Negative girlfriend

[Elle1975]

My friend and I have known each other for a few years. I know she was alienated from her family. I am starting to understand why.

 

I have to say, she had open heart surgery a few years back, and I know it can alter your personality.

 

Anyway.. I went through a break up a few months ago, and she was barely supportive. She spent her time bashing my ex.

 

I have also noticed how if we are with some of her friends, or even strangers, she will try and be the center of attention. It now seems like her friendship with me is something to do when she's bored.

 

I lost my job a month ago, and it hasn't been fun. "when it rains, it pours" is what came to mind at the time.

 

She gave me the same treatment, super negative. She went on and on about how I would never get unemployment since I was fired. She went on saying if I was to get it, it would take 6 weeks. I am not going to get into too many details, but in a nutshell, I then started avoiding her.

 

The unemployment office gave me my unemployment insurance within 3 weeks, stating that my employer should have given me at least one previous warning - I stepped off a ladder while doing my job. I had been working there for years. Unfortunately, in my state, employers can fire at will. I can't get my job back.

 

The cherry on the cake was a few days ago. My complex was bought and is getting fixed up. The workers left all kind of trash in front of the apartment next door. I brought it up, and she let out a very loud and hostile "JC so what?!".

 

Well "so what?" So what is.. I make the effort to keep my place clean. The owner complimented me on the flowers that I grow in front of my place. I just want to get out of my house without looking at random pieces of carpet and empty wrappings. They are done working in the apartment, and I had to throw the crap they left behind in the dumpster.

 

That did it for me. I can't have negativity in my life right now. However, I feel guilty because we've been friends for years. I tried to tell her that she is always so negative. She replied it was in my head.

 

I am a smart person. I know when something is "in my head", and it's definitively not it.

 

I also feel like she sees me as someone who needs fixing. I don't need any fixing. I know who I am, and it might not be what she'd like me to be, but I have a mom, I don't need a second one. Beside my mother is great and I can always talk to her about anything, even relationship issues.

 

I know she also have qualities, but the pros and cons aren't evened out right now. The cons seem to be piling up.

 

Thanks for reading. I just needed to get that off my chest.

Edited July 19, 2014 by Elle1975

[preraph]

I don't mean to be harsh, but I would say it's kind of even on the "negativity" between you and her. You had a breakup and talked to her about it, and to some people, that's a real downer. You say she's not being supportive, but she trashed your ex. To me, that's exactly what you want your friends to do after a breakup. Would you rather she said how wonderful he was and how stupid you were to lose him?

 

You lost your job. That's not a very positive thing you're talking to her about. I agree she could have bolstered you up more, but then I'm not sure what your expectations were, so there's always a possibility she thought you were being overly optimistic. [by the way, if you hurt yourself on the job, seems like a lawsuit would be in order, particularly since they then let you go. I'm in an "at will" state and I see depositions on this stuff all the time. Being in an at will state doesn't mean you can't sue if you're hurt or otherwise feel discriminated against.]

 

And then you complained about something going on next door, which is negative and nitpicky and had nothing to do with her.

 

So neither one of you are great at keeping things light and having a good time. But still, if she rubs you the wrong way and you're pretty sure it's permanent, then no reason to hang on to her. Or work through your current problems and go do something fun with her once you're feeling better and see if she is more fun that way or not.

[Elle1975]

What you want to do when a friend goes through a break up is offer support, not trash the ex. You want to say things like "I'm sorry it happened to you" or "it will give us more time to hang out".

 

The last thing you want to do is say "what a b*tch. I don't even know why you stayed that long with her", because that translates into pointing out your friend's flaws, and this is not showing support.

 

When one of your friends goes through a rough patch, this is where you show the meaning of friendship, and step up. This is where it might be time to keep your opinions to yourself, and listen. This is the right time to say "I'll do what I can to help you"

Edited July 24, 2014 by Elle1975

[preraph]

Friends tell you the truth. What you want is what we pay psychologists for, to listen and listen and not be judgmental.