Is my Friend a great Father?

[Mysterio]

I have a friend named J. He has an out of wedlock son who is 17. he gets along with his kids mom okay.

 

J met a woman that is his GF now. She went back to her home town and he went out there to visit for his vacation. On his FBook profile he is talking about moving there to be with her. His son just survived a bout of Anorexia. The son seems very sad when I run into him or when I see pictures of him.

 

I ran into J's son's Mother the other day. We both concluded that J is not thinking of his son. This is a time where the son really needs his father. I don't have a problem with J leaving, but I think his son needs to come first.

 

What would be the best situation for everybody. I know that the son is not going to be thrilled that his father is leaving. Keep in mind that my buddy J only has to see his son every second weekend and even then its been pared down to maybe Saturday afternoons.

 

I think that J should stay one more year and be a great father and at least make sure his son is a little bit happier. I believe that he should be leave his son in a happier state of mind. Or take the son with him Summer of 2015, when the son is closer to turning 18 and out of school.

 

What do you all think. I am meeting with him on Wendsday. I really don't think he gets it. Its like no matter how you slice it. J is coming off like his fatherly obligations are over. I don't want to see J go and the son goes off the rails. I believe that his son's disorder is a vie for attention and he really needs his dad at this point. At least for the next year or so.

[mammasita]

Are you meeting with him to give him a dose of reality about his son?

 

In any case, yes I think he's putting his wants before what's clearly going on right in front of him with his son. His son should speak up though, he is 17.

[Ronni_W]

Mysterio,

You need to find out definitely and absolutely what his son wants, first. You are going by your own guesses, assumptions, interpretations and perceptions...his son "seems" sad. Sad about what? How great of a mom is his mom? What's going on with him at school; with other members of his family; with his extra-curricular activities at school???

 

You can't put it ALL on his Dad, your buddy J, until you know FOR SURE that his Dad is his only problem and concern and point of stress and anxiety in his life.

 

Now. As a concerned adult and friend, you can SUGGEST to Dad J, if he wants to make sure about all of this and ensure that his son will be fine if he does decide to up and leave. But I really can't see that it's going to make a great difference to anything to the "child" if he is 17 or 18. That just seems like an arbitrary thing. 17 or 20, 17 or 25...sure. But not just 17 or 18.

 

I would offer you to rethink, and have a bit of a different conversation with Dad J.

[whichwayisup]

Keep in mind that my buddy J only has to see his son every second weekend and even then its been pared down to maybe Saturday afternoons.

And why is that? Why did they not have joint custody? Why did the courts decide to give full custody and one or two days visitation for J? Did his ex screw him over?

 

Sounds like your friend hasn't been given the opportunity to 'be' a father to his own son. Has his ex wife excluded him?

 

Where is her home town? How far is it from where he lives now? A few hours drive away or an airplane ride?

 

Sorry that all my responses are questions.

[gaius]

Male anorexic...

 

It would be a horrible lesson to teach this kid that he can get his parents to rearrange their lives to circle him if he decides to be douchey and dysfunctional enough. The best lesson my stepfather ever gave was beating the daylights out of me and dumping me alone in my room when I decided to be a dick. Not ramping up the attention. So in essence your friend is being a wonderful father by moving away.

[Mysterio]

I talked to the mother at the hospital where the son was being treated. He just looks so sad. J met the mother and went out with her for about a 3 yrs. They broke up pregnant. She has had primary custody like most mothers. All J had to do is take him every second weekend.

 

The mother confided in me. J comes off as a prick just wanting to change his life with no regard for his kid at all. I just don't want to see the boy have a relapse. I think if his father leaves its not like he is coming back anytime soon. It just feels so cut and dry.

 

Its like his fatherly obligations are done and I can't see his son thriving from his father leaving. This is a crucial time for the boy. I think J can at least delay his departure until his son finishes grade 12.

 

I guess what has also triggered off this for me is that I had a co-worker commit suicide and he lost his will to live. I think that it could happen to J's son as he does not have many friends and is bound more to his mother/father. Its not like he has the friends to go out with.

 

All I am going to do is point out that he may want to delay his moving so that he can leave his son in a better frame of mind. To just go off and leave and his son is going to be cool with it or happy is not reality.

[preraph]

That's a sad situation. If he doesn't have joint custody, it's usually either because he didn't want it (my guess) or because he was deemed unfit from some sort of addiction or behavior like violence. These days, a father can get joint custody if he wants it unless he has a serious problem going on (the mother as well) and even then, they're given ample opportunity to work on that problem and rectify it and reapply. My guess is he never wanted to take care of his boy and now his boy is a sad boy. I don't think talking to him is going to change him at this late date. Not sure what the mom is like. If she picked him, she may be just as bad but been willing to raise the boy at least. The boy just needs a lot of psychiatric care to help him overcome whatever made him this way and I hope he's now getting it.

[mrs rubble]

I talked to the mother at the hospital where the son was being treated. He just looks so sad. J met the mother and went out with her for about a 3 yrs. They broke up pregnant. She has had primary custody like most mothers. All J had to do is take him every second weekend.

 

The mother confided in me. J comes off as a prick just wanting to change his life with no regard for his kid at all. I just don't want to see the boy have a relapse. I think if his father leaves its not like he is coming back anytime soon. It just feels so cut and dry.

 

Its like his fatherly obligations are done and I can't see his son thriving from his father leaving. This is a crucial time for the boy. I think J can at least delay his departure until his son finishes grade 12.

 

I guess what has also triggered off this for me is that I had a co-worker commit suicide and he lost his will to live. I think that it could happen to J's son as he does not have many friends and is bound more to his mother/father. Its not like he has the friends to go out with.

 

All I am going to do is point out that he may want to delay his moving so that he can leave his son in a better frame of mind. To just go off and leave and his son is going to be cool with it or happy is not reality.

 

Hmmmmm, you say J is your "friend" but your info comes from the mother confiding in you. I'd say you're not really that much of a friend of J's....and your telling him how to father his son would not likely go down too well at all.

[Mysterio]

My concern is for the boys well being. Like I said before. J met S. They went out for about 3 yrs. When they broke up. S got pregnant. So she had the child. She took primary custody and J paid child support and then took his son every second weekend. J then met another woman named C. Went out with and lived with C for 8 yrs. Maried C in 2010, due to C insistent. They broke up because J and C's son did not get along. Currently. J is in divorce Limbo. J claims that he can't get in touch with her, as she does not want anything to do with J.

 

Back to J's son H. The boy is a good kid. Its just that I believe that his Anorexia is a cry for help. That boy is sad one way or another. H does not have a lot of friends.

 

The Way that J is talking about leaving my town to go to another town to live with his new GF comes off as cold. I believe that his Son H, should come first. Or at least be left in a happier state of mind.

 

I am talking to J tonight. I will all let you know how it goes. All I am suggesting to J is to delay going to live with his GF by about year or so. Just enough time to see his son graduate and be in a happier state of mind. There is no rush. If he leaves. Its not like he is going to have time to come back and visit his son. he might as well just plan it for next fall.

[SpiralOut]

It's hard to say if J is a good father or not based on this one incident. Would you say that he is normally there for his son? How involved was he in helping with his son's recovery?

 

 

I don't think it's necessarily a problem for him to move away, depending on the situation. What I am wondering is if he had a conversation about it with his son before going ahead and posting it on FB, and how does the son feel about it? I am also wondering if he has offered to come visit at certain times at the year (like driving or flying over for his graduation), or if he has offered to let his son visit. It depends on how stable this guy is, how much help does he still need, is the mother able to provide most of it herself or does she need help.

 

 

Anyway, it's not your place to tell him when to move away. He hasn't asked for your advice and this is between him and his family.

 

 

How close are you to the mother? If you are that concerned, you could offer to help out in some way.

Edited October 15, 2014 by SpiralOut