Overbearing/Clingy Friend

[packgurl]

Hey Ya'll! I am new to this board because I am anxiously seeking some advice on an overly needy friend. First know that this friend is not a life-long friend. I have only known her for almost two years. She is the girlfriend of my husbands best friend. I befriended her because I didn't see any reason not to! She was nice and subtle in the beginning, but has grown increasingly clingy with time. Short time.

 

I am married. She is not. I try with my utmost being to uphold the sanctity of my marriage. My husband is my best friend. We don't keep secrets of any kind. Everything I know, he knows. Whenever I want to do something, he always gets first choice to tag along. He is the person I WANT to go with me places. The problem I have with this friend is that she doesn't seem to respect that. I have a couple incidences to share.

 

1) I am a photographer and recently got a gig shooting a destination wedding. My accomodations will be provided by the bride...making my hotel stay free. My friend will also be there, as a guest. When my friend found out I was the wedding photographer the first thing she said was "We can room together!" The first thing I thought was "Umm NO! I am married. MARRIED!!" I just couldn't get past the fact that she just assumed that I would leave my husband at home without even giving him the option of coming with me. I found that very disrespectful. Am I wrong?

 

2) My husband and I want to go somewhere for our 2 year anniversary since we didn't get to for our first anniversary. We didn't go last year, because we chose to go on a camping trip with said friend, her boyfriend and another couple. That was fine, it was our choice. So this year we decided to forgo the group camping trip and devote that time to us. When I told her she was totally fine with that. She said not to worry about that camping trip and to go on our anniversary trip. Everything was settled. Then she comes back and says.."Oh since ya'll don't want to go on a big camping trip we can just go to the lake camping.'' The lake is only about 30 mins from where we live. That would be fine, but it still costs. It costs the same. The only thing you save on is gas. There again, I feel like she has totally disrespected that fact that I said we were only taking one vacation this year! Again, am I wrong?

 

 

Something else that bothers me about the whole rooming with her at the wedding thing (which she still assumes that we will) is this: her boyfriend is also going. Remember I am married, she is not. Therefore, I don't feel that it's appropriate for me and my husband to share a room and one bathroom with her and her boyfriend. We are married. We want and need our privacy. We can see the other couple during the day, but at night we need to be separated.

 

I want to like her now as much as I did in the beginning and I would never hurt her. She has been a good friend to me and I always try to return the favor, but I just feel like she is missing the boundaries between the fact that I am in a marriage relationship and she is only dating.

 

What are your thoughts?

[todreaminblue]

she isnt aware of the boundaries you so desire because you havent told her them.....its fine your married ......she is not.....you said that quite a few times in your post....i think you would only need to tell her the boundaries once......and leave out the you are not married part it has no bearing on your friendship.....its fine you are married i am sure she realizes this you come across a little elitist because of it......dont insert that into a friendship with a woman who obviously likes you as a friend and treats you well...let your boundaries be known if you want them to be respected...and do so gently without inferring she is not married so she hasnt a clue what its involves................deb

[packgurl]

Yes I am an adult. I am in my late twenties. My husband and I and our friends practice the Christian faith. We all attend the same church. The boundaries of modesty, decency and sanctity of marriage are clearly defined. There should be no need to repeat them. The problem is not that she is not married and I am and I do not think that I am superior to her because of that. I do not have a problem expressing myself at all. When she first said we could room together I told her that would be fine as long as my husband couldn't go. But he can and she still thinks that the four of us will share a room. She shows up unannounced which has been addressed. Just like the camping trip thing...I tell her...nicely of course and she understands, but then she just keeps on. When she gets in her mind that she wants us all to hang out she won't let it go until it happens. I just think that it is very disrespectful of her not to acknowledge that there are certain boundaries there. There shouldn't have been a need to tell her that my husband would get first choice to go on a trip with me because I have already told her that I don't want to be separated from him over night.

 

P.S. Please don't respond to this post in a nasty way.

[packgurl]

Eau Claire: Sorry for the confusion. Yes me and my husband do talk. My friend happened to be with me when I was asked to do the wedding so she informed me that we would room together before I had a chance to talk to my husband about it. To that I replied that my husband would get the chance to go with me first. My husband is saying no to rooming with her and her boyfriend. I promise you the problem isn't with my marriage. The problem is that this girl is become more and more needy of my time and doesn't seem to get that my extra time gets spent with my husband first. Then if I have more, I will do something with her...which I do. It just doesn't happen as often as she would like!

[rester]

I am also confused. It doesn't sound like you've told her you won't be sharing a room. Have you?

 

From your posts, it sounds like you told her you would be fine sharing a room with her, but then decided not to share a room with her because your husband is going, but this last part was never told to her. Is that right?

[packgurl]

No. She has been told twice...initially and after I told her he was going. That's the point of my post...she doesn't respect boundaries. Even after being told, it won't be long until she will come back with the same things. I don't know how to handle the fact that she, for some reason, thinks that she should get top priority over my time. Just like the first time she said we would share a room...she just assumed I was going to agree to that without giving my husband the chance to go with me. Even then she still assumed that we would share a room with her and her boyfriend...even though I didn't think that would be appropriate.

[todreaminblue]

No. She has been told twice...initially and after I told her he was going. That's the point of my post...she doesn't respect boundaries. Even after being told, it won't be long until she will come back with the same things. I don't know how to handle the fact that she, for some reason, thinks that she should get top priority over my time. Just like the first time she said we would share a room...she just assumed I was going to agree to that without giving my husband the chance to go with me. Even then she still assumed that we would share a room with her and her boyfriend...even though I didn't think that would be appropriate.

 

did you tell her it wouldnt be appropriate? What has your husband suggested you say to her seeing how you probably would have talked to him first since you are sanctified and married and all....deb

[packgurl]

Clearly ya'll don't get it either. Eau Claire: I have told her NO twice. She knows that I think it is inappropriate. I am definitely not intimidated by my husband, but we are a team and we make decisions together. He is the head of our household and we handle situations together. He does stand up for me. Like I said she has been told no TWICE! I am going to find Christian advice. Ya'll obviously can't read...I've answered the same questions three times already. Ya'll need to get off your high horses and God bless the soul that has to be married to you two. Poor guy....you obviously wouldn't respect that relationship!

[TigerLilly78]

Clearly ya'll don't get it either. Eau Claire: I have told her NO twice. She knows that I think it is inappropriate. I am definitely not intimidated by my husband, but we are a team and we make decisions together. He is the head of our household and we handle situations together. He does stand up for me. Like I said she has been told no TWICE! I am going to find Christian advice. Ya'll obviously can't read...I've answered the same questions three times already. Ya'll need to get off your high horses and God bless the soul that has to be married to you two. Poor guy....you obviously wouldn't respect that relationship!

 

You sure your real prob isn't that shes not married let me guess shes living in sin in your eyes? I think your the one on a high christian horse here you came to a public forum asking for advice you got some! Now logic says when you ask a bunch of different people advice you will get a variety of answers.

 

But then again this is why I was never a huge fan of religion its often not logical..Also I love how you clearly insult the two women who are trying to give you advice you asked them for yet end the insult with a nice little "god bless" how hypocritical! Yet again another trait of overly religious people I just cant stand.

 

Being married doesn't mean you have to be tied to your husbands hip 24/7 I think your friend shares this view and there's nothing wrong with that. Sounds like you two just are not compatible shes interested in having fun with friends.

 

And your interested in playing the perfect obeying house wife to each their own yes I think you will find it much more satisfying to go to a christian advice forum were you can all bash on this sinful annoying women together while singing the praises of your ever loving accepting god...

[preraph]

Here's what may be going on. When I am friends with someone, that doesn't mean I'm also friends with their husband and kids. Doesn't mean I don't like them or respect their bond, but when I want a girlfriend, I am not also wanting their man to tag along every time. Because you can't really be good girlfriends. It would keep me from being able to speak freely.

 

Let me give you an example. Years ago when people were doing online chat more, I was chatting with my very close old friend of 30 years. I was talking to her about feminine issues and very personal private things. Well, after we'd quit chatting, I hear from her and she tells me that she apologizes but she found out she accidentally stayed signed on and her husband pretended to be her and had the entire conversation with me. I was livid. I am not his friend. I would help him if need be because he's her husband and I support her every way I can, but my relationship is with her, not him, and that's the way I want to keep it.

 

Now, that's my side. On your side, you are perfectly entitled to be so loyal to your man that you don't want to have conversations he's not included in or do things where he's not present. It's unheard of in 2014, I have to say, but if that's what works for you and him, that's all just great. But since it's not typical for someone to not have friends who are not also buddies with your man and to never do anything without your man there, then you have to compensate for that by making it clear up front at the very first hint of forming a friendship that you are very strict and will never be willing to do things without your man present.

 

You may well have already tried to tell this person and she didn't take you seriously, I get that. Time you told her again. Tell her you're only comfortable from now on doing things as couples. Tell her it's your choice, not because he's trying to isolate you, because that's what most people would think since most women do want female friends who are all their own and the ones who don't, sadly it's usually because their man is jealous or controlling.

 

PS, I was raised Christian and didn't know anybody who, for lack of a better word, followed these husband/wife rules you're attributing to Christianity. I do realize there's some big men's groups (Christian ones) out there promoting that they are the head of the household and in control, and it's your choice and you're a big girl. Me, never.

Edited July 29, 2014 by preraph

[Tayla]

I get that the OP's values are centered towards her marriage. Its impressive!

 

The friend sounds passionate and entertaining! Can you possibly see that her values also carry validity? There can be a civil way to maintain the friendship.

Whilst on the photo vacation , make it clear that you adore the friendship and a breakast or afternoon tour around the town can be an adventure! But that you prefer to have privacy with your husband at the hotel. Its a way to negotiate and have you both respect each others values.

 

Consulting and confiding all things is not respecting of your outer source of friends. You will rarely have genuine friends if you go running to your spouse with their secrets. They confide in those that are trustworthy. Even a reverand doesnt tell his wife the sins of his congregation, he respects each individual on a one to one basis.

 

I do not think you have a problem expressing yourself to your spouse. I think you can expand on it though with this friend by being genuinely good natured in accepting her quirks and gaining a new perspective that we all need someone with different values to keep us grounded.

[todreaminblue]

Clearly ya'll don't get it either. Eau Claire: I have told her NO twice. She knows that I think it is inappropriate. I am definitely not intimidated by my husband, but we are a team and we make decisions together. He is the head of our household and we handle situations together. He does stand up for me. Like I said she has been told no TWICE! I am going to find Christian advice. Ya'll obviously can't read...I've answered the same questions three times already. Ya'll need to get off your high horses and God bless the soul that has to be married to you two. Poor guy....you obviously wouldn't respect that relationship!

 

actually i am a christian and i would respect if i were married to the utmost doesnt mean i would treat others as less deserving of my time....or lesser people either...i would love my friends as i love myself......that is a christian value isnt it....i expect good friends because i am a good friend to them male or female, neighbour or not......i treat people with respect mostly......and if they do something i dont like i tell them as gently as i can ...........or over step my boundaries.....i tell them...you are the one on a high horse my friend not me ...i am a christian foot soldier in the trenches dealing with people you would look down on from your pretty braided horse.....the soul that marries a woman who says how she feels...is probably going to be blessed with honest conversations with a little sense of humor thrown in to break up any ice....god bless you fellow christian, from your horse and all i hope you can work it out on your own which you can if you follow your heart which belongs to your husband. talk to him......i say gday...........deb

[Lernaean_Hydra]

To be honest, in the few scenarios you laid out, I must say, it doesn't seem to be this "friend" of yours who is clingy, but rather YOU seem to cling to your husband for dear life. There's nothing wrong with loving your husband and considering him your best friend (in fact, many might say such an attitude makes for a stronger bond and a lasting marriage). However the view you've taken seems to be one of an extreme.

 

Joined at the hip is an understatement. It is very hard to maintain female friendships when you insist on having a male present at all times. As much as you might love your spouse, your girlfriends cannot (and should not) possibly feel the same way nor share your enjoyment of his constant companionship. Why bother even having friends at all when DH seems to be all you need or want?

 

 

Anyway, your blatantly disrespectful (non)answers to other members here aside, I still find it very hard to believe you've already told this woman TWICE in no uncertain terms that she will not be sharing a room with you and your husband because unless they are mentally deficient or unstable, no one in their right mind would gloss right over that and still insist that you will all be sharing a room. No one. The only way I could see anyone even remotely forcing the issue is if they didn't want to (or couldn't) afford their own accommodations.

Edited July 29, 2014 by Lernaean_Hydra