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Could you ever forgive a friend that did this?


purplesoccer34

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purplesoccer34

When I was dating my ex, one of my best friends constantly flirted with him when I wasn't around. My ex never flirted with her though. She also planned a weekend trip for just the two of them, saying that they'd be going as friends--I think that she was secretly looking to hook up with him. My ex didn't want to go with her alone, so he asked me to come along. The trip did happen, but they both ended up going with a few more friends. During the trip, my best friend got drunk and was all over my ex.

 

As soon as my ex and I broke up, she flirted with him even more. They spent more time together, and after about 2 months, she asked him out. My ex ended up rejecting her and 3 months later, he started to date someone new.

 

My friends have all told me that this is the one of the worst things that a friend could do to another friend--especially since she was my best friend for 8 years. It's been about a year since this all happened, but I've completely forgiven her. That's because for 8 years, she's been one of the few people who was literally always there for me. When I needed somebody to console me about something, she was always there. She would answer my calls at 3 i the morning and talk to me for hours. Whenever I was sick, she would come to my house and help me out. When I got my wisdom teeth pulled out, she showed up at my house with soup and popsicles lol. Whenever I needed help on an assignment, she would come over to my house and explain the assignment to me. For my birthday, she would be the first person to plan a surprise party or give me an elaborate present. Whenever I thought about giving up on something, she would be the first person to push me to go for it. She was always on my side, and I could talk to her about anything. I never asked her to do any of these things--she always did them herself.

 

I've been told over and over again not to forgive her for going behind my back, but I can't forget all the nice stuff she has done for me. Even now that we're friends again, she still continues to go out of her way to help me. I don't mind doing the same for her despite all that has happened. I'm trying to see it from her point of view--I know that she was completely head over heels for my ex, and probably couldn't contain her emotions. Sometimes I think that she even liked (loved?) him way more than I did and just couldn't help it.

 

What would you do? Would you forgive your friend if they ever did this to you?

Edited by purplesoccer34
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purplesoccer34
Does your friend share her inner most secrets with you? Seems like she gives you just bare minimum to make herself stand out. Maybe she is more than what she appears

 

Before this whole flirting incident happened, she did share all her secrets. We've grown apart since this whole thing happened, but she still continues to help me out.

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Plans a getaway for 2 with my man . No , we would not be BFF's anymore. What GOOD reason for her to do that? Why wouldn't you have been invited ?

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Plans a getaway for 2 with my man . No , we would not be BFF's anymore. What GOOD reason for her to do that? Why wouldn't you have been invited ?

 

Seriously. I'm very curious if there's an explanation that makes sense, because inviting your boyfriend on a trip with just the two of them is highly inappropriate and bizarre.

 

Also, did she ask you if you would be okay with her asking him on a date?

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When I was dating my ex, one of my best friends constantly flirted with him when I wasn't around...

 

I stopped reading after this sentence.

The answer to your question of could I ever forgive a friend who did this is, no.

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Lernaean_Hydra

Question: How many times can "a friend" try to f*k your man before you don't consider them a friend anymore?

 

Answer: Uh, just the once is enough.

 

That girl is a disrespectful little tramp and should not, under any circumstances be forgiven. She tried to screw your BF when you were together and continued to do so after you were over. She's not a friend and she never was; she's just some girl you once knew.

 

There IS no other point of view to see things from. She placed so little value on your friendship that she pursued him WHILE you were with him and likely would've slept with him had he given her the green light - behind your back no less! I don't care how 'head over heels' she was for him, unless she's a toddler, she should be able to contain her "crushes" on other people's boyfriends - especially that of a good friend.

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I'm sure it feels nice to have her there to fill all of your emotional needs, but it is all false. I've come across this type a few times (taking a punt here..). They will do anything and everything for you, they give too much in fact. They make themselves useful and make people feel good about themselves in order to secure friendships. It's unhealthy. A lot of people that are perhaps slightly more emotionally needy or dependent than others tend to fall for this, and get caught up with these people.

 

She was more than happy to throw you away completely to take your boyfriend...do you really still think that all the things that she does for you is because she cares?? Of course not. Would she have been there to console you at 3am if she had screwed your boyfriend, shattered you, and got what she had wanted? No. And she likely would not have even cared very much.

 

She repeatedly and coldly planned and attempted to steal your boyfriend, destroying the friendship in the process. It was calculated and she had absolutely no remorse, as she kept doing it over and over. She didn't care what it would do to you...she doesn't value or respect you as a person.

 

You don't need people like that in your life. Fill your void some other way. She doesn't care about you at all, and will throw you under the bus if it ever suits her. To trust this girl and have her so involved in your life is foolish in my opinion.

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Now that she knows you'll put up with that, you may as well tattoo "Boyfriend donor" on your forehead because she'll just keep leeching men off you. That kind of thing seems to happen in rapid succession when you're under 21 or teenage or whatever but it has no place once you're an adult trying to develop a serious relationship.

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My friends & I are all flirts. We flirt with each other SO's & spouses all the time but everybody is very clear where the boundaries are. Planning a trip for two with somebody else's opposite sex SO is definitely out of bounds. Somebody who did that would no longer have the title of friend in my book.

 

Spending some time with a friend's SO with that friend's full knowledge & prior approval might be OK. For example a few years ago a group of friends was supposed to come over to my house to watch the 4th of July fireworks at a nearby beach. Things came up & people couldn't come but the kids of my friend's BF still wanted to go so he came over & the 4 of us went to the fireworks (me, my friend's BF & his kids). That was perfectly OK but I never would have ask him if he wanted to come over without her. I asked her to come. She couldn't but asked if it would be OK if her BF came with his kids.

 

Do you see the difference?

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I'm sure it feels nice to have her there to fill all of your emotional needs, but it is all false. I've come across this type a few times (taking a punt here..). They will do anything and everything for you, they give too much in fact. They make themselves useful and make people feel good about themselves in order to secure friendships. It's unhealthy. A lot of people that are perhaps slightly more emotionally needy or dependent than others tend to fall for this, and get caught up with these people.

 

Right. I've had a few friends like this in the past, and it's always a bit discomfiting. You feel "should I be doing all of this back? I suppose I should, but it feels a bit much." I wouldn't dream of calling a friend at 3am in the morning, unless there was a real emergency. I'm really just not a follower of the notion that taking 3am calls whenever a friend feels a bit depressed is what "real friendship" is about.

 

A real friend doubtless would help out in an emergency (as might a lot of other people who aren't ordinarily people you'd class as friends) but I also think a real friend avoids placing excessive demands on the people they care about, wherever possible. A real friend will be there for you if you really need them to be, but a real friend is not some emotional ghoul who's creaming themselves at the thought of being first on your doorstep with soup and tissues at the slightest hint of any disharmony in your life.

 

Would she have been there to console you at 3am if she had screwed your boyfriend, shattered you, and got what she had wanted? No. And she likely would not have even cared very much.

 

She repeatedly and coldly planned and attempted to steal your boyfriend, destroying the friendship in the process. It was calculated and she had absolutely no remorse, as she kept doing it over and over. She didn't care what it would do to you...she doesn't value or respect you as a person.

 

 

Exactly. An ex of mine had a female colleague who was very touchy-feely and "confide in me" when I was going through a hard time. I had a bad gut feeling about her, and it was proved right when my then bf admitted that he'd cheated on me with her.

 

Purplesoccer, your friend sounds like she wants your life, and that's probably why she inveigles her way into it to the extent that she has done. Not out of caring, but out of coveting. Ever heard of a thing called reaction formation? It means, essentially, behaving in a way that's the very opposite to how you feel inside. I don't think it's at all wise to take this girl's super-nice "ever there for you" bestie demeanour at face value. She proved what she's really about with her pursuit of your ex while you were still with him. No true friend does that.

Edited by Taramere
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  • 3 weeks later...
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purplesoccer34

Wow, all of you are so right. I'm starting to wonder how I ever even saw her as a friend. I should've known something was up...I do have other close friends, but none of them were like her. They would've undoubtedly helped me in a time of emergency, but they all kept a healthy distance. Now I know to be wary of people who try to get too close. I don't know what I was even thinking to try to forgive her.

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