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Friend is Dating New Guy


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So this is a really touchy subject, because obviously people are going to have strong opinions on both sides, but here's the situation.

 

One of my good friends has recently got into a relationship with a new guy. I've known her a few years now and she's a really great girl, but her last relationship was beyond devastating. Without going into too much detail it involved abuse, infidelity, a called off wedding, and lawyers to this day.

 

She's been seeing this new guy only about a month but already they are in an official relationship, eh not so much a big deal for some folk, but I think they moved super fast. He was already referring to her as his "girlfriend" to his friends after the 2nd date.

 

We had a night out last night and she was really excited to have her friends meet him. She's done nothing but gush about how wonderful he is, how he's set the bar so high, that he's everything she's ever wanted in a guy, he's been wining and dining her, bought her an extravagant gift for her birthday... sounds great right?

 

Well, we met him last night. And needless to say, about 5 of us have issues with the guy. It took me no longer than 10 minutes in his presence to realize things are off, and there are bad vibes all around. I wasn't even the one to bring it up, someone else did, and then the rest of us were like, "OMG I thought it was just me!!"

 

Just a few clips from last night:

 

- made a comment about buying her clothes from now on?

- asked her to move in

- was on her phone responding to her text messages

- made a bad comment about two of her friends she's known for years

- while she was making out with him his eyes were open and his hand was stretched out and was browsing Facebook

- left the night early (her bday celebration) because he had to get home or else he would continue drinking, get wasted, and lose control. Admitted he can't control himself when he drinks. (This guy is almost 30)

- has a real party boy attitude about him, doesn't seem like he's looking for any real deal, just the rush of something new

- when he made a comment how he can't control himself he said, "oh i've just been judged. Oh well!"

- Ignored all her friends from that moment on, sat by himself.

- Didn't say goodbye to anyone when he left, he just walked out.

 

I personally think he came off like an arrogant a.sshole. But my friend is absolutely star struck by him and frankly, brainwashed, as she's contemplating moving in, and she made a comment essentially choosing this guy over girl friends she's had for years.

 

She has a lot of girls who care about her, no one wants to see her get hurt, and she made a comment regarding her last relationship that she was sad no one came to her and told her they saw red flags. So now people have openly stated they are going to be honest with her and don't like what they see.

 

She was so sad last night when he left, her face was devastated. The old friend I knew would have been having a blast, ordering more shots, dancing, laughing. When he left, she looked miserable, and stated that she wanted to go home. We did.

 

I can't for the life of me understand how a guy who's been around all of 45 seconds has this much control and effect over her emotions and behaviors, and I can absolutely see her isolating friends, cutting people off, just because we don't like him.

 

Do I be honest? Keep my mouth shut? Frankly, I was disgusted with what I saw, he's extremely transparent and I saw right through him.

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I'd tell her my opinion. I appreciate my friends telling me their opinions. It is the point of having your bf meet your friends.

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Without stating exactly what you think of him (don't use the words arrogant Ahole, LOL) point out the behaviors. Did she notice he was surfing Facebook while making out (I hope she did!)? Ask why he answers HER text messages. Discuss his admitted lack of control over drinking. (I'm sure at this point time, she'll excuse all of it)

 

You're in a tough spot. It sounds like she's really into the material - being wined, dined, expensive gifts. So naturally, she'll jump at having someone buy her clothing (how degrading, he'll probably pick it out for her)

 

 

You may indeed lose her as a friend, at least temporarily. But I'd actually prefer that to watching the train wreck in progress. It's up to you whether you'll be there for her after the inevitable demise. Good luck.

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Definitely tell her. As her friend you owe her that much. She on the other hand may not want to listen, but we all know that's her choice. It's unfortunate if that's the road she chooses and it sounds like from your description that she's definitely blinded by who knows what. The guy sounds like a douche.

 

Bottom line - Tell her, just be prepared that she may not like what you have to say.

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Why not have your friends do an intervention and tell her what you enumerated here? If you say it alone, she will dismiss it but it will have more impact hearing it from everyone at once. Draw parallels between this guy and the other one who treated her badly.

 

However, you have to make this a last minute thing because she will tell this new guy she is seeing you all and he will KNOW what is up and poison her mind.

 

Tricky.

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You're in a tough spot. It sounds like she's really into the material - being wined, dined, expensive gifts. So naturally, she'll jump at having someone buy her clothing (how degrading, he'll probably pick it out for her)

 

Ding ding ding.

 

You're spot on. 1,000%. She's made many comments about how she expects a guy to wine and dine her, pick up the tab always, spoil her with gifts. This guy apparently has tons of money, his own house he just bought, etc. This is all she sees with this guy.

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However, you have to make this a last minute thing because she will tell this new guy she is seeing you all and he will KNOW what is up and poison her mind.

 

This is exactly what one of my friends said. It's obviously he's a great manipulator and the fact she's willing to dismiss friends of years for a guy of 30 days is alarming. My friend literally said this, "She isn't XXX anymore. She's XXX's girlfriend."

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Ding ding ding.

 

You're spot on. 1,000%. She's made many comments about how she expects a guy to wine and dine her, pick up the tab always, spoil her with gifts. This guy apparently has tons of money, his own house he just bought, etc. This is all she sees with this guy.

 

Assuming they're having sex, I'm willing to bet it's crappy sex. But she'll settle for it, because he's got money. Guys like that rarely put forth an effort to please, and are extremely selfish.

 

 

What are the similarities between this guy and the last one?

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Assuming they're having sex, I'm willing to bet it's crappy sex. But she'll settle for it, because he's got money. Guys like that rarely put forth an effort to please, and are extremely selfish.

 

 

What are the similarities between this guy and the last one?

 

I heard a snippet of conversation, not sure how the beginning went, but he said something, and I guess it was nothing good b/c my friend goes, "Do you want sex next weekend?"

 

I don't think she knows what great sex is b/c her ex was very selfish and reserved in bed and she was with him for many years. She's not very adventurous herself so I don't think she'd really be able to determine crappy sex vs. mind blowing sex anyway.

 

I don't think there are many obvious similarities, this guy is a huge partier, typical NJ boy, from what she's said about him it seemed he had his life together, his own business, loads of money, his own house, and then we meet him in person and he just seems like a raging douche.

 

We didn't like the fact that he referred to himself as a "wanderer" when he drinks, and how he has a "particular personality" and "he knows himself" and just wanted to leave before he started "wandering." Whatever the hell that even means.

 

To me it screams: Cheater.

 

He's not as awkward as her ex. Her ex was a bit goofy, socially dumb, this guy comes off polished, and kind of snake like.

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Just leave her alone and let her be. If she is happy then she will learn on her own or maybe this guy isn't as bad as he seems. There is no way you will ever talk her out of it at this point.

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hoping2heal

What an incredibly sad situation! I think it is understandable that you all (her friends) would be hyper-vigilant about her next relationship because of what she went through prior.

 

Something is going on below the surface with your friend that she repeatedly gets into these bad relationships. You could say the problem is this guy, but chances are if this guy were to leave, she would take up with another of the same level - I don't mean to be presumptious but the fact that she went through such an awful experience and yet all of the red flags aren't giving her pause leads me to believe this.

 

I know she claims to want someone to point out the red flags to her, but I think there isn't much chance of her actually listening. She's blinded by something - for whatever reason - and she sadly will not likely see the "light" until the relationship ends.

 

It's tough to watch that so my condolences.

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Maybe she needs someone to dominate and control her?

 

It may not be for you or the rest of her friends but it may be what she truly desires.

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What an incredibly sad situation! I think it is understandable that you all (her friends) would be hyper-vigilant about her next relationship because of what she went through prior.

 

Something is going on below the surface with your friend that she repeatedly gets into these bad relationships. You could say the problem is this guy, but chances are if this guy were to leave, she would take up with another of the same level - I don't mean to be presumptious but the fact that she went through such an awful experience and yet all of the red flags aren't giving her pause leads me to believe this.

 

I know she claims to want someone to point out the red flags to her, but I think there isn't much chance of her actually listening. She's blinded by something - for whatever reason - and she sadly will not likely see the "light" until the relationship ends.

 

It's tough to watch that so my condolences.

 

This I have to agree with the most. She is in therapy to figure out why she stayed with her ex, and even when she was with her ex she was in therapy and would hide the things he did to her, only revealing it once the relationship was over, and even then, the relationship wasn't ended by her, it was ended by the guy.

 

She does tend to stay in bad situations, hide what really goes on, makes excuses, and I see it happening all over again.

 

Definitely going to have to agree that there's something below the surface we don't know about. It's very sad.

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When one person charms another person, it can be very difficult for wary friends to get through to them. Good luck, as I'd imagine she will be a little resistant and reluctant to heat you out.

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I would just say to her that I'm not all that keen on him and leave it at that. If she inquires further, I would still be vague and evasive. The point of this is to let her know, but not really, that you don't approve of him. She will keep this in the back of her mind and when/if the time comes where she's having problems with him, she will ask you your opinion then. Right now she's star struck and not ready to hear it, and it will just drive a wedge between you and her/her friends. One thing to remember is that she is an adult and is responsible for her own decisions in life. You are not responsible for her faux paus in life. And this will not be the last friend you have where you don't like their boyfriend or husband.

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If it was me I would really appreciate having a friend like this because I haven't had a friend like this before. Asking to move in after only the second date? WTF? I don't understand why she isn't being more cautious?

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