Reconnecting with close old friend confusion!

[shan1]

I'm looking for advice, tips, maybe someone who been through similiar experiences?

 

I know this may be fairly long, but I could really use some advice here, i'm new to this!

 

HISTORY OF THE FRIENDSHIP:

There was a friend I was very close to in junior high school(a rare friendship) one of those friendships that had a huge impact/imprint on my life, our personalities were alot alike in ways, and in her differences she helped me to grow. She helped me big time when I was going through hard times at home, she made great effort for me, she made me happy, she was loyal and strong and always wanted to be with me. She made alot more effort for me, then I did for her, it's something I truly regret. Alot happened, I learned I had to move away from the area, and that meant her, and we didn't stay in touch. I went into a depression and pushed everyone away, at the time I felt it was best to protect myself from having to say goodbye and all the hurt along with it, but that was a mistake, I was the one who disconnected and didn't give her any contact information or any initiative to stay in touch.

 

RECENTLY:

I recently got in touch with her after 10 years (now that I am older) I added her on facebook (I didn't have facebook throughout most of my life until recently) my life has been up and down and now that I am older and wiser and understand alot of my feelings and am begining to have regrets, and feel lonely (whereas once I didn't feel like I needed anyone due to depression) and began missing her big time! and thinking about her alot

 

I started the conversation on facebook, I didn't know what to expect. We began talking very casually, I started with "hey it's been a really long time! how are you?" and it went from there.

 

After a few emails I couldn't take it anymore and sent her a long email explaining that I felt very upset about not contacting her in such a long time and not staying in touch, she replied with a long email also, and in her email she explained how it was her fault as well for not staying in touch (even though I am pretty sure it was mostly on my part that we didn't, I kept turning down her invites to hang out at the time, but maybe she doesn't remember that) at the end of the email she said if we ever get the chance to visit one another (since we live apart but are both from the same province) that we will see we can pick up where we left off. This made me so unbelievable happy to hear!

 

we started talking a little more and more, doing some catching up, even though I was more interested in her then vice versa in the conversations, I didn't mind that though.

 

however lately the conversations have slowed down, she emails less, and I am beggining to think I am annoying her/rushing things? (we email through facebook, im a little shy over the phone and I'm not sure she is wanting/or is ready for that eather) since she told me her internet connection wasn't good at the moment for skype when I mentioned it.

 

I feel like my emails are taking a pathetic/desperate feeling approuch lately as I have so much to say to her about how I feel about her and what happened between us that I keep bringing it up and was trying to figure out how to make plans/or when we could visit each other (basically initiating plans) but I am being impatient, as I want our friendship back so bad because she is so important to me, but when I keep trying to figure out ways to make plans in subtle ways, such as visiting sometime since we live closer or when we both move back home, she usually replies with subtle indirect excuses.

 

I don't want to ruin or rush this, but I don't think she really understands how important our friendship was to me, she says she misses me to and that we had that kind of friendship, but still puts me in the same category as her other close friends from then, and told me that friends grow apart, it's part of life, but it would be good to see me again. In her saying that it didn't make me feel of importance to her, or very remembered at all, and that maybe she isn't interested in having or growing a close friendship with me again? after all, it's been 10 years, I know she has alot of friends, and close friends to fill in for me when I left back then. I am so willing to put in the effort for her, to chat with her weekly basis and fly to her location to spend time with her, and be hopefull about us both moving back home to our province and being closer again, but I don't think she sees that same image, maybe because of our clearly different ideals of friendships, I value close friendships and old friendships, people to be effectionate and close with, as she has an over-abundance of friends and is a little extroverted, but all in the same, she valued her close friends and would usually want to spend more time with the people she was closer with and cared for to, she was also a little shy at times but would feel open with me and her close friends(so it's hard to tell with her how exactly she values her friendships)

 

As of now our conversation is at a stand still after her last comment about friends growing apart and it being apart of life, maybe im acting to insecure in my emails or opening up to quickly, someone gave me advice to be casual about the emails but I felt like casual wasn't getting the message off(I wanted her to know how important reconnecting with her is, and that she is important to me) but now I just feel embarrased when I re-read my emails, and now I don't know what to say to her.

 

I could really use some advice or tips here. Should I try to keep the conversation going ? or would I make it worse, how would I go about making plans in the future with her? how do I know for sure if she cares (because im getting mixed messages with her) at this time im feeling a little hurt, a little lost, it's very important to me but im new to this and don't want to hurt it before it starts.