How do you deal with hot and cold friends?

[MissLY]

I have a friend who acts hot and cold whenever we hang out. One day she's super excited, happy and fun to be around. But sometimes I don't know which personality I'm going to get. Because there are other times where she'll have an attitude and give me one word answers. Its like pulling teeth and I absolutely hate it. She even rolled her eyes when I introduced her to a guy that I was dating.

 

After this happened, I became fed up and decided not to invite her out anymore. Then several weeks later, I get a text from her saying "OMG long time! Lets hang soon! Spring is finally here... I'm ready for day drinking and boys!!"

 

I have yet to respond to her.

 

Here is some background history... We were once roommates for 2 years. We also fell out in 2011 because of some drama that she started about me. But once I cut her off, she came running back to me begging to be friends again... so I gave her another shot.

 

So my question is...what is this about? How do you deal with hot and cold people?

Edited April 14, 2014 by MissLili

[Rubypumped]

Dump her. She has caused way too much drama for a long time.

[Arieswoman]

Miss LiLi,

Who needs enemies when you have friends like that?

 

She could have Bi-polar Disorder, but even if she does it doesn't seem to me that she is engaging with her condition and/or trying to manage it.

 

Bipolar disorder - NHS Choices

 

I agree with others, that you don't need the drama.

[preraph]

If it gets to where you're not having fun, then just back off the relationship.

[Sugarkane]

I know someone like this. She's been diagnosed with bipolar. When she's super low, she ends up in hospital.

[melodicintention]

It is very potential she is bipolar or maybe even involved in some activity that takes her time away sometimes. But it is also potential she could be using you, or just plain frickin' weird. Either way, never deal with a person who is hot and cold. I did with my so-called best friend from high school for years. We aren't friends now. Looking back, I wish I didn't make excuses for her dis-interest. I wish I didn't chase after her but rather invested that energy in more compatible friendships.

 

Friendships are like tennis, if she's not serving the ball back find a new partner. If she does then great, but don't go out of your way to nurture a relationship with her or anyone hot and cold. You may just see her as an acquaintance only.

[Tayla]

Usually i will work towards accepting them as is. Then delve into what may really be the root of the discontent or even share in their current happy go lucky way. True friends understand one another. Not every moment is roses and sunshine. Thank goodness my friends didn't play doctor and diagnose me when i had my solemn days and trying moments in life. Instead they allowed things to be or encouraged ways to work thru matters. Maybe your style isn't meant to support or accept them. Nothing wrong with that. Maybe this friend is indeed moody and simply isn't your cup of tea. Place her in the social zone and move along.

[preraph]

An earlier poster mentioned bi-polar. And it made me remember that actually an old friend of mine started doing that as well. I lived with her off and on when we were college age and just beyond. We were very close, had lots of big adventures together. It was all very easy in the first couple of years. The first difficulty started when we were holed up on a ranch alone together too long, but I just put that off to cabin fever. She would get mad if I read too long in a certain chair. There were plenty of places to be comfortable there.

 

Then in the next few years, she became increasingly hard to understand. Like we would meet out of town for a concert and be all excited, be staying at a hotel and making a couple-day deal out of it, and then just abruptly, she might get in a sullen mood and decide she had to go home. At the time, I thought it was because of her boyfriend, who was a jerk and tried to keep her from socializing, and I do think some of it was that, but then why did she come to begin with. I never thought of her as someone who would let someone boss her around like that -- and this was in the days way before cellphones, so maybe she called him or something from the hotel, but I didn't know about it. Anyway, she became more and more like that. Just abruptly shutting down and exiting.

 

I lived out of town and she had kids. Well, then things deteriorated very quickly. I would call her maybe once a month to chat. I was the same old me. We were partiers, you know, and I was still having a great time out going to concerts and stuff. Anyway, she finally just tried to make it out like I did something and she ended the relationship. I didn't do anything but call her once a month and exchange letters sometimes, same as always. She was just looking for an excuse. I mean, don't blame me if you marry a jerk and have kids and it makes you crazy. She had kids on purpose because she and I always used birth control, so it's not like it "just happened" to her. I get it makes you busy, but really? Too busy for a once-a-month quick chat? At the time, I really thought it was more about her husband than about the kids, though. She divorced not too long after. I thought I might hear from her once she was out from under his control, but i had to get that news from her parents. Of course, they'd still have had a lot of contact because of the kids. So maybe she never did get out from under his control and away from his alcoholism.

 

Her mother had bad mental problems before anyone knew what to do about them, so that was always in the back of my mind. But if my friend ever got diagnosed, she didn't tell me about it, but I'm assuming bi-polar or worse developed as she got closer to 30. She just seemed like such a down to earth person when we met. I mean, we were wild, but both of us were practical minded and had common sense. It hurts to lose a friend that way.