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some will say...yes, help a friend 100%

 

but my friend likes gambling scratch cards, she is always broke as she borrows £20 from me, her neighbour, her dad, and the bastard who sells her the scatch cards too

 

she expects to borrow money, she does pay it back okay, but she owes credit card companies money too and can only meet minimum repayments, she gambles on her credit cards

 

here is my problem...if i lend her money, because i plan my finances i live within my means, so in lending her money, my rithym of out-goings is messed up, so i warned her not to expect a bonanza, i have the spare money, but she is spending my money quicker than i am myself

 

so....i am trying to work out how to handle this sense of invasion into my wallet...in an emergency okay, but regular bail-outs to a fifty year old make me feel uncomfortable..

 

i feel like telling her to ask the scratch card vendor to pay her back, i prolly will, she sees him as a friend, i see a douche

 

any thoughts?

Edited by darkmoon
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whichwayisup

Your friend gambles so therefore you shouldn't be lending her money.

 

Helping a friend who really is in need of money is one thing. I've done it a few times. But, I won't enable someone who has the cash to go gamble!

 

Don't even open that door. Don't offer and if she asks just say you can't and ask her to speak to her parents for a loan.

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Here's how I treat friends: I give what I can give, without expectation. Never have loaned once. What they do with what I give is up to them.

 

Anyone who expects anything never gets it.

 

I was taught this lesson by a good friend who gave me a six-figure amount to fund a project I was working on. I tried and tried to push proper legal documents in his face and secure the deal and he would have none of it. The key was, in our long friendship, I never expected anything of him. We simply lived life together and had fun.

 

'Sorry, I'm short this week' is all this 'friend' needs to hear. Trust me, they have other 'friends' they tap too. If you're out, someone else isn't, and vice versa. This mindset comes from the worst version being that all you can do is say no, then they smooth it over, move on to the next target and try you again later. If they're gamblers, this is almost a slam-dunk.

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thanks to carhill and whichwayisup...

 

what of me getting her to go to the scrath card vendor to ask for a refund?....not in a nasty way, but just to get her to ask, he might say yes, or at last she will see him for what he is, even a lil

 

carhill....thanks but she knows my finances well, she was not always a gambler, so i did not need to be evasive, she knows all about my bills, and crucially my payday

Edited by darkmoon
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I read this and reflected on the little problem I had with a tooth last night and that I'll be calling the dentist this morning to get a fix-up set up. Oops, there went a couple hundred bucks. I'm short this week. What's she gonna do, look in your mouth? Does she know what's in there too?

 

My example is real but outlines that there's no possible way anyone can know everything that's going on in your life. Stuff happens. Yep, even 'fictionally'. Use it.

 

Don't try to reason with addicts and users. It almost never works. They don't process thoughts and relationships in the same way. Long experience with that, and the mentally ill. Save yourself. See the dentist ;)

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any thoughts?

Draw the line and say no. If she only sticks around because of your money, you will find out soon enough.

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Draw the line and say no. If she only sticks around because of your money, you will find out soon enough.

 

she is a kind and extravert person, a compatible friend for me, popular, a nice woman regardless, just feverish with gambling

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I read this and reflected on the little problem I had with a tooth last night and that I'll be calling the dentist this morning to get a fix-up set up. Oops, there went a couple hundred bucks. I'm short this week. What's she gonna do, look in your mouth? Does she know what's in there too?

 

My example is real but outlines that there's no possible way anyone can know everything that's going on in your life. Stuff happens. Yep, even 'fictionally'. Use it.

 

Don't try to reason with addicts and users. It almost never works. They don't process thoughts and relationships in the same way. Long experience with that, and the mentally ill. Save yourself. See the dentist ;)

 

carhill - please tell me, from your experience, any clues or tidbits you've seen, just to even nudge her into giving up this folly even for a moment or an hour...any thing at all would really be amazing, thank you

Edited by darkmoon
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she is a kind and extravert person, a compatible friend for me, popular, a nice woman regardless, just feverish with gambling

If that's all true, she will understand when she says no.

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carhill - i would really like any professional insights, any tips or clues to help her just for a moment or an hour to stop being into gambling, any thing, thank you

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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I really don't know of a sure way to reliably thwart a true gambler personality. IMO, it's a lifelong disease. I know there are 12 step programs for it but, like alcoholism, one must be recovering each day for the rest of their lives. A lot of people who gamble simply won't do that. They see it as an acceptable, and legal, vice.

 

I have a friend whose wife gambles to excess and I mean to excess, into the mid-5 figures. They can afford it but her hiding creates havoc in their lives, mainly from the IRS. He's tried and tried but has been unable to stem the flow. Never underestimate the resourcefulness and ingenuity of an addict in pursuit of their fix. Just stay out of the way. Save yourself.

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The rule of thumb is to never lend money that you cannot write off. Friends or family.

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I once told someone "I'm sorry, but I don't feel comfortable fueling your bad habits".

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The rule of thumb is to never lend money that you cannot write off. Friends or family.

 

I agree entirely

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I once told someone "I'm sorry, but I don't feel comfortable fueling your bad habits".

^^^^This is what you should tell her!

If she continues to ask for money, offer to buy her food or bus ticket or whatever she needs it for, but draw the line, tell her your earnings will not be gambled anymore. End of story.

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