would you dump a friend because of this history?

[Blade96]

Ok I met a friend on this martial arts forum when I used to do karate. He is in his fifties and has a 6 year old daughter. He has been a good forum friend and a good facebook friend. He`s funny and been very kind to me.

 

He knows I'm childfree and one day he told me his history. Ever since then, his history has made me VERY uncomfortable. because as nice a guy as he is to me, and seems to be, he still did this:

 

Before he met his now wife, who is his daughter's mom, he had this gf who got pregnant because the birth control failed. She didn't want kids and he did want it. She had abortion. when he found out, he got MAD at her and left her.

 

Then, he met his now wife. She didn't want kids either. But he wanted kids so badly he PRESSURED her to have one. and she did.

 

she got along with her daughter when she was born and everything is well, but him getting mad at his ex because she didn't want to reproduce, and then marrying another woman and pressuring this unwilling woman to have his kid just gave me the creeps. Still gives me the creeps like 6 months later. I could never think of pressuring anyone to make a big decision like parenthood (or in my belarussian boyfriend's case moving all the way to canada to be with me) Those are big life changing decisions, and people must make them themselves and not be pressured or take it lightly.

 

So. My question is, should I dump this guy as a friend? Would you dump him or remain friends?

 

What should I do?

[cerridwen]

Well, I take online friendships with strangers less seriously than I do in-person friendships.

 

That said, there are a few people on this forum who I am deeply fond of, but I've either met them in-person, carried on phone relationships for years, or just stalked them.

 

I've discouraged two burgeoning friendships; one because of creepiness and the other because the person held a repugnant ideology.

I didn't like the views or want them in my life. That's my boundary.

Maybe what you've learned about this guy, signals where your boundary is.

 

Friendships should include mutual respect.

So, I don't see why you should feel beholden to this person, this virtual stranger when you don't respect him.

You can feel appreciative for the help and friendship he's offered but if he creeps you out, what's the point?

 

 

 

 

 

 

Oh, and I was just kidding about the stalking.

Edited September 25, 2014 by cerridwen

[preraph]

You probably won't change his mind as those type beliefs are usually based in religious beliefs indoctrinated since childhood, but I would be honest with him that you disagree on it and try to see his side but also explain your side and maybe at least get him to admit it's a personal decision that affects the woman much much more than the man and should be her decision. I certainly would NOT ever have sex with him, ever. He is too controlling and too staunch on that topic. I would make it clear that sex is off the table forever and I bet once he hears that, he won't even stick around anyway.

[central]

Just a little perspective: Women sometimes (often?) pressure men to have kids, and do far worse than this guy ever did. Some will lie about using birth control, will forget to take their pills, and some will even cheat and get pregnant by someone else and deceive their partner into thinking it's his.

 

So he pressured an ex to have children - he didn't rape her, after all, so she must have gone along willingly if reluctantly. Which is what many men do when pressured to have children.

[darkmoon]

he sounds nice, a keen and willing father, sorry, but he sounds nice to me, i even think he was bragging slightly about his chosen conscientious role in life, to be seen as a responsible type

[Blade96]

Thanks guys.

 

just 4 responses though Aw. I would have liked to see more, but oh well. And yes he has always been nice to me.

 

though I'm not sure if pressuring two unwilling women to have his child (which his now wife did do) counts as nice. and I guess that's why I posted here. I'm just not sure.

Edited September 26, 2014 by Blade96

[mrs rubble]

His wife is still around right? Because if she were truly unwilling to be a mother wouldn't she do a runner? He's an online friend, imagine the snippets of your life he's passing judgement on too.

[guest569]

I wouldn't be friends with someone like that, no. There are lots of people to be friends with, so why waste time with someone who "gives you the creeps"?

[d0nnivain]

His issues about children don't have any bearing on our adult relationship. I doubt I'd take the relationship off line & I'd become cautious about what we discuss but I wouldn't drop him all together.

[Blade96]

Yeah I guess you're right. He isn't someone to drop altogether as I said he's very good to me. So I guess I'll keep him as a casual fb friend. Thanks.

[dispatch3d]

lol wait a second you are debating being facebook friends with him? I would just keep him on regardless of what happened to not cause a fight. I only remove people in cases where they have been absolutely vile to me directly.

 

Anyhow I wouldn't live with him for sure, and I wouldn't becom ebest friends with him likely either. That said, I'd be casual friends with him as long as he treated me well. Both those things you described I'd never do, but friendship doesn't require me to be that compatible with someone really.

[PinkInTheLimo]

Just a little perspective: Women sometimes (often?) pressure men to have kids, and do far worse than this guy ever did. Some will lie about using birth control, will forget to take their pills, and some will even cheat and get pregnant by someone else and deceive their partner into thinking it's his.

 

So he pressured an ex to have children - he didn't rape her, after all, so she must have gone along willingly if reluctantly. Which is what many men do when pressured to have children.

 

It is certainly true that some women pressure men into kids. I know at least 3 women who say they got pregnant "by accident" and I don't believe them. All three desperately wanted to have a child but were with a partner who was not ready for a child. In one case I am sure she did it to make to make her guy be more committed to her. Personally I have had a relationship in which I am sure he would have been a lot more committed to me if I would have had a child by him but there was no hair on my head who ever considered going that direction. Ultimately we split and I am happy we did.

 

So my opinion is: never believe a woman who became pregnant "by accident".

 

Now for men pressuring women into having a child, that's not very positive either.

 

My take is that people should check early in their relationship if they want to have children or not. If they want different things in this respect, they should look for another partner who wants the same thing. Having children or not is such a fundamental life choice that if you have a different opinion about it your relationship is doomed.

 

And about friendship with people who trap or pressure someone in having a child? It would not work for me because someone who does that has a value set which is very different from mine.

Edited September 30, 2014 by PinkInTheLimo