Coworker has crush, overbearing

[jackiecour]

I think my coworker has a crush on me, though of course I could be wrong. Whatever the reason, she is incredibly overbearing, and I cannot get seem to extricate myself from the "relationship."

 

She is gay; I am not. I am much younger than she is. She is brilliant and we are both writers and I am also a part-time paid fashion model. We share an office, for which our firm compensates us both with one telecommute day per week. That helps me a lot, because I have a young child at home and don't like to wake him early for daycare.

 

I am going through a divorce. My work production has suffered because of it. My coworker talks to me about the divorce and I must confess that i sought her advice in the beginning, not on anything legal, but just on how to deal with it emotionally. She came back with way too much, way over-bossy advice, telling me to basically cut my husband off from our child for no reason. She often yells at me and slams her fist on the table.

 

She becomes very angry at me if I disagree with her about the smallest thing, such as whether "game of thrones" is a good book (nothing to do with our work.) She will talk to me for hours in nonstop lectures about her philosophy and her life. She has had a very tough life, abuse, illness et c. She has a physical disability. I am her only friend besides an online friendship that she has. She once took me to visit her place in the middle of the countryside where she lives alone with several animals.

 

Today she told me that she plans to will her place to me if her online friend does not want it, but that as a condition in the will, I must live there and I cannot have anything to do with my ex-husband. (I plan on shared visitation and shared custody after divorce, and we are splitting amicably.) I was stunned to hear it. I didn't think I was anywhere near close enough for a will of property, and I don't want to be in her will. I would hate for anyone to will me something with the requirement that I live in a specific place for life-- no way! To say nothing of her trying to control whom I do and do not see in my personal life. I think I have to tell her that. But she is so forceful, it will not go over well.

 

I am the only person who will share an office with this woman, she doesn't get along well with the other coworkers. However, she needs an office share because of her illness (she needs the telecommute day). Therefore, management probably appreciates having someone (me) who is willing to do the office share so that they do not have to figure out whether an extra telecommute day for her illness is legally warranted. Perhaps I should go to them anyway, give up my office share and telecommute day. But with the divorce, that telecommute day is pretty precious.

 

Besides, whether I share an office with her or not, the die is cast: I dread going to work now. It is a fairly small office. I otherwise love the job. I am bad at setting boundaries I guess, and this person has gotten too close too fast. I don't know how to talk to her and it bothers me. I have tried to tell her that "we" need to stop talking so much because I am not getting enough work done. She does not seem to be able to conform her behavior. And I still consider her a dear friend, I know that she is a challenging person but she has a big heart and I care about her.

 

What to do? Go to management? Approach her some other way? I will post duplicate in work forum and in friendship forum.

[todreaminblue]

I am sorry you are in such a difficult situation.I do feel you should approach her first rather than go to management first as you have developed a friendship with this woman......so sit her down have an open discussion about getting work done setting boundaries what you aren't comfortable with...i know it will feel awkward to talk of these issues, but i feel it is more compassionate to deal with this matter first if you can personally rather than having management step in for you.......

 

 

even though she has had it rough and is obviously pretty lonely....your work ethic and how you feel are just as important a consideration...i feel sad that she doesnt have many friends to gift her house that she would gift a house to a virtual stranger such as you are....she doesnt know how you really feel or realize the imposition she has placed on you is why i consider her to be a virtual stranger..........although you understand her life, she considers you more or less a close personal friend..... she knows little of you and yours.....or your ways...or your feelings on different matters.....

 

 

 

the request that you live there in the event of her demise could squarely be rooted in her animals.....that you would look after them for her......as an animal lover coming from a family of animal lovers being an animal guardian is a responsibility as well as a gift..........it is a huge worry for people who don't have anyone to rely on.....who will look after my animals if something happens to me......animals become like best friends and confidantes...they listen when no one else does...my mum lost her shepherd yesterday .....animals mean so very much to people who feel alone or lonely....i believe that is why god gave us dogs and animals......they are guardians with angelic hearts against loneliness......ack ....have to stop

 

anyway...in saying all that ...please dont feel guilty.....you must be a wonderful person to consider her a dear friend.....just be truthful with her ...be gentle and be as kind as i know you are, but please be firm its the only way to develop a healthy relationship with this woman that will benefit the both of you as friendship should..........i wish you well...i feel for the both of you............hugs....deb

Edited September 8, 2014 by todreaminblue

[sdrawkcaB ssA]

Well, you could tell her you met a nice guy while taking a night out... etc. if she does not get a clue, she'll never will. boss should be your best option if she does not stand off with your story. she sounds obsessive and controlling. You don't want to get in a confrontation with her unless you have someone on your side.

[preraph]

I imagine her disability has left her with few friends over the years, but then her personality has also festered, making it hard for any reasonable person to want to be around her. I think you have to sit her down and tell her that you consider her a "work friend" but that you would not feel right being a beneficiary on her Will and that that privilege should go to a family member. I'm assuming she has no real friends other than her online friend. Tell her you appreciate she was there when you needed her but that this friendship has become too much for what you are comfortable with in a work mate and that you apologize for getting it started but you now feel it's necessary to stop talking about personal things at work.

 

If all that is too hard, then I think you have to go to management and let them know that she is trying to insinuate herself into your life to the point of saying she is going to will you her house on the condition you cut your husband off from your child which you have no intention of doing and that you are extremely uncomfortable with this and feel bad that she has no friends, but that she has become overbearing and that working with her, on top of trying to get through a divorce, is simply too much, but that you tried to hold on because the telecommute was so valuable to you during this hard time. Maybe they will find a way you can have the telecommute but not office with her. Maybe you can suggest getting on a shift opposite of hers or something creative like that. Ask if there's any way for you to be on opposite shifts, though I doubt that would stop her from hanging around. If they do go for separate shifts or work days, ask them to stipulate to her that neither of you are to be in the office except on the scheduled days.

[todreaminblue]

i would urge that you consider seriously not dropping this person as a friend......as you may be her only friend she has to reach out too....i know that she is hard work for you, i have met many rough and rugged people that others who love me, have been horrified i have befriended ro allowed in my home.........they are not bad people...just misunderstood.....i set my boundaries fairly early......i know what i am doing....

 

 

 

often the most rewarding friendships comes from places of effort and work, that you clearly define the friendship, your desire to complete all your tasks at work and give her a chance to comply to have a friend in you.......she may get upset at first......and go quiet ...but if she is a thinker she will come around......do not give up........not yet...that is my heartfelt advice........deb

[preraph]

I'm just wondering why they haven't just let her work from home because of her disability. That's where she wants to be, with her animals. And by the way, that bit about willing you the house so you live there is all about needing to know someone will take care of her animals when she's gone. I am alone and I worry about that all the time. I will have to pay someone to do it, I'm sure, but I will let them sell the house and keep the pets and if there's any money from the house.

 

It would be great if you could keep the office and she could go work from home.

[jackiecour]

Yes, a situation where she works completely from home would be ideal for her, but my office won't do that. I agree that if I alert management to the problem before telling her, then that would be hurtful to her.

 

The hard thing is there is still the obvious crush aspect. She frequently mentions my looks and youth in that gratuitous way that people do when they like you, and she overly shares like someone on the phone with a new love-interest. That doesn't bother me by itself at all. It's the anger that goes with it. She's an angry person.

 

Therefore she does not just want me to care for her animals, she basically wants me to be her and care for her animals while being the same person she is. And I am not. And I wish that she valued and respected who I am. She is very angry whenever I express the slightest opinion that I didn't know was different from hers. She'll make a comment that is just like a lover's spat when that happens, and abruptly leave the room.

 

Maybe I'll convey something to her like, "Hey, we are still friends and we're always going to be friends, obviously. I need to work now. When we start talking for too long, I'm just going to rudely interrupt you, OK?" And the next time she mentions her property or her will, I will tell her, "You know I thought about it, and I am so honored, but you don't want to will your property to me. I don't want to be tied to one place and I have other circumstances, so I'm willing to help any way I can, but your property should go to someone else. And frankly, I value our friendship too much and I don't want to do anything to disappoint you, so let's remove that dynamic."

[I am Bud]

Dear jackiecour

 

From the sounds of things her isolationist ways and attitude has not contributed to her social skills and it is obvious in the way that she interacts with you and others. She has got way too much anger and an overbearing attitude for anybody to take. She should consider herself lucky that she has you as a friend.

 

Being that you are on the verge of setting some boundaries you could also try to create a routine between you like for instance when you first arrive at the office, you can make yourself a tea or coffee and say "right for the next five or 10 minutes you have my undivided attention" however after that I'm going to concentrate on my work and you won't hear a peep out of me"....then after that you can say "shall we catch up again at 10 or 11am for a quick break"....

 

Once you have established some sort of timeline of when you are willing to interact with her put on your headphones and start listening to music or something. She will get the message soon enough. If she starts to become annoyed tell her "<her name>, I am your friend but if you want to continue to be my friend then you have to respect me as a person. It's the only way this is going to work. There is a time for us to have a chat in the morning but we are also hear to work. It's what we are paid to do. We have had our chat this morning so let's get back to work. We can have another chat at lunchtime or in the afternoon."

 

Another thing that you could do is give extremely short dead end answers like "yes" or "no". You are definitely right to refuse her property because taking into account her personality type, she may to use it as a verbal ball and chain to make you feel guilty if you see things her way. Being her friend and colleague is definitely challenging but you can do it with once you have laid some boundaries and ground rules.

 

All the best - Bud.

Edited September 9, 2014 by I am Bud

[preraph]

I think your plan is fair and professional (as much as you can be given how UNprofessional she's being.) The other thing is that by laying this out (and please write up what you told her on a dated log in case you need it later), you have fulfilled your obligation professionally and you have been more than generous about it. Now, if she throws a fit and does not respect these boundaries, as I suspect she will not, you need to write down what she says and at some point you will probably have to report her. She's way way out of line here. The company may just come around about sending her on home if you present them the situation (after you've tried to resolve it with her) because whatever rules they are afraid of breaking by giving a person with disabilities the opportunity to work from home are miniscule when compared to the potential lawsuit you have here where you are literally being bullied and abused and being sexually harassed in a hostile work environment. So don't say they won't do it because once you put it in perspective for them, they will know they have to do something.