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I think I lost my Best Friend


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Old 17th October 2014, 12:39 PM   #1
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Unhappy I think I lost my Best Friend

Hello everyone. I'm NeuroBeam and this is my first post. I've been lurking around the forums for a while and decided to talk about something that had just happened to me recently.

I consider a girl, let's call her K, my "soul sister." She was a friend that I've known since Highschool and felt that we had gotten closer in college. She has been with this boy, let's call him M, since her last year in highschool. It's been around 3 years now, and they have been through many fights, breakups, and "happy moments." I've been with K throughout the entire thing, watching when she tried to breakup with M and when they had a big fight over an Ipad. K would often confide to me about her problems with M and she would sometimes call me late at night to tell me about a really big fight they had. Me being a good friend listened to her problems. Occasionally, I have problems, such as with friends, and talk to her about it. But I personally felt that though she was there for me, it felt like she didn't give me much advice on what to do. And often after talking about my problems, i noticed that the conversation would shift to her problems and we would speak about it for the rest of the conversation.

Lately, her "boyfriend" M has been causing trouble. He told her that he wants to break up with her, but he constantly texts her to see how she's doing. She had to put up with him calling her a "slut" just because she made an okaycupid account just so she could try to find someone new. Yet, she is not allowed to say anything when he told K that he likes an old highschool classmate of ours. I feel that K is being emotionally and mentally manipulated by M and the effects are seeping into her other relationships, in particularly mine's.

A few days ago I had meet with K to listened to yet another problem about her boyfriend. It was about the new person that M likes, and K decided to tell that person about the crush. Obviously M did not like it, and the two were constantly texting each other nasty messages back and forth while K talked to me about M. While talking to me, K mentioned how she feels she over-dominates the conversations about her problems despite knowing I was going through my own problems. It was true, a couple days prior to our meeting, I had texted her about my loneliness and depression. I wanted to call her, but she said she was busy and wanted to text. So we did, and she gave me a few advices, and then all of a sudden she starts texting me about how she feels about the future and her problems again. It left a sour taste in my mouth.

Fast forward to the meeting, and I secretly agreed that she was right, but decided to talk to her about it later. We spent the rest of the day hanging out, and having fun. A day later, she texts me about how she wants to make a new FB for only family members, because she was tired about seeing pics of her friends and colleagues. I simply suggested it an okay idea, and tried to talk to her about a little kid I saw today. She later text me if she can call me tonight, and I replied stating sure, but I also wanted to talk her about how I felt about her over-dominating the conversation.

She texts me about how she didn't want to put me through the trouble and that she's sorry for that. Then all of sudden, she starts texting me about how to forget about her calling me, and that she feels she is being taking advantage of, and how she felt she was there for me all this time and I don't care about her feelings. I was quite shocked, I didn't expect this question to make her explode like that. I replied stating that I was just concern about our relationship and that I honestly put more into the relationship then she did. She replies telling me that I'm just like an old friend of ours who she use to be close to but no longer is due to the friend's tendency to over dominate the conversation. It hurt, because we had both agreed a long time ago that I was never like that person. I simply stated that I'm not going to break the relationship and that her problems with M is changing her too much. I said she should take a chill pill and we should have time to ourselves. She apologized and thanked me for being so understanding.

Now just a few hours ago, I received several texts from her stating that she feels that I no longer care about the relationship, and how we should be acquaintances. She also mentioned how asking that question a few days showed that I didn't care about her. I was furious! She was throwing away a relationship that we had for around 7 years just because I was concern about our friendship? I replied to let her know that I cared about her because I was willing to be there for her when no else would. That perhaps I should have been like that old friend of hers, who told her that she didn't want to hear about her problems with M unless they were good. I just left it at that.

Sorry that it was long! I just needed to get it out of my mind. I wanted to know if I was wrong for asking that question, and if I should really just end things with my friend? She herself had ended many relationships before, such as her old best friends she had since middle school, and that one friend who I mentioned in the post. I've been with her when it all happened and stayed by her side. Is this relationship worth saving? I have friends, but not many I consider close to, so losing K would hurt me a lot, as she was someone I would text about random stuff to and her the same. When we hang out, I feel she is someone who is on my level and we could just go on and on about talking about so many things, never sticking to one topic. It just surprises me how easy it can be to lose someone you consider a best friend, and if I really should be surprise by it. People do change, but sometimes I just wonder how much do they have to change for the relationship to be broken? Thank you for reading this. :3
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Old 17th October 2014, 12:44 PM   #2
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Give her some time to cool off and then see how she feels.
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Old 17th October 2014, 12:46 PM   #3
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Give her some time to cool off and then see how she feels.
Hi, thank you. That's what I did in the beginning. And I received those texts today. But I don't know if she's willing to talk about it. But I will give her space, if for my own concern.
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Old 17th October 2014, 2:56 PM   #4
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Sounds like she's not a very good listener and it's her who doesn't care much about you. You've put in a lot of time listening to her stuff. I don't think you were wrong, and I think she will probably calm down, but if she doesn't, this isn't someone you could count on putting you first if you were in trouble or crisis. She wouldn't drop her own stuff to be there for you. So maybe if the worst-case scenario is peeling it back to maybe doing something occasionally out and about instead of having the one-sided therapy session she favors, it wouldn't be such a bad thing. I think you have the right to even tell her, "Let's go shopping (or whatever) Saturday and not talk about worries and just vow to just take a break from it and have fun." You'd be doing her a favor.
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Old 17th October 2014, 4:36 PM   #5
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Sounds like she's not a very good listener and it's her who doesn't care much about you. You've put in a lot of time listening to her stuff. I don't think you were wrong, and I think she will probably calm down, but if she doesn't, this isn't someone you could count on putting you first if you were in trouble or crisis. She wouldn't drop her own stuff to be there for you. So maybe if the worst-case scenario is peeling it back to maybe doing something occasionally out and about instead of having the one-sided therapy session she favors, it wouldn't be such a bad thing. I think you have the right to even tell her, "Let's go shopping (or whatever) Saturday and not talk about worries and just vow to just take a break from it and have fun." You'd be doing her a favor.

Thank you very much for the advice. It does feel that it was a one sided therapy session. I'm very reserved and though I wanted to tell her about my problems, I was trying to do it in the best way possible and she if she can understand my troubles. But it often was her talking about her problems than I was, and that was very tiresome. I had that question to her because I knew in my heart that the relationship was not equal at all. That I was the one listening and she was the one talking. I thought that since we were close we could talk about some issues concerning about our relationship. But I guess I was wrong.

It just hurt losing someone who you consider close to. It feels like I don't have many to turn to.
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