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Can't stop thinking about an old friend, I know this is so weird but..


SecretT1993

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Hey. So short story. I'm 21, I'm gay, it's a secret, and no one knows. I can't get over this guy who used to be my friend when I was 18 in college.

 

Long story. So I've always been the quiet, reserved time. When I was 18 in college I took up smoking, this one other guy there used to smoke aswell. I was known to be quiet and awkward amongst the other students. This guy used to always chat to me and have my back We got close as friends, and we hung out a lot. Honestly, he taught me so much about life, before I met him I had no life experiences and I had no idea about life and the whole outside world.

 

Anyways, I eventually fell for him, but of course I never told anyone. He's straight, he currently has a girlfriend. The more I fell for him, the more crazier I seemed to get. It got to a point where I used to always come to college having had a bit of a drink. I used to think it was 'cool' and it would impress him (I was naive and had no idea about life). I used to try and act like a big bad man to win his respect.

 

For about 4 months or so he really tried to help me stop drinking and think normally. Of course I never ever told him the real reason why I was acting strange. He eventually turned against me, embarrassed me infront of the college and removed me from Facebook.

This was heartbreaking for me. The first person I ever fell for, and it ended like this. I was crushed. After about a year I started to get over it, I went to a new college met some new people. I seen him a year ago, and we had a nice little chat. I tried re-adding him on Facebook after this, he didn't accept. I didn't care though I was over him by then.

 

I haven't been in college for a year and a half now, and don't meet new people very often. But I have sorted my life out. I'm completely sober. I have a car now and a lot of money, and I feel so accomplished and feel like I've overcome so much. But I just really miss him now. It's not even sexual anymore, I miss him as a friend. I'd love to have one last chat with him, see what he's up to - or at least show him the new me and show him I wasn't that alcoholic badman I was pretending to be.

 

Recently, my sleep has been getting slightly disrupted because of me thinking back to how I messed our friendship up last time. I'm remembering everything he taught me about life, and I want to see him again. He's a very popular guy, he has a girlfriend, I doubt he even remembers me that much? Would he want to speak to me? Would he start suspecting I'm gay and laugh?

 

Please help? Am I normal? What should I do? I don't want this to take over my life.

Edited by SecretT1993
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Atticus9292012

I think we all have regrets in life that haunt us. I wouldn't reach out. You tried to Facebook him and he showed you he does not wish to be in your life any longer. I would chalk it up to a lesson learned and move on. Get out and meet new friends.

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I agree with Atticus. You have to respect his decision. He isn't going to just take your word for it that you're a changed man, plus the truth is you're still hiding a very big secret from him -- though I have to wonder if you were drunk around him as much as you say if you didn't already let that cat out of the bag and just didn't think he'd notice or you don't remember it. It's usually pretty obvious when someone is crushing on you.

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