Have I been Angry At The Wrong Person?

[MiltonKeynes0202]

For a long time, I lost a lot of confidence and found it difficult to socialise in pubs, etc. So basically I became a bit recluse. My friends still bothered with me, say to ask me 'round their houses, but the invites out, out soon stopped.Thankfully, this year I went out and met some really nice people in the pub and it gave me my confidence back. I have since been able to socialise really easily again. Now.. I have two good friends, one is actually my best friend and the other is what I consider a close life-long friend. I saw less and less of my best friend, who seemed to prefer socialising with my close friend. But saw my close friend on a somewhat, in comparison, regular basis. She mentioned that a big gang of them went out and told me that it was her other friends idea and my best friend had gone too. A bit stumped by that, because her other friend is always such a nice Girl and is always asking after me, so thought that she would have included me? Well, after I regained my confidence I started turning up on a social occasions, (when invited). But my best friend was never there, so I figured she was angry with me and just got on with my life. I also figured that my best friend might be the one controlling if I'm invited out to places. As close friend would make comments that best friend had made about me, which weren't very nice. But close friend remarked that I had a new regained confidence and I remarked back, that I wouldn't mind socialising with them all, like old times. And before we parted company, the last time I saw her she joked: 'So I'll see you next year, then?' I laughed but reiterated that I did mean it, that I promised to be more social. And that was the last time I saw her. Although she would sometimes call and she'd always be mentioning that she had been out and about with my best friend and although I would sometimes feel a little hurt and left out, I was always pleasant about it. And put it down to the fact that they both have small children, so it is nice that they get along, I mean it was me that introduced them, after all. Well close friend calls me last month and says she's having a get together and would I like to go? Best friend would be there too. Which was fine by me, because we hadn't actually fell out to my knowledge. BUT? I had already made plans with another friend and close friend had called to ask me to come 'round just two days before. So I apologised and turned down her kind invite but said to her that if she had another soon, not to forget me! And she joked: 'I won't invite you again!' I also said to her: 'Do bear in mind that I work on Sundays, so Fridays ARE preferable to me, but I do understand and don't expect you to arrange it 'round me'. I have told her this on countless occasions.

Well, tonight, I am out in a bar and who walks in but my best friend. I immediately feel a bit uptight, but she threw her arms around me and was absolutely fine with me. We haven't seen each other for a year. So her Husband, Her, my other Friend and I, sit there all night laughing and having fun just like old times. And she said things that got me thinking....she said at one point: 'Oh I wish you'd come out with us more!' I was confused by this, as close friend KNOWS I like going out now. It was like my best friend had no clue that I'd changed and was back into going out. And she also said about the night that the big gang of them went out: 'Why couldn't you come that night'? She asked. Totally and seemingly unaware that I wasn't even asked. And she also told me that close friend is having Birthday celebrations in a near by City...it seems close friend has forgotten my invitation. And best friend must be thinking that I haven't been invited because I would say no. Because she was very open about it and I felt she wasn't bragging, but just mentioning it in a 'come on, you're missing out on all this'! Way. Trying to encourage me. And before I left my best friend kissed my cheek and made me promise to see her again as soon as I could. Before I went, I mentioned that if they had a get together on a Saturday, that I couldn't come. And my best friend seemed a bit shocked at this, like it was the first time she'd heard about it. 'I DO keep telling(close friend)!' I said. And best friends husband remarked that she DOES seem to arrange the get togethers on a Saturday night, 'these days'. I think a penny might have dropped at that point for us all! I walked out saying to my other friend that I was confused, that it seemed that my best friend had seemed oblivious to everything and she thought that I was annoyed with HER! Now I'm thinking there's a snake in the grass? A relation of close friends', warned me once that she stirs the pot. I'm thinking this is what might have been going on, all along. Almost like we were being kept from one another and that we both imagined that I had fallen out with one another, because it was effectively planted in our heads. I mean, if my best friend HAD said some terrible things about me? Why tell me anyway? All she would do is upset me and show disloyalty to my best friend, Was that the idea? Sorry about boring you stupid, dear reader, but I'd love some of your input! Thanks in advance!

[whichwayisup]

It seems there's a lot of assuming and things taken out of context going on and not real communication, explaining why you felt the way you did from the get go. Their lives went on and did they ever come by and BE a friend to you, hang out with you and find out why you became anti social? Did you ever discuss the problems that may have been going on? Just seems superficial, bar scene, parties but not one on one hanging out and having girl time without others included.

 

Invite the two women over, have an honest talk with them and see how it goes.

[MiltonKeynes0202]

Thanks for your reply. Yes, I'm afraid that these days the only socialising that we do IS centred around pubs and bars. It never used to be that way, but what with other commitments it seems to have ended up this way.

And I agree with you about why they never asked me WHY I had become anti-social. Another friend pointed this out to me last year. That friend has become quite a good friend, thanks to her support and sensitivity, so I will be prioritising my time to her, if anything clashes.

Yes, I have thought about it and did think to myself, that I need to talk to them both to try to resolve this. As you're right, there is much assuming and a huge lack of actual communication.

Thank you very much for taking the time to read and advise me, it is very much appreciated!

[Toodaloo]

Seems as though people have got out of the habit of inviting you as they knew you were uncomfortable so your just going to have to be a bit more proactive and get in there.

 

I don't think this means anything other than I have missed you and I am really pleased to see you.

[MCGar]

You will never really know. Quite frankly even though it looks like you want to be upset at a possible wolf in sheep's clothing; I think you should just learn from this. You keep on talking about your BF, but in my book, I CALL up my BF to see what's up. If I wasn't ready to confront BF, then I'd just call that person up to hang out once I was ready to go out.

From how you describe things, you are the one that is expecting all the invites. Why not do the inviting, especially if you have only certain nights you can go out?

 

If I were in this situation, the read I would get on this is that BF might have said those bad things because she was upset and maybe that colored how other friend felt about you? Maybe other friend doesn't feel like inviting you to each and every single event because it seems one sided by now?

 

I'm just trying to advise that you think carefully on your own actions before you start another hidden resentment of someone because you think they might have been playing keep-away with you.