how to handle drunk friend?

[d0nnivain]

I just agreed to meet a dear life long friend for dinner. Problem is she's a drunk but refuses to admit she has a problem. I worry about her. She has "eye openers" in the morning & sneaks booze even when with friends.

 

Anyway, I picked a great place that doesn't serve liquor. I thought that would send a bit of a message & save me from having to drive her home (1/2 hour in the opposite direction from where I live). It's not the driving I resent; it's that she will fight me & insist she's fine to drive when she won't be.

 

She just sent me a text to ask if I knew if she could BYO to the place. I was hoping she wouldn't take the initiate to discover the place didn't sell alcohol. Now if we go there, she will feel compelled to drink the whole bottle of wine or 6 pack she brings. I won't have any because I no longer drive at all after drinking.

 

Do I change my mind & go back to the place she picked in the hopes that she will only have 2-3 drinks?

 

This is a XP from addiction & recovery.

[CarrieT]

You can't fix other people - especially those who want to drink.

 

I lived with an alcoholic who always had a nipper in his pocket.

 

Sounds like you should just not spend time with this person at all if their drinking bothers you.

[writergal]

I've been in your situation when I reunited with a childhood friend after we randomly ran into each other at an outdoor art festival one summer. I invited her to meet me for dinner and during dinner she proceeded to get pissed drunk. I had to call her a sober cab and was stuck paying the dinner bill b/c she *conveniently* forget her wallet (yet remembered her purse with her cellphone).

 

Well, that was all the reunion I needed. I emailed her a copy of the receipt and asked her to pay me back her half of dinner, and told her I was disappointed that she felt the need to ruin our little reunion dinner by getting super drunk and sticking me with the dinner bill. She never responded to my email or repaid me.

 

If you don't want your friend to take advantage of your good nature, I think you should just cancel dinner with her, and catch up with her over the phone. At least she can get drunk in her own home and you wont be stuck driving her home or paying for dinner like I had to.

 

Or, you could suggest she cook (but she may just get drunk), or you cook at your home. But I think any scenario with your friend will conclude with her getting drunk, and you taking responsibility for her. I've had enough encounters with alcoholics in my life (recovering ones too) that I just don't trust them.

Edited July 29, 2014 by writergal

[Ronni_W]

d0nnivain...

I'm not sure that I have anything to offer by way of insight or solution...but I just really wanted to take this opportunity to say how much I admire and respect your caring for and loyalty to your friend. The Universe needs more people with feelings and commitment and courage as you are at least attempting to demonstrate.

 

I would offer, if you can, to be even more courageous and just tell her directly of your concerns. From my own experience, even if she doesn't "get it" or change her ways, your caring will or may still have a significant positive impact on her...and long after you've had the necessary difficult conversation.

 

It's also possible to...but do not expect it to...have an immediate effect on her. Even if it is just, at first, her own internal reassessment of where she is in life and where she hopes to be in a year or a decade.

 

You could approach it from that perspective: "I care about you and I am concerned that you are over-indulging in a self-destructive albeit self-protective coping mechanism and I really just want to be sure that you are heading in the life direction in which you really want and desire to be heading."

 

Best of luck.

[mammasita]

I used to be that friend myself.....not necessarily the alcoholic that carried a stash, but I was a partier. I had a mini reunion with a high school friend when I was in my 20's and got SO ****faced, I totally embarrassed her.

 

It was a mini wake up call for me. Quite honestly though, It took me two years to apologize to her because I wasn't ready to change until I was ready. I missed out on a lot of time and her friendship.

 

I'm much wiser and in control these days and she and I are friends again and meet up for adult drinks in moderation LOL when I'm in town....I'm very glad she's forgiven me.

 

I give all this background to say, there's nothing you can do. Either avoid her or meet on her turf (i.e. Her house) so you don't have to worry about her driving because nothing you say or do will affect her until she is ready to change.

[preraph]

Look, I don't know how old she is but except for the morning drinking, which I agree is a bad sign, that could have been me for 20 years of my youth. And I'm fine now, not alcoholic, and only maybe have six drinks a year, usually because I'm cooking with it. So not everyone remains alcoholic-like. I lost interest, period.

 

That said, I have friends in recovery, most of them successfully so. She's the only one who can decide. I'm sure she's heard it before. Now, I was probably the first person to tell my friend who's been in recovery for decades now that she drank too much, and I was probably drunk when I said it. I doubt it had any effect on her as it was some years before she did it on her own.

 

Before I lost interest, I would go home for Thanksgiving, and bring a bottle with me. I wouldn't entertain not drinking (especially visiting my parents -- stress). I had fun drinking. I worked hard, was responsible, kept my responsibilities going, and partied as hard as I worked. Until I got bored with it.

 

You may as well make whatever adjustments you feel you need to as far as driving or not driving and where to go because one way or the other, your friend is going to want to drink when you go out. If that means you slow down your friendship or you go to her home so she's not driving and leave after she's had a couple, whatever you're comfortable with. If you feel you hate being around her when she's drunk because she's not fun like I was , it's okay to gently tell her when she's sober that it's no fund being around her when she's drinking because you're sober. Most people understand this because they've been in the same situation.

 

Meanwhile, all you can do is hope she decides to take a turn at some point. Maybe she'll get interested in healthy living or something, you just never know. I would stop drinking ONLY to diet, which I might do for six months at a time. And it's true it wasn't as much fun to go out there, sad to say. Good luck.

[d0nnivain]

She's a 48 year old woman. This has been an on-going problem. Her whole family is in AA but she swears she doesn't have a problem. I have told her for 25 years that I think she drinks too much. She denies it.

 

I have to see her to give back her camera. She left it in my car the other day.

 

I know I can't fix her drinking. What I want to know from all of you is given the choice:

 

restaurant with a liquor license v. BYO

 

which is the safer option for us to have dinner?

 

If I could "fix" her, I'd have her admitted to a hospital in-patient rehab program because if she ever does decide to get sober, the DT's & other physical withdrawal symptoms will require medical care due to their severity.

[Michelle ma Belle]

Personally, I think it's six of one or half a dozen of the other.

 

It doesn't really matter which is the better choice because in either scenario she'll be drinking.

 

My advice? Pick the restaurant that is closest to her if you think you'll have to drive her back home afterward.

 

Good luck.

[preraph]

It might be marginally better if she has to keep buying drinks. Main thing is she gets home safe. Sad to watch, I know. At her age, I doubt she's going to change. Maybe a health issue will slow her down sometime, but that's not good either.

[writergal]

Well if you just need to get your camera back, couldn't you just drive over to her house, grab it, say hi and chit chat for a few minutes and then leave? Tell her you had to cancel the dinner plans because something came up that's a personal family emergency like a sick child or whatever? Then you wouldn't have to do the whole dinner thing and worry about her drinking.

[ajheart]

If you still choose to meet with her, understand that one fact, and you'll be okay. This means, if she potentially ditches you and doesn't pay the bill, if she makes you a laughing stock, if you guys get kicked out, etc.

 

Otherwise, just don't go out with her.

[d0nnivain]

She's not going to get so drunk that she passes out, ditch the bill or gets us kicked out. She's been doing this far too long.

 

I was actually hoping that we could use this dinner to talk. It's difficult to get her isolated & command her attention. In her home, she'll find something to clean & I won't have her full attention.

[melodicintention]

Personally I'd tell her I won't eat with her unless she refrains from drinking now and in the future. I told the last band I was in the next show we need to be 100% sober after they kept screwing up, I got kicked out of the band, though I knew it was a risk I took it. They did me a favor. Most alcoholics don't get it, and never will, no matter how much it damages the people and world around them. It's not worth the stress. You have to stand up for what you believe. Cut out toxic people no matter who they are, and as a drunk, she is very toxic. If you meet with her in an environment that allows her to drink you are saying "hey I know you drink too much, and I don't like it, but it's not going to actually drive me away, so drink up!" It's called tough love.

[d0nnivain]

All of that is easier said then done. We have been friends for too long & she has never done anything "bad" to me. I love her & want her to get help. I feel so helpless in all of this. I have cut way back on the time we spend together. It used to be daily. Counting last weekend, I have seen her 4x this year: NYE, last weekend & at 2 funerals. I do miss the great gal she used to be when she wasn't a drunk. I'm not ready or prepared to walk away I just want to try to encourage her to drink less, hence the reason I picked a restaurant that doesn't have a liquor license.

[amaysngrace]

It's not much fun to be a sober person who has to babysit a drunk.

 

Why do you want to get together with her again? After a few drinks it won't even be her you'll be talking to...the alcohol will speak for her.

 

Yuck...

[carrie_o]

Are there any restaurants near you with no liquor license that don't let you bring in outside drinks?

[carrie_o]

I realize that even finding such a restaurant would be a temporary solution to a much larger problem...

[d0nnivain]

Why do you want to get together with her again?...

 

Because I know she's still in there somewhere, under all that booze & I miss her.

[Smilecharmer]

Donni, it may not make any difference but IMHO if someone has to pay full price for drinks they are less likely to drink more than if they bring their own. I know you say that you have been friends with her for too long to go NC but if she is a drunk when you get together then you aren't really getting your friend anyway. Drunk people aren't really themselves. So sorry. This is really sad.

[d0nnivain]

Although she was almost an hour late, she showed up SOBER & didn't bring any booze. We drank tea & water with our meal. It felt like I had my dear friend back if only for a little while.

 

Can I say for sure she didn't have a drink before she left her house? no. But hey she did something I wasn't sure she was capable of: not drink for 2+ hours.

[writergal]

Although she was almost an hour late, she showed up SOBER & didn't bring any booze. We drank tea & water with our meal. It felt like I had my dear friend back if only for a little while.

 

Can I say for sure she didn't have a drink before she left her house? no. But hey she did something I wasn't sure she was capable of: not drink for 2+ hours.

 

I'm happy for your d0nnivain that your dinner with your friend was a positive experience for you both. She really must care about your friendship still to make an effort to be sober with you. That's a step in the right direction and as we know, sobriety is a step-by-step journey. Glad it worked out even if she was one hour late.