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Friendship Having issues with a friend? Get it off your chest!

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Old 9th December 2014, 7:28 PM   #1
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Stay friends with this guy?

So I've been friends with a group for a couple years now. There's always been issues with them, for me its mostly a lack of maturity on their part. They'll get mad at you if you joke with them too harshly, or you could say the wrong thing and they get angry. Anyhow my "friend" has succeeded at every turn to never defend me, always throw me under the bus, or worse, create worse conflicts where initially it was only minor. Some of the stuff that has really bothered me:


1. There's a girl in the group you have to be really careful what you say around her. She's gotten mad at me for stuff like: calling her a "hippy" twice, saying "something" offense, I once said to her her tattoos are stupid (joking) and heard back I said "her neck tattoo is ****" yadayada. My friend also told her I try to avoid sitting by her or talking to her, which has made things very uncomfortable. He later brought up how offensive that is, and I mentioned she should have no idea I'm doing that because it would be incredibly hard to figure out. I have no clue why he would ever tell her that.


2. Two of the girls got mad at me at one point. I was using "bitches" as a joke and they took offense. Rather than tell me that, and I think it also bothered them I was calling them hot, anyhow, he went on this huge rant which included saying things like:
1. I go around calling girls hot bitches all the time, and I should call my mom that to see how she reacts.
2. I'm a huge antifeminist, and I can't act like this because all girls are feminists.
3. I hit on them all the time.
4. I'm the creepy guy that keeps showing up to parties and all the girls hate me.


Anyhow, scenario one I think happened when I was drunk at 2 am, and I wouldn't have been serious when I said it, if I said it. I certainly don't do that all the time. I have no idea what he's talking about with 2, so I asked multiple times, and he had no response, so I just toldhim I'm fine with girls. I don't know who he was talking about with "hitting on" the girls. I've never told them a funny story (I have like 8-9 drinking stories), asked for a number, suggested we hang out more, or anything of that nature. So I still have no idea what that was about. And the creepy guy thing to me is just pure slander (if the whole thing isn't pure slander to begin with, which I think it is).


Recently I made friends with someone else in the group. The 4th time I was going to hang out with him he was going to go to some all girls party with just me and him. The 5th time he told me everyone I met that night didn't like me, and I''m so bad with girls he couldn't be seen at the same party as me. This is all stuff they have said in front of me over the past 2 months, and everytime they bring it up I explain how ridiculous and slanderous they are being. I confronted my friend and mentioned that this didn't go over well, and he countered with things that include: 1. none of his friends like me 2. I can't prove he said it 3. I called him an "*******" (gee I wonder why) to some mutual friend 4. More or less I deserve it. I told him that's not how this works, he then got upset and told me good night.

I'm nice and friendly, I don't ask a lot of people, and in general I get over conflicts I have with others on my own. That being said, this guy is a social nightmare to the point I don't want to hang out with him at all.


Anyone have ideas on how I could possibly get by this so I have some friends? I don't mind the others in the group, this guy has just gone from best friend to absolute worst friend in a hurry and I'm not sure what to do about it. Some stuff I did that helped a TON was never telling him my opinion on someone else, and not hanging out with him nearly as much..


As it is, I know they go to trivia every Thursday. I figured I might wait like 6 months then show up and see if we can get along at that point. Ideas?
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Old 9th December 2014, 9:36 PM   #2
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When your friends are trying to tell you something about yourself, you should listen. What you yourself described about sitting by some girl and then insulting her repeatedly, that is abusive language. You are trying to cut her down to size. Usually people who do this have really bad self-esteem and they try to find fault with others to make themselves feel better.

Aside from that, if you say you can't remember stuff people told you you do, then you are a blackout alcoholic and need to totally quit drinking. No one likes a smart*ss who is always insulting people to make himself feel smart. I think you're getting a "social adjustment" here. You should take it seriously. I'm glad you care enough to come ask people about it. Sometimes we learn all the wrong skills because of bad parental modeling or whatever when all we want is to have friends and be liked. But it sounds like you're going about it in an abusive way.
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Old 9th December 2014, 10:02 PM   #3
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Wow dude. I was neither abusive to her or am I a blackout alcoholic. That said, if I may have made a comment about someone being a "sexy bitch" at 2 am, then no I may not remember.


If she's getting mad at me for stuff like calling her a hippy I really don't see how we can be friends.


Tone it down a ton man please....


and just to be clear, its one guy saying this stuff about me, and most of the "friend fights" I get in are so childish I can't even apologize for them... I could give examples but why bother....


Another example, there was a girl that liked a guy and had hung out with him a few times. We were drinking together and I jokingly said something like "you slutting it up tonight or blablabla". Somehow I think that morphed into I call all girls slutty. I assume this is what he was referencing, but it was pretty far from the allegation I got. I wasjoking when I said it to her, and not only that but she was seeing a guy at the time. I was just talking about what was going on in her life in a joking manner.


I'm pretty far from abusive fwiw. I've been on the wrong side of the abusive side before and I agree its not fun, but yeah, I am very far from abusive, so please don't level stuff like that at me....
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Old 9th December 2014, 10:03 PM   #4
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Also I never sat by her and cut her down repeatedly. I haven't talked to her for longer than 10 minutes on a one on one basis, so that scenario you mentioned wasn't even possible forme. I only see her in groups and have rarely if ever talked directly to her about anything....
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Old 11th December 2014, 2:51 AM   #5
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I think you should stay friends with him. He's telling you important things about the social mistakes you're making. He's doing you a favor. He might be being a dick about it, but I would think that comes from frustration and maybe a little embarrassment for you. He's honestly trying to help you, I bet. So accept his help. If you don't like how he brings it up, speak to him privately and tell him that you're going to start taking his advice but that you'd prefer that he takes you aside to tell you these things.

You do say inappropriate things, though. Calling someone a hippy repeatedly is strange, telling someone their tattoo sucks or asking them if they're slutting it up is offensive, and referring to people as bitches is just ****ty. Those jokes might work with some people, but you generally have to be very good friends with a person to get away with jokingly calling them a bitch.

And you keep saying you were joking, as if that absolves you of any fault. It doesn't. Your "jokes" aren't working because no one is finding them funny. That's not their fault, it's yours. This is not the right audience to speak to that way. Your friend is trying to tell you that.

Quote:
Some stuff I did that helped a TON was never telling him my opinion on someone else
That's good and it makes sense. There's rarely ever any real need to voice your opinion on someone else, especially if it's negative.
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Old 12th December 2014, 12:19 PM   #6
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I don't even remember the hippy comment to be honest, and she should be able to take that. That's not even a joke, just an observation, that she could easily disagree with.


The bitches thing other people were using besides me and it was funny. I obviously never called anyone directly a bitch. That's called an insult. Anyhow what happened with that is a couple people to strong offense to it.


There's no common theme with this stuff either. Last time I went to his house and they just adopted a dog (no one there has any dog experience). Anyhow the roommate did stuff like told me to sit on the floor and let the dog have the seat on the couch, got mad at me when I told the dog to stop barking and it stopped barking, etc.


That girl and her tattoo's almost all of those comments are for sure hearsay because some people in the group decide to tell her my opinion on her tattoo's which I seriously don't understand why they would do that.


Anyhow not sharing my opinion on other people with this guy was one of the adjustments I made several months ago just because of his awful habit of telling them in the worst way possible.... Especially when I'm not serious about it to begin with.


and fwiw I'm not that concerned about my jokes not being funny. For the most part they are funny, and I don't do them (for obvious reasons) around people that don't know me well..... I'm sure that's part of this guys confusion. I say them around him and its fine, but when he goes to try to reuse them they occasionally blow up in his face (as I would know they would)...
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