Work-Spouse left job - Can friendship continue?

[confused207]

I'm having a pretty rough time. In the span of 6 days, my 2 best friends from work both left the firm we worked at, one of them being my "work-husband." His departure date was a little unexpected. He was supposed to stay until December 5th, but ended up having his last day this last Wednesday because there wasn't enough work available to keep him busy. I was on an out of town job when this happened so wasn't even there for his last day. Let me back up a little before getting to the ultimate question.

 

We were moved into cubicles next to each other last December. For the first couple months, I wouldn't say our interaction was out of the ordinary, but we slowly started to talk more and found that we really got along well. We make each other laugh and are both supportive of each other, him especially as it relates to me. We started going out to lunch every now and then and we were on a few out of town engagements at the same time and did things like mini golf and just walked around town talking. At no time have things crossed from being a platonic friendship, and I am completely ok with that. He's not someone that I find physically attractive, I just enjoy spending time with him and I know he enjoys spending time with me. At work, we would IM daily, and topics of discussion were pretty open. We also text some outside of working hours and have made a few trips to a casino about an hour away, always with a group of people (note, the casino is going to be mentioned a couple times, I'm not a big gambler but it's a lot of fun).

 

The issue begins when you introduce his wife into the mix. He has been married about 6 years, has a 1 year old and they just learned that she is pregnant again. I know their marriage has been in a rocky patch recently, but I think it's improved some with the pregnancy news and they're starting some marriage counseling next month I believe. His wife seems to not like him spending time with me. It wasn't a huge issue when we worked together, because I would see and talk to him at work and we could make it group activities if we ever wanted to do something outside of work. Now that we no longer have work in common, I don't always want to hang out in groups. There are conversations I like to have with him that I don't want to have when we have mutual friends/his friends around. The conversations aren't bad by any means, but I'm a fairly private person and only like to have those conversations with close friends, which I consider him to be. We had plans to go to the casino tomorrow with one of his friends. He text me on Friday saying his friend can't go. I ask if that means we have to wait until he can since I've been told that his wife doesn't like him spending time alone with me (she really doesn't know me at all so I don't know what causes this other than the fact that I'm a single female). He said he wasn't sure. I checked in today and he said he thinks it's officially off.

 

Ultimately, the situation is both sad and frustrating. Sad because I feel like I'm losing a friend who is important to me and frustrating because it feels unnecessary and like there is nothing I can do about it. If we always have to have a 3rd party present to hang out, that makes it harder to schedule things and the quality of the time isn't quite as good as what I had grown accustomed to. My question is how would you advance in this situation? Do you think trying to get to know his wife would help? Maybe try to set up a lunch for the 3 of us and just get to know her better? She worked in the same field as the 2 of us do, but quit a year ago when she had their first kid, so there should be some things in common. Do I just wait and see what happens? Do I stop talking to him? I don't want to cause issues in his marriage, and he knows this, but it's hard to imagine not being friends with him.

 

Any thoughts would be appreciated. Again, I'm solely interested in a platonic friendship with him. I just need to find a way to make sure his wife is ok with him having a platonic friendship with me (and make sure she realizes that's all I'm after - I don't want her thinking I'm trying to steal her man because that is NOT what I want to do). Sorry for this being so long - thanks for reading!

[preraph]

If you're really his friend, though, you'll think about what's good for his marriage, and obviously this is causing tension in his marriage bigtime. It really doesn't matter whether you say you're happy with platonic. He's a man and men usually are not strictly platonic in their minds, and his wife is well aware of that. The fact you are wanting alone time with him to discuss more private things is a red flag to me that you are a bit more invested than a normal platonic relationship would be. The bottom line is your attachment to him is actually hurting his marriage and making it unstable, so as a true friend, you really need to back off. He doesn't need to be having to defend you to his wife. His mind should be on the new baby, and hers to. Do the right thing and let him go. There will be other friends and other men.

[whichwayisup]

Nope, let him go. He isn't yours, even as a 'work husband'. You've got some feelings for him and even though the friendship is platonic, you're too emotionally attached to him which is not good seeing as he's married, with a child and another one on the way. What you two shared in common was at work. He isn't there anymore, it's time to walk away and make new friends, single men and women. Not married men. It's just asking for trouble.

 

Put yourself in his wife's shoes for a minute. You're married, pregnant and already have a child and you find out your husband has a 'work wife' that he's close to and spends a lot of time with, they are personal and she's know details of your home life, good and bad. Your H leaves the job... Honestly, would you totally approve of your H continuing contact with her? Lunches and dinners? Without you and allowing them to 'bond' and get to know each other more and more? My guess is, you'd feel hurt. You'd feel he's getting too cozy and close to another woman, and wonder if something else was really going on, that he's hiding and lying stuff from you.

 

Give this some thought too - befriending a MM isn't good for you either. He is committed to his wife and children, his family. You can't rely on him for much, can't call him whenever you want and hope he comes to you if you need him (crisis or whatever).

 

Let go of him and focus on making new friends, I hope you take my advice.

[confused207]

Thank you both for your responses. I definitely see where you're both coming from, as this is an option that I've been thinking hard about and which I included among my original options. It just seems like such a sad option that I was hoping wasn't the only option. I guess I could have been more clear about my issue with all of our hanging out being group things. More so than not being able to talk about everything, my main issue is that if the 3rd party can't go, our plans fall through. This happened twice within a week now. We were supposed to go to the casino with the other friend from work who just recently left and her husband, but they had something come up last minute and couldn't go, thus we couldn't go. Then it happened again this weekend when his friend couldn't go. It sucks to think you have plans, and then all of a sudden you don't even though half the group is still available to go, and if this were any other situation, we still would go. Just seems like a let down. If this didn't seem like it was going to be a frequent occurrence, I think I could deal with the group activities.

 

I just don't fully see why this can't be like any other friendship for him (I do partially see it - I'm not oblivious to how his wife could be perceiving the situation). I would absolutely be open to his wife coming along for lunch/dinner, as mentioned in my original post. I would like to get to know her better. I'd like her to see that he really isn't hiding anything from her or lying to her. A lot of our conversations are petty mundane - college football (a favorite of mine), work issues, what we want in a career, etc. For example, we texted a little today (conversation started by him, as most are), and it was 100% related to some college games that were being played today. If she read through our texts, I don't think she would find much that would concern her content wise.

 

Just seems this goes back to the age-old can men and women be just friends question. It seems like the answer to this should be yes, assuming all parties are on the same page, which I think we are here. I know his family is important to him and he knows I want him to be happy in his marriage. Seems like we should be able to maintain some kind of friendship. I wish this wasn't perceived as a friendship between a man and a woman, but a friendship between 2 people and nothing more. What do I do when he texts then? Which I'm sure he will. No contact? Or talk this through with him? No contact seems so extreme and I don't think he'll have any idea why I suddenly disappeared.

[whichwayisup]

First you have to be totally honest with yourself. Do you have any feelings for him and are a bit emotionally attached to him? Is wanting him in your life totally and only platonic? Just hearing the 'letdown' you feel when plans fell through, you were quite disappointed.

 

Sometimes work buddies are just that, work buddies. And when they leave work, things just automatically change over time, there's less in common and you find out that as time does go on you detach and he won't be in your head as often.

 

Slow down the texting and see what happens. Get busy with other friends and focus more on you and your life rather than making efforts to keep in touch. He hasn't asked you to meet his wife, he has backed out of plans so it's not just him and you alone, he knows that's just not right to do because he's married and his wife wouldn't like it ... I'd kind of take that as a sign. Also, how often do you two text? If it's daily, that's too much and since you've implied he texts you first, it makes me wonder about what he feels for you, which is why he avoids one on one time with you outside of the office. He isn't going to put himself in that situation, out of respect for his wife and family.

 

I'm not saying that men and women can't be friends but when you say work husband and he may view you as work wife, things can get complicated without knowing it or being aware of what's happening, no intention of it leading somewhere, but obviously it happens all the time.

 

It's up to you but I'd let this co worker friendship die a natural death.

 

Edited to add:

 

For example, we texted a little today (conversation started by him, as most are), and it was 100% related to some college games that were being played today. If she read through our texts, I don't think she would find much that would concern her content wise.

 

She may not like that he's texting with a single woman about 'whatever'. Boundaries are important. I mean, would you totally be OK with a boyfriend or husband daily texting with another woman? Evenings, weekends too? For all you know he could be hiding his phone from her so she won't ask who he's texting with.

Edited November 23, 2014 by whichwayisup

[whichwayisup]

The issue begins when you introduce his wife into the mix. He has been married about 6 years, has a 1 year old and they just learned that she is pregnant again. I know their marriage has been in a rocky patch recently, but I think it's improved some with the pregnancy news and they're starting some marriage counseling next month I believe. His wife seems to not like him spending time with me. It wasn't a huge issue when we worked together, because I would see and talk to him at work and we could make it group activities if we ever wanted to do something outside of work. Now that we no longer have work in common, I don't always want to hang out in groups. There are conversations I like to have with him that I don't want to have when we have mutual friends/his friends around. The conversations aren't bad by any means, but I'm a fairly private person and only like to have those conversations with close friends, which I consider him to be. We had plans to go to the casino tomorrow with one of his friends. He text me on Friday saying his friend can't go. I ask if that means we have to wait until he can since I've been told that his wife doesn't like him spending time alone with me (she really doesn't know me at all so I don't know what causes this other than the fact that I'm a single female). He said he wasn't sure. I checked in today and he said he thinks it's officially off.

 

I re-read this and you know what? He IS choosing his wife over your friendship with him. He's canceled twice, as he knows his wife would not like him spending one on one time with you away from work. He is respecting her. Sorry that hurts, you're probably going to lose the friendship with him. It's just the way it goes with married people. She isn't pleased with the friendship and feels threatened by you... Also, you know they've had some marital issues and seen a counselor so their situation/marriage may be fragile right now and he doesn't want to take any chances of causes problems.

 

He's a nice guy and probably won't be rude about it, but in his own way he's kind of backed off, keeping it light and to text.

[Copelandsanity]

The fact that you even know details about his marriage is a concern.

 

It doesn't even have to get physical, it can be an emotional affair. The road you two were going down would have led to being best friends. Which is what his wife is supposed to be.

[confused207]

Being honest - No, I do not have feelings for him, though there probably is some sort of emotional attachment, which is what is making this so hard. Wanting him in my life truly is only for platonic reasons. We get along well, he makes me laugh, and I enjoy the time I spend with him. If he were female and we got along like we do, I don't think I would feel any differently about the situation. His gender has nothing to do with why I want to be friends with him, we just get along so well it seems hard to imagine not being friends.

 

You could be right though about work buddies being work buddies and things naturally changing as we have less in common. Outside of things changing to where his wife is ok with us being friends, this would probably be the easiest option for me - things just naturally changing and me not missing having him around.

 

Couple more details - I have met his wife at various work functions, but haven't had much conversation with her. He also invited me over Thursday evening when I got back from my out of town job to test out this new betting technique we had come up with earlier in the week. His wife and his friend that was supposed to go with us today were both there. It was pretty awkward as far as his wife was concerned. She kind of just left the 3 of us to do our thing and didn't talk much. That could have gone better and he expressed the same thoughts afterwards, so I do think he wants me to get to know his wife and he said he thinks things would go smoother if her and I knew each other better.

 

Also, he's avoided one on one trips to the casino, but he hasn't fully avoided one on one stuff. We went to a couple football games this season for our alma mater (his wife knew we were going together and was ok with it - why this was different than anything else, I don't fully understand). We've also had lunches together and dinner when we're both out of town on the same job. He was also the first one to throw out the 'work-wife' phrase - I had never heard of the concept until then, but looked it up and it seemed fitting. In his last IM to me before he left he said we had plenty of hanging out left to do, so I'm not sure what kind of sign he's trying to give. It doesn't seem like he's trying to cut everything off by any means.

 

To answer your question - the texting has been daily since he left (outside of today, but it's still early). It hasn't been like this for all that long though. I don't think we had each other's phone numbers until July and any evening/weekend texting probably didn't start until September or so, and it was pretty limited until recently. I'll keep the texting to a minimum and see what he does, as all of the complications are on his side of thing. I know he'll find a way to make it work if he thinks that it can. If it can't, more friends are sure to come along. I really do appreciate the input. It helps to see other people's perspective from outside of the situation.

[whichwayisup]

Being honest - No, I do not have feelings for him, though there probably is some sort of emotional attachment, which is what is making this so hard. Wanting him in my life truly is only for platonic reasons. We get along well, he makes me laugh, and I enjoy the time I spend with him. If he were female and we got along like we do, I don't think I would feel any differently about the situation. His gender has nothing to do with why I want to be friends with him, we just get along so well it seems hard to imagine not being friends.

 

Yes it would be different if he was female, but he isn't and he's married. Apples and oranges...

 

Fact that there is some emotional attachment, that's what is driving you to cling to him. I can see that in the way you post about him. You must emotionally detach from him. Trust me, as time goes on he won't be as important to you as he is now. I say just get busy hanging out with your other friends and put less effort into contacting him.

 

 

You could be right though about work buddies being work buddies and things naturally changing as we have less in common. Outside of things changing to where his wife is ok with us being friends, this would probably be the easiest option for me - things just naturally changing and me not missing having him around.

 

And because he's married and his wife really doesn't approve of you hanging out with him, especially one on one, you must respect that and back off. His wife isn't going to change her mind and it is unfair to even expect or hope for anything different. He's married and most married men do NOT hang out and spend time with single females, let alone ex coworkers. There is a boundary and a line and this guy isn't crossing it. He's OK with texting, that's it. Don't push to get together anymore.

 

Couple more details - I have met his wife at various work functions, but haven't had much conversation with her. He also invited me over Thursday evening when I got back from my out of town job to test out this new betting technique we had come up with earlier in the week. His wife and his friend that was supposed to go with us today were both there. It was pretty awkward as far as his wife was concerned. She kind of just left the 3 of us to do our thing and didn't talk much. That could have gone better and he expressed the same thoughts afterwards, so I do think he wants me to get to know his wife and he said he thinks things would go smoother if her and I knew each other better.

 

If you two push this on her too much, it's going to cause problems. And, he'll for sure choose his wife over you every time, so again, don't get your hopes up. I just HOPE he isn't one of those guys who will start lying to his wife, tell her he's not hanging out with you when he actually is.

Also, he's avoided one on one trips to the casino, but he hasn't fully avoided one on one stuff. We went to a couple football games this season for our alma mater (his wife knew we were going together and was ok with it - why this was different than anything else, I don't fully understand). We've also had lunches together and dinner when we're both out of town on the same job. He was also the first one to throw out the 'work-wife' phrase - I had never heard of the concept until then, but looked it up and it seemed fitting. In his last IM to me before he left he said we had plenty of hanging out left to do, so I'm not sure what kind of sign he's trying to give. It doesn't seem like he's trying to cut everything off by any means.

 

To answer your question - the texting has been daily since he left (outside of today, but it's still early). It hasn't been like this for all that long though. I don't think we had each other's phone numbers until July and any evening/weekend texting probably didn't start until September or so, and it was pretty limited until recently. I'll keep the texting to a minimum and see what he does, as all of the complications are on his side of thing. I know he'll find a way to make it work if he thinks that it can. If it can't, more friends are sure to come along. I really do appreciate the input. It helps to see other people's perspective from outside of the situation.

 

Still think you need to focus less on working this so hard and get busy with your own life, your women friends and push him out of your head. You are too invested in him. Once that baby is born, you'll see less and less of him anyway.

[CC12]

I know you feel that, as far as you're concerned, it's a totally platonic friendship and there's no funny business on your end. But I'll tell you as an outsider that your friendship appears to be borderline inappropriate.

 

You call him your "work husband" (which is absolutely inappropriate and completely disrespectful to his real wife and real marriage - I realize you weren't the one who first called it that, but still.) You want to have private conversations with him that you can't have around other friends. You said, "The issue begins when you introduce his wife into the mix." That was probably poor wording on your part, but you seem to feel that she's imposing on your friendship, and that she's coming between you two and that it's so unfair. I would say that you're the one coming between them, not the other way around.

 

Also I'd like to know how you know that she doesn't completely approve of your friendship. Did he tell you this himself? How did he tell you? Was he like, "Ugh, my wife won't let me hang out with you unless there's someone else there. She's so unreasonable." Or "Oh darn, our third friend backed out, now we can't see each other, isn't it terrible how controlling and bitchy my wife is?" If it's anything like that, he's being a crappy husband by making his wife seem like the bad guy and the unreasonable one in all this. That's not fair to her.