't get to them due to all the stuff blocking the way. Oh yeah, not to mention all the cockroaches, mice, mice poop everywhere, etc. Rotting food. This may not be the condition of her home now, but it could eventually get there.

 

Hoarding is also a sign of other issues, like depression or family problems. Your friend clearly needs help. Maybe she doesn't know how to get help, and she needs someone to be there for her. Being silent about this is only letting your friend dig herself into a deeper hole.

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Standard-Fare

I appreciate everyone's opinion, but I respectfully disagree that going to the authorities is the right way to handle things with a close friend who has not yet even been confronted on her hoarding and very possibly remains in denial of it.

 

If I did feel things were that bad, and her kids were in danger (which let me clarify again: I DO NOT), here would be the right way to address that:

 

I would get together a group of friends/family who shared my assessment of her situation, and we would stage an intervention. We would tell her: "We're very concerned.Things are to the point where child services/etc. would deem this an unsuitable environment for your kids. If conditions don't improve here, we might need to take action to get your kids out of this place." And we would provide her with information/resources to put her on a better path.

 

I should also add that I HAVE had conversations with other friends about this situation, and no one has once even suggested: "We need to go to the authorities." People are grossed out, they're confused, etc., but it's not to that level of alarm yet. If it does get there, action will be taken.

 

As far as the husband, he's definitely contributing, not helping, with the hoarding. I saw his place when he was a single man and it cluttered with a junk and a real mess. My friend has definitely never been a neat freak herself. I guess the combination of those two, plus the kids, plus the pets, plus all the other demands, just creates an environment of chaos.

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I'm going to predict that an intervention won't work. She is seriously ill. Like mentally ill and needs help.

I don't understand how you DON'T SEE a call to the authorities won't help. She is in trouble and needs help.

If her husband was beating her, wouldn't you call for help?

My MIL has been a hoarder for 40 years. My kids are in their 20's and have never been to her house. She makes excuses why people can't visit. When she dies we'll just bulldoze the place. Seriously, we've tried. She is addicted to her STuff and taking it away is like removing a limb from her, thats how hoarders see it.

It is a serious medical condition and she needs help. The husband is likely an enabler in denial and he needs help as well.

don't allow these children to be raised like this.

She'll need assistance and will likely revert very easily once she gets help. Its a very very difficult condition to treat.

good luck.

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