Email Friendship

[Fair]

Hi everyone

About three years ago I reconnected with my best friend from school on facebook. We live a bit of a distance away from each other but not so far that occasional visits would be hard to arrange. Still, we began corresponding via email and three years later... we're still emailing. We've never met for coffee, we haven't seen each other face to face, yet, even though our email friendship became very intimate and a great source of support and comfort to me over the years. She's a very good friend in many ways... and so I pushed aside my doubts.

I've been getting my life settled, and have moved a couple times in the past three years, but I've always given my friend my phone number and have invited her to call. The strange thing is, she never acknowledges it or says she'll call... and she never has... in fact the first time I gave her my number her emails dropped off as well for a time... I do feel she values my friendship, but only so long as I'm at arms length... my theory is that since she is married with a daughter and I'm single with a professional job it's the typical scenario wherein the married woman wants to keep the single woman at bay. I've been a very good friend and haven't given her a reason to question my friendship, so I'm hurt and confused. I finally took the plunge and asked her if she wants to keep the friendship as an "email" only one, after having been afraid to ask for a long time for fear of offending her somehow. But so far my email has been met with a stony silence. This too, is bizarre. I don't think it's unreasonable to want my friends in my life in a more substantial sense...

Should I end this friendship? I feel like I'd be throwing away a lot of good things out the window... but on the other hand, what kind of a friendship is it REALLY, when someone will be a good friend to you only providing you "stay in your cage" and don't be an actual part of their life?

[d0nnivain]

Have you ever called her? Have you invited her to do something? if not, try that before you drop her altogether.

 

I have friends I reconnected with on FB that I had seen since school. I value that connection but when the distances involve planes, I have no desire to bridge the gap. It's still nice to see their pictures.

 

If you otherwise would have no contact with this long lost friend but for FB or other social media, enjoy that for what it is & don't worry about the rest .

[Ronni_W]

It is as you have described it: an online friendship that is very intimate and offers you also a great source of support and comfort.

 

In and of itself, no, of course it is NOT unreasonable for you to want occasional or even frequent in-person get-togethers to support/nurture any friendship. But apparently from this particular person, it is. She seems to be perfectly fine with exactly how things are.

 

If what it is no longer satisfies, pleasures, serves, fulfills you as you want, need, prefer -- which is your every right to determine for yourself -- then, yes, you do have to let this one go.

 

Since you've already asked for what you want/need, anything other than just leaving it would most likely be perceived by her (no matter how inaccurately), to be you making demands.

 

It's not a great thing, but it doesn't say anything about you. Maybe she's feeling "lesser than" for one or more of a dozen possible reasons.

[Fair]

Thanks for the replies.

I'd like to just enjoy the friendship for what it is Donnovain but I feel stung by the friendship... if she doesn't want to see me, I need to know..."why not?" at least. Especially since I've worked very hard at being a good friend and this just doesn't make sense. It doesn't feel so good. And so far I'm not getting an answer. We're still friends on facebook and I see her sending out enthusiastic replies to other mutual friends saying things like "hey! We should get together" while I never hear that coming from her. So there's a thousand tiny little wounds that come with keeping up this kind of friendship with her.

[d0nnivain]

If you have reached out but she hasn't replied, assume she wants FB only but don't worry about why. It could be 1,000 reasons & I bet 998 have nothing to do with you.

 

Get her off your feed. Look at her pictures when the mood strikes you but don't expect more from this "friendship."

[Ronni_W]

but I feel stung by the friendship... if she doesn't want to see me, I need to know..."why not?" at least.

That's the thing, isn't it?

 

The best you might be able to do is say to her something like, "I'm okay that you don't want to meet-up in person...but I just want you to know that whatever you may think of me, I am not going to be judgmental or self-righteous or offer you unasked-for 'advice/counsel' or anything like that. I just love you, appreciate our friendship and would love us to get-together if at all within what you can manage."

 

It still isn't about you...but perhaps she just is (or was) in a place where you saying that will make all the difference...including how she feels about herself and whatever life choices, decisions she has made (that she might be beating herself up about) that she has not yet had the courage/strength to share.

Edited September 9, 2014 by Ronni_W

[preraph]

I've had best friends who a few years after having kids claim they can't even remember their life before kids. I wonder if that is what is going on. I find that very sad. I think it's partly because they don't want to have to contemplate the path not taken and partly because they're already overwhelmed. But if she doesn't have kids, just sounds like maybe she's not the same person she once was.

 

I had a close friend who I was also business associates with and she did try to keep in touch for some time after I was out of the business and it was my fault as much as any that that didn't work. But then when I ran into her a few years later somewhere, she made it a point to tell me "I'm not like that anymore." She and I used to party and hang out and have a lot of fun related to business, and I knew she had a new best friend who was an Austin hippie organic type, so she was doing a different lifestyle, eating healthy (she did when I knew her too though) and bike riding a lot, etc. I still am not sure if that's what she meant or that she just didn't want anyone to know a lot of the things we'd been doing which were at least partly part of both our jobs at the time and fun but nothing bad. Anyway, I just had to accept she had changed her image or whatever and didn't want anyone around that knew the old her.

 

I would, frankly, let her go and take her off FB and everything. She's been rude. I don't care how busy someone is, they shouldn't let themselves get so busy they can't maintain their old friendships to some degree. Honestly, when I see that happening, after many years of experience, I now assume they have marital problems or took on too much and just can't deal with someone who isn't in the same boat.

[Fair]

Hi everyone

I just heard back from my friend, who says she is just too busy with x,y and z for phone calls and the like. And she was willing to be "understanding" if I don't want to continue the friendship as a result!

 

 

She does have one child, preraph, a small daughter who has now just started school, but frankly I do feel the "I'm too busy, I'm a parent" excuse is overused. We're all busy, are we not? My mom had six kids and didn't turn away all of her friends because of it. No one is THAT busy.

 

 

Not only that, but I live in our old home town, now... and her dad lives literally right down the street from me. Once again... as there has been before... there were pictures on FB just now of a recent weekend with her dad ... and I hadn't even known she'd been here!

 

 

 

 

Well, it's pretty obvious where I stand. I don't think it's necessary to take her off facebook or abruptly cut her off, but I'm going pull WAY back and not make any more attempts to email or invite her to get together unless she does first... in other words... only give as much as I get. No more. If people think you'll settle for peanuts, that's what you'll get, I guess...

[whichwayisup]

Thanks for the replies.

I'd like to just enjoy the friendship for what it is Donnovain but I feel stung by the friendship... if she doesn't want to see me, I need to know..."why not?" at least. Especially since I've worked very hard at being a good friend and this just doesn't make sense. It doesn't feel so good. And so far I'm not getting an answer. We're still friends on facebook and I see her sending out enthusiastic replies to other mutual friends saying things like "hey! We should get together" while I never hear that coming from her. So there's a thousand tiny little wounds that come with keeping up this kind of friendship with her.

 

Why do you need to know 'why'? You're putting her in a very uncomfortable spot and she doesn't want to hurt your feelings. It's obvious by her actions/non actions that she doesn't want to get together with you and every time you give her your number or ask her to meet up, she avoids it completely by not answering. That's your hint. It may hurt a bit by her doing this but this is her way of letting you know that she isn't interested in being close friends and getting together like in the past. She's married, has kids and has moved on.

 

Not sure if you're a guy, but if you are, all the more reason as to why she won't see you. She's married.

[whichwayisup]

Hi everyone

I just heard back from my friend, who says she is just too busy with x,y and z for phone calls and the like. And she was willing to be "understanding" if I don't want to continue the friendship as a result!

 

 

She does have one child, preraph, a small daughter who has now just started school, but frankly I do feel the "I'm too busy, I'm a parent" excuse is overused. We're all busy, are we not? My mom had six kids and didn't turn away all of her friends because of it. No one is THAT busy.

 

 

Not only that, but I live in our old home town, now... and her dad lives literally right down the street from me. Once again... as there has been before... there were pictures on FB just now of a recent weekend with her dad ... and I hadn't even known she'd been here!

 

 

 

 

Well, it's pretty obvious where I stand. I don't think it's necessary to take her off facebook or abruptly cut her off, but I'm going pull WAY back and not make any more attempts to email or invite her to get together unless she does first... in other words... only give as much as I get. No more. If people think you'll settle for peanuts, that's what you'll get, I guess...

 

Would you have rather had her say, "I just am not interested in being friends with you anymore" or "Please don't contact me again, I've given you hints that I don't want to get together but you keep on pushing.." I think it would hurt more if she was honest and blunt. In her own way she did tell you she wasn't interested in a face to face friendship. Problem is, you want that, she doesn't...

 

Yes, back off and let it be. If she wants to continue with emails, she will email. If you end it, just disappear...You don't owe her anything now.

[Fair]

I haven't been "pushing" whichwayisup... and I don't think she sees it that way, either. I asked her once, and gave out my phone number twice in three years. I'm hardly the pushy type.

 

 

But as to why she's brushing me off, I think "she's married" is the explanation. Married women tend not to want single women friends around, in my opinion, unfortunately. But, so be it.

Edited September 12, 2014 by Fair

[whichwayisup]

I haven't been "pushing" whichwayisup... and I don't think she sees it that way, either. I asked her once, and gave out my phone number twice in three years. I'm hardly the pushy type.

 

 

But as to why she's brushing me off, I think "she's married" is the explanation. Married women tend not to want single women friends around, in my opinion, unfortunately. But, so be it.

 

Sorry, for some reason I thought you were male.

 

Sometimes people just grow apart and find they have more in common with those who are in similar lifestyles.

 

Did you go to her wedding? It is just possible you two weren't as close as you thought? Or just time apart changed things.

[UpwardForward]

Never mind. Question answered.

 

But just go about your life OP. Meeting up with her probably wouldn't enhance your life anymore.

 

Her 'friendship' with you, may just be an escape.

Edited September 12, 2014 by UpwardForward

[preraph]

I agree the kid excuse isn't a good one. I do understand when they're babies and requiring the 24/7 care and the parent is tired, but once out of diapers, time to suck it up and either get a babysitter or get back in touch with friends. And I completely agree: Most of us are busy. I am not quite as much so as i have been for the past decades, but I did get tired of hearing people's lame excuses when I was making an effort to connect and working two jobs at the same time. To me, "working in the yard" is no excuse when getting someone to do it for you is so cheap. Likewise, "I have to run my kids all over town" is no excuse since they are the parent and can control how much their kids demand of them and should learn to occasionally utter the "no" word. So I sympathize, but if they're that immersed, they're really too consumed to be a good friend at that point anyway. Their mind isn't on it.

[Fair]

I guess I just ended the friendship. I unfriended her from facebook which, silly as it seems, makes a statement... and I feel better, now. I'm tired of feeling like I am the only one working to hold up the friendship, and tired of feeling badly because I feel my friendship is undervalued after all the work I've put into it.

 

 

After I asked her point blank why she doesn't seem to want to be friends outside of just emailing... I started getting the cold shoulder worse than ever. And I only ASKED... I wasn't rude about it... so, I'm done. This is silly... life is too short for this crap. Why should someone shove you away by degrees just because you would like them in your actual life instead of only online? And why get passive aggressive just because you have no patience with subterfuge and decided to ASK them to tell you the truth? How gutless. I've decided this person is insecure and doesn't trust me due to her own issues and as a result is guarding her life... it's not my fault but I've been on the receiving end of her b.s underservedly and it doesn't feel good....so it's time to let it go.

[UpwardForward]

I guess I just ended the friendship. I unfriended her from facebook which, silly as it seems, makes a statement... and I feel better, now. I'm tired of feeling like I am the only one working to hold up the friendship, and tired of feeling badly because I feel my friendship is undervalued after all the work I've put into it.

 

 

After I asked her point blank why she doesn't seem to want to be friends outside of just emailing... I started getting the cold shoulder worse than ever. And I only ASKED... I wasn't rude about it... so, I'm done. This is silly... life is too short for this crap. Why should someone shove you away by degrees just because you would like them in your actual life instead of only online? And why get passive aggressive just because you have no patience with subterfuge and decided to ASK them to tell you the truth? How gutless. I've decided this person is insecure and doesn't trust me due to her own issues and as a result is guarding her life... it's not my fault but I've been on the receiving end of her b.s underservedly and it doesn't feel good....so it's time to let it go.

 

OP, I should have posted this earlier. Perhaps I didn't realize how important it was for you that you have a friendship with her outside of emailing.

 

One of my dearest friends and I have been emailing for about 6 yrs now. We have never met personally. We are both very busy and with families.

 

We love talking about everything, (almost daily) and have never felt the necessity to meet personally.

[Fair]

It's not simply that we have only been emailing... it's been all the little things that was making me feel slighted... coming to town and making no move to tell me she was coming until I saw it posted on facebook after she'd gone back home... not answering basic questions... I asked her where she and her husband are building their new house at least 4 times and never got an answer... and she never answers when I ask her about her job... and get this, after 3 years of emailing I still don't know what her husband does for a living... she wouldn't even tell me that... then ignored it when I gave her my number... only to drag up that old "I'm too busy" excuse when I asked her why she doesn't want to talk on the phone. The only subject we could safely talk about was me... and I was beginning to regret having shared so much with her when she shared next to nothing about herself... Just, RED FLAGS all the way around, I suppose. All I know is... I suddenly feel better now that I've dropped her. I don't have to worry anymore about why she's been acting so strange. I don't like subterfuge or guesswork or head games. So I'm done. And it's like a load off. After all, if you're going to claim to be someone's friend sometimes you actually have to put your money where your mouth is... and she just didn't do it.

[whichwayisup]

my theory is that since she is married with a daughter

 

Bingo. This is why she is avoiding you and doesn't want to pursue anything further. Respect that and keep the friendship casual and emailing once in a while or end it.

 

I suspect you want more than she is willing to give and that's another reason why she's avoiding.

 

Find a woman (single) who is better suited for you.

[whichwayisup]

It's not simply that we have only been emailing... it's been all the little things that was making me feel slighted... coming to town and making no move to tell me she was coming until I saw it posted on facebook after she'd gone back home... not answering basic questions... I asked her where she and her husband are building their new house at least 4 times and never got an answer... and she never answers when I ask her about her job... and get this, after 3 years of emailing I still don't know what her husband does for a living... she wouldn't even tell me that... then ignored it when I gave her my number... only to drag up that old "I'm too busy" excuse when I asked her why she doesn't want to talk on the phone. The only subject we could safely talk about was me... and I was beginning to regret having shared so much with her when she shared next to nothing about herself... Just, RED FLAGS all the way around, I suppose. All I know is... I suddenly feel better now that I've dropped her. I don't have to worry anymore about why she's been acting so strange. I don't like subterfuge or guesswork or head games. So I'm done. And it's like a load off. After all, if you're going to claim to be someone's friend sometimes you actually have to put your money where your mouth is... and she just didn't do it.

 

Head games? She ain't interested and her not answering your personal questions or letting you know when she's in Town IS the hint for you to stop and leave it alone....She doesn't want to be rude and tell you to stop, she's hoping you'll figure it out.

 

Sorry to be blunt, but you seem pushy and it's pissing her off. Asking someone the same question over and over again and not getting a response is bothersome and she feels what her husband does is none of your business.

 

Yep, be done with her and block her. She isn't a friend at all, at least anymore.

[UpwardForward]

Bingo. This is why she is avoiding you and doesn't want to pursue anything further. Respect that and keep the friendship casual and emailing once in a while or end it.

 

I suspect you want more than she is willing to give and that's another reason why she's avoiding.

 

Find a woman (single) who is better suited for you.

 

I surely do agree, Fair.

 

Single people have a lot more in common with each other. (as do married people).

 

The married ones who want to be part of my life i.e. daily emailing, wanting to go with me to my flea markets .. They want to use a single woman to enhance their lives further. Why be used?

[preraph]

Sorry she turned out to be such a disappointment. I don't like it that you are even considering that this has anything to do with whether you are worthy. It's even possible her life is such shambles she doesn't want any of her old friends to witness it. It's even possible she's been telling lies about new houses and such but in reality, she's not doing well. At the very minimum, her capacity isn't very great for friendship, and that's not good, so I'm glad you cut her off.

[Fair]

Head games? She ain't interested and her not answering your personal questions or letting you know when she's in Town IS the hint for you to stop and leave it alone....She doesn't want to be rude and tell you to stop, she's hoping you'll figure it out.

 

Sorry to be blunt, but you seem pushy and it's pissing her off. Asking someone the same question over and over again and not getting a response is bothersome and she feels what her husband does is none of your business."

 

Stop? Stop what? Being a genuine, caring friend? This opinion is not helpful... it's antagonistic. A troll post. I'm in no way "pushy", and have asserted this in my earlier posts. Nor have I been asking inappropriate or intrusive questions. "What does your husband do for a living..." is a basic and ordinary question... it's the kind of question complete strangers ask when they're just getting to know someone. Not wanting to tell someone something as simple as this especially when they say they you consider you a good friend ... as she has.... is just bizarre.

 

 

I do think the fact that she's married with a daughter has something to do with why she's been acting like this... but that doesn't mean I think it's normal behaviour which is to be expected just because she's married... On the contrary, If a married woman has to chase off all her single friends....she more than likely has insecurity issues....

 

 

It's surprising to hear people think this is natural, as if I should have known better than to expect a married woman would want to be my friend... I didn't put a gun in her back and force her to correspond with me for three years... No, it is not my wanting to be her friend that is screwed up... it's the fact that as a married woman she is possibly just too insecure to have a single female around, so she started backing off when I finally suggested we actually get together.

 

 

Married men all have their single friends... they don't dump them OR start freezing them out just because they get married. This isn't an issue for them... but women are insecure. Anyway, I dumped her and I'm glad. Life is too short for this crap.

Edited October 4, 2014 by Fair

[Fair]

On second thought, I'm glad for that last post by whichwayisup... because it illustrates a point. It speaks to an attitude that is quite prevalent, I believe, even in this day and age which is sad...

 

 

A lot of people seem to be very quick to assume that a single woman must be unmarried because she is an evil vamp with ill intent who doesn't respect boundaries or other people's relationships and will try to force her way in and disrupt lives if anyone is stupid enough to let her get too close.... the type of person who shouldn't be bothering the virtuous wife and mother.... and if she gets rejected in any way... then she gets what she deserves, hands down, no questions asked.

Edited October 4, 2014 by Fair

[Yasuandio]

You are pretty upset. I can see you had a lot invested in the 3 year email relationship. Why not just write your feelings of anger to the person you are at - rather than Whichwayisup, and other interpreters of your situation?

 

Tell her like it is, and b email done with it. Get it off your chest, the "unsaid things," then drop her like yesterday's trash. And let her know why and how you are hurt to see her F notifications that she has visitations just down the street from you - and ask her, "dafuq, what am I, a nonperson?"

 

I see where you are coming from - and it is ok for someone to keep some details of their life private, but it is Fricking weird when they are nearby and refuse a face 2 face, as if you have leprosy or something.

 

But, you know, LS vets can only guess at these things so try not to get ticked at us. Yas

 

PS. Credit goes to TaraMaiden for the new word I learned "dafuq." I love it.

[Fair]

Thanks for the reply Yuasandio. I guess I am pretty upset. I've thought of writing to her but hate spilling out my feelings of hurt to someone who obviously doesn't care about the friendship.

 

 

Incidentally, let me clarify. This person and I went through school together in the same small town. And there was a span of time when we were best friends. Our relatives know each other... it's a small town... we still share many of the same friends from school. I met her husband-to-be once when we were teenagers before they starting dating...it's not like I'm a stranger who has been emailing a stranger. Still think it's NOT a tad strange that she won't answer simple questions, like what does your husband do... or, how's your job going? This is someone I KNOW. It's not like she feels like she has to protect herself from a stranger off the internet and is just wisely choosing not to share any personal details of her life. The whole thing is bizarre.

Edited October 5, 2014 by Fair