Is she a bad friend?

[Pocahontas]

I've been best friends with this girl since we were 3 years old (we're 21 now). We were really really close until we were 17, when I got pregnant. I told her and she told me she was very disappointed in me and then told everyone on her fb. This caused some if her friends to message me and tell me how much of a bad friend I was. I don't really understand this because all I did was get pregnant! We didn't speak for around 7 months until she texted me and told me she missed me. I thought ok, I'll need friends when I have a baby so I'll give her another chance. Things seemed well until about two years later when i told her i was upset because my daughters father (who was not involved with our daughter) had gotten another girl pregnant but was staying with her and helped her get an abortion. Instead of saying something friendly she just said 'i don't believe in abortion'. I told her that I didn't care about that I was upset about him. She then started an argument on how I shouldn't moan at her for my problems. We didn't speak for a few months and then she just texted me and we started talking like old times. We were ok until she started dating a boy who I thought changed her. She was acting quite stuck up and like one of those popular girls in an American school movie. I told her this and said if she didn't stop acting horrible to me then I didn't want to be friends anymore. Her exact reply was "lol". So I deleted her number and we didn't speak for about a year. I saw her in a shop and I was planning on ignoring her and acting like I didn't see her, I thought she would do the same. Instead she came up to me and hugged me, saying she hadn't seen me for a while, asked for my number and said shed text me. I didn't want to cause a scene in the middle of the shop do gave her my number and left. She texted me saying hi half an hour later.

 

That was about six months ago and I haven't been completely emerged in the who best friends thing because I expected problems again. So last week I told her I was having some anxiety problems due to my daughters father (you can read this in the coping section 'Terrified of my Ex'). I told her I needed help but was too scared to go to the doctors so wanted to talk to her about it first. She told me it was silly that I was scared. I told her how I wanted him to be her dad and her exact reply was "well, you should have let him see her in a controlled environment instead of not letting him". I asked her why she thought this and told her that I'd never stopped him from seeing our child. She then said she thought he had met her once, I told her he hadn't and she didn't reply to me. We didn't speak for a week until she told me she was going in holiday to London, 2 days ago. Today I told her I saw my ex in a shop, she replied awww. I expected her ask what happened but she didn't. I didn't know what to say next so waited for her to say something else. An hour later she said how much she hated her uncle for not liking her boyfriend! Her 'boyfriend' being a man 10 years older then her, she met over fb, lives in London, only met once last week.

 

Is she a bad friend? Or am I? I am so confused at what to do, we've been friends for nearly 20 years and I don't know what to do.

Edited August 18, 2014 by Pocahontas
Sorry for some bad spelling, I wanted to get advice for this quickly so rushed it a bit.

[preraph]

I think you two are on diverging paths now. That happens with childhood friends. Maybe sometime in the future you'll be on the same page again. But right now, you're a single mother and she's still carefree. Your comment about "I'll need friends when I have a baby" sounds not only self-serving but unrealistic.

 

A girlfriend of mine got pregnant before she was out of high school and I definitely wasn't happy with her. "All I did was have a baby." Well, having a baby is the biggest thing you can do that changes everything in your life, including your relationships with others. It usually terminates any personal progress you would have been making in pursuing a career. If having a baby was your dream, then that's fine, but I'm guessing more planning should have gone into it so you could be independent and care for the child yourself without struggling. She knew you didn't have adequate financial or support to be having a baby and it made her mad. We hate to see our friends making self-defeating choices.

 

As far as are you both bad friends, well, you both disapprove of the other's choices. Old friends are vocal about that, I get it, but considering your relationship with her has been on the rocks for some time, probably best if you both just maintain a polite but more distant friendship now so as not to step on each other's toes. I'm guessing the reason she commented she didn't like it when you "moan to her" about your problems is because she told you at the time you were making a mistake and you did it anyway. So now she has to listen to the fallout.

[SpiralOut]

Your friend has no empathy. Even if she disagrees with your life choices, she should care about your feelings, but she doesn't.

 

 

She sounds very full of herself. You try and tell her how you feel and all she has to say is "lol." That's not something that a caring friend says. I think that a good friend would feel horrified at the idea of losing a friendship that means something to them. Even if she feels she is doing nothing wrong, you'd think she would at least defend herself to you, or provide an explanation, or say something to try and work things out.

 

She sounds like a fair-weather friend, not a best friend.

[Pocahontas]

Your comment about "I'll need friends when I have a baby" sounds not only self-serving but unrealistic.

 

I don't think this was a unrealistic comment, I know I would be able to cope with things a lot better if I had at least one good friend. Everyone deserves to have a friend, even single parents.

 

This friend had a pregnancy scare before me and has had two since I had my child but I've stuck by her through these, without judging. I understand she might be upset but to leave your 'best friend' when she gets pregnant and allow your friends to bully her just because she got pregnant? I don't think that's a good friendship. She knew I loved children, I wasn't too upset about getting pregnant and at the time I had a good amount of money to support us. I live in England and we finish school at 16, after that we either get a job or go to college and study more. She knew i didn't really want to go to college and only did so because i couldn't decide on a career. She didn't tell me anything about making a mistake, she knew my daughters father and liked him.

 

Even if she thought I was ruining my life surely, she would have know her leaving would make things worse? If it was the other way round (she had gotten pregnant instead of me), I would have stuck by and never have left her to cope by herself.

[darkmoon]

she is not saying what you hope for, just coming out with whatever, you know what she is like, and what to expect

 

if you can handle and/or accept how she is, fine, or just loosen your bond, be busy, less responsive, less obliged to drop everything for her, if she phones, just reply if/when bored, like that, just chat now and again

Edited August 19, 2014 by darkmoon

[michellew]

A girlfriend of mine got pregnant before she was out of high school and I definitely wasn't happy with her. "All I did was have a baby." Well, having a baby is the biggest thing you can do that changes everything in your life, including your relationships with others. It usually terminates any personal progress you would have been making in pursuing a career. If having a baby was your dream, then that's fine, but I'm guessing more planning should have gone into it so you could be independent and care for the child yourself without struggling. She knew you didn't have adequate financial or support to be having a baby and it made her mad. We hate to see our friends making self-defeating choices.

 

I have to disagree with everything here. Sure, your friends can be DISAPPOINTED in you for getting pregnant, but to be flat out mad is ridiculous. I'd be upset with a friend who was sleeping with my boyfriend, talking about me behind my back, stealing from me, etc. Yes, having a baby changes your life, but YOU are the only one who is truly affected by it. Your friends can continue to live their lives as planned, but YOU are the one dealing with this big responsibility. A true friend would support you, not bring you down or say 'I told you so'. You don't need a friend who would be anything less.

 

As a mother who got pregnant at a young age as well (17), all I can say is that you learn who your true friends are very quickly. Fortunately for me, I have kept most of the close friendships I had when my son was born 17 years ago. Any friend who does not believe in you and thinks that your "personal progress towards pursuing a career" is now over is NOT a true friend. Statistically speaking, your chances are now lower, but not impossible. As soon as I found out I was pregnant, I did everything in my power NOT to become a statistic. I was determined to build a nice life for my son and I. I graduated from high school a semester early, began college that spring (while 6 months pregnant), graduated and was a classroom teacher within 5 years. By age 23, I had accomplished more than my childless peers...all while working full-time without any child support from my son's absent, deadbeat father. Four years later, I got my master's degree and am now a very successful district administrator. I'm not condoning teenage pregnancy and it was definitely hard to get where I am, but I truly believe my son was a blessing in disguise. He pushed me and motivated me to succeed.

 

OP, the only thing you need to focus on right now is your daughter, not your friend. I'm sorry you are going in different directions after being friends for so long, but the only thing that matters right now is your daughter. Friends will come and go, she will be around forever.

Edited August 20, 2014 by michellew

[Sugarkane]

I'm having the same problem. Having a child isn't a death sentence. I still go outside everyday because otherwise I'd go nuts in the apartment.