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Friend who got very upset with me


ThursdayChild

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ThursdayChild

Can I get your honest opinions please everyone?

 

 

A recent post on here inspired me to ask this question as it got me thinking. A friend of mine recently told me she isn't having more children because she had terrible post partum mental health issues and the stress is not good for her and her family. I told her she should adopt.

 

 

She got very upset with me, told me I should educate myself and when I've gone through what women do who have these issues or I adopt then I have a valid opinion- and even then I should keep it to myself. She has barely spoken to me since.

 

 

She didn't exactly ask for my opinion but don't I have a right to it?

Was I honestly wrong??

Edited by ThursdayChild
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Weird. All you did was suggest another option for her. I don't know why she's so offended.

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I think she wants more biological children, and is very angry that she cannot have them due to her post-partum depression. Underneath all of that is tremendous sadness, of course.

 

 

But, she's probably judging herself pretty harshly for the depression.

 

 

When you suggested another option she probably projected her anger onto you.

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I agree with Keenly. I am also utterly flabbergasted that you would even think saying something like that is remotely OK to say to a friend. I agree with your friend and would also question my friendship with you if you were that dismissive and flippant towards an obviously huge issue to me regardless of what it was. Would you tell a friend who didn't ask your opinion and had cancer she should have eaten more veggies? Really OP? Ask yourself..."is this helpful? Is this kind? How will this person benefit from what comes out of my mouth?"

 

 

The issue is not adoption at all. The issue is that this woman was informing you and confiding in you a serious health issue and did not ask your opinion on how to have more kids and you tell her she should. If she wanted them- she would and it isn't your place to tell her to do so. I would apologize immediately and sincerely. I would also rethink if you do this to others- maybe you alienate people without realizing it. People tend to dislike seemingly preachy, holier-than-thou moral lectures from people who know nothing about such a delicate issue-ANY delicate issue. Worry about how you live YOUR life. Just food for thought. Best of luck!

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When you suggested another option she probably projected her anger onto you.

 

 

 

She didn't say she wanted more children, nor did she ask for another option. She was stating a choice she made that worked best for her. I think it was extremely "ballsy" of OP to challenge that. Just saying. If this friend is over the age of 10 she knows how babies are made and about adoption. Being supportive might look like "that sounds perfectly reasonable and you sound really responsible. Good for you" and leave it at that unless she asks your opinion.

Edited by AnneT1985
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You were offering what you thought was a helpful suggestion. You opened your mouth (& put your foot in it) out of kindness, not spite. In doing so you inadvertently hurt your friend. Apologize & move forward.

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Standard-Fare

It really depends on where your friend was coming from in this conversation.

 

For example, if she seemed very conflicted about the idea of not having any more children, and was openly sorting out this confusion with you, you weren't in the wrong to bring up the topic of adoption. If that was in the spirit of helping her consider all her options.

 

But if she has firmly decided not to have any more children -- and was confiding in you her personal reasons for that -- then it was rude for you to completely disregard her stance. It's like you didn't listen to her at all. She said "I know I don't want any more kids because of this reason," and you plowed ahead with "Well here's how you can have more kids."

 

If it's the second scenario, I'd be pissed off too if I was your friend, but I think it's something she should be able to get over. Apologize for the communication failure and lack of sensitivity.

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I agree with Keenly. I am also utterly flabbergasted that you would even think saying something like that is remotely OK to say to a friend. I agree with your friend and would also question my friendship with you if you were that dismissive and flippant towards an obviously huge issue to me regardless of what it was. Would you tell a friend who didn't ask your opinion and had cancer she should have eaten more veggies? Really OP? Ask yourself..."is this helpful? Is this kind? How will this person benefit from what comes out of my mouth?"

 

 

The issue is not adoption at all. The issue is that this woman was informing you and confiding in you a serious health issue and did not ask your opinion on how to have more kids and you tell her she should. If she wanted them- she would and it isn't your place to tell her to do so. I would apologize immediately and sincerely. I would also rethink if you do this to others- maybe you alienate people without realizing it. People tend to dislike seemingly preachy, holier-than-thou moral lectures from people who know nothing about such a delicate issue-ANY delicate issue. Worry about how you live YOUR life. Just food for thought. Best of luck!

 

Exactly.

 

She didn't exactly ask for my opinion but don't I have a right to it?

Was I honestly wrong??

 

Yes, you were wrong. Do you have a right to it? Lol, really? Unsolicited advice and inconsiderate suggestions like this are rude and inappropriate. You have a right to say anything you like, even if it is insensitive, but she certainly has a right to put you in your place when you do it. Your friend is hurting because she cannot not have anymore children due to some terrible mental health issues...advising her to simply adopt children is pretty silly, and demonstrates a lack of understanding and empathy on your behalf. People don't appreciate being patronised when they're pouring their heart out to a friend.

 

I can see that you may have done this unintentionally, but your refusal to apologise to her for hurting her feelings and responding insensitively is concerning. You seem to be concerned only with yourself right now, and you are upset with her because she told you to keep your unsolicited advice to yourself. You aren't worried that you hurt your friend while she was reaching out to you? You don't feel the need to apologise for offending her?

 

I suggest you work on your social skills before you lose too many more friends.

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I see where she took offense and also see where you probably didn't mean it that way -- but WHY would you assume that someone who just told you she's having postpartum depression wants another child? I think she's got too much on her plate already. PPD is complex and does involved hormones, brain chemistry, etc. but it also involves a child being the straw that broke the camel's back and not being able to handle to keep having and caring for kids. What she needs now isn't another kid. She needs to take care of herself now so that she can take care of the kids she already has in the future.

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A good rule of thumb to use when a friend pours their heart out about

something that's painful for them, or weighing heavily on their mind---

 

Ask first, before giving advice.

Friends don't always want, or expect another friend to 'fix' their

feelings. Many times , they simply want to be heard, & have their feelings/pain validated----By sitting quietly to listen, you demonstrate that you care.

 

Merely by the virtue of your presence.

 

If a friend is looking for advice/solutions, they'll let you know.

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As said OP didn't intend to be hurtful, but this is a very sad issue for this woman.

.

 

Just reach out and apologize, OP.

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seekingpeaceinlove

You didn't mean to offend her but you did. That's all that matters. It's obvious that she's dealing with intense emotions with this issue and your "suggestion" came off as insensitive and thoughtless.

 

You have the right to your opinion but it's not always best to air them.

 

Don't try an offer your friend an explanation as to why you said what you said or that you tried to offer a helpful suggestion...Simply apologize to her and tell her you're there to support her. That's it.

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whichwayisup

Let her know how awful you feel for hurting her feelings and apologize. Give her a big hug, tell her you love her and are there for her.

 

It really doesn't matter if you were right or wrong, her feelings were deeply hurt and that has to be the focus, that you didn't intend on hurting her, what you said came from a place of love and care, not meant to be malicious or cruel.

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todreaminblue

As a woman who cant have more children, the option wasn't mine to choose not to, I would not be offended by your suggestion, as I have considered these options myself that and fostering kids, I have taken in a few street kids who didn't have beds before so yes I would consider it.Sounds like to me she hasn't come to terms yet with her inability to have more children and she i supset not the best time fro suggestions.I can see you meant no harm or foul...Doesn't change that she isnt happy about the situation and probably just wanted a listening ear not advice or solutions....hope she forgives you and your friendship continues...best wishes....deb

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ThursdayChild

I guess I was feeling like it is not really fair for her child to not have siblings and that adoption is a good thing

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I guess I was feeling like it is not really fair for her child to not have siblings and that adoption is a good thing

 

So it's not fair to her child that she suffers from a condition that is preventing her from having more children, and you feel that she should adopt to compensate for her shortcomings?

 

Wow. And who made you the decider of what is fair and what is not? Why do you feel that it is up to you to tell her what is okay for her own child, and her own life?

 

If this was the attitude behind your remark to her, then she most likely picked up on that, and I can see why she is seriously upset. In fact, I very much doubt we're getting the full story here. What else did you say to her?

 

I wouldn't blame her if she cut contact with you permanently.

 

It is not up to you to decide how she should live her life. Do not impose your beliefs on others like this. This is not your place and frankly, your attitude is extremely off-putting.

 

As I said...work on your social skills and learning how to relate and empathise with others, or you'll end up with no friends at all.

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I guess I was feeling like it is not really fair for her child to not have siblings and that adoption is a good thing

 

No. Lone children are okay because they have other children as friends. It is far better to have a happy healthy parent than to have another sibling and a sick unhappy parent. Besides, of course, she knows adoption exists already. No one should be pressuring her to have kids at this point. She may want to do it again some day on her own, or not.

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VeronicaRoss

I think your friend might still be suffering from depression. If she is, she's not really able to be herself. You might ask her how she's doing, and leave that other conversation aside. Or talk to her husband to see if he's worried about her too.

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SpiralOut
I guess I was feeling like it is not really fair for her child to not have siblings and that adoption is a good thing

 

I find it concerning that you were thinking more about her child than you were about your friend. She confided something very personal and painful to you. She needed you to care about her feelings and to show her that you understand where she is coming from. Why were you thinking about the well-being of her child, instead of the well-being of your friend?

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whichwayisup
I guess I was feeling like it is not really fair for her child to not have siblings and that adoption is a good thing

 

I know you meant well but this is not true. Did you tell her that too? If so, I certainly can see why she'd be upset and feel it's none of your business to comment or give her advice about having more kids or not.

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ThursdayChild
Did you tell her that too?

 

 

 

No I didn't tell her the part about her child needing siblings (in my opinion), I just suggested adoption to her.

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I guess I was feeling like it is not really fair for her child to not have siblings and that adoption is a good thing

 

WTH?

 

Are you the arbiter of how many children people should have?

 

Why don't you focus on your own family rather than telling your friend how to manage hers?

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