Weird dynamic ex-friend/neighbour

[SerCay]

Here's an issue that has been on the back of my mind for quite some time, and I'd like some genuine advice about it from you guys.

 

I have a neighbour living next door to me, the other neighbours in my apartment are seperated from us by 2 doors.

 

At first when I moved here, this neighbour and I really got along very well. Even though our age gap (me 27 she 49) we started a really nice friendship, we confided in each other our secrets, our family history etc etc, I really liked this.

 

Of course I did notice some things in her traits which left me wondering...for example, she used to come over during dinner time, and I used to cook and suggest she has dinner with me since she was already here. She would stay and eat a good deal too. But when I was at her place, she used to wait until I was gone to start preparing her dinner, even though some days it got really late etc. I didn't pay a lot of attention to this issue though, as I figured everybody is different with their money and their ways of hospitality so I just respected it and chose not to let her stay for dinner again.

 

In the course of 6 months our friendship was now so deep and so tight, that we decided to start a small company together. Since we were living next door to each other, a small e-business in selling accessories for women would be easy to pull off. So we started preparations. All was going well. I was supposed to handle the administration and the computer-related stuff, and she was supposed to make the jewelry.

 

Then all of a sudden she disappeared for like 2 weeks. Not literally, but she just didn't come to our weekly meetings. Then after 2 weeks she came to my place and we started talking. She said something that really shocked me: she said she thought that I had installed a bug on her pc, to get into her bank account and that she was going to have her laptop checked thoroughly and installed again. That she didn't want to work with me and she thought it was my boyfriend's idea to do such a thing. :S righttt? What the actual f*ck was my only thought.

 

I of course replied to her that I wanted her to proove her accusations because she was talking jibberish and I told her I found it highly insulting for her to come into my house, freely drink tea at that exact moment, and then accuse myself and my boyfriend of such a thing. I said she was a looney.

 

She went away and of course was never able to proove such a thing, since it was complete and utter bullsheizze.`

 

When looking back on my frienship with her, just as in any relationship, I should've seen the red flags from the start. Way too soon we started talking about all our personal stories, and I told her way too much of my private life and about my relationship with my (then) boyfriend. I now regret that the most. She was so easily influenced by anything or anyone all the time. She had had multiple affairs with married men and her only daughter didn't want to have anything to do with her.

 

Anyway, my question to you guys is this: I live next door to the woman. I don't like being on a non-speaking basis with my only neighbour. on the other hand I do feel very very insulted by her and she's the type of person that waits until you say ''hi'' before she says something back. So far I have said hello, and she has always said something back, even sometimes came to have small talk with me. It just doesn't feel right. I honestly would prefer to not say anything when I see her and only to say hi back when she says it to me.

Also, this whole situation makes me uncomfortable, I would actually prefer not to be living next door to her any longer, but yeah that's not an option.

 

How do I deal with this? How do I make this feeling of discomfort go away and how do I interact with her?

Edited April 21, 2014 by SerCay

[CC12]

How do I deal with this? How do I make this feeling of discomfort go away

 

It's easier said than done, but...stop caring? That is your home. You have to feel safe and secure there. Letting a neighbor make you feel uncomfortable is just pointless and unfair to yourself.

 

and how do I interact with her?

 

Well, what kind of relationship do you want with her? You didn't seem clear on that. Do you want to be friends again? One could make the argument that it was just an unfortunate misunderstanding. Or if you just want to be cordial, it seems like you're already doing that. If you don't want to talk to her at all and only respond if necessary, you could do that, too.

[SerCay]

''That is your home. You have to feel safe and secure there. Letting a neighbor make you feel uncomfortable is just pointless and unfair to yourself''

 

This is exactly what I want! I should stop caring

 

And no, I definitely don't want to be friends with her, I want to just ignore her but that goes against my nature, that's why I keep saying ''hi''. On the other hand I feel bad about it, I feel like I should feel ok and safe, without having to be on speaking terms with that b*tch (sorry I really hate her).

 

Darn my politeness...wish I could be just a rude person that is totally fine with giving elders the FY look...but somehow deep in me, I feel sorry for her...

 

Yep..I definitely should stop caring. HELP

[preraph]

Oh, you poor thing. If everything you say is true, she sounds like she may have a paranoid personality disorder. I mean, unless something happened to make her think that. Also, find out from her who all she has given access to her personal information besides you in case someone is taking advantage of her. I'm assuming you know for sure your boyfriend doesn't have access to information he could use to have gone after her financial information.

 

Honestly, her moochiness and cheapness alone would have prevented me from getting very involved with her. It's not okay to only take and not reciprocate. Knowing this, you went ahead and got involved in business with her, knowing she's got money issues, at the very least.

 

If she has paranoid delusions, nothing you can say will change her mind. So don't waste your breath. Just make sure no one else is doing this that you are responsible for giving information to and then your conscience is clear. Then you need to promptly end your business arrangement. I would definitely distance myself socially as well. A polite hello in the hallway, no more free dinners for her or exchanging personal or financial information.

[VeronicaRoss]

Wow, let's all be glad this came to light so fast.

 

I know how it is to get involved with a female friend only to regret it. It's so...seductive at the time! Emotionally seductive. Don't be mad at yourself, sounds like you're handling this as well as you could.

 

Doesn't sound like moving is an option? Maybe not that uncomfortable?

 

If she's not harassing you and it's just uncomfortable I'd just think to myself when I see her "There she is, we are safe in our own corners again and thankfully that's all that happened" when I see her and then give her a smile and a nod when you see her and *keep your distance*. If she tries to engage you just say you don't have the time but have a good evening and keep going.

 

In less than a year you won't even be thinking about it when you see her, she'll just be part of the neighborhood again.

[SerCay]

Oh no, I don't want her to change her mind, I want her to move away or something hahaha

 

Jokes aside, she DOES have a lot of paranoid thoughts, not only towards me, also towards her old friends, towards her ex husband, towards the people she goes to church with, her co workers etc etc, at first I really thought (naively) that all those people HAD actually done her wrong, but after the incident with me, I realized she's paranoid. It's so stupid, on the one hand she's paranoid, on the other hand she goes around trusting people she doesn't even know; we were at a fair for new company owners, and she just randomly told EVERY piece of info there was about our company to whoever that asked her. Afterwards I had to remind her that she should keep things for ourselves, because ideas might be stolen and it's none of nobody's business anyway.

 

@Veronica: Moving is not an option for me, I own this house and selling would take me far too long and too much effort at this point. Besides, like you say, I'm not THAT uncomfortable and I love my tiny little place, it's just that I don't like being awkward. HA that's the word I was looking for,...AWKWARD.

[preraph]

If necessary, you could lie and tell her you took on more responsibility at work and are going to be very busy working at home afterhours doing an extra project for the office. Of course, her being paranoid, she will hear whatever she wants to hear.....Just be "busy."