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Weird or not? Thanksgiving vacation gone awry


Friendship Having issues with a friend? Get it off your chest!

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Old 28th November 2014, 12:23 PM   #1
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Weird or not? Thanksgiving vacation gone awry

Question to the women: If you had a woman friend who wanted to spend 4 nights in a cold cabin in the middle of nowhere with you and was very controlling and dictatoring what you guys did together...what would you make of that? This just happened to me. My anxiety was through the roof. She wouldn't let me have a say in the route we took to drive and kept telling me what we would be doing next. This is a woman friend I had met from work who has dated men and is a retired high ranking military person. Pretty woman who acts like she is in charge.


I told her yesterday that I felt very controlled and uncomfortable. She kept planning things and just telling me what we would be doing and if I resisted wouldn't take my no's for an answer. She said we would go shopping together and look at shops yesterday. I told her many times I didn't want to go shopping. So I said, "I would really appreciate it if you would take me back to the cabin and drop me off and you go shopping." She said, "We can go shopping tomorrow. What WOULD you like to do?" I said, "I'm an adult woman. I want to choose for myself what I do and not have to answer to you and I want some space. I feel so controlled and isolated and cornered. I'm completely stressed out." Then she said, "If you just want to stay in and watch movies for four days I would do that. I'm up for whatever you want" I just stared at her and said, "I don't want to do that." I was speechless...I don't want to stay in a cold cabin in the woods with another woman watching movies for four days. I could see being with a man that way but a woman friend? It just seems weird. I told her I was willing to rent a car and drive home in a day or two, that I was bored and unhappy. She said, "Well I think we should go home right now." There was no discussion, no compromise. Nothing. She started packing things and immediately packed the car. She drove like a bat out of h*** the 8 hours home and dropped me off. Barely spoke to me the whole drive. I even felt like I wasn't allowed to rent a car and drive myself home. She kept in total control driving me home. And a sidenote she had mentioned to me in the past she has control issues and likes to drive when she does things with friends so she is in control.


I have dated a couple of controlling men and my anxiety with this woman was way higher than with them.
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Old 28th November 2014, 12:49 PM   #2
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Weird. Time to walk away from her, she's intense, controlling and doesn't sound like a fun friend to hang out with.
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Old 29th November 2014, 5:06 PM   #3
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I was surprised to discover she deleted me on FB this morning. I was seekng a lot of narcissistic tendencies from her and now I feel it's confirmed.
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Old 29th November 2014, 7:48 PM   #4
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seems like maybe a lot is missing from this story? most people don't just hop in a car with someone and drive off for 4 days unless you know the person fairly well. there must have been some discussion beforehand in order to even get this thing going, so wouldn't you have seen this behavior earlier, or made some plans? and it's fine she deleted you as a friend, who cares. you obviously don't want to be her friend and she (now) feels the same.
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Old 30th November 2014, 1:16 AM   #5
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I was surprised to discover she deleted me on FB this morning. I was seekng a lot of narcissistic tendencies from her and now I feel it's confirmed.
Hey, good riddance! She did you a big favour by deleting you off of fb and more or less ended the friendship so you didn't have to do it first.
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Old 30th November 2014, 5:14 AM   #6
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She does sound domineering, but I'm also sensing a bit of timidness on your part, until you were pushed to the limit. And at that point I think you may have come on too strong trying to stand up for yourself.

Had she been to the cabin before, or did she invite you there? If so, I can see how she might have thought she needed to play hostess and show you around and keep you entertained. She was pushy about taking you shopping, but once she actually caught on that you didn't want to go shopping, she asked what you did want to do and from then on you became kind of difficult and maybe even a little offensive. I'm sure she was surprised by your reaction. And probably hurt.

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I even felt like I wasn't allowed to rent a car and drive myself home.
You had more power over your situation than you felt you did.

Unless she was physically restraining you or somehow keeping you from communicating with the outside world, then you were completely allowed to rent a car and drive yourself home. One problem I can spot with your plan was that you wanted to rent a car and drive yourself home in a day or two. I was confused by that. What did you expect her to do for the next day or two until you left? Should she have spent that time avoiding you and going out and doing her own thing by herself? Did you want her to go home and leave you there?

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I was surprised to discover she deleted me on FB this morning.
This should not have been a surprise. Surely you can understand why she did that.
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Old 30th November 2014, 12:17 PM   #7
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The entire situation is hard to type all the details. She had been very domineering up until the trip as well. Multiple emails telling me what we will be doing and me writing back and trying to put up boundaries and saying I can't afford that or don't want to do that. I was even told on this trip that one of her travel rules is no pooping in the room and to wait and use a public restroom. I think that's pretty controlling and unreasonable.

Yes she did ask what I wanted to do but I really needed a break from her. She would absolutely not allow me to be alone or do anything without her which was overwhelming. I have known her for a while and had been seeing a lot of narcissistic traits. I really think she just wanted to take a trip and I was along for the ride and to help pay for things.

No I was not allowed to rent a car. I was TOLD we were going home. She looked like a tornado packing up the car.
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Old 30th November 2014, 12:30 PM   #8
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From rereading my post...yeah there are some details missing. It's hard to type it all. When I did have the conversation with her I told her I felt completely controlled. She didn't seem interested to know why or why I felt so uncomfortable.

Driving up to the cabin was miserable. She took some back roads which added 3 hours to the trip. I spoke up twice and said I felt really uncomfortable and would like to stick to major highways. The second time I said it she snapped and said We had to go west!!!!! She quit speaking to me for over an hour. Our phone service went out and there were no places to stop and deer on the roads. She later on said that she had always wanted to drive through backroads but didn't want to go alone. I think that is too domineering and inconsiderate. If I speak up I'm being run over and decisions were being made without discussions. Maybe I didn't want to spend an extra 3 hours in the car? Maybe I didn't want the risk of hitting a deer or having no cell service in the middle of nowhere? She brought her dogs with her which stunk btw and she would stop every two hours to walk them and take an entire 30 minutes each time. I thought that was excessive and she didn't care that I was expected to just sit and wait while she took her time.
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Old 30th November 2014, 12:39 PM   #9
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So I'm confused as to why you even agreed to go away for 4 days to an isolated cabin with this woman in the first place?
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Old 30th November 2014, 12:51 PM   #10
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So I'm confused as to why you even agreed to go away for 4 days to an isolated cabin with this woman in the first place?
I actually didn't agree to 4 days. She didn't ask how many days I would like and I wrongly assume it would be 2-3. She also was not completely open on the price. I had been told 100-150 a night but the cost ended up being 175. When she made the reservation I did feel trapped but when I read the rental agreement, we weren't going to get our money back so I felt like there was no way out or to even ask if we could shorten our time there. I asked her twice "What can we do for that long?" She kept saying "We can go shopping. There are lots of shops there."
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Old 30th November 2014, 1:27 PM   #11
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I actually didn't agree to 4 days. She didn't ask how many days I would like and I wrongly assume it would be 2-3. She also was not completely open on the price. I had been told 100-150 a night but the cost ended up being 175. When she made the reservation I did feel trapped but when I read the rental agreement, we weren't going to get our money back so I felt like there was no way out or to even ask if we could shorten our time there. I asked her twice "What can we do for that long?" She kept saying "We can go shopping. There are lots of shops there."
well, this is over and done now, so use it as a learning experience. the next time a friend asks to to go away you start by renting your own room. it sounds like you're way too spineless. if someone is treating you badly - before you even go - just cut your losses and don't go. at this point you'd probably be happier to be out the money than to have had this experience. don't be so reliant upon another person for the planning and driving and etc. if it looks like they will be controlling you then it's best to just back out - refund allowed or not. i mean, you're an adult woman, right? you could easily make a call and get a rental car at any point. you can easily say that you don't want to go anymore and you will forfeit the deposit or whatever. unless this was a kidnapping you were completely free to stop the trip at any point and find a way back home.
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Old 1st December 2014, 4:00 PM   #12
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Well, different strokes. I would have been in heaven in the cold cabin for 4 days with someone who actually suggested things to do -- and I would have felt free to tell her, Nah, you go on shopping and I want to read this afternoon.

Next time, know what you're getting into and if it's out of your comfort zone, don't do it. Since you say she's domineering, I believe you, but when someone does plan the trip and it's their project, you know, they usually do take the lead on what to do. If they didn't, you'd be sitting around in the car floundering about whether to stop at Dairy Queen or go see dinosaur tracks. If you want to take the initiative and plan a trip, I'd hope you'd have some stuff in mind as well. My guess is that maybe you didn't speak up until you were at the breaking point.

I had a friend/roommate who used to go along with stuff silently and then ruin it by getting anxious midway through the trip and return home for no apparent reason. I mean, she could have not come to begin with. If she had things different she wanted to do, she could have discussed them beforehand and we'd make a plan. Decisive people can often be seen as domineering, but that's not always a fair assessment if the other person has failed to make their wishes known or hasn't been in the habit of initiating complete plans.
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