ScreaminEagle Posted November 27, 2014 Share Posted November 27, 2014 This maybe a little bit of a rant, or maybe the rumblings of my future New Year's resolution, but I find that more often then not, in my social circle, even with close friends, I am always the one who initiates contact or communication. I think friendship should be reciprocal, not one sided, as well as the communication aspect. I have one friend who I did not text for one week, she never initiates unless she wants or needs something, and she texted me, "What's wrong, I haven't heard from you in a week?". Seems like I am damned if I do, damned if I don't. Most people don't talk on the phone, very few. My Facebook messages go unanswered, Happy Birthdays, Happy Holidays, etc. It gets frustrating. I don't want to change who I am for anyone, but it is getting to the point that it is bothering me. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted November 27, 2014 Share Posted November 27, 2014 Well, see, once she didn't hear from you in a week, then she did initiate. People get in routines. My best running buddy hardly ever initiates. She's used to me taking the lead, I guess. But if she didn't hear from me for long enough, she'd find out why. So basically, if you want to change the balance, stop initiating and see how long it takes them. Respond positively when they finally do initiate, not being mad or resentful and reward them that way for initiating and maybe that will encourage them to do it more. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ScreaminEagle Posted November 27, 2014 Author Share Posted November 27, 2014 Well, see, once she didn't hear from you in a week, then she did initiate. People get in routines. My best running buddy hardly ever initiates. She's used to me taking the lead, I guess. But if she didn't hear from me for long enough, she'd find out why. So basically, if you want to change the balance, stop initiating and see how long it takes them. Respond positively when they finally do initiate, not being mad or resentful and reward them that way for initiating and maybe that will encourage them to do it more. Thank you for the advice. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
davema Posted December 1, 2014 Share Posted December 1, 2014 (edited) If you don't want to change, then get used to going unanswered and not getting back what you give. But I would say you should cut back on the 'giving' to see if you start 'getting'. It could be that you are so in tune (ultra-conscious) with giving and waiting on a response than most are. Some people go about their lives and get busy and don't answer stuff or text back or call back. They are selfish but we all are in some ways, we're human. I have friends I'll call that won't call back at all or will call back a week later saying they 'have just been so busy' or friends that I'll text who won't text back at all, then they will call a month later asking to hang out or grab a beer, etc. Social relations have really changed a lot. I prefer talking on the phone or seeing people in person when I need to communicate with them. This world has become an EMAIL, TEXT, I'LL GET back TO YOU WHEN I GET back TO YOU society. Hardly anyone I know calls me if they need to reach me, they text or email. So since everyone has gotten used to not phoning someone up, they can easily ignore a text or ignore an email or put it off for a while until they remember or feel like getting to it. I don't like it but I just go on with life Edited December 1, 2014 by davema 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Michelle ma Belle Posted December 1, 2014 Share Posted December 1, 2014 (edited) This is the point in your life where you start to realize who your TRUE friends are. I've learned a long time ago not to waste my energy on people who don't reciprocate. I'm the first to give you the shirt of my back and the last dollar in the wallet BUT it's a two way street after all. Don't be afraid to distance yourself from these people. It's all part of the maturing process. It's better to focus on quality relationships rather than quantity. Edited December 1, 2014 by Michelle ma Belle 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ScreaminEagle Posted December 1, 2014 Author Share Posted December 1, 2014 This is the point in your life where you start to realize who your TRUE friends are. I've learned a long time ago not to waste my energy on people who don't reciprocate. I'm the first to give you the shirt of my back and the last dollar in the wallet BUT it's a two way street after all. Don't be afraid to distance yourself from these people. It's all part of the maturing process. It's better to focus on quality relationships rather than quantity. Sadly if i cut everyone out fitting that description I would be one lonely fellow. What really makes a true friend? Some people say that true friends can go without speaking for months. I disagree. Link to post Share on other sites
StalwartMind Posted December 2, 2014 Share Posted December 2, 2014 Sadly if i cut everyone out fitting that description I would be one lonely fellow. What really makes a true friend? Some people say that true friends can go without speaking for months. I disagree. I believe that what makes a true friend is entirely up to each individual to decide. Typically you would connect it with someone whom has a lot of similar traits, basically you can reflect yourself greatly in that person. You know how each other think or feel in most situations and your empathy ensures that neither feel left alone at any given time. It really depends greatly on each friendship. I have my set of ideas, I know what i value greatly in others as well as what I highly dislike. Just because I have my view on life and other humans, doesn't mean I don't understand that it might be very different to someone else. In fact, I always enjoy disparity even with people whom I do not agree with, just because there should always be room for people to embrace their differences. When it comes to initiations and responses, people are like night and day too. Some have incredibly complex rules, and prioritize certain individuals above others when it comes to communicating and responding. The downside from this technological world with everything being so very instantaneous, is that your privacy and "alone" time is cut effectively down to zero, especially if you carry a phone around you these days. It's possible to get a hold of most people 24/7 and when something goes ignored for an extended period of time, it can be easy to feel ignored. This is where I believe that you need to try and put yourself into the position of someone else. There really isn't any right or wrong way to do things, but you know this too, one or certain ways of communicating makes you feel a lot better. I both initiate and respond whenever I can, and on a personal note I would always want someone to tell me honestly if they feel upset, annoyed, etc. with anything between us, because it's the best and sometimes only way a solution to a problem can be reached. No one can read someone else mind 100%, but you most certainly can reach a higher status of mutual connection where you just know things, but there will always be times when directness is needed. In your specific case with a lot of stuff going unanswered, yeah I'd probably also feel pretty demotivated, I most certainly would feel bad as it's considered pretty good behavior to at the very least give a "thank you back" when you greet someone happy birthday or whatever. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
sm2281 Posted December 2, 2014 Share Posted December 2, 2014 Most of these responses are right, I think. I lost alot of friends and moved out of state when I got divorced, and really found out who my friends were. I am making new friends all the time, but the people I hold near and dear are few and I talk to them regularly. I am also a "giver" and have geared myself toward "getting" as said in someone elses post. I have my holiday list to take care of with my SO but after that I am thinking about taking a breather to see if someone else cares about the sweet nothings and wants to reciprocate. Friends, alot of them just use you, and some just are selfish. . . .you gotta learn to love who they are or leave it alone because it can get to be exhausting. Or maybe just take it in doses. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ScreaminEagle Posted December 2, 2014 Author Share Posted December 2, 2014 I truly like and value everyone's insight and responses. You guys are dead on the money. I think the downfall of true friendship has come to ahead with technology which makes it very impersonal. I too have a pecking order of people I respond to based upon how close I am to them. I have some friends very few I can tell my deepest darkest secrets to, and some I socialize with but there are clear boundaries. Either way, I do feel (this is just my opinion) people make excuses to justify them not responding. This is classic, you text someone, a friend, no response. My immediate thought is hey they are busy, maybe at work etc, next thing you know 7 minutes later they like a Facebook post of yours. No response to a text but you can like my Facebook post ? It sounds so juvenile but it is such a passive aggressive way of carrying on a friendship, and a good portion of my social circle conduct themselves in such a manner. The irony is when I hold back contact when I get fed up, the responses I get are "Where has he been? He fell off the face of grid again?". Responses like that tell me these people are consciously and knowingly choosing how to prioritize communication with me in their life. I have decided that I am the one who allows people how to treat me, something I need to work on, but I recognize that. Thank you all, again. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Detectingfreak Posted December 4, 2014 Share Posted December 4, 2014 I used to be the initiator of my group of friends. I recently just stopped contacting them because they all got into drugs and I got tired of initiating hanging out. Now I am alone and happy I have learned to love being alone and love myself 1 Link to post Share on other sites
genuinelyloverly7 Posted December 10, 2014 Share Posted December 10, 2014 I used to be the initiator of my group of friends. I recently just stopped contacting them because they all got into drugs and I got tired of initiating hanging out. Now I am alone and happy I have learned to love being alone and love myself THIS:cool: 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Sugarkane Posted December 11, 2014 Share Posted December 11, 2014 Does your friend know they are doing it? Maybe they dont realize they are doing it? Link to post Share on other sites
Author ScreaminEagle Posted December 13, 2014 Author Share Posted December 13, 2014 How can they not know they are doing it ? It sounds childish but it is true. Link to post Share on other sites
Detectingfreak Posted December 14, 2014 Share Posted December 14, 2014 How can they not know they are doing it ? It sounds childish but it is true. Because everyone has there own lives and are busy 90% of the time. I just got back to working full time 40 hours a week and hanging out with friends seems like a chore rather then fun. You only have so many hours in the day after working, that people pick and choose who they spend time with. Start to branch out and meet more people from work and become friends with them. Friendships don't last forever. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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