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Friend in Abusive Relationship


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Hi, I haven't been on here in forever but I'm back to seek advice on helping a friend. She has been in an emotionally abusive relationship for years, has threatened to leave multiple time, some of which has caused suicide attempts (taking a whole bottle of Tylenol) on her boyfriend's part, which then resulted in her going back to rescue him. For the last few years I haven't seen much of her, maybe once every 1-3 months, I'll contact her to make sure she is okay in between but that is all unfortunately.

 

Two weeks ago they broke up (I think she initiated), she moved out into her own place, and she was distraught. I saw her a few days after the break up and helped her unpack, she was destroying everything from him, pictures, etc. which I saw as a good sign. A week later I couldn't contact her, messages to her phone were undeliverable and calls wouldn't go through. I found out that she was on a trip with the ex. Since then I haven't gotten a response from her. I am trying not to push her but I want to support her, he has been known to be manipulative and I have no doubt he manipulated her to come back to the relationship (just as soon as she was strong enough to get away.)

 

She was in counseling a few years ago, I don't know if she still is for sure. So my question is, has any one here read a book that was helpful in initiating or maintaining no contact? She managed to get away once, I have faith she will be able to again, but I think she needs encouragement. Any other advice on what I can do to help?

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I'm sure there's books. For me, reading John Douglas's books on profiling of serial killers is what made me realize abusers never get better and only escalate and how very dangerous it is and how they always apologize all over themselves and women want to believe they'll change, but they won't.

 

 

I would try to get her to just go to a women's shelter or victim's advocate in her area. If you can't find one (they keep locations secret) the victim's advocate or equivalent at the police station can direct you. She needs to counsel with them and then they can help her get out.

 

I have a friend with an emotionally withdrawn abuser and he will let her get all the way to where she's ready to move out with the kids before he'll say something nice to her -- and that's all it takes to keep her there for another year because she's altruistic and thinks love can cure someone.

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Thanks preraph! She has her own place to live and can always stay with friends, so I'm not sure that a shelter is necessary, unless they have additional resources available as well that I am not aware of. I hadn't thought of a victim's advocate, I will do some research so that when I am able to talk to her again I can give her more information about options.

 

Her boyfriend does the same thing as your friend's abuser she is ready to leave and he will be incredibly nice for days on end, she keeps thinking that if he is like that all the time they would be fine but after a week it starts declining and within a month he's back to where he was when she was ready to leave, then it takes her a while to realize that the nice guy isn't coming back anytime soon. It's all a vicious cycle.

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