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I finally deleted her.


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Shortly after ending our engagement, my ex-fiance hit on my best friend. They have never met in person and had never communicated during our engagement. He was drunk when he hit on her, and he apologized to both of us the next day, and I let it go.

 

However, they started to communicate more after this and he started to develop feelings for her. He started to make big advances on her, telling her that she was the only one he wanted, etc. Eventually she told me. She hadn't taken him seriously before, which is why she didn't tell me right away. But also, she enjoyed the attention and desire.

 

A true friend wouldn't enjoy the attention and desire from your ex-fiance. She thought his behaviour was sickening and disgusting. Yet, she didn't outright stop him.

 

I ended up blocking my ex for ONE NIGHT (as did my friend and a relative of hers who was his FB friend) and he got SO mad and then I felt bad and unblocked him, and apologized thoroughly. I was made to be wrong and I believed it.

 

He wrote a love song for her and sent it to me, and told me not to assume what it was about.

 

He eventually deleted me on FB and continued to pursue her, even after she got into a relationship. She kept him on there. When I asked her why, she said I was stirring up drama. Um, no. She had delete guys in the past for unwanted attention. I think it's reasonable for me, your good friend, to feel hurt that you would keep him around.

 

So, I went on Facebook today and deleted her. Because she is not my friend. She didn't stand up for me with him at all. :(

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You did the right thing by deleting her. You want to go NC, so you can move on and heal.

 

 

It truly sucks to have been betrayed on both sides.

 

 

This is their bad, not yours. Be thankful you dodged a bullet and got both of them out of your life.

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Thanks for your encouragement, ja123. It still hurts so much. My ex-fiance doesn't seem to be aware of the gravity of his actions. He pursued her, risking my friendship with her, and her relationship with her partner, and my friendship with him. His infatuation, and his pursuit of her, was evidently more important to him than any of that.

 

He KNEW how much she meant to me. It was his idea that we would help her pay for the flight to our wedding if she needed help to pay for it, because he knew she was *that* important to me. And she was going to schedule her schooling around our wedding, making sure she would be able to attend without having to miss any classes. They both know how much the other meant to me.

 

My friend never called him out on his behaviour, and must have effectively made it seem like it was okay and legitimate. I blocked him, showing him that his actions were wrong, and he became infuriated. Having granted him so much power over the years, I fell for it, thinking that I was in the wrong.

 

A hard lesson to learn. Two of the people who were the closest to me, gone.

Edited by sooshi
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Of course, it's going to hurt like hell. You were betrayed bu 2 people close to you.

 

 

It's an additional mind-f*ck when your ex-fiancée minimized what you were feeling and didn't back you up. And actually encouraged the situation!!!

 

 

It'll take some time to get over. Go NC with both of these people.

 

 

Remember that their poor behavior is not a reflection of your worth - it shows that they're scum and you don't need scum in your life.

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Maybe it wasn't clear, but it was my best friend who didn't back me up. But the only thing my ex-fiancé said in consideration of my feelings was that he knows it must be hard for me (that he had feelings for her).

 

Sending me a love song that he wrote for her after I'd told him I wasn't uncomfortable with his feelings for her was disrespectful and inconsiderate. He had never written a love song for me, and it felt like a punch in the heart, to say, "I've never met your friend but she inspires me to write this song. I wanted to marry you but was never in love with you and you n ever inspired me to write a love song for you."

 

Sigh.

 

Thanks again for your words of encouragement. This situation has definitely impacted my sense of self-worth and my self-esteem. Thanks for reminding me that this is not a reflection of my worth.

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I am SO PROUD of you!!! I know how difficult that was in so many ways: realizing it, accepting it, and dealing with it. She shouldn't have even been talking to him after your breakup, ESPECIALLY once he started developing feelings for her. Yes, she should have absolutely had your back. I've had similar things happen to me. You reached the correct conclusion much faster than I did and handled it beautifully. Way to go on realizing your own self-worth and standing up for it!

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seekingpeaceinlove

Horrible, Sooshi. Block em both and move on. Erase them from your life as they are causing you more harm than good. Your "best friend" is not a friend and your fiance is a gigantic douche. Their actions say everything about their character and nothing about yours. Hold your head high, my dear.

 

Knowing this, you and only you can control the amount of negativity they bring into your life. It looks like you've chosen to cut them off. Good for you. Surround yourself with positive, loving & supporting people. Cut out those who are toxic to you.

 

Stay strong and don't feel bad. Take back the power and find some peace. At some point, you won't give a damn about them anymore.

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I am SO PROUD of you!!! I know how difficult that was in so many ways: realizing it, accepting it, and dealing with it. She shouldn't have even been talking to him after your breakup, ESPECIALLY once he started developing feelings for her. Yes, she should have absolutely had your back. I've had similar things happen to me. You reached the correct conclusion much faster than I did and handled it beautifully. Way to go on realizing your own self-worth and standing up for it!

 

 

Thanks, Rubypumped. This was over a month ago, and I only deleted her today. I didn't see the situation clearly, allowing her justifications to shadow the reality of everything. This forum helped me see this properly. She said she enjoyed the attention and the desire, and that she probably wanted to see how far he would go. She also said she didn't take him seriously, which is why she didn't stop him or tell me in the first place. Doesn't matter whether you interpret it as being real or not; it happened.

 

I'm sorry that you had similar things happen to you though. It's hard, to lose the people who you thought cared so much about you, and who were closest to you.

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Horrible, Sooshi. Block em both and move on. Erase them from your life as they are causing you more harm than good. Your "best friend" is not a friend and your fiance is a gigantic douche. Their actions say everything about their character and nothing about yours. Hold your head high, my dear.

 

Knowing this, you and only you can control the amount of negativity they bring into your life. It looks like you've chosen to cut them off. Good for you. Surround yourself with positive, loving & supporting people. Cut out those who are toxic to you.

 

Stay strong and don't feel bad. Take back the power and find some peace. At some point, you won't give a damn about them anymore.

 

Thank you, seekingpeaceinlove. Neither of them seems to understand what you all seem to see, about them being in the wrong. My friend knows she should've told me sooner about their interactions, but she has never stood up for me to him, even after I told her that it hurt me that she hasn't and that it is what I would like. My ex-fiance doesn't seem to be aware of the pain he caused me, either. He only sees that I blocked him, encouraged my friend to do it, and that I sent a short message to congratulate my friend's partner after they got together (I'd been rooting for them for months). My ex-fiance told me that I had crossed too many lines, and I felt for it, feeling unworthy of his friendship. He knows that this is how I've felt, and he let me continue to feel that way by not saying anything. :(

 

They've both told me that I've been causing drama. No, I don't think so. I think it's reasonable to feel hurt and angry that my ex-fiance and my best friend got involved like this, and that my best friend didn't have my back at all in terms of standing up for me with him.

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Neither one of them were as good a friend to you as you were to them and didn't care much about your feelings. Don't ever keep friends around who poach your bf/gf! They're not friends, just opportunists. A true friend will not do it and will not make you worry about it and will out any one of your dates who does it to you and run them off.

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My thoughts exactly, preraph. If the roles were reversed, I would've told her right away and blocked the guy. Her reasoning is that she didn't take him seriously and wanted to try to understand his perspective. I don't think that really justifies anything.

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The more you tell us about them, the more I know EXACTLY what you're talking about and can only say good on you.

 

Don't you love that he tried to say YOU crossed too many lines when this is how he was acting???

 

I've gotten the "you're causing drama" thing too. People want to do anything they want with no consequences and nobody expressing their pain. They're the ones causing drama and if you say anything at all they say it's you!

 

The things I heard when I went through this type of thing: "you're being selfish, their friendship has nothing to do with you, you should be happy that they're happy" and "your friends can't fight your battles for you." Those things would apply if it was something small or stupid and people ALREADY had EQUAL loyalty to you (like they were never really friends with either of you or were equally friends with you from before you started dating). But for big things like this, and if one of them is way closer to you like your friend was, their actions are selfish, immature and are betrayal!!!

Edited by Rubypumped
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Thanks for your thoughts, Ruby.

You're right, he crossed so many lines. I'm not sure I had that concrete thought until I read your post. Thank you for helping me realize that in its entirety. Unfortunately, I bought into it all: I believed that I was causing "intolerable drama" (his words) and that I had crossed too many lines (all his words). *I* apologized for hurting him, felt so immensely guilty, and must've just allowed him to feel no guilt at all, especially since my friend never called him out on his behaviour. It hurts to think that he doesn't see what he has done, that he feels no remorse at all.

 

They weren't friends. They barely know each other, but they do know how much the other meant to me, which is just part of why it hurt me so much.

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It's interesting that my mind will revert back and see how she responds (if she ends up contacting me). A part of me is worried that I have hurt her feelings/upset her. But I know that's just reversion talking. I will remain assertive if she does contact me.

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When I asked her why, she said I was stirring up drama. Um, no.

 

To be fair, it sounds like there was a whole bunch of drama when you asked her to block him the first time around. Can't really blame her for wanting to stay out of it this time. And here I'm going to fill in some blanks you left in your story so correct me if I'm wrong, but I'm thinking it was you who asked her to unblock him after you started regretting what you set in motion. If that's how it happened, then you are way out of line to expect her to block him again.

 

So, I went on Facebook today and deleted her. Because she is not my friend. She didn't stand up for me with him at all. :(

 

I know it would feel much better to you if she had told him off and harshly rejected him, but that's not how some people deal with things. She could have handled it better, but you acknowledge that she apologized and felt badly. She's not his friend and they do not talk to each other. She didn't reciprocate his advances. She did end up telling you what he was doing. And she did agree to block him in what appears to be a show of solidarity to you. I don't see the big betrayal that you're seeing.

 

I think you're still angry with your ex (look how much of this thread is about him) and you're taking it out on your friend.

 

I will remain assertive if she does contact me.

 

Remain assertive how? Because if you're still planning on taking her calls, then you should not have blocked her in the first place.

 

I'm sorry about your bad breakup. Hope you feel better soon.

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I compartmentalize everything now. When I'm dating someone I don't talk about or introduce her to any of my friends. It's like winning the lottery if you just happen to find a friend/relative and a partner where neither will try to f you over in one way or another.

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Thanks for your thoughts, CC12.

 

I did not ask her to unblock him; that was her choice.

 

I was extremely upset when I asked her to block him. To me, his advances on her were incredibly disrespectful to me. I thought that, as he was my friend, he would have told me about his intentions to pursue her first. Because I did not feel that he was a friend after all, I didn't want to make it seem like his behaviour was okay or that I would put up with it. My friend had no problem with blocking him.

 

I have not asked her to block him again. What bothers me though, is that she has deleted almost every guy on her FB in the past due to unwanted attention. So, when she keeps my ex around, it does hurt, and it doesn't feel like what a friend (let alone, a close friend) would do, especially after my ex had removed me on there.

 

She told me that she enjoyed the attention and the desire she got from him. I don't think that a friend would.

 

I haven't blocked either of them. I removed her from FB--she is still able to contact me by phone, etc.

 

For a while, I saw what you saw... that she didn't reciprocate his advances, etc. But then when I got insights from others on here, I began to see things differently. I've gone back and forth, seeing more of what you see, and seeing more of what others have shown me.

 

But let's say that, yes, it was indeed me causing drama. I have apologized relentlessly. I have felt immense guilt, so much to the point of suicidal ideation, thinking that I am a terrible person (he told me I was one of the most manipulative and untrustworthy people he has ever known). Ugh. I am sorry. :(

Edited by sooshi
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gaius, I was friends first with both of them, and they knew of my friendships with each other. They never communicated throughout the duration of our engagement.

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Maybe I was overreacting. I felt sooo bad for hurting him, but that wasn't my intention at all! I didn't find his actions as a friend acceptable and was extremely hurt.

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I have felt immense guilt, so much to the point of suicidal ideation,

 

Please nip this in the bud. This is your number one problem right now that you need to attend to. Forget about your ex, your girlfriend, and Facebook for now. Get yourself some help on the suicidal ideation first.

 

Here's a number you can call for immediate help with that: 1-800-273-8255 (National Suicide Prevention Lifeline)

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Don't worry, CC12, I am far away from that point now. But I had felt intensely guilty at the time, as my ex had lashed out at me, and apparently had never been more angry with anyone in his life, and I believed the harsh words and that I was the source of his anger, making me feel like I was a truly awful person for reacting the way I did.

 

Again, I am very far away from feeling anything like I did back then. I still feel badly, but I do not have thoughts of suicidal ideation at all anymore.

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wow what a story.... those people were never your friends.

I truly wonder how and why your fiance wanted to marry you since he was so quick to pursue another woman? And even hit on her while you were still together?

 

You dodged a major bullet here sooshi, now go and take of your lovely self.

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He didn't hit on her while we were still together, but did a few days after he ended our engagement. He was drunk though, apologized to both of us, and I let it go. But then continued to communicate after that.

 

Thanks for your thoughts, SerCay. I had found out that my ex had a crush a couple of weeks before I found out it was her. When I told her that I found this out, she said she was sorry and that she knew it was hard for me. It was saddening, but I thought it'd help me to let go. I was disappointed that she knew it was her and didn't tell me what was going on until about two weeks had passed. Oh well.

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mercuryshadow
Thanks for your encouragement, ja123. It still hurts so much. My ex-fiance doesn't seem to be aware of the gravity of his actions. He pursued her, risking my friendship with her, and her relationship with her partner, and my friendship with him. His infatuation, and his pursuit of her, was evidently more important to him than any of that.

 

He KNEW how much she meant to me. It was his idea that we would help her pay for the flight to our wedding if she needed help to pay for it, because he knew she was *that* important to me. And she was going to schedule her schooling around our wedding, making sure she would be able to attend without having to miss any classes. They both know how much the other meant to me.

 

My friend never called him out on his behaviour, and must have effectively made it seem like it was okay and legitimate. I blocked him, showing him that his actions were wrong, and he became infuriated. Having granted him so much power over the years, I fell for it, thinking that I was in the wrong.

 

A hard lesson to learn. Two of the people who were the closest to me, gone.

 

 

I'm sorry for your pain, sooshi. :( It's remarkable how many stories I read on LS are very similar to my life experiences. I've been where you are, almost exactly. I was engaged to my son's dad almost ten years ago now, and after our relationship ended, he pursued my "best friend" (even after he had gotten into a relationship, himself!) and she divulged a lot of my private info to him. I didn't know about any of it until their emotional affair blew up in their faces. To this day, my ex friend still tries to reach out to me. Why she did what she did, I don't know, and it's not for me to know. I'm cordial, but very careful with her now if I ever do speak with her (usually via text). I forgive her for her poor judgment, but I am confident that she has no place in my life anymore. As for my ex, well, I have to talk to him because we share a child. Luckily, he's grown up a bit over the past decade. For his own sake, and for the sake of our son, I always hope for his happiness, and that he learns how to make better choices for himself.

 

 

You're not alone, sooshi. I truly hope that once you are healed, you seek out other, better quality friends, and a relationship with a man who would never dream of hurting you in such a way as this.

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I'm so sorry you had to go through that, mercuryshadow. :( Thank you for sharing your story and about where you're at with them all these years later.

 

I'm so glad that you have a wedding coming up! I know it can be painful to have your friends cancel their RSVPs, but the important thing is that your fiance will be there. :) I love your username, by the way :)

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