Do people pull away if I am a hermit?

[Darren2013]

Is it generally true that people will pull away from me if I give them the impression that I have no interest in social interaction with them? In other words if I enjoy living like a hermit and I turn down friend's invitations to hang out then at some point most people get turned off and stop inviting me? Generally most people are not going to attempt to force interaction down my throat if I act like I'm not interested in socializing?

[mrs rubble]

Is it generally true that people will pull away from me if I give them the impression that I have no interest in social interaction with them? In other words if I enjoy living like a hermit and I turn down friend's invitations to hang out then at some point most people get turned off and stop inviting me? Generally most people are not going to attempt to force interaction down my throat if I act like I'm not interested in socializing?

Yes. I have a friend like this, she intermittantly complains to me that noone cares about her or invites her anywhere...she doesn't see how her turning down other peoples invitations and making sure others aren't welcome at her place causes this.

[preraph]

Friendship is a two-way street. Not only do you need to accept some invitations, but you are also obligated to reciprocate and host those people who invite you to things. I think it's odd you ask about this since most actual hermits just wouldn't have friends.

[Darren2013]

What about friends who are just lazy about returning phone calls? If you have a friend like that then do you eventually stop calling and forget about them?

[Eau Claire]

What about friends who are just lazy about returning phone calls? If you have a friend like that then do you eventually stop calling and forget about them?

 

Why do you need to ask? It seems you are lacking in basic social awareness. Most well adjusted people would know the answer.

[Darren2013]

You didn't answer my question. I ask because I need to get an idea of when I have reached the point of no return and start over with new friends. I may have already burned bridges with current friends by not returning phone calls.

[Eau Claire]

You didn't answer my question. I ask because I need to get an idea of when I have reached the point of no return and start over with new friends. I may have already burned bridges with current friends by not returning phone calls.

 

I read it. You might seed some counselling to see where you are lacking in normal human perception of how people react. It isn't your behaviour that is an issue (be a hermit if you like). Most mature individuals understand consequences. You have a lack of social awareness. Get some help.

[Darren2013]

That still doesn't answer my question. Since you continue to ignore my original question then I don't take anything you say in high regard about getting counseling.

[Darren2013]

By the way I do have a secret desire to push everybody away whatever it takes so getting counseling on how to win friends is going to be counterproductive to my goals. Why would I waste money on a counselor who isn't going to be of any help in accomplishing my goals?

 

I have a secret wish to push others away and the purpose of these questions is to validate that I'm doing the right thing in order to reach my goals. You can either answer my question or not but I figure I would go ahead and reveal my true wishes in my interactions with others.

[TunaInTheBrine]

Is it generally true that people will pull away from me if I give them the impression that I have no interest in social interaction with them? In other words if I enjoy living like a hermit and I turn down friend's invitations to hang out then at some point most people get turned off and stop inviting me? Generally most people are not going to attempt to force interaction down my throat if I act like I'm not interested in socializing?

 

Yes, I believe most people will pull away from you. You can only invite someone out so many times or ask to get together and be turned down before you say to yourself, well, this person obviously doesn't want me in their life so why am I continuing to invest in them?

[Teknoe]

Is it generally true that people will pull away from me if I give them the impression that I have no interest in social interaction with them? In other words if I enjoy living like a hermit and I turn down friend's invitations to hang out then at some point most people get turned off and stop inviting me? Generally most people are not going to attempt to force interaction down my throat if I act like I'm not interested in socializing?

 

 

Darren, can I ask you why you have a secret desire to push everyone away?

 

I'm just curious because.... lately, I've been feeling similarly to you.

 

I used to be pretty social. Lately though, I've put on my hermit pants. I used to go out pretty regularly. I used to have somewhat of a social circle. But then I felt those connections weren't very real or tight, more like acquaintances, and honestly, unless I feel I have a real connection with someone, I rather just be at home to myself, where I can entertain myself with my sports, games and movies, and have total peace and quiet.

 

So I feel I know where you're coming from, but just seeking clarification on your end as to why you think you have a secret desire to push people away.

 

Now I'll answer your original question. Take it from someone who gradually put himself out of the circle of acquaintances I had who included me in mass emails for hang outs. Eventually, I got tired of this group, and declined with various "busy" excuses. Then I stopped replying altogether, and months passed with me not seeing them. Eventually, they removed me from the emails, because they knew my lack of communication spoke to my lack of interest in the group.

 

People will generally make the effort to invite you to different things, but if you reject them enough times without counter offering then yes, most people move on. It's just an unspoken thing.

[AnneT1985]

I have a friend who has "hermit" tendencies. I realize it has nothing to do with me and invite her out regardless. Sometimes she comes, often she doesn't. I try and accept her as she is because she accepts me for how I am. She doesn't expect what she can't give. Best of luck to you! xx

[Darren2013]

I suppose one of the reasons I desire to push others away is feeling insecure about myself. Perhaps I do not love myself and feel it is my job to make sure others are not supposed to love me either. You do not have my permission to love me when I do not love myself. That's how I think.

[SpiralOut]

I need to get an idea of when I have reached the point of no return and start over with new friends. I may have already burned bridges with current friends by not returning phone calls.

 

The only way to know is by calling your old friends, apologizing, and seeing if they forgive you or not. Some might, others won't.

[preraph]

What about friends who are just lazy about returning phone calls? If you have a friend like that then do you eventually stop calling and forget about them?

 

Yes, almost immediately.

[Ronni_W]

Darren2013,

if your goal is to be shunned, then you're going about it the proper way. You can intensify it, though, if you start to be actively rude, critical, belittling to whomever is still contacting you.

You do not have my permission to love me when I do not love myself.

That is like saying, "You do not have my permission to hurt me, or betray me, or gossip about me" -- for good or bad, we do not have that kind of power, control over how others perceive us, feel about us, treat us.

 

It actually is okay to accept others' love even if we cannot yet accept self-love...in fact, that's how most people operate and function...most people have challenges around genuine self-acceptance, self-forgiveness, self-compassion...which is, self-love.

We are not compelled to receive love at all, but it is a free will choice we can make if we so decide, choose.

 

Hugs and best.

[Yasuandio]

Reclusiveness can turn into agoraphobia. I have been like this close to a decade. I finding now, after a hidious divorce, that I am totally alone. I purposely got disgusted with a 15-year friendship and dropped it like a hot potatoe - I had not feeling at all - I've turned Ice Cold.

 

I have been diagosed six years ago with bi-polar 2 dis-order. When the medical expert testified at the divorce trial I recall him saying that I will have problems with relationships for the rest of life. That is really becoming true. Even with the medical care - I have developed a bad temper. And over the last few yeas distroyed every relationship I had. And glad of it too.

 

The reality of this situation is not good. That is beginning to occur to me. Although I enjoy being alone, the neighborhood perceives me as a person that wants to be unsocial. And really, when I do get out, I am a very social, "people person." always a "Lucy Moment" chatting with people, smiling, nicely dressed. No one would ever guess the strange lifestyle I have.

 

If I died in this house, know one would know for months, till the house went into foreclosure. That is how bad it is. Something to think about. Since I'm probably MUCH older than you - I'm getting a little worried. Yas

[Darren2013]

Darren2013,

if your goal is to be shunned, then you're going about it the proper way. You can intensify it, though, if you start to be actively rude, critical, belittling to whomever is still contacting you.

 

That is like saying, "You do not have my permission to hurt me, or betray me, or gossip about me" -- for good or bad, we do not have that kind of power, control over how others perceive us, feel about us, treat us.

 

It actually is okay to accept others' love even if we cannot yet accept self-love...in fact, that's how most people operate and function...most people have challenges around genuine self-acceptance, self-forgiveness, self-compassion...which is, self-love.

We are not compelled to receive love at all, but it is a free will choice we can make if we so decide, choose.

 

Hugs and best.

 

 

 

There is nothing I can do to make anyone love me but there's alot I can do to convince them to not love me.

[sickoflove11]

I definitely think this happens because I personally just moved states and have no friends here. People rarely invite me to go places and I try to always say yes but I work a lot and have to say no many times. This has not helped me gain any friends and I just lost the only best friend I had.

 

I really enjoy being a hermit and spending time alone doing things I enjoy, but I would really love a friend. I think it is very important for our mental health as I am beginning to realize.

[jonsnuh]

It's a numbers game in some respects.

 

If you don't market yourself and increase the number of interactions, there will just be less maintenance and reason for others to interact with you. And not only this, but it's likely your social skills may 'depreciate' or regress. Kind of like synapses.

[Sugarkane]

What did you expect if you keep rejecting people?

[Teknoe]

This past June, I decided to freeze my FB. I really isolated myself and when my birthday passed, only my family texted me happy birthday. That was a little depressing. Sure, on FB you get a bunch of token "HAPPY BDAY!" messages, but it's still nice to get, I guess. I wasn't shocked that no one remembered my bday without the aid of FB outside of my family because I do not have a tight social circle, and haven't for a couple years now.

 

I really did become a hermit this summer, but I return to work in a couple weeks, and hope getting myself out there again will help me gain some of the social skills I feel I've let rusted a bit this past summer.

 

I know a lot of introverts can have trouble "getting up" to go see others and be around others, but it really is healthy to balance anything in life out. Be a shut-in too much and one day you'll realize how lonely you really are.

 

My cousin actually is a hermit to the tee. If I don't contact him, I'd never hear from him. So I always make the effort, and even though he never initiates, I still love him and still reach out to him every 2-3 months to see how he's doing.

 

BTW, I am planning to reactivate FB. Kinda froze it because I wanted peace and quiet for the summer. Wouldn't mind having it active though now that I'll be returning back to work and "normalcy"

[HelenJ]

Is it generally true that people will pull away from me if I give them the impression that I have no interest in social interaction with them? In other words if I enjoy living like a hermit and I turn down friend's invitations to hang out then at some point most people get turned off and stop inviting me? Generally most people are not going to attempt to force interaction down my throat if I act like I'm not interested in socializing?

 

It’s generally true that most people will stop inviting you, will not attempt to force interaction down your throat if you act like you are not interested. Problem solved! And it can be a beautiful thing if that’s what you want.

 

The real problem occurs when you keep getting communications from people or from a person whose resiliency is as tough as plastic. They ignore all signs of “leave me alone” and insist on calling you, texting you, emailing you…

 

Being a hermit—that’s fine. Can people respect this? Can they acknowledge that there are some people who do not want to socialize? Relatively normal people can. People who are emotionally balanced, and have a modicum of common sense about the world around them, can.

 

I dare say that only those with a bit of “abnormality” cannot get the message. They will annoy you with as much insensitivity and ignorance in their shallow needs as there are grains of sands occupying a beach. The real question is—how to get rid of those buggers!!

[Teknoe]

Being a hermit—that’s fine. Can people respect this? Can they acknowledge that there are some people who do not want to socialize? Relatively normal people can. People who are emotionally balanced, and have a modicum of common sense about the world around them, can.

 

I dare say that only those with a bit of “abnormality” cannot get the message. They will annoy you with as much insensitivity and ignorance in their shallow needs as there are grains of sands occupying a beach. The real question is—how to get rid of those buggers!!

 

I had a group of acquaintances a couple years ago that was constantly inviting me out. At first, I liked their company. But over time, I grew tired of the dinners and found myself much happier doing something else on my own. It was tough, as I didn't want to be 'dramatic' by telling them to please stop inviting me.

 

So I did the next best thing... I made excuses. After a while, I went on straight ignore mode.

 

Eventually, even the most persistent person gives up if you ignore them long enough. At first I felt bad, but as time went on it got easier and easier. They were very nice people. Just not my type of company and I felt the longer I kept hanging around them, the "worse" it would have gotten... like "trying to get out" down the road was going to be harder if I had been an even bigger fixture in the group than what I was at that point in time.

 

They took me off the emails/texts/invites a long time ago. I'm sure they talked about what happened to me when they got together, but I hope they understand it's just one of those things in life where people grow apart or grow disinterested. It's nothing personal, per se. It just... happens.

 

I hope they're well, but I don't have a desire to contact them to see if they are. I just assume they are, and am happy with things at that.