How to handle this divide in my social group?

[Aedra]

A new person has been kind of invited/forced his way into my online group of friends and it has divided us into two. We're all into online gamers and share struggles with social anxiety, we've known each other for years but I've been trying hard to open up more socially and I'm happy with my progress.

 

This new guy has the habit of talking over people and shows little interest in others from my experience. If the spotlight is not on him he appears to get kind of bored, but maybe it is nerves. It was made clear to him that his habit of talking over people was irritating, and he's been better at not doing this at least. He makes targeted sexual jokes towards the two females in our group, including me. I heard he was bisexual...but focuses on the women. I am left not knowing how to respond at all...they are just majorly awkward for me to say the least. He is married with two children, which makes it even more awkward, but his wife does not care apparently. He even joked he was a sociopath... honestly not sure if he was joking or not but he acts like one. He's going through some health problems at the moment and I've heard he's pretty lonely, so I do feel bad for him to a degree.

 

He is fairly good friends with two of the people in our group and tends to only hang around them, since he has pretty much driven off the rest. (Sexual jokes towards the other girl and dominant personality) He has forced his way into our group by buying online gifts for 3 of the group and buying the same game some of us play together, all within 2 days of meeting him. It's has come off to me as quite calculating and desperate, like he is trying to buy our friendship and attention.

 

I have been advised not to be too forward with how I feel about him or risk ruining our social group. It's giving me mixed feelings, I know I need to make it clear I am not happy with how he's been acting but at the same time...if I say the wrong thing I could ruin the fragile web of relationships going on in a way if that makes sense. I have burnt bridges in the past because I was *too* blunt with things and just have all around social anxiety I'm dealing with, so I feel like I'm on egg shells.

 

I've talked about it more with some of my friends...they're all pretending everything's OK/avoiding him altogether or trying to be diplomatic. I feel like I am essentially forced to play an online game alongside this guy I don't like at all because he is friends with the two other people I play it with. One of those friends even told me I was acting too judgemental and need to accept people more...but why should I accept a person making sexual jokes I'm not comfortable with and have a personality I simply don't mesh with? Some things can't be forced right? It's just left me confused and lacking confidence.

 

What is the most effective solution here? Anyway sorry if that was a bit long and thanks for any advice, be as honest as needed, I am like on training wheels when it comes to socializing and friendship due to social anxiety issues my whole life.

Edited June 17, 2014 by Aedra

[Els]

Can't you just ignore him and not interact with him? That's much easier to do in an online game than in real life.

 

That being said, in all the large groups of friends I've ever been in (both IRL and online), there is always at least one person who annoys the ever-living hell out of me. I've come to accept that as a fact of life. I stand my ground if they try anything funny with me, but other than that I just mostly minimize direct interaction with them.

[Aedra]

I wish I could but its very hard because of who's friends with who. I feel awkward saying "Sorry dude, I don't want to hang out with you." That's like the only thing I can do to avoid regular contact with him. It feels awkward as hell. It's too stressful for me to even be in the same chat with him now, guess I just have to be forward and deal with the rest?

Edited June 18, 2014 by Aedra

[tnimbus]

I played a couple of online games for about two years, and unfortunately they draw in very real sociopaths and narcissists. No, not everyone, there are some nice people, BUT, this guy is outright saying,"I'm a sociopath." When someone says something like that, take them at their word, and block them. DO NOT feel sorry for him, DO NOT be around someone that your good instincts are telling you is a bad person, even if some of your chat/game buddies are falling for it.

LISTEN to your gut. You stated that there are already people,(mostly female), who have left your group over his sexual comments, maybe talk to them, and leave this man's acolytes behind. Also, possibly report him to game admin for inappropriate behavior. He's giving off numerous red flags of being a very toxic person, stay away from him at all costs.

Also, and I say this from having to sharply examine some "online game" friendships of my own, and end them, I don't mean it to sound harsh, but if it's "online" only, it's an acquaintanceship, not a "friendship." I'm telling myself this too, as I tell you, so please don't think I'm trying to be nasty...the online worlds can get falsely intimate, friends, or more then friends, but in the end, there is nothing substantial to base these relationships on. I get being socially anxious as well, my LTP and I both have a bit of that, and making friends can be hard for us in the RW too. It's worth it to try though, to be brave and step out into the RW. 2 friends in the real, physical world are worth much more then 10 "online" acquaintances. I hope that helps.

[jbelle6]

I make jokes that I am socio when I'm in my robot mode. It's a joke.

 

I don't think this is a DANGER situation, just an ignore situation.

 

Seems no one else has an issue with him so maybe he just rubs you the wrong way. It happens in group settings. It's not like you have to sit across from the guy at a restaurant.