90s kid Posted July 26, 2014 Share Posted July 26, 2014 I need advice on how to deal with my extremely moody roommate. 90% of the time she is very pleasant and we get along pretty well. However, whenever she's in a bad mood all bets are off. The tiniest things will set her off and she'll be super moody and quiet for days. She takes out her frustrations on everyone around her, including me, and I'm sick of it. I hate having to walk on egg shells until her mood returns to normal. She's a grown woman in her 30s but lacks the emotional maturity to deal with her emotions properly. I've seen her go off on people in public and it is extremely embarassing! It really brings me down sometimes because it makes me feel like I'm the problem, even though logically I know it has nothing to do with me. Also, sometimes I feel that she uses it for manipulation. When she gets like this, the people around her make allowances for her behavior. I wind up being extra nice to her to ease the tension. But the more I think about it, maybe she does it partly for the benefits of having everyone around her do what she wants. I need a roommate to pay half the rent so I can't move out. Any advice for me? Link to post Share on other sites
Mcscooter Posted July 26, 2014 Share Posted July 26, 2014 I can't really say much because men deal things differently. When I had a roommate who was like that. I would put him in his place. Like one day he was cursing me out for no reason. I told him to shut up, get a straw, and suck it up. In some cases I even asked if he wanted to fight. Came to find out my roommate was suicidal. One of my friends just talked to him. Maybe you should ask if she wants to talk about it. Tell her not to be so aggressive because you don't appreciate it. Does that help? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted July 27, 2014 Share Posted July 27, 2014 It would be helpful to know what she's bitching about. Link to post Share on other sites
famethrowa Posted July 27, 2014 Share Posted July 27, 2014 And this chick's in her 30's?? I think you should talk to her, otherwise it's just going to go on and you're going to get more and more frustrated. Link to post Share on other sites
Tbisb74 Posted July 27, 2014 Share Posted July 27, 2014 I find the palm facing outward with an accompanying "Yah, whatever! you wanna bitch you go ahead, don't drag me down with you!" and walking off will do it. Half the time, a temper tantrum is an attention-seeking device - and when people get into a strop or argument with her, whatever the KIND of attention - she has theirs. Job done. And as you have said, it's manipulative - but get this: You're therefore letting yourself be manipulated. She honestly can't get to you if you don't let her. The more you feed a fire the more it will hot up. Keep calm, and pay no attention - or at least, that's the impression you should give. Even if inside, you are fuming, seething and dying to spark her out, just stay calm, drop your shoulders, avoid even responding or reacting, keep your voice level and Ignore It. "Going off on one again? oh deep joy. How lucky we are." And sit on the couch and read a book. (make sure it's the right way up.. otherwise, the fact that you're merely holding it upside-down, to stop yourself from choking her, is a dead give-away. ) 1 Link to post Share on other sites
GemmaUK Posted July 27, 2014 Share Posted July 27, 2014 Sounds like you have my ex lodger..ish.. My ex lodger was 40 though. Luckily for me she legged it owing me money. Link to post Share on other sites
Author 90s kid Posted July 29, 2014 Author Share Posted July 29, 2014 Half the time, a temper tantrum is an attention-seeking device - and when people get into a strop or argument with her, whatever the KIND of attention - she has theirs. Job done. And as you have said, it's manipulative - but get this: You're therefore letting yourself be manipulated. She honestly can't get to you if you don't let her. The more you feed a fire the more it will hot up. You're right. I need to ignore her instead of feeding into it. The problem is that I'm such a people pleaser. When she gets upset, I feel like I need to fix it. I don't want to get too deep, but it really takes me back to my childhood when my parents would get super temperamental. They would be so easily upset that I became an uber perfectionist/ people pleaser in order to avoid conflict and keep the peace at home. I feel like I'm repeating the same pattern with her--just walking on egg shells and babying her so that she doesn't get mad at me. I know she's an adult and I can't control her behavior or feelings, but ignoring her tantrums is easier said than done for me. Link to post Share on other sites
Tbisb74 Posted July 29, 2014 Share Posted July 29, 2014 It can take super-human resilience to do that. It can get to the point where you're gripping the book so hard, your knuckles are going white, you're clamping your jaw so shut tight your teeth ache and you're refusing to look at her so stubbornly your neck is aching and your veins are popping on your forehead. But you have to do it. Whatever it takes, you have to change YOU - in order to change her effect on you. There's nothing wrong with being a people-pleaser. You need to evaluate what's wrong with the people you please. Do they deserve it? Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted August 4, 2014 Share Posted August 4, 2014 You're right. I need to ignore her instead of feeding into it. The problem is that I'm such a people pleaser. When she gets upset, I feel like I need to fix it. I don't want to get too deep, but it really takes me back to my childhood when my parents would get super temperamental. They would be so easily upset that I became an uber perfectionist/ people pleaser in order to avoid conflict and keep the peace at home. I feel like I'm repeating the same pattern with her--just walking on egg shells and babying her so that she doesn't get mad at me. I know she's an adult and I can't control her behavior or feelings, but ignoring her tantrums is easier said than done for me. Don't fix her. Her moods are not about you at all. Give her space when she gets like that. when she comes out of the bad mood that's when you have sit down with her and tell her how you feel. This woman in her 30's should know better than to make you or anybody else a walking target. Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted August 4, 2014 Share Posted August 4, 2014 I feel like I'm repeating the same pattern with her--just walking on egg shells and babying her so that she doesn't get mad at me. You ARE repeating your childhood patterns...meaning also, still using childish coping mechanisms. The all-important difference is that you're an adult now...and have access to a whole range of more appropriate skills and personal strengths. For self-development...also for your future, when you're a spouse and parent...undertake to eliminate 'unnecesssary' perfectionism, in yourself and also where you're expecting, requiring it from others (underlings, future children, etc.) As an adult: so what if some other adult is irrationally, unreasonably "mad at" or "upset with" you? What are you afraid is going to happen that you have no proper (adult, intelligent, self-responsible, self-loving) way to adequately deal with? If you delve deep enough...you may come to see that others' childish patterns, tantrums, "moods" are not a signal of your demise; YOU have the adult mind and ways to deal with the likes and consequences of others' lack of growing up...yes? It's not easy...will take some effort on your part...but it's totally possible Hugs and best. Link to post Share on other sites
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