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Having psychological problems with a friend talking/hanging out with another friend.


PuppetLife

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So this is the same problem that have been concerning me for an extremely long time. I have two really close friends, and they are really close with each other too. The problem with me is that I get jealous when they are together. Rather they are taking pictures, hanging out without me, or even just talking on Facebook. Although I hang out and do things with them separately too, I just can't stand them doing ANYTHING without me. I know I'm not the centre of the friendship and I know this is not normal at all. I keep telling myself that it's OK, and I don't have to feel this way, because friends can hang out with whoever they want and I can still be their friends, if they exclude me all the time or talk behind my back, then maybe they aren't good friends, but hanging out separately really isn't a problem. I know some people are going to tell me that I need to expand my friendship circle, but I already did. But these two friends of mine are driving me nuts. And it's only the two of them, if they hang out with other people, or if my other friends hangout with them, I don't mind. At least not so jealous that I feel like I'm out of my mind. But when the two of them do things together, it just make me so insecure.Can someone please help me? And what can I do to stop this uncomfortable feeling and thought?

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I guess your hard wired to think of you the three of you as the 3 Amigos. If I were you. I would just let them be. Maybe defriend them off FB if it bothers you that much.

 

I think that the way out of this problem is for you to develop other hobbies and just hang out with other friends and not focus on why they click without you.

 

I have lots of friends. Some that hang without me. For some reason I don't care.

Edited by Mysterio
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People will have a special friend they're best friends with and those two are best friends. Your jealousy sounds more like a spurned lover thing, so what's up? Get new best friends.

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i know this question sounds a little weird, but i know there's nothing beyond friendship in our relationship. I understand everything that happens in this situation. I know there's nothing i can do about it, i know they are best friends and i'm just one of their friends. But what i can't do is to get over it. I can't control myself being upset and i'm just really tired of having all these negative feelings. I want to get rid of it so badly, i can't even explain how i feel!

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Lernaean_Hydra

I had a friend like this. She'd get extremely jealous/possessive...she always got upset when I started dating someone and we were hanging ut less and went so far as to fix things so that certain people wouldn't like me and she'd be my only friend with a group.

 

Um, I hate to say it but in a word, she's psychotic. Okay, maybe that's a bit harsh but either way, she's incredibly mentally unstable, selfish and insecure. If you can't handle your friends hanging out and having a good time without you, I think it's time for you to maybe take a step back from the friendship altogether and do some serious soul searching.

 

Unfortunately, there is no magic wand anyone can wave to make your irrational feelings go away nor any quick fix solution they can give.

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PuppetLife, you probably need to go find out what's motivating these intense feelings and talk to a psycholgist. You may find out it's any number of things that can be dealt with. For example, it could be abandonment issues from a childhood neglect; it could be an anxiety disorder that could possibly be eased with medication for anxiety. I really think you ought to go seek professional counseling and get tested to find out what exactly is causing this. Good luck.

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i know they are best friends and i'm just one of their friends.

Use what you already know and accept, to help you gain and keep control over your feelings.

One way is: the next time you find yourself getting upset over this, ask yourself, "Puppet...why on earth are you getting upset over two best friends acting like two best friends??? What's so wrong with them just being who they are to each other, with each other? What do you think they have that you're missing and, more importantly, where can you find it without trying to rain on the beautiful friendship between these two?"

 

You just have to keep applying your intellect and logic...the more questions you ask yourself, the deeper your mind will take you into the underlying stuff, the root cause of your envy. (Not that you're necessarily an envious or a jealous person...only that these two are bringing that out in you.)

 

Hugs and best.

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Exclusion is never a good feeling, especially if it's two close friends going all BFF without you. You sense them getting closer with each other and not with you, and it's making you anxious. Maybe you fear losing one or both of them, maybe you fear they'll just block you out altogether. I don't think this is something that's so terribly uncommon with particularly emotional/close friendships.

 

As for what to do about it...that's the hard part. Maybe you could try emotionally distancing yourself? If that's possible? Something like slightly cutting into the ties so that they don't hold so much power and investment for you.

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todreaminblue

third wheel syndrome....when i go out with a couple of friends and i have done this both of them dont dance they just drink ....so i would often end up dancing by myself....but never for long i have had couples join me, ask if they can dance with me...i have had women join me and i have had men join me...i have also been brave and asked if i can dance with others....mainly women though........you have to be open to making new friends if you are a third wheel..do your own thang.....i am not a jealous person i am just happy to be tagging along when i do.....i find fun....smilin.....and facebook is a demon if it always makes you unhappy..deb

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If I were you. I would just make new friends and don't be locked in to being on a regular basis with anyone. As long as you talk to them once or twice a month or every second month. That is good enough. Sometimes we have to give people a break.

 

For example. I am single right now. I am able to go to dinner or the movies or a club that has live bands by myself. I don't every feel lonely or strange for doing so. I have friends that I could try to coax to go out with me. I just don't try to force things along.

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  • 3 weeks later...
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I did. I recently made some new friends, and tried to stop being sensitive. But I just can't. Even if one of them mention the others name during a conversation, i feel like something is wrong. It's like i want them to not be friends, and make me the centre of the friendship. But i know that's not right. I mean, who am I to even want this to happen. But like, when they chat, or see each other, it just make me crazy. I feel so pathetic. Like, what is wrong with me? I want to stop this nonsense so badly, but i just don't know what to do any more.

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Puppetlife, who in your early years wasn't there as much as you needed them and was often distracted, taking attention away from you?

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no one. I mean my parents were busy with work, but i never felt upset about it. I don't think i was ignored or anything, they were all there when i needed.

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And what about siblings? This has to have come from somewhere is why I'm probing. So when is the very first time you remember feeling this way? What was going on specifically with the friend or whoever you were jealous over, and then what was going on in general in your life when this started?

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So this is the same problem that have been concerning me for an extremely long time. I have two really close friends, and they are really close with each other too. The problem with me is that I get jealous when they are together. Rather they are taking pictures, hanging out without me, or even just talking on Facebook. Although I hang out and do things with them separately too, I just can't stand them doing ANYTHING without me. I know I'm not the centre of the friendship and I know this is not normal at all. I keep telling myself that it's OK, and I don't have to feel this way, because friends can hang out with whoever they want and I can still be their friends, if they exclude me all the time or talk behind my back, then maybe they aren't good friends, but hanging out separately really isn't a problem. I know some people are going to tell me that I need to expand my friendship circle, but I already did. But these two friends of mine are driving me nuts. And it's only the two of them, if they hang out with other people, or if my other friends hangout with them, I don't mind. At least not so jealous that I feel like I'm out of my mind. But when the two of them do things together, it just make me so insecure.Can someone please help me? And what can I do to stop this uncomfortable feeling and thought?

 

Write down your reasons why you think you're jealous. Maybe you feel insecure that one day they will prefer each other and exclude you/end the friendship? Are you worried they talk behind your back? Is this something from your past/childhood? Feeling left out or your parents treated you a certain way that made you feel insecure?

 

Try a different outlook. Tell yourself to be happy when they hang out. That they are having fun. That just like when you hang out with them one on one, it's fun and positive.

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I did. I recently made some new friends, and tried to stop being sensitive. But I just can't. Even if one of them mention the others name during a conversation, i feel like something is wrong. It's like i want them to not be friends, and make me the centre of the friendship. But i know that's not right. I mean, who am I to even want this to happen. But like, when they chat, or see each other, it just make me crazy. I feel so pathetic. Like, what is wrong with me? I want to stop this nonsense so badly, but i just don't know what to do any more.

 

This screams that you feel left out. They are 'best friends' and you're "just" a friend to them.

 

Accept that. It's okay to have just good friendships. Maybe they have more in common, have the exact same humour.

 

If I were you, I'd get myself to counseling to figure this out so it won't happen over and over again, especially as you get older. There has to be a deep reason why you feel this way...Counseling/therapy can help you figure it out and also teach you how to cope with it, change your ways of thinking and processing this.

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Puppet. I think that you should just walk away from the situation. There are some friends that click better together than they do with others. They are each others best friend. Thats just a fact. I would not bother siting down to figure out why. They are just probably ignorant of you and thats what bothers you.

 

Leave it alone and focus on other things. I don't see even if you get the answers you seek. How is it going to better your life.

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If i recall correctly the first time I felt this way was in a really long holiday and I got nothing to do, no friends no hang out with. And then, whenever these two friends aren't replying to my messages, I suspect that they are hanging out without me. This is the beginning of this problem, and I think this happened last year in November or December. And well, I think I'm jealous about the fact that they are such close and good friends, and yes, I'm definitely worried that they talk behind my back. Because well, they have done it so many times before, and they just believe whatever each other said. They don’t even bother to ask me if it’s true or not. Oh, and maybe it’s because they used to be so close, they were best friends. And during the “best-friend” period, I was made fun of by them often. I would actually call it insulting. But to them it was just jokes, and I'm the person with problems because I can’t take any “jokes”. And even now, when the two get together, and I'm with them, it still happens. Just not as often as they used to. But when it’s just one of them, they are amazing friends.

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But i don't know how can i just walk away from it. Even if i focus on other things, i can't stop thinking. The problem just keeps popping back into my mind.

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Puppet. It will pass. I was into a woman last year. We went out had a great date. It never went anywhere. It bothered me for about 2 months and then I let the emotional vice grip go.

 

Although in your sitiation is a friendship. There is no point in investigating why you feel off with them. Make new friends and hobbies. Call and see them less. It will eventually pass and in a year or so. You won't care if you seem them or not.

 

I accept that certain friends I will never be best friends with. I don't need to be every ones BFF all the time. I think that if you stay agitated. Its going to ruin your life. Its feeding negative behavior.

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If i recall correctly the first time I felt this way was in a really long holiday and I got nothing to do, no friends no hang out with. And then, whenever these two friends aren't replying to my messages, I suspect that they are hanging out without me. This is the beginning of this problem, and I think this happened last year in November or December. And well, I think I'm jealous about the fact that they are such close and good friends, and yes, I'm definitely worried that they talk behind my back. Because well, they have done it so many times before, and they just believe whatever each other said. They don’t even bother to ask me if it’s true or not. Oh, and maybe it’s because they used to be so close, they were best friends. And during the “best-friend” period, I was made fun of by them often. I would actually call it insulting. But to them it was just jokes, and I'm the person with problems because I can’t take any “jokes”. And even now, when the two get together, and I'm with them, it still happens. Just not as often as they used to. But when it’s just one of them, they are amazing friends.

 

Maybe this comes with age, but I hope you get to a point soon, that you need to CUT toxic people out of your life. Those who don't have your back, who are talk behind your back, make fun of you. Why on earth would you want people like that in your life? They disrespect you and puppet, you disrespect yourself by continuing to have them in your life.

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What WWIU said. It is very normal to feel sensitive around two people who treated you badly. They have issues, not you because they chose to be mean. Anyone normal sane person would feel exactly like you if they were in your shoes. You're only issue is that you allow them to remain in your life. They are minimizing your feelings instead of looking at how their actions impacted how you feel around them.

 

Make a pact with yourself to start removing people from your life that don't respect your feelings and treat you badly. Distance yourself from them and start hanging out with the friends who you connect with on a positive level and who do care about your feelings. Once you do that those feelings of insecurity will go away. They will go away because the people who are causing them aren't around you anymore. It's okay to move away from friendships that make you feel bad about yourself.

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They've both earned your distrust. I'm just not sure either of them are really good friends, but I know what you mean about them being nicer when it's just you and one of them one on one. But together, they're bullies. Separately, too cowardly to bully you. They just aren't very good quality friends and they don't deserve the worry you have put into this -- and remember, you worrying about it will change nothing. Girls like this and bullies in general smell weakness and insecurity, so the more you fret, the longer you perpetuate the problem. I would just be trying to make new friends not connected with either of them and NOT ever introduce them either so you can be free to disconnect sometime in the future.

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