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Surprised and angry by lack of Facebook birthday wishers


Cafe au lait

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Cafe au lait

It was recently my birthday and I had 34 people tell me happy birthday on Facebook, plus 2 text me. Two years ago it was 50-something, then 40-something, and now 34. I don't feel like I'm bleeding friends every year, but I do feel like this year MANY people who I expected to wish me happy birthday did not. I entered college this year and joined the debate team. I'm friends with like 30 of them on Facebook, but only four told me happy birthday. What really pissed me off were the two debaters that "liked" a fellow debater's birthday post on my wall, making it obvious that they knew it was my birthday, but didn't say happy birthday themselves! My debate partner didn't even tell me happy birthday, neither did about 6 pretty good friends from high school who always are excited about my birthday.

 

Of course, I got a few random "happy birthdays" from people that I haven't spoken to in years.

 

I get that people are busy and maybe just weren't on Facebook today. But there are too many people that I expected to say happy birthday but didn't for this to be plausible for most of them. I even saw a couple of my close high school friends on Facebook today so I know they were on. Plus, at my age, pretty much everyone goes on fb multiple times a day.

 

I know that I'm not generally disliked in college. I was voted dorm president over a relatively popular girl. I have zero enemies in college, and people usually say hi when they see me. I guess people feel neutral or slightly amicable towards me but not enough to care to type "happy birthday."

 

For reference, I have 500+ fb friends, which is slightly low in my social circle. Most of the people I'm fb friends with get over 75 birthday wall posts, regularly topping 100 and even 200. I know some people might think 34 is a lot, but everything is relative, and in my "Facebook circle" it's considered very very low. However, the much more important thing is that it's really disheartening that people who I thought were my friends (and who I always tell happy birthday to) didn't say anything. I don't expect anything from people I'm only casually friends with, but multiple people who I have a long history with said nothing, and it pains me. And my debate partner with whom I won two tournaments with? Nothing, really?? Because of my weird schedule, I'm home for my birthday and I literally don't have a single friend here at the moment (they're all either on campus, in their own hometown, or at this competition).

 

What's different about this year to cause the drop in birthday wishes? Is it because we're in college now so some of my high school friends don't care about maintaining our friendship anymore? Did the debaters not say anything because I'm not "cool" enough but they beg me to stay on the team during the academic year because I help them win trophies?

 

Also, I'm considering deleting Facebook for the summer. The only thing stopping me is that in about a week I'll be participating in a university program with 30 people I don't know but that I'll be spending the whole summer with, and I know fb is a great way to communicate with people you've just met and don't know well.

Edited by Cafe au lait
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I hide my birthday on Facebook so I don't get "Happy Birthday" messages from people who really don't give a damn about me.

 

This way only the people who actually know me, and know when my birthday is contact me.

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Cafe au lait

I should have done that, in hindsight. But now it's too late and I am sad. Next year!

 

Edit: I actually have a friend who did that this year and he only got 1 birthday post on his wall (from a relative), but last year (when his birthday was publicly visible) he got 89. Haha. But at least people care about him superficially, which is more than I can claim.

Edited by Cafe au lait
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I got less happy birthday posts this year as well. I think people are growing tired of facebook and the less posts may have nothing to do with you.

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Enigma said it perfectly. Your friends will wish you a happy birthday regardless of Facebook. If they don't remember, it's their issue and not a reflection on you. Just make sure you wish people a happy birthday!:)

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I think you care way too much about Facebook. Collecting friends on Facebook should not be a concern.

 

^^^this. You're using Facebook as a measure of your popularity and validating yourself thru it.

 

Seven paragraphs and how many words written about your distress over this? And a breakdown of birthday wishes by year? Self described as angry? Yes, you need to delete Facebook, or you'll end up friendless IRL, because you'll hold people's Facebook transgressions against them.

 

I've also heard there are now therapists who deal with Facebook addiction. Might want to check into it.

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Really? With all the stuff going on in life & the world, this is what you are worried about?

 

 

FB is evil. It's like Christmas newsletters you can't get rid of & they show up every day all year.

 

 

My b-day is hidden & I don't wish anybody a Happy Birthday on FB. If I care enough about you to wish you a happy birthday I will send you a snail mail card that I took the time to pick out & mail to you or I will find you & take you out for your birthday. I only want birthday wishes from people who care that much about me too.

 

 

Let it go. Before the advent of FB 490 of your 500 friends would not have known it was your birthday anyway.

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whichwayisup

As long as the important people in your life said hbd, that is what counts, not whomever on facebook. Are you truly good friends and in each of those people's lives?

 

Maybe some didn't log in that day and missed your bday notification, or maybe they didn't see that it was your birthday.

 

Happy belated, hope you had a fun day though!

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learning_slowly

I like people on my Facebook, but I don't wish them happy birthday as it is superficial. If I was able to go to a drink with them, that would be different and I'd buy them a beer etc extra.

 

I think many people see through the facade of Facebook these days and don't bother saying happy birthday. I worry about the friends that do take notice.

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Cafe au lait

I feel like a number of people on this thread are completely missing the reason why I am upset, so perhaps I should clarify if my original post was misleading.

 

I am not interested in "collecting" friends on Facebook. I don't care about the random posts I got from people I haven't spoken to in years. I specifically mentioned I'm upset about the lack of happy birthdays from people who I THOUGHT were my friends- i.e. my debate partner or friends from high school and even a few college friends I didn't mention. If I didn't know better, I would think that people responded to the (admittedly bad) title of this post alone and ignored what I actually wrote.

 

The number of fb friends I provided is a point of reference. Some people, especially as you get older, don't care about Facebook. But obviously by the number of fb friends I and my peers have, Facebook is a major part of our lives. It's a product of the generation we live in. Facebook was MADE for college students from the start.

 

Really? With all the stuff going on in life & the world, this is what you are worried about?

 

So yes, this is what I'm worried about. I'm not unaware of larger problems in the world, especially seeing as I go to a very liberal major university. I understand the perspective of many people who have posted on this thread- yes, Facebook is not really that important and I shouldn't care that much about it or spend a lot of time on it. And to prove I truly see where you're all coming from, I plan on deleting fb after I'm in the university program for a week- giving people the chance to get my contact information if they want it.

 

So I ask that you try to see from perspective here. I can't exactly talk to any of my friends about this, because it's embarrassing. I know that most of you are older than me (I'm 19), and I have a strong feeling that Facebook isn't used as much among you and your friends (this is what I've seen with all the older people I know). But imagine if you only had a few people wish you happy birthday, not even many of the people you thought were really your friends, while all your other friends received many more birthday wishes, both from their casual and good friends.

 

Also, to the person who suggested facebook addiction therapy, I sure hope that was a joke. :p Because if not, you must be really out of touch with the younger generation's Facebook usage. (Also, when did I ever say I spend a lot of time on it?? I'm only doing so now because like I said earlier, I'm alone in my hometown).

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I wasn't joking, there truly are therapists who deal with Facebook addiction. You can google it.

 

If you're looking at who was online on Facebook on your birthday, and 'liking' other things, but noting that they couldn't bother to type happy birthday, you have a problem. And comparing the number of messages you got to the number of messages your friends got? That's obsessing.

 

In the end, they are typed words on a computer screen. How much thought does anyone have to put into that? Maybe Facebook will come up with a program that sends out a generic message to everyone on your friends list on their birthdays, if that's all it takes to validate people.

 

I'd rather have six people call me up or meet me for a drink than have 500 people send an impersonal computer message that takes no thought or effort.

 

If Facebook was created for college students, why are you embarrassed to talk to your friends about this? Wouldn't they be the very people to understand? Or did you mean you're embarrassed to admit to the number of messages you got? Speculating as to reasons - am I not 'cool' enough for the debaters? - yea, that points to some serious insecurity.

 

Lastly, Facebook existence or not, not everyone places the same importance on birthdays that you do. Realize that.

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learning_slowly

Facebook is already out of date with the young. Teenagers are starting to use viber etc.

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Smilecharmer

You sound really young so I will break the harsh truth to you....other people have lives that don't revolve around you. If they didn't wish you Happy Birthday, they may have been busy or concerned with a parking ticket or maybe they just don't like you as much as you want to be liked. You see, when we are young we think everyone we know who participates in our lives is our friend, but as we grow older, we know better. You will have one or two best friends and three or four friends.

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Happy Birthday, OP.

 

This might be difficult for you, but my advice would be to learn how to let these sorts of things go. The sooner you learn to do this, the better off you will be later on. You are going to encounter much harsher realities in life than not getting enough happy birthdays on your Facebook. Don't sweat the small stuff. Don't resent your friends for minor infractions. Learn to forgive. Your family and friends' love cannot be measured by numbers on a screen.

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Yes it's sad when people forget your birthday. If your issue is that it didn't get celebrated IRL, I can & will sympathize more. No one likes to feel unimportant. If your issue is that you didn't get the majority of your FB friends to post something you are being silly.

 

Assuming it's the former, take stock of your own life. Do you reach out for others on their special day? If not, start because then you will get more regoinition next year.

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OP, you are rather upset over this, to the point you have kept track of years of Happy Birthday posts. You actually COUNT them. The ones that said Happy Birthday probably only did it cause Facebook reminded them. Just thank the ones who said Happy Birthday and be done with it. This is just not worth getting upset about.

 

As far as why you get less certain years, I am sure the day of the week your Birthday falls on might have some effect? Maybe people are on more at certain times than others? I have no clue, but surely there are more important things to think about.

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Do you post Happy Birthday to all 500+ of your friends on Facebook? You'd be saying it once or twice maybe even thrice evrey single day!! How do you deal with the burden of it all?? Do you ever forget one of them?? How do you deal with the guilt if you do???

Cut your 'friends' some slack. The real test is who show's up at your funeral!

 

P.S Happy Birthday!!!!

Edited by mrs rubble
Forgot to say Happy Birthday!
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Cafe au lait

Warning to all: I'm currently seething over an argument I just had with my dad, but which I'd rather not think about, so to avoid thinking about it I'm going to reply to most of the posts on here. If I seem angry, it's probably because I'm angry at my father.

 

I wasn't joking, there truly are therapists who deal with Facebook addiction. You can google it.

 

I'm quite aware of the existence of such therapists. The part I assumed was a joke was your suggestion for ME to see a therapist.

 

If you're looking at who was online on Facebook on your birthday, and 'liking' other things, but noting that they couldn't bother to type happy birthday, you have a problem. And comparing the number of messages you got to the number of messages your friends got? That's obsessing.

 

Saying that I "have a problem" for doing those things is absolutely ridiculous. I look at who is online regardless of whether it's my birthday, because the display of who's online takes up a quarter of my computer screen! Similarly, I noticed they liked a post because it was ON MY WALL and it was funny, which leads me to think more about that person, and then I realize they haven't said happy birthday. I'm not actively going out and seeking people, these are all people I'm already thinking about for one reason or another and then I notice. As far as comparing the number of messages I got to other people, I only do so because it's so noticeable. If the difference was minor, I'm sure I wouldn't notice. But when it's 30 vs. 200, well, it's pretty damn obvious.

 

In the end, they are typed words on a computer screen. How much thought does anyone have to put into that? Maybe Facebook will come up with a program that sends out a generic message to everyone on your friends list on their birthdays, if that's all it takes to validate people.

 

I'd rather have six people call me up or meet me for a drink than have 500 people send an impersonal computer message that takes no thought or effort.

 

Again, as I've said twice already, I'm alone in my hometown so I can't meet up with anyone. Thus, all communication with my friends would be electronic. Yes, I'd love a phone call but as all of you have emphasized, people are busy. That's why I'm thankful for a simple Facebook message or text (of which I only received two). In fact, my point is that, as you stated yourself, writing a Facebook message takes so little effort that it's sad that some of my friends couldn't do even that.

 

If Facebook was created for college students, why are you embarrassed to talk to your friends about this? Wouldn't they be the very people to understand? Or did you mean you're embarrassed to admit to the number of messages you got? Speculating as to reasons - am I not 'cool' enough for the debaters? - yea, that points to some serious insecurity.

 

Because no one talks about Facebook in real life. It's like a completely separate world.

 

As far as your suggestion that I have "serious insecurity," I just want to thank you for pointing it out and providing helpful and constructive solutions for me to be less insecure. I know it's silly for me to speculate the reasons behind things-- I mean, gosh, why should I be using my insecure brain for things like cause-and-effect relationships? Why in the world should I be thinking about whether the people I spend the most time with, the debaters, genuinely like me as a person or whether they're just using me to help the team look good? I should just assume that they all love me and think I'm "cool" regardless of what the evidence points to. After all, ignorance is bliss!

 

Lastly, Facebook existence or not, not everyone places the same importance on birthdays that you do. Realize that.

 

This would be a valid point except we already know that they DO place the same importance on birthdays, having said happy birthday in the past and wishing happy birthday to other people on Facebook.

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Cafe au lait
Facebook is already out of date with the young. Teenagers are starting to use viber etc.

 

There are certainly new social media platforms that are popular, such as snapchat, instagram, and twitter, but Facebook is still the most used among the circle of people I interact with most. I've never heard of viber, personally.

 

You sound really young so I will break the harsh truth to you....other people have lives that don't revolve around you. If they didn't wish you Happy Birthday, they may have been busy or concerned with a parking ticket or maybe they just don't like you as much as you want to be liked. You see, when we are young we think everyone we know who participates in our lives is our friend, but as we grow older, we know better. You will have one or two best friends and three or four friends.

 

They weren't busy, they posted stuff on Facebook that showed up on my newsfeed, and I saw they were online. They probably just don't like me that much, which is the entire point of my original post. They aren't really my friends, which is sad.

 

Happy Birthday, OP.

 

This might be difficult for you, but my advice would be to learn how to let these sorts of things go. The sooner you learn to do this, the better off you will be later on. You are going to encounter much harsher realities in life than not getting enough happy birthdays on your Facebook. Don't sweat the small stuff. Don't resent your friends for minor infractions. Learn to forgive. Your family and friends' love cannot be measured by numbers on a screen.

 

Well, it seems like they aren't really my friends anyway, so I should probably let them go.

 

Yes it's sad when people forget your birthday. If your issue is that it didn't get celebrated IRL, I can & will sympathize more. No one likes to feel unimportant. If your issue is that you didn't get the majority of your FB friends to post something you are being silly.

 

Assuming it's the former, take stock of your own life. Do you reach out for others on their special day? If not, start because then you will get more regoinition next year.

 

Yeah, unfortunately there was no way to celebrate my birthday with friends IRL because they are all in another city (I feel like I'm repeating myself). I was hoping they would at least send a text, call, or post on Facebook in light of this. I already mentioned that for people I don't know well (which is the majority of my Facebook friends), I really don't care whether or not they post. So my issue is definitely not with the majority of my friends not posting, it's with the few (maybe 10-ish) that I thought I was good enough friends with for them to say SOMETHING.

 

OP, you are rather upset over this, to the point you have kept track of years of Happy Birthday posts. You actually COUNT them. The ones that said Happy Birthday probably only did it cause Facebook reminded them. Just thank the ones who said Happy Birthday and be done with it. This is just not worth getting upset about.

 

As far as why you get less certain years, I am sure the day of the week your Birthday falls on might have some effect? Maybe people are on more at certain times than others? I have no clue, but surely there are more important things to think about.

 

No, I do not count them. You're probably not familiar with Facebook, but it actually tells you how many posts there are because it consolidates them all-- i.e. "33 people posted on your wall for your birthday." This is only my third year on Facebook. And since my birthday is important to me, I easily remember roughly how many posts I got the last two years, last year it was 40-something, the year before it was around 50. If I wanted to know the exact number, Facebook would tell me.

 

No, we understand completely. You are upset over the lack of attention you are getting on Facebook. We get it.

 

Hmm, based on your biased wording, no, you don't seem to understand completely. I'm upset over the lack of attention I'm getting on Facebook FROM people I thought were good friends and who I cannot hang out in person with right now.

 

Not everyone is going to remember your birthday. If it wasn't for Facebook reminding me, I wouldn't say happy birthday to most of my friends. Even with the reminders, I don't check Facebook enough to catch em all. People aren't sitting around watching Facebook waiting for birthdays. If they are, I really feel bad for them.

 

As I've said before, the people in my social circle are on Facebook multiple times a day. Your own lack of presence on Facebook is therefore irrelevant.

 

I don't even know how many Facebook "friends" I have, nor do I care. There is no point to it. I hope that you will one day understand this.

 

I didn't know either, until I purposefully checked so I could include it in my original post, thinking it might be of use to readers.

 

That's because experience has taught us the important things in life. One of my best friends always posts on his wall for his birthday saying not to post on his wall, that if you want to tell him happy birthday, give him a call.

 

I've already stated that I plan on doing something similar in the future, that is, not publicly posting my birthday.

 

This is one of the most depressing things I have ever read. I am not a good enough writer to convey just how sad this really is.

 

Sorry. Hope your writing improves.

 

It was never meant to be a "major part of our lives." It was just meant as a way to spread gossip, ect.

 

Regardless, it has evolved into being a major part of our lives. Apple was started in a garage. Ben and Jerry's started in a rundown gas station. Neither were initially meant to be a "major part of our lives" but they are now.

 

There is no reason to delete Facebook, it does serve a purpose. I have friends all over that Facebook has helped me keep in touch with. After college is over, it will do the same for you. Your problem is that you're making Facebook into more than it should be.

 

Wait a second.

 

You just stated that Facebook is meant to keep you in touch with people that live far away from you.

 

I'm upset that good friends who I don't get to see in person didn't use Facebook to say happy birthday.

 

By your own logic, I'm not "making Facebook into more than it should be."

 

That's because a lot of older people have things to do. Honestly though, I am friends with some housewives and single moms that post every little thing they do on Facebook. It's not just the young people.

 

Now we run into another problem. You are too worried about other people's lives. I'm sure I have plenty of friends who get more happy birthday wishes than I do, and I really don't care. I'm too busy enjoying my birthday.

 

It's not a matter of the amount of time you spend on Facebook, it's the importance it has in your life.

 

I'm glad you could enjoy your birthday, presumably with friends, but as I've said multiple times, my friends aren't in town. Luckily I was still able to be with my family for part of it.

 

Do you post Happy Birthday to all 500+ of your friends on Facebook? You'd be saying it once or twice maybe even thrice evrey single day!! How do you deal with the burden of it all?? Do you ever forget one of them?? How do you deal with the guilt if you do???

Cut your 'friends' some slack. The real test is who show's up at your funeral!

 

P.S Happy Birthday!!!!

 

No, of course not. I only post happy birthday to people I consider real friends. But those same people who I thought were really my friends didn't tell me happy birthday. I never said I expected something from all 500, in fact, I explicitly stated that my issue was with a few of them.

 

Thank you!!!

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whichwayisup

I hate that facebook can make people doubt real friendships. Not talking about someone you casually worked with or a friend from the past that you see once in a blue moon, but those who are in your daily life. You could bring it up to them if you are upset and hurt that they forgot your bday.

 

Oh, just thought of this, many who use cell phones on fb don't and can't see notifications of birthdays. That could be another reason why..

 

Anyway, next year make it more important to focus on people who actually call you directly or text you to wish you a happy birthday.

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I can relate. I have only a small number of close friends and family on Facebook. But when I posted about being in hospital for months earlier this year, the only person who answered was my sister.

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Warning to all: I'm currently seething over an argument I just had with my dad, but which I'd rather not think about, so to avoid thinking about it I'm going to reply to most of the posts on here. If I seem angry, it's probably because I'm angry at my father.

[\QUOTE]

 

 

Well, I'm glad you got that out, and sincerely hope you feel better. Did your dad do anything for your birthday?

 

 

And, happy belated birthday, BTW.

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Yeah, its kinda of rude for them not to wish you a happy birthday when they know that its your birthday. I think that most people don't care about people's birthday unless you actually throw a party. I had a friend from high school-this friend I have know since 1997, who didn't even wish me a happy birthday on facebook, when it was obvious that that is said it on my facebook! I'm like ok.. whatever. I just hide that info, so that I wouldn't have to feel like **** that no one wished me a happy-b day.

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amaysngrace

Sometimes I like something someone says rather than saying it myself. If it were me liking someone wishing you a happy birthday then I did wish you happy birthday in my mind.

 

On a side note, I don't think it's wise to consider online validation. Allowing people to have that much influence on your mood isn't good. In either direction.

 

but Happy Birthday!!

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Have you ever thought that you might be putting a bit (understatement) too much stock in FB wishes? Not everyone logs in to FB every day. I login about 3-4 times a week, so I wish the people whose birthdays fall on those days. If it is a (rare) close friend, then I make myself a reminder to text them, but surely you can't expect 50+ people to do that for you.

 

Your behaviour really sounds obsessive IMO. I don't think most healthy people compare the number of FB wishes they get between years and the number of wishes their friends get... Isn't there more to a special occasion for you than FB?? Go out with friends, or if none are available IRL, pamper yourself and have a nice time. Don't waste your time obsessing over a social media site.

Edited by Elswyth
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