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Losing Respect for a Friend


mercuryshadow

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mercuryshadow

I have only a few close girlfriends. One of them, whom I've known for many years was actually, at one time, engaged to my son's father, and cared for my son dearly. Even after their relationship ended, I kept in touch, and we became friends. She is still very good to my son.

 

She has had her fair share of bad relationships and more recently got out of a LTR with a not so great guy. We have gotten together a handful of times since then, and I was pretty shocked to hear her tell of "hooking up" with a married male friend of hers. I've met the guy and thought he was a slime ball (I told her this). She claims she didn't know he was married, but only that he had two children with a woman he's been with for a while. She apparently only later found out that he was indeed married.

 

She talks about this almost every time I see her and I try my hardest not to judge her, but she seemingly has no regret, and is only upset at the fact that he is married. I really can't stand hearing it anymore. I honestly thought she had a better moral compass than that. She's actually in a new relationship now, and her social media is now laden with midnight selfies of her and her man under the blankets in bed. Again, to me...not in good taste.

 

This past weekend, she asked to have a girls' night out at dance club. It was not really my kind of club but I agreed to go because we were supposed to be celebrating my and our other mutual friend's belated birthdays. I agreed, but told my friend I was very low on funds this month due circumstances beyond my control. She had planned to buy me some birthday drinks that night, so I figured I'd be fine in regards to not having to spend. When I got there, she did not hold true to her word and I ended up buying drinks for myself, while she bought for our other friend. I ended up feeling pretty duped and left around midnight. Considering that I've always done a lot for this girl, this kind of hurt and was the icing on the cake, in some regard. For her birthday, I really went out of my way. Not that I expected some sort of equal reciprocity, but in this case, I don't even feel as though she showed me basic consideration.

 

I am rethinking this friendship for these and other more minor reasons. I don't want to be hasty or judgmental, but how could I even proceed in a friendship when I've lost a good amount of respect for her? Should I bother being honest?

Edited by mercuryshadow
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I am rethinking this friendship for these and other more minor reasons. I don't want to be hasty or judgmental, but how could I even proceed in a friendship when I've lost a good amount of respect for her?

 

Maybe it's just a phase she's going through since ending her bad LTR? If nothing else, I would back off from the friendship for a while, since she's bothering you.

 

Should I bother being honest?

 

That's a tough one. I would say no. Almost no one would be responsive to hearing, "I think your morals are all ****ed up and you're being trashy" even if you were to able to somehow put it nicely. Her response would likely be something along the lines of, "Oh, you think you're sooo much better than me, huh?"

 

And as for the birthday drinks thing, you have good reasons for feeling the way you do about it, but there's no way to bring that up without coming off as petty. So I would just pull a slow fade and maybe reconsider being friends again if she ever stops acting a fool.

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She values her bad relationships and her other friends more than you and makes promises she doesn't keep.

 

You don't really have to say a word, but from the sound of it, I don't think your friend is really your friend at this point. I'd back off for a bit, see if she comes around.

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mercuryshadow

I believe both of you are right. In regards to her recklessness, I've cut her some slack because I thought it was just a phase after her last break up. I've been there before, in some way, so I shouldn't judge.

 

But in terms of not being considerate of me while I'm under financial constraints, I'm still feeling hurt. She was in my position not too long ago when she was laid off. When we would hang out, I'd make dinner in or make sure what we did was low/no cost. If it was, I'd pay her way. I'm generous by nature and don't do things looking for anything in return. In regards to this instance as well as a few others as of late, not being shown basic courtesy has me feeling a bit sour.

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