Bipolar friend, potentially in manic phase... ?

[Standard-Fare]

I have a bipolar friend who to me seems to be going through a manic phase. I don't know enough about the disease to guess whether she's off her meds, or to know what to do.

 

Background, we are not terribly close. I would count her among my top 20 friends but not top 10, if that makes sense. We're both early 30s.

 

In the past week she's made some big purchases (including a kayak, when she's very new to that hobby), gotten a dramatic new haircut, and she's been on social media non-stop, including late at night. But what affects me personally:

 

She has infiltrated herself into this weekend trip she's not invited to. I mentioned to her in passing that I was going camping this weekend (with a group of friends she doesn't know). Long story short, without my direct encouragement she contacted the organizer of the trip (who she only knows through social media, via me) and asked to come. The organizer was weirded out and it put me in an awkward spot. But there was space so ultimately the organizer said yes.

 

Now I happen to know that she's purchased a lot of new camping gear, including a new tent, for this trip.

 

This behavior is not typical for her. She's normally pretty demure, considerate, and conservative in her spending.

 

I feel uncomfortable with the situation and I have no idea how to act around her this weekend. I also don't feel close enough to her to approach the delicate question of, "Is your mental health OK?"/ "Are you off your meds?"

 

Any thoughts?

[todreaminblue]

If i knew a person was new to a group or would feel a little bit out of the loop i would make very effort to introduce her to friends of mine.....i would introduce them and match some interests like hey bill, shirley loves kayaking she just bought a brand new one maybe you can tell her some good spots to go for a paddle i knwo you went last weekend.....not only do you show an interest in shirley and how comfortable she is but you recognise your friend bills interests or hey edna meet shirley she loves baking not all at once but over the days of the camp..... and make her feel at home as possible...your friend had guts to contact the organiser and if the organiser truly felt weirded out he probably wouldn't have let her come.....at no time should you single her being bipolar out...have a good time get to know her better reserve your judgement......you really dont know her at all....this is your chance .you will get to know the woman behind the illness...i hope you have fun......good luck....deb

[HeartDesires]

Yes, her behaviour is indicative of full-blown mania.

 

But why are YOU feeling uncomfortable and unsure how to act around her this weekend?

[todreaminblue]

Yes, her behaviour is indicative of full-blown mania.

 

But why are YOU feeling uncomfortable and unsure how to act around her this weekend?

 

 

or she could be an impulsive buyer.....deb

[Standard-Fare]

Yes, her behaviour is indicative of full-blown mania.

 

But why are YOU feeling uncomfortable and unsure how to act around her this weekend?

 

Because I'm the only person she knows on this trip, yet I didn't invite her. It's not like she's "coming with me."

 

Also I'm afraid her behavior will be erratic, given the recent trend.

[sdrawkcaB ssA]

I have lived with one and married into another...

 

Not that I am a glutton for punishment, just it is too complicated to explain my story. So here is a cliff note... Excuse the harshness, but sometimes you need to expect more to see what is going on around you. Believing love would turn them around... well, it is a bit more than that.

 

They will drive a man or woman mad, so be prepared to step aside from putting out all their fires, to keep from running down yer energies and loosing interest.

 

One expected a harsh man to show love through control. The other sees love though the material. Sex was just desire for them for the most part. So I picked very troubled women... All I can say is what I saw in them could have been spectacular, just they never saw it for themselves.

 

Just because you may see your love as strong as steel; She may see it as being quicksand beneath her feet.

 

It can be an on and off and back on type relationship, because it takes being away for bi-polar peeps to see what they want and are missing.

 

As long as meds are kept up and she has good balance with her life, there is no reason why she cannot change hair style or anything else with herself.

 

The sad part is you must work harder to keep the relationship going strong. Even being an energetic and optimistic person, their depression and bipolar ways will effect you. Just allow her to diverse with friends in confiding her issues. As you will find needing time away will keep you strong for her.

 

As for money... constant spending just makes it spiral. Try to get involved by finding things that you can do together on a budget. Find road trips to pick nick, get her mind elsewhere from her knot of thoughts. Believe me women have lots going on, bipolar women have double, as every wee thing has significance you may never see until it blows up in your face.

[Standard-Fare]

I just think she's straining this friendship to an unreasonable degree by inviting herself on this trip at a time when she's an emotional wreck. We have a pretty light, fun friendship... it doesn't have room for this type of baggage.

 

If I'd wanted her to come on the trip I obviously would have invited her. This is a group of people she doesn't know at all and I doubt she will mesh with. It was completely inappropriate for her invite herself without even checking with me. I'd back out of the trip myself if that woudn't be putting my other friends in such an awkward spot.

[amaysngrace]

Just go and have fun. I think you're stressing too much personally.

 

It's one freakin weekend. Anybody can suffer through anything for one weekend. And you don't even know if suffering is going to happen...you're just afraid it might.

 

Things like this make me so happy to have had such a colorful and tormented past...I never sweat the small stuff...

 

Anyway put her feelings before your own or stop referring to her as being a friend because trashing her behind her back yet calling her friend really contradict each other.

[preraph]

She does sound manic, but manic, for friends, is usually better than depressed. She could bottom out on this trip. I think you make it clear to the organizer that you are taking her on as a partner or showing her any special consideration since you did not invite her. And hope she stays manic so she'll spread herself around and talk to other people. Just go about your own business like you would have if she wasn't there. She tries to corner you about hanging together, tell her, Oh, no thanks, I'm hanging with so and so or "the person who invited me."

[Candy_Pants]

Act like yourself. I think it's incredibly rude to ask someone you aren't close to about their mental health. And extremely patronizing to say "are you off your meds". That question would be enough for me to go into a state of mania!!

 

My husband is bipolar. It doesn't help him if I question his mental health. Nor does it help if I project my opinions of his state of mind onto him. If you truly care, ask how she's doing. Ask what's new. Maybe she is just trying new things. Maybe she wants to have fun and be closer to you. Whatever it is, you being rude and awkward isn't going to help her or you.

[chelsea2011]

I just think she's straining this friendship to an unreasonable degree by inviting herself on this trip at a time when she's an emotional wreck. We have a pretty light, fun friendship... it doesn't have room for this type of baggage.

 

If I'd wanted her to come on the trip I obviously would have invited her. This is a group of people she doesn't know at all and I doubt she will mesh with. It was completely inappropriate for her invite herself without even checking with me. I'd back out of the trip myself if that woudn't be putting my other friends in such an awkward spot.

 

She has a mental disorder and is off her meds so she isn't aware she's off her rocker at the moment. ignore her and just have fun. Not much else you can do.

[todreaminblue]

She has a mental disorder and is off her meds so she isn't aware she's off her rocker at the moment. ignore her and just have fun. Not much else you can do.

 

 

yeahhhhhh ignore the person who is a little different lets make her feel as unwanted as possible she is off her meds can you believe it she bought a kayak the nerve of her to spend money frivolously gossip gossip gossip.she is off her rocker snicker snicker.......she must be crazy avoid her like the plague........im sorry is this highschool 101...rude behavior..ignorant self serving isolation of another ...really rude behavior by normal people or so called normal people, is more intolerable than a person with a mental illness...........pffft....deb

Edited August 30, 2014 by todreaminblue

[whichwayisup]

I just think she's straining this friendship to an unreasonable degree by inviting herself on this trip at a time when she's an emotional wreck. We have a pretty light, fun friendship... it doesn't have room for this type of baggage.

 

If I'd wanted her to come on the trip I obviously would have invited her. This is a group of people she doesn't know at all and I doubt she will mesh with. It was completely inappropriate for her invite herself without even checking with me. I'd back out of the trip myself if that woudn't be putting my other friends in such an awkward spot.

 

Lesson learned now. Don't tell her in details what you are doing in your spare time/weekends etc.

 

Have some compassion..Yes, she shouldn't have invited herself along, but what's done is done...Don't feel uncomfortable. Have a fun time, keep things light and whatever you do, don't bring up her mania and how she's been acting. If she does something of course, then possibly you may need to bring it up but if she is having a fun time, let it go.

 

Let the person running the trip know what happened, but tell the person in a respectful way. Not that she just invited herself and it's making you feel weird. Give a heads up about your friends condition, just so some are aware of her mindset.

[whichwayisup]

She has a mental disorder and is off her meds so she isn't aware she's off her rocker at the moment. ignore her and just have fun. Not much else you can do.

 

Yes, she can be courteous and friendly. She doesn't have spend every waking hour with her friend, but ignoring her is just a cruel thing to do. Would you ignore someone who had cancer? MS or ALS? If no, then why is it okay to ignore someone who is having a tough time mentally. Excluding someone isn't nice, excluding someone who is on the trip ON purpose is mean.

[whichwayisup]

I just think she's straining this friendship to an unreasonable degree by inviting herself on this trip at a time when she's an emotional wreck. We have a pretty light, fun friendship... it doesn't have room for this type of baggage.

 

If I'd wanted her to come on the trip I obviously would have invited her. This is a group of people she doesn't know at all and I doubt she will mesh with. It was completely inappropriate for her invite herself without even checking with me. I'd back out of the trip myself if that woudn't be putting my other friends in such an awkward spot.

 

I have a bipolar friend who to me seems to be going through a manic phase. I don't know enough about the disease to guess whether she's off her meds, or to know what to do.

 

Okay you don't know for sure if she has gone off her meds. You don't really know her mental state as you've not seen her face to face or talked to her. You see stuff online and assuming she's mentally off.

 

Also, re reading, she's a 'fun and light' friend so really it isn't your business to ask her about her mental health issues. Since you don't want that type of baggage in your life, then maybe you need to really distance yourself from her. It's okay, not everybody can handle a friendship with someone who suffers from mental illness. Just don't treat her differently like she's a leper.

[Ronni_W]

Because I'm the only person she knows on this trip, yet I didn't invite her. It's not like she's "coming with me."

 

Also I'm afraid her behavior will be erratic, given the recent trend.

You are correct. You are not responsible for nor did you have any control over her being there. She is ONLY there because the organizer of the event okayed it.

 

If you want or feel the need to distance yourself, then that is what you tell anyone and everyone who may ask you about your involvement: "Go talk to the organizer. I have nothing to do with her being on this trip. I'm not in charge of nor do I have any control over her behaviour. I do have a prior relationship with her, and I did mention my own plans but that is all."

 

*IF* you are interested/concerned enough about her mental health, then make that a separate thing...invite her for coffee, or try to raise your concerns with someone who is closer to her. Even though you care, it does not mean that you must take responsibility.

[preraph]

I agree it would be out of line to talk to her about her mental health. You're not that close. But you don't have to let her entrap you on this deal either. Honestly, that behavior of going behind your back to get invited, if that's really what she did, isn't about her being bipolar. It's just bad form. Yes, buying all that crap sounds manic. For what it's worth, I've found manic people to be fun as long as they're up and hellish when they're not. A good friend of mine was that way and I didn't often have to see the dark side because she didn't want me to. And I remain someone who can help get her out of the dark side, but she mostly knows the triggering event has to be spectacular and genuinely deserve sympathy to come to me for the unconditional love and support.

[Standard-Fare]

OK, everyone, chill out, I didn't mean I would literally ask her: "Are you off your meds?" Of course I'm not that crass. I just wondered whether I should question her about what's going on/is everything OK.

 

I am actually on the camping trip right now, posting from my phone, and it's not a disaster. There's been a few awkward moments with her, and her energy doesn't quite fit with the group, but it's tolerable. So it's fine. I'm just going to be a little more wary w/her from now on.

[preraph]

Glad it didn't ruin your trip. Now turn off the electronics and enjoy nature.

[whichwayisup]

I just wondered whether I should question her about what's going on/is everything OK.

 

No because as you said she has emotional baggage and you may not want to be that friend to her, someone who she can call and rely on when she needs help. You two are 'fun' friends, not close and not personal. Unless you want to become closer to her, I wouldn't go there. Just keep things light and fun/humoured.

[Standard-Fare]

No because as you said she has emotional baggage and you may not want to be that friend to her, someone who she can call and rely on when she needs help. You two are 'fun' friends, not close and not personal. Unless you want to become closer to her, I wouldn't go there. Just keep things light and fun/humoured.

 

That's definitely a good call.

 

I learned this weekend that she's going through some drama in a romantic relationship... it sounds like bad news all around. I talked with her about it some, but deliberately kept it pretty superficial. Some other girls on the trip went deeper with her but I removed myself from the convo. I definitely don't want to play that role here.