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How Do I Make New Friends


Friendship Having issues with a friend? Get it off your chest!

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Old 16th November 2014, 6:19 PM   #1
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How Do I Make New Friends

I seem unable to have any true friends. Everyone in my life is with me only on their terms. I should be available to them when they need to talk or whatever. Pretty much everyone in my life is not there for me but expects me to be there for them. I'd like to meet new people but I don't know how. My coworkers are mostly younger than me and have small children. My only child is grown and moved out. Any ideas?
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Old 16th November 2014, 6:48 PM   #2
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The best thing is to take up activities you like and keep doing them, whether it's tennis or pool or swimming or a quilting circle. Google your area and look at volunteer activities too and see if there's something you'd enjoy. You don't have to do it often or take up a bunch of time, but that can lead to meeting people as well. Google your town and meetups and I bet you'll find some women's groups or singles groups for your age range and child status. Good luck. Just stay busy. You have to be interesting to keep friends, so staying busy is one way to do that.
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Old 16th November 2014, 8:39 PM   #3
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I think that meeting people through common interests is a good way to start, as it means you have something to talk about right away.
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Old 17th November 2014, 5:59 AM   #4
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Don't worry, most people don't have many true friends. As you get older you realise that people you thought were friends are in fact "mates". People who will ring you up when they want someone to go to the pub with them or whatever. It's fine to have some mates, but it is nice to have a friend or two as well.

Like people here have suggested, get out and pursue some hobbies where you meet people. Go on college courses, join a gym etc. You won't nor should you find friends immediately. It will take time to get to know people and build up rapport. Eventually you will find people with whom you click with. Enjoy the journey!
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Old 17th November 2014, 6:12 AM   #5
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People are not reading the post properly. She's not asking how to meet people.

(I don't know 2bsingle's gender, so I apologise but I'm assuming 'female'):

Quote:
Originally Posted by 2bsingle View Post
I seem unable to have any true friends. Everyone in my life is with me only on their terms. I should be available to them when they need to talk or whatever. Pretty much everyone in my life is not there for me but expects me to be there for them. I'd like to meet new people but I don't know how. My coworkers are mostly younger than me and have small children. My only child is grown and moved out. Any ideas?
2bsingle doesn't have problems having people in her life....

She has a problem with meeting the right people; people who won't walk all over her, treat her like a convenient leaning post and use and abuse her kindness and willingness to help.
What she would like is reciprocal friendships.

I'm sorry 2bsingle, but you're going to have to toughen up, and learn the personal value of the word 'no'.
There's a famous phrase coined, I believe, by a very publicly famous 'counsellor' (Dr. Phil McGraw):

"You teach people how to treat you".

if people are abusing your friendship, it's because something from you is signalling that they can.
I'm sure they're not deliberately singling you out for this treatment, and doing it on purpose.
But they can't see your boundaries, and they're not getting anything from you, to tell them it's unacceptable.
In order to meet different attitudes, you have to develop a different attitude.
You're too giving, too open, too accepting.
You need to toughen up a bit, and turn people's problems back on them, or get them to take some responsibility themselves for what they do in their lives, instead of using you to conveniently offload on....

How do you think you can start doing that..?
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Old 17th November 2014, 8:29 AM   #6
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You can also volunteer somewhere doing something you are passionate about. But I do agree that you need to toughen up, say No once in a while & reach out when you need help.
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Old 18th November 2014, 5:25 AM   #7
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I don't want to be a jerk, but if there's one thing I've learn in life is that being too nice and too available can bite you in the butt. I know we were taught to be nice to everyone and to help everyone when we can, and that in theory, people will feel grateful and help us if we are ever in need, right?

WRONG!

Instead, the people we helped will usually (not always) take it as a sign that:
a) You are trying to impress them so they feel they have the power over you
b) It is YOUR duty to help them, so they'll just take advantage of it.
c) You want something from them, so they feel like your helpfulness isn't genuine so they don't have to return it.

I'm not saying to be a jerk to everyone, sure you can be nice and helpful, but don't be too helpful or too nice. It's okay to say no.
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Old 18th November 2014, 4:12 PM   #8
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Quote:
Originally Posted by 2bsingle View Post
I seem unable to have any true friends.Any ideas?
You sure you got friends? I was there years back and it sure sounds very similar to what I went through. But it wasn't their fault. It was really my own doing. I was really bothered with friends I had. Disappointed many a times. Lots of them but whenever I needed their help or just be there if something crazy happens...nothing. It was always me being there for them.

I realised what I did. I compromised my values, was too nice, just said Yes, Yes to everything and well, wasn't good for my life.

So, I sat down, thinking what my values are, what I believe is important to me, what I won't compromise, what I want in a friend; and what I'd like them to know about me.

Then, I sorted myself out. Got tough with myself not on people but myself to learn to say no. Made sure folks knew my values respectfully, by acting towards what I believed is important to me.

And started all over again..

Hammered it in our city. Volunteered, joined activities, but this time, I behaved towards what I believed is important to me, and made sure people around me knew the line to not cross.

Worked. Got great friends now. Awesome friends which I would take advantage of as I have been there and knows what it feels like.
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Old 20th November 2014, 5:10 AM   #9
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Maybe you should know them first and if you feel you like them and if you want to give your trust for them.
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