My suspicions were right

[Paranoi7]

Tonight I found out that my so called best friend that Ive known since 13 (I'm 24 now) has been going behind my back with the girl I really like. This girl was also a friend of mine. They both knew I had feelings for her. They both have sworn to me that theres nothing going on between them at all.

 

But tonight, my red flags were raised so high that I did a horrible thing. I know its horrible please dont judge me...

 

I ended up logging onto his facebook and I read messages between them two. Alot of it was sexual and some of it was saying mean things about me.

 

Im at a loss. He told me I had nothing to worry about and that there was nothing not even flirtyness between them. Even though shes not my girl I feel betrayed by both of them

[lyndaaxo]

You need to talk to them, and allow them to be honest with you without fear of hurting your feelings. I believe friend's love interests should be off limits, but some people don't, you were never together so they probably see it as just sparing your feelings by not being open about it.

 

Talk to them and take it from there, but I'd try to move on from this girl!

[amkxoxo]

I can totally relate to your situation right now. I am a woman and I ended up falling for a guy who my friend briefly dated years ago. He broke up with her after a few months not liking her a ton. He and I really hit it off. Since he and I were very early in dating I didn't feel the need to tell my friend(his ex) about us yet, but planned to. My roommate went behind my back and told that girl everything and they trash talked me and spread lies about me behind my back. I had other friends telling me the nasty things they were saying. I would understand if she and he dated for years and I started dating him, I would be mad myself, but they dated for maybe 3 months. And they had both been in other relationships since. The ex, obviously had jealousy issues and feelings for him since her and my roommate, whom I trusted, conspired with her negatively about me. Me who barely ever dates and gets with men. He and I were so great together, better than him and my friend were ever.

 

 

Sometimes people you thought you trusted, even your closest friends will turn on you. Out of jealousy mostly. I am so sorry you are going through this. I know more than anything how it feels. I felt like I couldn't trust my friends anymore. I still have severe trust issues with friends. I am going to give you advice. Please listen to me. Forget about that girl and move on. She had to have had an inkling you liked her and she has little respect for you. She doesn't care. And your friend have even less respect for you. One. A real friend wouldn't have dated a girl you liked. Second, If he wanted to date her he could have come to you and been honest telling you he liked her and she liked him and how he didn't want to hurt you. Them lying and sneaking. Trash talking you. That is not right and you shouldn't have to be around that. Even if they apologize you never know if they will be loyal to you ever. I doubt it.

 

 

Go out. Be the best looking, happiest guy around. Make new friends. Be confident. Open yourself up to new people. Avoid them. They can lay in their negative pool of sexual comments and lies. You deserve better. Someone better. A better life. Move on. Its going to be hard. I know. I cried a lot and was upset inside. But fake it until you make it. Pretend to be happy and happiness follows over time.

[preraph]

I am so sorry. I know this is a huge hit for you. Your best friend is no longer your best friend, and you'll have to move on from the girl. So it's a double loss. I have had to dump best friend and bf before as well and it destroyed my trust in people. But it's true that not everyone would do that to someone. I don't know your age, but if you're still young, like teens or 20s, your friend may mature out of this. It's common to get into a bunch of bad soap operas when college age and younger.

 

Meanwhile, you can't really continue a relationship with your friend or he will continue to betray you. If he knows you know this and still put up with him, he will do even worse things. I know it's bad, but I really think you should just not even tell him what is going on and just block both of them every way and refuse to talk to them. He doesn't have to know how you know. Let him wonder if some friend of his confided this to you that he told or let him worry if she could have told you something. By walking away cold and blocking them both from seeing anything you do going forward, you put it back on them because they know you know but they don't know how you know.

 

And please remember, going public or to mutual friends won't serve you well. They may get tired of hearing about it and feel you're forcing them to choose. Let it go and see if anyone asks you about it, which would mean they heard it from him. And that way you know who's talking to who and who knew and everything and you're not the one who's putting them in the middle about it, he will be if that happens.

 

And as far as walking away with your dignity intact, if you do it in this way, and continue to make yourself go out with friends and have fun (quietly decline invitations he may be present for awhile) and be seen to be having fun. Living well and being happy is always the best revenge. If you remain bitter past just the initial shock of all this, they win. Don't let them win. You keep on living your life and making a good life for yourself.

 

When my bad thing happened, I had guys come out of the wall after hearing about it and keeping me company. Now, you can't always expect that to happen but we had a close but pretty large circle of friends. Also, by an act of God or whatever, I met my new best friend the same day that that happened. She came up to me and simply said she wanted to be friends with me. So don't lose hope. But you have to stay out there doing things to bring new good things to you. I wouldn't have gotten my new best friend by sitting in my apartment mourning.

[amkxoxo]

I totally agree with the above. I wouldn't confront him or tell him you know. I would just start avoiding him and the girl. Leave them in the dust. Go on with your life. If they confront you or the guy does about not being friends anymore, tell him you know what he said about you, but not how. You will look horrible for facebook snooping. If he asks how tell him it doesn't matter. Don't give away too much. Simple is better. He may try to deflect onto other issues or other people, don't let him, this is between you and him and its about him being a bad friend. Even if he begs for your friendship back, he is not someone trustworthy. I wouldn't even let him back in. If he doesn't confront you at all, avoid him, act busy, make new friends, reconnect with others, and if he tries to text you or act like nothings wrong, ignore him. Its sad he did this to you. I'm sad my roommate used what she saw and told my friend who was also my boyfriends ex. I trusted my roommate to be on my side, but as soon as she had drama to share she opened her big mouth. I think things would have gone a lot better if I had spoken to my friend (his ex) the first time about it, but I didn't get the chance. My roommate spilled the beans and then the girl got mad at me and then they both started dissing me. These people aren't worth your time or energy. They clearly have nothing better to do and no real true friend who care for you will do this. They would want to make things right and be open and honest with you. They wont jump to conclusions without talking to you. That girl is not better. You don't want a girl who likes your friend, nor a girl who talks negatively about you. Again, not worth it. A nice girl will like you or you. And wont be talking to your friend behind your back.

[mammasita]

Ditch them both. I wouldn't even give them an explanation. They know what they're doing and you have the proof. You don't need friends like that.

[lollipopspot]

has been going behind my back with the girl I really like.

 

Hey, you don't own her and you weren't in a relationship with her. Them getting together is NOT what I'd be upset about. They had a connection with each other, she wasn't as into you. That's the way it goes.

 

What I WOULD be upset about though is that they said "mean things" about you. What did they say about you? What they said about you behind your back is what I would judge the friendships by, not the other.

[Ronni_W]

Even though shes not my girl I feel betrayed by both of them

Yes...you were betrayed by both of them. She's not your girl but she did claim to be your friend.

 

If you do feel any need - for your own sense of self, dignity, respect - to tell one or both of them, then do that...but ONLY for your own sense of self-respect, self-confidence, integrity; to stand up, speak out for and feel good about yourself. Don't do it JUST to let them know that you know.

 

It sucks, most surely. If you possible can, do NOT try to find reasons, excuses or justifications to still be friends with these two...they are untrustworthy, liars and have stabbed you in the back with not only their betrayal but also gossiping about you. They have already proven to be not worthy or deserving of YOUR friendship, trust, loyalty.

 

It does suck, huge. Hugs.

[Paranoi7]

I can't stop crying and Ive had no sleep over this. Im still in so much shock. Makes me feel not good enough to be cared about considering my own best friend can so easily turn on me like this

[Ronni_W]

Makes me feel not good enough to be cared about considering my own best friend can so easily turn on me like this

He did this because there is something "faulty" with him, NOT with you. What he did is ONLY a reflection on him; NOT any reflection on who you are as a person, what you stand for or what you deserve.

 

HE is not in charge of your own worthiness, self-respect, self-esteem. Do NOT give away your power and authority over those things...especially NOT to someone like him!

 

Yes, cry and grieve...but then pick yourself up and dust yourself off. Because you are a free, self-powering, self-empowered human being. Do NOT tell yourself or act like you are anything else.

[Paranoi7]

I havent stopped vomiting all day the thought of all this has made me so sick. I feel like killing myself. Cant handle it

[Mysterio]

Distance yourself from them. Don't do the soap opera at all. Nothing good will come of it. I think its easier that way. Journal to yourself. It will make you feel better. Confronting them. Things may escalate. Thats why I think that too much violence and strife could be avoided if you don't confront them.

 

Its not like you are married to the girl and have kids with her. Your buddy is not breaking up a family.

 

You don't need the stress of confirmation. Just fade out of their lives. Find a hobby and concentrate on the friends that are your real friends.

[Paranoi7]

Distance yourself from them. Don't do the soap opera at all. Nothing good will come of it. I think its easier that way. Journal to yourself. It will make you feel better. Confronting them. Things may escalate. Thats why I think that too much violence and strife could be avoided if you don't confront them.

 

Its not like you are married to the girl and have kids with her. Your buddy is not breaking up a family.

 

You don't need the stress of confirmation. Just fade out of their lives. Find a hobby and concentrate on the friends that are your real friends.

 

I thought of him as a brother, i thought of him as family. This is a family break up in some sense. Will i ever be able to trust again? My trusting levels are at 0% now

[amkxoxo]

I totally felt what you felt. I felt.betrayed, sick, and horrible. I thought of my roommate as someone I trusted. It got to the point where I started locking my door because the distrust and betrayal I felt ran so deep emotionally that I felt I couldn't trust her around anything. This is all normal. If you do need to confront them do it. I confronted my roommate. Nothing changed she even talked about me more after. And she continues to deny talking about me at all even when I told her I had proof. She claimed to not know what I was talking about. Lies. Don't expect them to tell you the truth since they lied all this time. You may not get the closure from them you seek. Don't expect it. Closure sometimes has to come from you moving on. I never got closure but at least I felt proud I knew the truth. I started making new friends and I even told such new friends how my roommate wronged me. I tried to do it in the least dramatic way so they would not think I was dramatic butni told people the truth about her and many people avoided her because of such.

[Paranoi7]

I totally felt what you felt. I felt.betrayed, sick, and horrible. I thought of my roommate as someone I trusted. It got to the point where I started locking my door because the distrust and betrayal I felt ran so deep emotionally that I felt I couldn't trust her around anything. This is all normal. If you do need to confront them do it. I confronted my roommate. Nothing changed she even talked about me more after. And she continues to deny talking about me at all even when I told her I had proof. She claimed to not know what I was talking about. Lies. Don't expect them to tell you the truth since they lied all this time. You may not get the closure from them you seek. Don't expect it. Closure sometimes has to come from you moving on. I never got closure but at least I felt proud I knew the truth. I started making new friends and I even told such new friends how my roommate wronged me. I tried to do it in the least dramatic way so they would not think I was dramatic butni told people the truth about her and many people avoided her because of such.

 

Its so awful, im sorry you went through that and im sorry this has happened to us. Maybe there is no point in confrontation if they can lie so easy and deny so easy then whats the point? What is the point of life even. I know that i could never do this to a friend. Not even an acquaintance let alone someone i thought was my bestfriend. I liked her so much and now shes doing all the things i wish she did with me, with him. I feel fooled big time

[amkxoxo]

I truly know how you feel. Some mornings I didn't want to wake up and face the pain. But time heals. I'm telling you life is worth it. I have so many good things going for me I can only go up from here. That girl isn't worth it. Even if she changed her mind tomorrow and ran to you, remember she did stuff with your friend. You don't want her. She is used and she didn't care. What really keeps me going. Think of it this way. They don't care. You shouldn't care. Its hard but true. They don't care for you or your feelings. If they do this to you they wont care about you feelings ever. Be done with them. I understand your pain. Some people criticized me for dating someone my friend dated, but truly I didn't do anything wrong in the situation and the way I was treated and betrayed by people I trusted was horrible. You are not alone. Its apart of life. People make friend and lose them a lot. It hurts to lose someone you had in your life in so long. But others will come. I have gotten close to other girls and made better friends. I now confide in them and trust them and they haven't hurt me and I don't think they will. Find friends who are more trustworthy and have similar values as you. Someone who will never steal a girl from you.

[Paranoi7]

I truly know how you feel. Some mornings I didn't want to wake up and face the pain. But time heals. I'm telling you life is worth it. I have so many good things going for me I can only go up from here. That girl isn't worth it. Even if she changed her mind tomorrow and ran to you, remember she did stuff with your friend. You don't want her. She is used and she didn't care. What really keeps me going. Think of it this way. They don't care. You shouldn't care. Its hard but true. They don't care for you or your feelings. If they do this to you they wont care about you feelings ever. Be done with them. I understand your pain. Some people criticized me for dating someone my friend dated, but truly I didn't do anything wrong in the situation and the way I was treated and betrayed by people I trusted was horrible. You are not alone. Its apart of life. People make friend and lose them a lot. It hurts to lose someone you had in your life in so long. But others will come. I have gotten close to other girls and made better friends. I now confide in them and trust them and they haven't hurt me and I don't think they will. Find friends who are more trustworthy and have similar values as you. Someone who will never steal a girl from you.

 

This is so hard. It shouldnt need to be like this. He was the least person Id think to do this to me. As for you, Im glad you better yourself and survived through it. Maybe in time your roommate and my so called friends will figure out their wrong doings.

[Mysterio]

Paronoi17. I still urge you to let go. I feel like you are to sparked by this. I think that you should just do the fade. Its the slick thing to do. If she was your GF then I could see a confrontation. Why not just let them be together. If you have to confront them for your soul. Make sure you do some major excecise to calm yourself. Otherwise its going to be a soap opera.

 

I would hate for you to wind your self up over this. A part of this pain is age as well. You are 24 and I am 43, so just due to my life experience. I am more in a calmer state of mind. Your still young. I remember I was in a similar situation when I was 24, except there was no Facebook message. A girl I was trying to date was still hung up on her ex. It did put me into a little mini depression. I snapped out of it as I did not want it to define me.

 

I feel a lot of this love stuff is learning experience. So wash your hands from them. Let them be together. Its not like you can't be with someone else. Let them chase after you for friendship. Tell them that they should date. It make you look more super cool than you really are. Take the rest of the year off from dating and love and let it come to you. Or if yo want to do a dating service. Start in Jan. I personally believe in a lot of prayer will do the trick.

Edited October 20, 2014 by Mysterio

[amkxoxo]

I sadly agree agree with most of the others in maybe confrontation isn't the beat thing. My situation was a bit different as I was living with my roommate who wronged me and we were Ctinf as if nothing was wrong. I needed the confrontation. In your case moving on is key. In do hope one day they realize their wrong doings. At the end of the day I proved my loyalty to a lot of our mutual friends and won them over. While my roommates only friend was the girl she conspired with. Good luck to her because that girl only needed her to get the details between me and her ex. My roommate spread many rumors to our friends and I hope I proved them all wrong. You move on, make new friends, and prove them wrong. Your ex friend may realize the error of his ways when he is alone and that girl leaves him and he doesn't have you and by then you will be long gone and happy. I made some mistakes and I regret them. I was way too obsessed with the guy I was dating. But the way I was treated was wrong nonetheless. Don't feel that you did anything. Don't feel guilty. You did everything right.

[Paranoi7]

@Mysterio

 

Its not fair that i should be the one to just give in and let them. Why should i be the one to back off when theyre the ones that should have respected me in the first place instead of going behind my back.

 

 

@Christinee

 

When i told her i had feelings for her, she said she didnt feel the same. But we remained friends anyway and over time I thought she was starting to like me. Because at first I had no attraction to her so i thought it could have been possible. And also I saw my friend, confronted him, he told me he didnt think anything bad of the conversation. He said he thought of it as flirting and thats it. Hes not angry at me going through his fb. He also said that they were only bitching about me because they needed to vent with the way iv been acting lately i.e. jealous and paranoid. He showed me msgs of how worried the both of them are for me. So i still am unsure what to think, do, make of this

 

 

@amkxoxo

 

I ended up confronting because me and my friend wanted to meet up to talk about everything. At the time when we were talking he sounded genuine that these msgs were just flirtation and nothing serious. But when i think about it over and over my head it still just hurts even if it was just flirting. Im just still at a loss as to what to believe. He says that iv been acting crazy lately bcuz of my jealousy. And that she feels pissed off, annoyed, smothered by me little bit bcuz of the way i acted on jealousy.

[amkxoxo]

Now that you have gotten past the confrontation its time to move on. I wouldn't trust them ever again no matter how genuine he sounded. He knew you liked her so why would he even initiate innocent flirting. Especially in secret. He didn't care about you. He doesn't. I wouldn't guest someone like this with secrets at all. And it seems to me they are deflecting on you being crazy as the issue when they are probably more embarrassed and mad you found out about what they said and did. They are trying to cover it up with other things. Like I said it isn't about you it is about what they did and said. I wouldn't give him a genuine second chance and she sounds like a dimwit. Lose them both. Trust me, some days I wish things never transpired between mg roommate and my friend over a man. But then I think that even if it didn't happen I would still be friends with idiot losers who talk behind my back and I would have never known about it. No regrets.

[NJ123]

Now that you have gotten past the confrontation its time to move on. I wouldn't trust them ever again no matter how genuine he sounded. He knew you liked her so why would he even initiate innocent flirting. Especially in secret. He didn't care about you. He doesn't. I wouldn't guest someone like this with secrets at all. And it seems to me they are deflecting on you being crazy as the issue when they are probably more embarrassed and mad you found out about what they said and did. They are trying to cover it up with other things. Like I said it isn't about you it is about what they did and said. I wouldn't give him a genuine second chance and she sounds like a dimwit. Lose them both. Trust me, some days I wish things never transpired between mg roommate and my friend over a man. But then I think that even if it didn't happen I would still be friends with idiot losers who talk behind my back and I would have never known about it. No regrets.

 

This. If they were initiating flirting like that, than something else is likely going on. And who else knows what else he'd do behind your back.

[LuckyLady13]

Paranoi, she's just one girl. There's millions...actually billions more women out there. I'm going to tell you something though. I've seen this especially with guys. Your best friend in the whole world can be the coolest person up until the moment you both like the same woman. Then, all bets are suddenly off.

 

I've seen this so many times in my life I can't possibly count them. You're going to feel burned again by some friends in the future. It's going to happen. It's a rare individual who will respect you the same way you say you respect other people. You sound like the type to find out your best friend is in love with someone you're interested in and you'd just back off out of respect. That's great! Finding other people who are like that too isn't going to be easy.

 

Yes, you can trust again but only certain people who you've seen in some way or another are more like you in the respect area of your lives. The proof is in the pudding. Don't trust them until they give you a reason to!

 

I'm sorry this happened to you. I know even if everyone here has very encouraging words for you, this hurts so much it's hard to even comprehend right now what people are saying.

 

Things like this situation are going to happen to you again in the future but people that do stuff like this make you really appreciate the people who wouldn't.

 

She really is one person in a long list of women you're going to fall for in your lifetime...

[preraph]

I know exactly how you're feeling. It's not something you get over right away, but the sooner you take definitive action the sooner you will begin to move forward. I made myself wait 6 weeks before kicking my betraying friend out to be sure I had plenty of time to think about it and let other people weigh in and she kept messing with me during that time, getting my black book and calling other guys I knew for sympathy, and that was the last straw. That made me really mad because it was so deliberate and like she was just trying to steal all my male friends. And they all but one told her where to stick it and then I had to have a fight with the one who didn't, so it was just one thing after another.

 

I stayed drunk a lot during those weeks and tried not to be home or look at her when it could be avoided. Then at the end of the six weeks, I took action, rented another apartment, went and had the big showdown with her and kicked her out. She pretty much admitted she was trying to just step into my shoes. I really had no idea she felt that way. I'd known her since middle school. But it didn't matter. After I had her confession, I told her something like "We're toxic for each other and can't be friends anymore."

 

And just a note of encouragement. The day I moved into my new place, and got my stereo set up and furniture in place and collapsed in front of the speakers, I felt a huge weight off of me. It was a trust breach that will always affect me, but I knew I was about to get back to being at peace as much as possible and would now be able to do it without her around.

 

But I do not recommend you do that waiting period. I did it partly because I was in such a rage that I was afraid I'd really hurt her if I had to have the talk. But I wish I'd had maybe a couple of friends deliver the news and get her out of my house immediately.

[livingnightmare]

OP I'm sorry this has happened to you.

 

I know this situation is real to you and your feelings, and I am not doubting what you are feeling, but you must let this go.

 

But please take a look in the divorce, break-up, coping sections of this forum.

 

You must stop over thinking, you are working yourself up, I done the same when the mother of my child of a 6 year relationship started cheating on me and left me to sleep with random strangers, rubbing it in my face purpose to hurt me, and it did deeply, on top of it my so called friends abandoned me.

 

I took years to heal, of with I only feel that now I am truly healed after 7 years.

 

I will tell you why I took so long to heal, because I played the story over in my mind, again and again, the what ifs, the buts, played them out different, tormented my self day in and night for years!

 

I done this to myself, I played the poor me innocent victim, feeling sorry for myself, making excuses to myself of why it is in my head, how my story was this special story.

 

It was all in my mind, it was real, but I held myself there.

 

You can't change a thing of what has happened no matter how many times you replay it to yourself reminding and provoking the same feelings to make your mind go round and round in circles, you got to break what you are doing to yourself, because you will be there for a good while, you will get yourself into trouble, and you will not change a thing.

 

Its up to you to get off the misery go round that you are on in your mind.

 

Ask yourself these questions.

 

1) Can I change anything that has happened? No

 

2) Do I want to feel happy and not give a sh*t about them and never have to feel any emotion about this situation that I know can not be changed.

 

Yes

 

3) Then why am I going over and over something that can not be changed?

 

4) Why am I not in the coping section of this forum learning how to heal my heart and mind and get to the day this is a burden no more.

 

Good luck getting over this, you will and wonder what the fuss was about I promise you that.

 

PS Your still young, you got worse to come in the future this day and age in regards to relationships and friends.

 

Get yourself strong to prepare for it.