Jump to content

NC with Friends?


Recommended Posts

My ex Best Friend and I are not on speaking terms. I went NC but had not changed my number yet. She called me and said she tried to email me and I told her I had changed my email address and I most probably will change my number.

 

 

She said that she thought that would be a ridiculous, dumb and immature thing to do.

 

 

I told her many people go down this route when they are no longer on speaking terms with someone who was important to them.

 

 

So Two questions

 

 

1) Is it ok to go the NC route with an ex Best Friend?

 

 

2) Is NC immature?

 

 

I personally think that it is ok to go NC on a friend if that is what you need to protect yourself from getting hurt and also to move forward and I don't think NC is immature. The way she said it hurt a lot and she got me thinking about it.

 

 

Be interested to read your opinions on the questions.

 

 

Thanks!

Link to post
Share on other sites

I found it was the only solution - NC. It was the end of a very long friendship of 15 years.

 

She crossed the boundaries too many times for me to withstand - it is like a divorce or a death.

 

When you apply the NC - be prepared for the end of the friendship - because the NC is extremely painful on the receiving end.

 

I, personally, feel relieved.

 

Sometimes friendships have an expiration date. You move on. That is life. Yas

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

It does feel like a divorce or death but my ex best friend did not seem to understand that.

 

 

I think NC is the only solution and changing my number is the last step.

 

 

The friendship is so over and I feel so sad, especially since I was mainly to blame.

 

 

I didn't realise that it is so painful on the receiving end, that makes a lot of sense on way she reacted to it the way she did.

 

 

Thanks Yas!

Link to post
Share on other sites
I told her many people go down this route when they are no longer on speaking terms with someone who was important to them.

 

Eh, I think this may have been a bit dramatic. I don't think you need to go as far as changing your email and number. If you don't want to be friends, just tell her that and ask her not to contact you anymore. If she doesn't respect that, then maybe you'd need to change your number.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Eh, I think this may have been a bit dramatic. I don't think you need to go as far as changing your email and number. If you don't want to be friends, just tell her that and ask her not to contact you anymore. If she doesn't respect that, then maybe you'd need to change your number.

 

I disagree. A friendship can sometimes actually be more long-term, intense and significant, than a romantic relationship. I think No Contact would be completely appropriate here. Although, Double D, you state you were 'mainly to blame'.... Is this the straw that broke the camel's back, or has it been a 'fault' over a prolonged period?

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
I disagree. A friendship can sometimes actually be more long-term, intense and significant, than a romantic relationship. I think No Contact would be completely appropriate here.

 

I was specifically referring to OP making a declaration that he/she would change his/her number. I don't see why that was necessary. All that was needed was to tell the ex-best friend "I don't want to be friends anymore so don't contact me again."

Link to post
Share on other sites

I see, ok....I get that. But as in NC, the benefit is probably as much for the OP as for the ex-friend. it removes temptation. And temptation is an inhibiting trait when wanting to get over something.... Rather like not wanting to eat cake, and then all you see everywhere, are damn cakes! :D

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
I disagree. A friendship can sometimes actually be more long-term, intense and significant, than a romantic relationship. I think No Contact would be completely appropriate here. Although, Double D, you state you were 'mainly to blame'.... Is this the straw that broke the camel's back, or has it been a 'fault' over a prolonged period?

 

Hi Tbisb74!

 

The friendship was going through some problems before and she caught me out in a lie and that as you say was the straw that broke the camel's back.

 

We tried to get over that but we could not get passed it.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
I was specifically referring to OP making a declaration that he/she would change his/her number. I don't see why that was necessary. All that was needed was to tell the ex-best friend "I don't want to be friends anymore so don't contact me again."

 

Hi CC12!

 

When we got to the point when the friendship was not salvageable we said our goodbyes and I understood that as us not contacting each other anymore. I went NC but she kept calling me at least once a week for three weeks and I thought she wanted to make amends but the conversations were strained and I don't even know why she was calling as she did not say much of anything really. I don't think she understood the concept of NC, so thats when I said I changed my email address and will change my number as talking to her as things were between us was hurting too much. That's when she said she thought it was dumb and immature and didn't seem to get where I was coming from.

Link to post
Share on other sites

well, lying may well be a deal-breaker. it sounds like a big issue... not something like "I can't make tuesday, my mum's coming round" then she sees you out and about gadding it up with someone else....

Link to post
Share on other sites
todreaminblue

why isn't the friendship salvageable? what attempts have you guys done to repair the friendship...did you apologize for lying are we talking one lie here....or a snowball effect....deb

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

For her lying is a massive deal breaker.

 

I was a gambling addict, so I was being dishonest a lot during this period of time and she caught me out in one of my lies. We were meant to meet up this one time and I was running late and I said I was not far. I was in a gambling place and she saw me coming out of there.

 

She knew I was going through my gambling issues but when it came to lying to her that was too much for her.

 

I have apologised many times on the phone, face to face and wrote a letter through email.

 

We had 2/3 serious longs talks to see if we could save the friendship but we could not get passed this. She said with us being best friends that is over and she cant trust me anymore and said that she be happy enough with us being acquaintances. Calling/texting every now and again. I said I totally understand where she was coming from but that I would find that very hard to do with all the animosity that is between us I said that I think for both of us it would be better to have a clean break.

 

I meant that to mean NC but then she kept calling once a week and not really saying much and I could feel that our relationship most definitely was not the same anymore, she was not really interested in overcoming this issue and so to help me to heal I changed my email and told her I will change my number as she keeps calling and every-time we talk it is not productive and just makes me feel worst.

Link to post
Share on other sites
todreaminblue
For her lying is a massive deal breaker.

 

I was a gambling addict, so I was being dishonest a lot during this period of time and she caught me out in one of my lies. We were meant to meet up this one time and I was running late and I said I was not far. I was in a gambling place and she saw me coming out of there.

 

She knew I was going through my gambling issues but when it came to lying to her that was too much for her.

 

I have apologised many times on the phone, face to face and wrote a letter through email.

 

We had 2/3 serious longs talks to see if we could save the friendship but we could not get passed this. She said with us being best friends that is over and she cant trust me anymore and said that she be happy enough with us being acquaintances. Calling/texting every now and again. I said I totally understand where she was coming from but that I would find that very hard to do with all the animosity that is between us I said that I think for both of us it would be better to have a clean break.

 

I meant that to mean NC but then she kept calling once a week and not really saying much and I could feel that our relationship most definitely was not the same anymore, she was not really interested in overcoming this issue and so to help me to heal I changed my email and told her I will change my number as she keeps calling and every-time we talk it is not productive and just makes me feel worst.

 

 

I am sorry this is a hard time for you, i understand your confusion now on what to do about no contact ...you actually cant stand the bad feelings between you too and you are struggling because you want the friendship to go back to what it was before......is this true?

 

this is what i know about lies ...i loathe them .......but....everyone sins.....differently....no one is perfect and you admitted you had an issue (is it ongoing?)

 

when i have been lied too it hurts and it kills trust and i have often said to some...ill never trust you again....i dont like you at the moment ........i always do end up being friends again....i cant hold it for long....i take what time i need to feel ok with them.... .....it just takes time....because i realize i can monumentally do the wrong thing and stuff up just as much as then next person..i have a suggestion.....keep it at acquaintances ...let her contact you....and rebuild the trust and that may take time...it wont happen straight away ....maybe it might who knows....dont destroy the bridge before you build it......let occasional contact open the building process...what do you have to lose? by doing this......you might not repair the friendship .....but i would say you have more of a chance at gaining it back than losing it ....if she truly didnt want to be your friend she would have cut off completely.....going back to acquaintances isnt exactly a sign that she wants to end the friendship....ending it is...absolutely no contact is the end....she doesnt want that........saying take it back to acquaintances is breathing space for both fo you to reconnect slowly.........thats my advice...i wish you well i hope it works out for you..sometimes when you repair something it looks more of a mess than when you first started to repair it but the end product is actually stronger than it was before.....friendships and relationships go through periods of restoration all the time sometimes it is noticeable sometimes it is little dents and scratches......its not all happy happy somewhere over the rainbow times....its struggle too...as i said though sometimes it ends up better......i really do suggest hanging in there .....friendships relationships....sometimes need an overhaul...maybe this was your overhaul.......best wishes.............deb

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Hi Deb!

 

Your right I am struggling as I do want the friendship to go back to where it was before but totally understand that it will take time.

 

If she gave me some sign, some encouragement that she wants to work on us then I could live with that.

 

When we talk she's so distant and does not really put much effort in the conversation, she's quite rude and disrespectful in the manner that she talks to me now. I get that she's hurt and this is her way of dealing with it. I maybe wrong but I feel like that saying 'don't make someone a priority when their consider you an option' that is want I feel like she is doing to me.

 

But I think your right she does not want the friendship to end totally and maybe we just have to go very slowly because as you said if she was not interested she would of cut me off totally by now as lying is the one thing is really really hates.

 

You have given me food for thought. Thanks!

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Oh forgot to say the gambling has stopped but obviously and understandably she is skeptical about that.

 

Takes time.

Link to post
Share on other sites
todreaminblue
Oh forgot to say the gambling has stopped but obviously and understandably she is skeptical about that.

 

Takes time.

 

could be why she is remaining a little distant......i have a recent ex who continues to tell me one day he hasn't had drugs for so long and then the next day says something different......i maintain distance......he isnt trustworthy and he is unstable......he is flighty and often unstable he is a level four schizophrenic......he also got pretty aggressive on the phone with me the other day...i will always be there for him to speak too but our relationship cant go back to the way it was......i will remain his friend however.........i prefer talking as phoen friends....as he has also decided to stop taking schizophrenic meds...and he is now unstable..as par his attitude on the phone .....his mum rang me to ask if i had heard from him because at the moment he is m i a possibly going to the outback..........i promised her if i heard i will let her know because apparently i am one who he would talk too.....he doesnt really trust anyone else bar me.....but he isntvery happy with me at the moment because i told him he shouldnt do something.....because it was wrong that is what friends do dont they? tell friends when they are wrong as well as right....

 

 

the gambolling is something that she will need to see ....i am glad you will give it time.......because i honestly think if she knows it isnt something that will be repeated she will get over it an dyou just may have a stronger friendship from hangin in there ....good luck ....deb

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Yeah friends should not just pat each other on the back. If you think your friend is going down a wrong path you should tell them but also I think the trick is that you tell them in a way you think their would understand because we all have our bias and if a friend is living a way that you don't agree with and you just out right tell them then I think that could cause more resentment than help the matter and ultimately that is want you want to do - help your friend. This way of communicating is not easy though.

 

I hope she can one day see it but I guess ultimately I have done it for me. That part of me had to be conquered if I wanted to live a more healthy and honest life and hopefully this will come across to her.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I had to go NC with my oldest friend after she slept with my bf. I never did get over the betrayal and that was decades ago and I wasn't about to send her the message that she could keep betraying me by pretending I still thought of her as a friend. I'd cut her off once in high school for gossiping about me to a new girl at school and embarrassing me that way, but then ran into her when I went to college and we were in the same dorm -- and since I only knew her and this other girl also from high school, I let bygones be bygones and lived to regret it. The only thing I miss about her at all is her sense of humor, but other than that I really don't have that many great memories about her. It was time for her to go. She envied me and admitted it at the time, was trying to just step into my shoes. She had to go find her own self and I hastened her departure.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
I had to go NC with my oldest friend after she slept with my bf. I never did get over the betrayal and that was decades ago and I wasn't about to send her the message that she could keep betraying me by pretending I still thought of her as a friend. I'd cut her off once in high school for gossiping about me to a new girl at school and embarrassing me that way, but then ran into her when I went to college and we were in the same dorm -- and since I only knew her and this other girl also from high school, I let bygones be bygones and lived to regret it. The only thing I miss about her at all is her sense of humor, but other than that I really don't have that many great memories about her. It was time for her to go. She envied me and admitted it at the time, was trying to just step into my shoes. She had to go find her own self and I hastened her departure.

 

And when you went NC did you feel that you were being immature even though you felt it was very necessary for your healing and protection?

Link to post
Share on other sites
And when you went NC did you feel that you were being immature even though you felt it was very necessary for your healing and protection?

 

That's a good question. We were roommates at the time. I was so angry that I felt like kicking her down the stairs. I still needed to confront the man, too. I avoided going home as much as possible for a few days. On top of what she'd already done, then I found out she'd used my address book and contacted all the guys I knew or was friends with and was using the incident as an excuse to get sympathy and contact them. She didn't know these guys hardly at all as she'd moved there somewhat recently from out of state. Most of the guys, all except one, told her where to stick it because they knew what she did. Her contacting them was the final straw and made me realize this was not a one-time drunken mistake of hers but that she was going to just keep doing things.

 

I had resolved to wait six weeks before deciding to kick her out and terminate the friendship, gave myself time to process it and calm down. I didn't want to regret it later. So I waited six weeks, then knew I had to do it, went and rented another apartment, and then had the talk with her that she needed to move and that I didn't want any more contact with her. She told me what was going on in her head. She'd been going through my closet, trying to imitate me, trying to be me, and the guy thing was part of it.

 

It was a truly horrible time in my life, losing him and her at the same time. I did blame her much more than him and am still friends with him decades later, though I didn't resume a relationship with him. But we worked together, so...He'd only known me a few months. She'd known me since we were kids. She knew it would destroy me. She was old enough to know better. I have no regrets. I only regret I reconciled with her at college. That was a mistake.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • 4 weeks later...
  • Author

So my friend and I had not spoken for close to a month then she rings me today to wish me good luck as I am moving away next week.

 

 

I asked 'why did you call? you could of wished me good luck in your mind as we haven't spoken for awhile and things are not that good between us.'

 

 

She said 'I was looking too much into things.'

 

 

I asked her again 'if she wanted to salvage what was left of our friendship?' and she said 'she doesn't think there is anything left between us.'

 

 

Not sure what too think about it all. Was not brave enough to ask her to not call me again, as that would of really caused more animosity but also after speaking to her it puts me in such as sad and depressive mood.

 

 

Guess I have to accept deep down I have lost this friendship and go TOTAL NC. Very hard and sad :-(

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • 5 months later...
  • Author

My friend concerning this thread has just called me about 6 times after nearly 6 months of not speaking. I don't really wont to speak to her but at the same time I wonder what she wants.

 

 

She has been in Australia for the past 2 months and to be honest I don't really want to hear about it, especially we as friends are not in a good place at the moment.

Link to post
Share on other sites

She probably doesn't want to abandon you when she knows you have a big issue to deal with. In this case, since it was you who messed up, as long as she's willing to just remain in contact, I think you should. This is not uncommon. It's happened to both me and my sister with very close old friends, like soulmates, who got lost in alcoholism. It wasn't either of us who cut them off, but we also wouldn't enable them by ignoring the problem. So for that reason, they cut us off so they didn't have to deal with facing their problem. In my case, my friend's ex agreed to let him have a lot of custody voluntarily of their son once he got sober, on that condition. So that was all great. Then one time he brought the son and came to town to see me and proceeded to drink at lunch with his son there. I said, "I thought the agreement to have your son was not drinking." He stopped talking to me. He will only recontact me if he gets sober again, just like my sister's friend did.

 

If you say you are past the problem, I applaud you for dealing with it. Of course, it will be a temptation going forward like any other addiction, so all your friends and family will have to be wary of it. You can't expect them to trust you fully ever again on that front, but that doesn't mean they don't love you. They love you enough to try to not enable you in the thing which was ruining your life and support you when you try to stop.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Thanks Preraph!

 

 

You have defo given me something to think about.

 

 

Hadn't thought about it in those lines. Its a helpful new perspective.

Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...