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How to deal with gossipy judgemental friends?


catherine1

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Okay so, I have these 2 friends who are sisters and ive known them since we were around 7 years old, although we have lost touch once during the years due to going to different schools/living in different areas. One of my friends went through some personal issues regarding her partner leaving her very sceptical of men, however I now find her to be a colder person.

 

She is constantly talking about other people, even a mutual friend of ours, always being judgemental of her and backstabbing her despite seeing her on a regular basis. A few weeks back I made the mistake of telling this friend that I had bumped into a guy I know, and we headed out for the evening, got a bit drunk & ended up having sex. At first she wasn't too judgemental, but hearing how I hooked up twice with this guy she asks "what are you two...bed buddies" to which I said "probably yes" and I automatically sensed a hostility. The last two times ive seen her ive had the same attitude from her.

 

This guy happens to be Asian, and she gave me a lecture about how blonde girls like myself are viewed if they go with an Asian man, her & her sister made a few racist remarks, saying about him smelling! he is vile etc. They told me to finish university and meet a man when I am in a good job, I don't plan on getting into a relationship with this guy, I admit it was drunken sex and I am calling a holt on it to focus on my studies and career. However, despite this, I was upset with how my friends became standoffish with me, not their selves. They are no angels either, and I am the "good one" out of the bunch, they too have had casual sex before. They told me I was quiet on a night out, and I get like this when a man is on the scene, there is no man on the scene...im not in a relationship or dating!

 

I was a bit down due to other matters. They have said how I shouldn't degrade myself by going with an Asian guy, and that they don't want their friend going with one, and that any men in our city wont want to know me if they discover I have been with one. I am sickened, have we not moved on so much from such views? my grades fell last time I was in a relationship so I can understand their concern in that respect, but I don't appreciate their bitchy and backstabbing, not to mention racist behaviour! I really don't feel like seeing my friends until I have calmed down, I just hope they aren't going to be like this to me again! Im confused as to why theyre being off with me? is it due to this guy? or because I wasn't "myself" the past couple of times. It just seems as though my friend gossips and feeds her sister information and they gang up.

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Being friends with sisters can be tricky as you will always be the odd one out as they have a biological connection which you don't. If I were you I would consider a few things;

 

 

1. Are they really the kind of people you want to be around at this stage of your life? - Really have a think about this one, just because you've known them since you were 7 doesn't mean you need to be friends with them now. Its only natural that overtime friendships change.

 

 

2. Are they really coming from a place of love? - By this I mean are they really happy that you are doing so well in school and that you have the possibility of being in a happy relationship (even if it isn't the Asian guy) or are they the kind of friends that want to be in a better position to you so they can look down at you and make you fell horrible about yourself?

 

 

3. Are they jealous of you? - This is kind of related to the above 2 questions. Only you can look back at the conversations you've had and think about this.

 

 

In the meantime if you do continue to have a friendship with these girls, don't tell them everything. Maybe they are not the kind of friends you share everything with just small things that can not come back to hurt you in the future.

 

 

Good luck

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Being friends with sisters can be tricky as you will always be the odd one out as they have a biological connection which you don't. If I were you I would consider a few things;

 

 

1. Are they really the kind of people you want to be around at this stage of your life? - Really have a think about this one, just because you've known them since you were 7 doesn't mean you need to be friends with them now. Its only natural that overtime friendships change.

 

 

2. Are they really coming from a place of love? - By this I mean are they really happy that you are doing so well in school and that you have the possibility of being in a happy relationship (even if it isn't the Asian guy) or are they the kind of friends that want to be in a better position to you so they can look down at you and make you fell horrible about yourself?

 

 

3. Are they jealous of you? - This is kind of related to the above 2 questions. Only you can look back at the conversations you've had and think about this.

 

 

In the meantime if you do continue to have a friendship with these girls, don't tell them everything. Maybe they are not the kind of friends you share everything with just small things that can not come back to hurt you in the future.

 

 

Good luck

Thank you so much for your reply, your point of them trying to make me feel horrible about myself is one which rings very true. I feel she does this to put people down, she used to backstab yet now seems to be saying to mine and others faces. I don't need every pinnacle of my life to be judged by her, I will now be very wary of these girls as they will drag me down, we clearly don't have the same maturity levels.

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Well, I wouldn't associate with gossipy judgmental people, much less have them as friends.

 

Since you find yourself in this situation maybe you should get new friends.

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Painful lesson I've learned---Anyone who will gossip TO you...

Will also gossip about you.

 

I"d be very careful about confiding in people who behave that way--

There's a good chance you'll end up being the one with a knife in your back some day.

 

It's possible that you've outgrown these friends---it seems like you don't share similar values with them.. And they're leaving you feeling judged, & looked down upon. That's NOT friendship---that's treating you like fodder..

 

It might be a wise idea, to start looking for friends whose values are alignment with your own. (for example--find people who don't make ugly racial statements..)

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I was a bit down due to other matters. They have said how I shouldn't degrade myself by going with an Asian guy, and that they don't want their friend going with one, and that any men in our city wont want to know me if they discover I have been with one.

 

I should think the primary concern of any decent, intelligent man would be that you hang around with people like these girls.

 

I am sickened, have we not moved on so much from such views?

 

Well, your friends haven't. I should have thought that their behaviour is good grounds for giving out a very strong message about the behaviour of theirs that you find unacceptable. Kill two birds with one stone:

 

1. You address their racism

2. You show them that judgementalism can be a two way street, so maybe they should think twice about finger wagging at you.

 

Im confused as to why theyre being off with me? is it due to this guy? or because I wasn't "myself" the past couple of times. It just seems as though my friend gossips and feeds her sister information and they gang up.

 

They've shown you what sort of people they are, with the comments they've made. Do you honestly expect any fairness from them?

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listen to them but don't feed them with your privacy. what ever you hear from them use to laugh while you in bath.

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