Is this really what a friend would do?

[hardtohandlethis]

I've liked a girl since October. She, I and a mutual male friend started getting to know each other by the same time. When I like someone, I *really* like someone.

 

Now, it's been a few hard months. It was hard to get to know she doesn't like me. I'm trying to get over her right now but it's hard because we're in the same friend circles and all.

 

About two months ago I got really paranoid and asked the mutual friend if he liked her. He told me he didn't. Just to be sure I asked him to tell me if he ever started liking her. I mentioned that I had only liked one person before in my life and she got together with my friend. That caused the friendship I had with my old friend to end. I didn't want that to happen again. He said he would tell me but tried reassuring me saying he probably wouldn't like her.

 

So two months down the line (about a week ago) I'm telling myself he doesn't like her. He would tell me if he did. They might start ballet together next term but he has told me he doesn't like her so it's fine. He might make her laugh more and is more likable than me but I don't need to worry because he's a friend and if he liked her he would tell me because he knows I've had it rough.

 

Well... yesterday I was hanging out with a female friend of mine and the mutual friend who knew my crush since before all of this. I can't remember the exact conversation but she said jokingly that the mutual friend and my crush was going on a date. (They were not. That's out of context.) And I just freezed for a second, then tried to look normal. She noticed. Later she called me and asked if I like the girl in question. I told her the truth. She then told me it must be hard when a close friend likes the same person. I didn't know what she meant so I asked her. Apparantly he had asked her a few days prior if she knew stuff that the crush liked to do. I was really frustrated and angry.

 

Not because he likes her. If anything, I really get that. I'm angry because I made it clear that I want him to tell me if he ever started to like her because the last time it happened it ended a friendship with an old friend. I know he has also seen me react poorly and feel bad when he does things such as spontaniously dancing with her. The act itself of liking her is completely understandable. The fact that he just completely ignores telling me is what makes me angry.

 

So I asked him very sincerely to please please tell me the truth. He said that he noticed he had a slight interest about a week ago and tried to reassure me by saying that he doesn't like her as much as I do... Which makes me even more irritated because it can't be a slight interest if he asked the female friend what the crush likes to do. I bet he wouldn't even have told me if I didn't ask him with a serious attitude.

 

I told him that I don't have any right to tell him or her who to be with. I just told him that if they got together I know I wouldn't be able to handle it well just so he knows. It's better to be honest than to tell him after all that has happened.

 

Am I being unfair or is he genuinely being a bit of a douche by acting this way?

Edited May 29, 2014 by hardtohandlethis

[preraph]

I know how hard this situation is for you. I had to quit a best friend because she slept with a guy I had been dating and was in love with. So normally I tell people to dump their friends if they can't be trusted not to leave someone alone you are in a relationship with.

 

But you were never in a relationship with this girl because you knew right away she wasn't interested. He met her about the same time as you, so you both have equal rights to get to know her. Again, I totally understand those feelings like you'll get over this faster without having to deal with this complication. It is alarming to you to have to deal with it. But that is your problem. Your friend has been nice so far and didn't rush into anything with her, and I'm sure it was for your benefit. But you need to now be a true friend to him and tell him to do whatever he needs to do but ask him to not do it in your presence or talk to you about doing it in order to help you move past this more quickly. The girl was never yours and you're, frankly, lucky you found out right away she wasn't interested so she didn't waste a bunch of your time and emotions.

 

Now it's time for you to get busy seeing friends and taking up hobbies or taking a class or whatever to distract yourself so this girl fades from your focus. I know that can be hard if you're down, but that's even more reason to get up and make it happen. Better luck next time.

[d0nnivain]

Did your buddy's feelings for this girl develop after it was clear that she didn't like you?

 

If it had only been a week that he was thinking about her romantically I wouldn't completely write him off as a friend yet. He probably hadn't worked out what if anything he was going to do about her or how he was going to talk to you.

 

Yes, you are hurt & disappointed and you feel betrayed but as far as I can tell other than asking about her interests he had not done anything about his developing feelings. If he found they had nothing in common, perhaps he was not going to pursue her because it wasn't worth hurting you.

 

Nobody in here was trying to hurt you or make fun of you. Your buddy could have handled things better but your request that he tell you if he felt something was a bit outside of the norm, imo.

 

Be the bigger man & find a way to interact with everybody. Meanwhile, keep your eyes open for a girl to date who likes you back.

[darkmoon]

find a new circle of ppl, see less of this lot, things are not working out and you, or me for example, could not live with it, watching what i lost

 

it is summer, live life well:)

 

watching hot girls seeing who likes you back and all that

[hardtohandlethis]

I know how hard this situation is for you. I had to quit a best friend because she slept with a guy I had been dating and was in love with. So normally I tell people to dump their friends if they can't be trusted not to leave someone alone you are in a relationship with.

 

But you were never in a relationship with this girl because you knew right away she wasn't interested. He met her about the same time as you, so you both have equal rights to get to know her. Again, I totally understand those feelings like you'll get over this faster without having to deal with this complication. It is alarming to you to have to deal with it. But that is your problem. Your friend has been nice so far and didn't rush into anything with her, and I'm sure it was for your benefit. But you need to now be a true friend to him and tell him to do whatever he needs to do but ask him to not do it in your presence or talk to you about doing it in order to help you move past this more quickly. The girl was never yours and you're, frankly, lucky you found out right away she wasn't interested so she didn't waste a bunch of your time and emotions.

 

Now it's time for you to get busy seeing friends and taking up hobbies or taking a class or whatever to distract yourself so this girl fades from your focus. I know that can be hard if you're down, but that's even more reason to get up and make it happen. Better luck next time.

 

I have told him this. I told him it's fine if he likes her. I just wish he even had the intention of telling me instead of just ignoring me because ultimately that would've led to me finding out by an update in a facebook relationship status or something.

 

And I didn't find out right away that she didn't like me. I never asked her. It took three months for me to finally grasp the concept of having no chance and I felt ****. I wasted tons of emotional energy and I hated it. I'm trying to get over her now so I don't waste even more emotional energy on this but jealousy, as stupid and ****ty as it is, is whats putting fuel into the fire again.

[hardtohandlethis]

Did your buddy's feelings for this girl develop after it was clear that she didn't like you?

 

If it had only been a week that he was thinking about her romantically I wouldn't completely write him off as a friend yet. He probably hadn't worked out what if anything he was going to do about her or how he was going to talk to you.

 

Yes, you are hurt & disappointed and you feel betrayed but as far as I can tell other than asking about her interests he had not done anything about his developing feelings. If he found they had nothing in common, perhaps he was not going to pursue her because it wasn't worth hurting you.

 

Nobody in here was trying to hurt you or make fun of you. Your buddy could have handled things better but your request that he tell you if he felt something was a bit outside of the norm, imo.

 

Be the bigger man & find a way to interact with everybody. Meanwhile, keep your eyes open for a girl to date who likes you back.

 

He knows her and has known her for about half a year. It's very obvious that he asked with the intention of impressing her or finding something special that he can look good through.

 

I totally get that it's out of the norm. I knew that. That's why I told him that I get if it's an odd request and I get it if he feels uncomfortable making such a promise. But he did and in my opinion you have the responsibility to stand up for what you promise people and he didn't.

[hardtohandlethis]

find a new circle of ppl, see less of this lot, things are not working out and you, or me for example, could not live with it, watching what i lost

 

it is summer, live life well:)

 

watching hot girls seeing who likes you back and all that

 

That's the problem. This circle of friends is present in the class I'm getting into and that circle of friends is pretty much 50% of the class. I can't just avoid them.

 

Yes, I hope summer will help.

 

I don't really care for "hot" people. Personality weighs heavier...

[Rar0]

No, it isn't.