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Friend says she can't give me what I need


ThursdayChild

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ThursdayChild

Hi everyone

 

 

Can I please get some advice?

 

 

I had a friend recently tell me that she cares for me but really needs to keep our friendship at a distance. She accused me of needing far too much from a friendship and more attention than she is able to give me.

 

 

Funny thing is she is all buddy buddy with mutual friends of ours no problem.

 

 

I am feeling very hurt and angry over this.

What do you all think I should do?

 

 

Thanks a lot everyone

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What are you putting into this relationship, that she isn't? What are you hoping for? Do you have an 'ulterior motive'? Do you secretly wish to push this friendship up into a different level of closeness?

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whichwayisup
Hi everyone

 

 

Can I please get some advice?

 

 

I had a friend recently tell me that she cares for me but really needs to keep our friendship at a distance. She accused me of needing far too much from a friendship and more attention than she is able to give me.

 

Funny thing is she is all buddy buddy with mutual friends of ours no problem.

 

 

I am feeling very hurt and angry over this.

What do you all think I should do?

 

 

Thanks a lot everyone

 

Bolded. Why do you think she feels that way towards you? Is it possible you rely on her too much? How different is your friendship with her compared to other friends you have.

 

Your mutual friend may have a more relaxed and lighter friendship with her, just different that the one you have with her.

 

What is it that you're hoping to happen with her?

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I had a friend recently tell me that she cares for me but really needs to keep our friendship at a distance. She accused me of needing far too much from a friendship and more attention than she is able to give me.

That you interpreted it as an "accusation" against you, points to part of the problem that she was trying to help you understand. She was, in fact, telling you something about herself...her feelings, her limits, that her resources are being over-taxed by you. It's a difficult lesson...but she really gave it in a very kind and caring way.

 

Unfortunately, you didn't hear her or understand that she's feeling drained, depleted. She was taking care of her own needs and setting some healthy boundaries for herself. Your thread title also suggests that your expectations for (demands on) this relationship outweighed what the other person can give...has the capacity, wisdom, expertise, time to give to you...without compromising her own emotional resources and ability to pursue what she enjoys, wants out of life.

 

The reasons her other friendships are working also for her most likely are around there being a balance of give-and-take, and they're not just looking to her or expecting her to "give them what they need"...whenever, however and however much they need.

 

SHE has needs also...and it sounds as if she feels/felt that these are/were not being taken into consideration/proper account by you.

 

If this makes sense, you can tell her that you're beginning to understand her feelings and thank her for her gentle honesty. (She could have just started ignoring you, or said that you're inconsiderate, selfish, etc...but she did not do anything like that.) Ask if she's willing to help you try to change the relationship to something more equitable and, if so, what she would want and need out of the 'new' friendship, and to let you know if/when you slip-up in the future.

Edited by Ronni_W
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She is setting boundaries with you, and she's doing it in a nice way.

 

Her other friends probably understand her need for space already, so with them, she doesn't need to worry about giving them the wrong idea. With you, she can tell that you want more, so she needs to be more careful.

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Down to the nuts and bolts. She doesn't want to be close friends with you. You need to not go demanding why and trying to get further explanation and trying to convince her you can change. You need to just leave her alone. Stop contacting her and see if she will spontaneously contact you. If not, she was trying to break off the friendship in the nicest way possible. It may be you; it may be her; it may be you and her and your dynamics together. Just let her go and move on.

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Put some distance in your relationship with her. She's not the nicest person.

 

How does stating one's boundaries make them not a nice person?

I agree with the PP's who say she was being very nice, and very clear. Her boundaries need to be respected. I used to expect way too much from my friends and then realized I am not an infant, and they are not my parents. They can only offer what they can and it's up to us as adults to take it or leave it. This woman has a right to be friends with whom she chooses, and how close she chooses. Best of luck OP!

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