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Close friend is not being the same with me


Friendship Having issues with a friend? Get it off your chest!

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  • 1 Post By evanescentworld
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Old 3rd December 2014, 4:47 PM   #1
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Close friend is not being the same with me

Iím a little hurt right now.
This summer I became very close friends with someone. We spoke everyday and developed an intimate friendship. We could make each laugh very easily and we confided in each other. We listen to each otherís problems and supported each other. It was a very close friendship and we acknowledged it saying it was a unique friendship. I like her more than just a friend but was concerned that things may change a little once she stated Uni so decided to just keep it as friends.
And things have changed since she has returned to Uni. I gradually started to hear less from her and the closeness was slipping away. To be honest for the last couple of months I only have heard from her if she wanted help with job applications etc.
It bothered me a little but Iíve been giving her the benefit of the doubt as I know she is very stressed about her final year.
Even though she has not been much of a friend to me since Uni Iíve continued to be there for her when she has asked me to help. I always encourage her to keep going with her studies and I spend alot of time helping her with job applications.
However, Iím going through some medical issues which she knows about but she has not showed much concern about it. She doesn't really ask how Iím doing. I messaged her yesterday and I told her I went to the hospital for my scans and asked how is her revision going.
She said revision is going ok but she is a bit busy right now. Letís catch up after my exams finish.
This really hurt me. Sheís not going to fail her exams by spending a couple of minutes texting me a few days over the next two weeks. But mainly because she did not even ask how my scan was and if Iím ok.
Considering what I do for her and that we are suppose to be close friends I feel hurt by her message.
I was very close to saying this to her in my reply but chose to let it pass and just said goodluck and left it.
I now feel some anger towards her and this will probably damage our friendship. I regret not telling her that she just upset me and giving her a chance to try and make up for it.
Do you think I should tell her that she upset me after her exams?
It will be difficult to be friends with her anymore unless we talk about it.
Or shall I just move on from her as she is being quite selfish?
Or am I over reacting?
We are suppose to be very close and I do alot for her so I donít think I am.
Iím very fond of her and what we had this summer was special. But it feels like she has moved on and sheís not really treating our friendship properly.
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Old 3rd December 2014, 5:13 PM   #2
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Obviously this is extremely one-sided.
I suspect you love her and feel that she is almost your GF.

Sadly, she feels no such thing and has you firmly relegated to the friend-zone.
Now, call her inconsiderate and uncaring, by all means, I can see your point: But you are investing far more into this than she is, and you're resenting her lack of commitment to you.
But she owes you none.

You are getting hurt and offended, because she is not acting the way you are. But you're acting like a BF, not a buddy.
And that's all she considers you to be.

You need to draw back and not communicate so much with her.
Let her come to you.
I don't think this will increase her commitment to you, or make her closer to you, but it will at least make her contact you... Possibly....
Of course, if she doesn't, then you know things have seen their best times, and those times are over.
Everything begins, peaks and then wanes. There is nothing on this planet, that doesn't do that.

Maybe it's time for this to slowly fade and be done with....
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Old 3rd December 2014, 5:33 PM   #3
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Thanks.

I think you are 100% correct in everything you said. I do love her and will continue to get hurt.

Before she started Uni she told me things like she feels a closeness with me that she does not feel with anyone else. She was encouraging us to continue as we are. We acknowledged to each other we have a special friendship.

I guess she has moved on and it's different now.

I think I need to lose her as a friend to move on. But that thought seems so scary.

Maybe after her exams I should just tell her how I feel. Maybe hearing from her that I'm just a mate and nothing more will bring closure. I can't be just mates with her.
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Old 3rd December 2014, 5:40 PM   #4
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Originally Posted by David_Marsh View Post
....I think you are 100% correct in everything you said. I do love her and will continue to get hurt.

.....
Maybe after her exams I should just tell her how I feel. Maybe hearing from her that I'm just a mate and nothing more will bring closure. I can't be just mates with her.
No, do not tell her how you feel. Women are not dense. She already knows you are more committed to her than she is to you. That's why she's acting distant. To discourage you., She KNOWS things have changed, but feels you are slow in accepting it.....

Closure comes from you, not her. Read the No Contact Guide. Nothing she can ever say will close it down for you, because contact with her just leaves more potential openings and more questions to ask....

If you can't just be mates with her then yes: It's over, and you need to terminate any connection.
If you want to tell her that your feelings run far more deeply but you realise she is not on the same page, so you're going to have to go No Contact, by all means do. But also tell her you do NOT want a reply, and immediately you send the message, cut off all possible contact points: Texts, calls, emails, the lot.

Read the NC Guide.
It will give you all the details you need.
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Old 3rd December 2014, 6:39 PM   #5
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The thought of losing all contact with her is killing me right now!!

I don't know what to do.
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Old 3rd December 2014, 8:21 PM   #6
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Sorry. I told you what you need to do. Whether you do it or not is up to you, but the longer you don't do it, the more difficult and painful it will become.
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Old 3rd December 2014, 9:57 PM   #7
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My first impression is that you have taken on a parental role with her, encouraging her in her studies, helping her with applications, putting up with it being one-sided. A parental role is the opposite of a romantic role and the two are not compatible. She's not worried about you because she views herself as the child and you as the parent who can take care of himself at this point. She is in uni, and her whole world is opening up. This is the natural time to make new friends and move away from old ones. If you are to have any hope of being a friend and it not being extremely one-sided, you need to stop giving yourself to her for no return and stop acting in a parental role and let her find her own way. Don't put forth any more effort than she does. If she's not concerned about you, stop acting concerned about her. If she never does thoughtful things for you, stop doing things for her. If she doesn't have time for you, stop making time for her. A friendship this imbalanced can't survive.
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Old 3rd December 2014, 10:51 PM   #8
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That's very inconsiderate of her! And rude too to not show much concern for your health and all that you're going through right now. Unfortunately she is self absorbed, I bet she's like that with others as well. She's not purposely being mean to you, she's just put herself first.

You won't like this, but my advice is, next time she needs your help, tell her no. That you are having a major health issues and just can't cope with handling more stuff. She'll either show you she cares or she won't. Or you could just call her out on how she's acting, not asking how you are and not being caring towards you.
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Old 4th December 2014, 4:36 AM   #9
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Quote:
Originally Posted by evanescentworld View Post
Sorry. I told you what you need to do. Whether you do it or not is up to you, but the longer you don't do it, the more difficult and painful it will become.
I do believe your advice is what is best for the long term but it's too painful to think about closing the door on her just yet. But then I think this will always bethe case.
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Old 4th December 2014, 4:51 AM   #10
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Originally Posted by preraph View Post
My first impression is that you have taken on a parental role with her, encouraging her in her studies, helping her with applications, putting up with it being one-sided. A parental role is the opposite of a romantic role and the two are not compatible. She's not worried about you because she views herself as the child and you as the parent who can take care of himself at this point. She is in uni, and her whole world is opening up. This is the natural time to make new friends and move away from old ones. If you are to have any hope of being a friend and it not being extremely one-sided, you need to stop giving yourself to her for no return and stop acting in a parental role and let her find her own way. Don't put forth any more effort than she does. If she's not concerned about you, stop acting concerned about her. If she never does thoughtful things for you, stop doing things for her. If she doesn't have time for you, stop making time for her. A friendship this imbalanced can't survive.
This is an interesting point you make about me having a parental role with her. I am 8 years older then her but also whilst we worked together I was a senior member of our team to her. Our friendship did start with her looking looking up to me but this changed as we became closer.

You are right. I need to stop giving her so much when I'm not getting anything in return. Hopefully this will open her eyes.
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Old 4th December 2014, 4:58 AM   #11
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Originally Posted by whichwayisup View Post
That's very inconsiderate of her! And rude too to not show much concern for your health and all that you're going through right now. Unfortunately she is self absorbed, I bet she's like that with others as well. She's not purposely being mean to you, she's just put herself first.

You won't like this, but my advice is, next time she needs your help, tell her no. That you are having a major health issues and just can't cope with handling more stuff. She'll either show you she cares or she won't. Or you could just call her out on how she's acting, not asking how you are and not being caring towards you.
She is being self absorbed. You are correct but it's such a shame I have to be like that to her. I should just be able to help her knowing she will also do the same for me. I don't like playing games so maybe it is better to confront her directly once her exams are finished in a couple of weeks.
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Old 4th December 2014, 5:24 AM   #12
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A friend of mine has suggested it was a mistake by me that I did not make it clear to her how exactly i felt towards her when she went back to Uni. I should have told her I feel for her more than a friend. I would have known how exactly she felt about me and we could have adjusted accordingly.

I didn't because I knew things would change (a little i thought) when she started Uni and it would be difficult to have a relationship. I was hoping we could more or less maintain our friendship the way it was. But the way we were friends was pretty much like being in a relationship anyway.

Before she went to Uni we did have a chat and said to each other that we do have a close unique friendship and she in particular encouraged me to keep talking to her in the same way. I thought this was just right and did not need me to risk telling her I like her more than a friend at this point. We were both a little drunk during this chat so maybe she didn't quite mean it as she said it.
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