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The "I only hang out when I want to friend."


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I'm new here and this is my 2nd thread already so I hope it's ok

 

 

Anyone have a friend, or friends, that are never available unless THEY call you.

 

 

It's SLOWLY happened to me within the last few years. It seems like whenever I call them they are busy, or don't respond till the next day. Now I am single, and they are not, so I try to understand and I don't want cramp their style. I want them to live their lives.

 

 

But I noticed it's been ridiculous. I've brought it up to the both of them, and they deny it. But whenever I make contact to do something they are never available. So I just live my life, which sometimes is lonely, try to make it better for myself, and wait for their calls. And if I am available then I'll hang. But I can go a month without seeing or hearing from anyone. And when I make the effort it's like pulling teeth for a response.

 

 

It kind makes me bitter because when they are in need I'm there. I joke with them that I would have an easier time getting in touch with the president. These are friends I've had for about 10 years. This situation as slowly developed within the last 2 years.

 

 

I try to understand, but with one of them I noticed he gets a little testy if I'm not available, and I don't think that is fair. While I am frustrated, I don't make anyone feel guilty. Just as long as when I am no longer single, or God forbid have others plans, I don't get crap from them.

 

 

I can't help but feel an unfairness to it all. I've learned to focus on myself in life. It's ok. Find someone special and make that a priority. It's what everyone else seems to do.

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I'm in my early 20s and have already noticed this type ofbehavour in friendship groups.

 

I want to yell at them and say "use these years for yourself! make friends! get to know yourself! One day you'll meet someone, settle down and spend the rest of your life with them, so make the most of these years to do something different that share it with your SO"

 

However people are going to make their own choices nomatter what.

 

I coped by learning to do stuff by myself, and learning to enjoy my own company. You say you think you need to find a special person to focus on - make YOURSELF that special person.

 

I went and visited places I always wanted to - I went on day trips to places of interest.

 

It was great, I could do exactly what I wanted, when I wanted to.If I wanted to rush through a particular thing, I could. If I felt tired, I could sit down etc. etc.

 

When my friends "abandoned" me, the opportunity it gave me to "find" myself has been very rewarding. I have gained so much confidence from it.

 

I think many people are scared of loneliness (because it is horrible) and so rush into relationships with someone to avoid it at all costs.

 

But spending time by yourself can actually demonstrate how being alone is not lonely, and being surrounded by people or with a partner, definitely does not safeguard you against it. How much time you will enjoy spending by yourself will largely be dictated by your personality type.

 

With your friends, I would stop bringing your annoyance up with them - you've told them already, no point going on about it because it may just result it them avoiding you for the purpose of avoiding being nagged at.

 

If they have a go at you for being unavailable, gently highlight their own inadequacies in this area and lightly brush it off.

 

In short - get on with your own life and focus on yourself. If these friends are true friends, they will make an effort to maintain the friendship.

 

You can say "but these are people i've known for 10+ years" but friendship can't be maintained by one person. It's not something you have control over.

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Oh yes, sure, I have friends like this.

 

I also have something I call "utility friends", people who call me so I can function as their sounding board when times are tough or they received good news.

They dont call just to check-in / shoot the **** but only when I can serve as support or an audience.

Do you know the type?

 

My solution was to get more friends.

And the other ones, I silently and subtly moves to the outer circles.

No hard feelings. I still take their calls--but I limit how many and often based on what works for me.

My expectations are lowered.

I accept their idea of friendship but for my inner circle, aligned myself more with the "ride or die" type. ;) I take their calls any time and they do mine.

 

Life can get busy sure, but Im not certain returning a phone call is too much to ask from your friends. If their calendars are simply chock full *shrug* What can you do.

With two, we schedule get-togethers a month in advance. At the end of our date, we schedule the next one bedore parting ways.

There are ways to work with busy lives--it just takes two.

So, yes, I hear you. I get the disappointment.

 

I say branch out. Nothing like a wide circle of friends. :)

Edited by cerridwen
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I see. Making more friends is key I think. A must.

 

Yes, since you've already talked to them.

They don't see it the same way you do so there's not much to discuss.

They have their family commitments which can take up a lot of time.

Find more single friends whose schedules are more flexible.

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I'm in the opposite situation. Im a newlywed with a young child. My friends have dumped me. My two closest friends- one moved interstate and one dumped me by Facebook because I wasn't available when I was seriously ill while pregnant.

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I'm in the opposite situation. Im a newlywed with a young child. My friends have dumped me. My two closest friends- one moved interstate and one dumped me by Facebook because I wasn't available when I was seriously ill while pregnant. I'm fed up with trying to reconnect with other friends, while they are still friends with others from our old group.
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