How can we remain friends?

[achamb7]

I met this really great guy about 6 months ago, lets call him Bob. Physically we don't see each other very often but we exchanged many conversations since. I have had a boyfriend for almost 3 years long distance and I am trying to make it work. When I first met Bob we stayed up all night talking about our love lives and the world in general, it was the best conversation I had had in a while.

 

However.. recently I went up to see Bob and all my other friends where he lives. We had a great time like always but in my inebriated state I found myself sleeping in the same chair as him. This was not a bad thing, we were friends, it was cool. But then I woke to him touching my lower back in a way that I wasn't completely comfortable with.. I mean I have a boyfriend and Bob and I are just friends!! So I awkwardly got up and ended up leaving without saying bye..

 

Now I don't know when I'll see Bob again but I really don't want to leave things like that.. I don't even know if he was conscious enough to realize that he had done that.. What should I do to make sure we stay friends?

[Kaiten]

I am going to assume your goal (as far as relationships go) is monogamy.

 

As a man, I personally wouldn't like it if my girlfriend - especially of 3 years - had the best conversation she had in a while with another guy. Now granted, you and your bf are in a LDR, but still... a phonecall or skype or facetime. I'd want you to do that with me.

 

As far as I understand, one of the main purposes of a relationship is so we can have someone to share that "verbal intimacy" with. (Sorry, my word choice isn't so eloquent this evening). So if I may be so direct...who the f*ck is Bob to you? Just kidding, that's mean.

 

Anyway, having those conversations is communicating to Bob that you two have something. And why wouldn't it? This is normally the stage in a relationship where people want to "define" the relationship they have. Of course there are some people who just assume, though. (Like Bob did)

 

One of the mistakes we often make is succumbing to this feeling that we owe everyone an explanation. We don't. You don't have to tell Bob a damn thing, really. If he is a bright young man, then he will connect the dots. Like so:

 

She has a bf > I touched her ass > She got up and left > Why? > She has a bf

 

Now that I've said all that, most people in your predicament reply, "But ____ is my really good friend!!! Who will I have those conversations with? Who will I share those laughs or ____ with?"

 

The very simple answer is: Your actual significant other.

Edited September 3, 2014 by Kaiten

[cerridwen]

 

...Now I don't know when I'll see Bob again but I really don't want to leave things like that.. I don't even know if he was conscious enough to realize that he had done that.. What should I do to make sure we stay friends?

 

Tell him he touched you and it felt really uncomfortable--that's why you left without a goodbye.

 

Tell him you value the friendship but want to make it clear you're not looking for more, so if it was just an accident, "Ok, but lets not have another."

 

And mean it.

 

I agree with Kaiten.

The level of intimacy you're sharing with Bob comes with risks to your primary RL, especially since it's a LDR.

I'm in one too.

The distance can cause mind fu*kery.

So, I'm careful not to get too emotionally close or share too much with other men.

I save my private thoughts and neurosis for my poor fiance.

 

I'd also advise not putting yourself in situations that include Bob and alcohol.

Or sleeping over, for that matter. Just too risky.

 

Do you feel you can assert a solid boundary with Bob and stick to it?

If you can, do.

If you can't, and your LDR boyfriend is important, pull back from the friendship as a whole.

[noski]

I met this really great guy about 6 months ago, lets call him Bob. Physically we don't see each other very often but we exchanged many conversations since. I have had a boyfriend for almost 3 years long distance and I am trying to make it work. When I first met Bob we stayed up all night talking about our love lives and the world in general, it was the best conversation I had had in a while.

 

However.. recently I went up to see Bob and all my other friends where he lives. We had a great time like always but in my inebriated state I found myself sleeping in the same chair as him. This was not a bad thing, we were friends, it was cool. But then I woke to him touching my lower back in a way that I wasn't completely comfortable with.. I mean I have a boyfriend and Bob and I are just friends!! So I awkwardly got up and ended up leaving without saying bye..

 

Now I don't know when I'll see Bob again but I really don't want to leave things like that.. I don't even know if he was conscious enough to realize that he had done that.. What should I do to make sure we stay friends?

 

He must be aware of it or maybe think you were expecting him to make a move or something .

It must have been really awkward but I think you should address it and make it clear that you don't want to cross the friendship line but you can ask him about his intentions first maybe and let him now it's not possible.

[preraph]

I think no guy is usually immune to that and you sent the wrong message and that now if you're really worried about maintaining fidelity and not risking future complications, you might be wise to let Bob go. Apologize to him and don't expect him to let on he had his hopes up. But tell him you are a hundred percent invested in your relationship. And why not limit seeing him to inviting him to group things that include your man. In the meantime, tell him you need to scale back the texts, calls, etc.