She isn't treating me like a 'close friend'

[notsointerested]

It's been 33 days since I asked a girl out on a date, more information can be found here.

 

https://www.loveshack.org/forums/platonic/friendship/466208-i-told-my-close-friend-i-love-her-now-she-ignores-me

 

Since that post, I have completely lost any feelings for this girl. I have made myself accept that she isn't attractive to me and I'm not attached to her any more. Yet, I still regard her as a friend and she regards me as a 'close friend'.

 

She knows I don't have feelings for her but she still doesn't want to hang out when it's just us two, she'd want her friend to join in. I don't see the point in that, it's like she's there to see her friend and not me. However, she is fine with me walking her back home like we used to. On the other hand, she has no problem inviting her other male friends to her flat or to have dinner with. I know she is treating me differently to her other male friends. Despite her telling me that I'm her closest male friend in the class, I don't feel her actions reflect this. We still joke around and have fun when we are together but I feel things are different, even after she says they aren't.

 

Is she just staying friends with me to keep me happy? She is that kind of girl to be honest. College finishes in a week and after that we won't have to see each other again for a few months when it starts again, maybe forever if one of us drops out. She says we can still meet up (with her friend) but I highly doubt this will happen, she will just ask her friend and not me. I have helped her with some work in the past few weeks so could it be that she is just using me?

 

So what should I do now? Cut her off completely when college finishes or just stay as distant friends and just have a chat every now and then?

Edited April 9, 2014 by notsointerested

[xxmusical]

Even though she knows that you don't have feelings for her anymore, she might be scared that being close friends (or being too close) with you would cause your feelings to return. I would probably feel like that because I've gone through something like this (me, being the girl). To be honest, it would be hard to expect things to be the same as before your confession. It may be true that she still considers you as her "closest" male friend because she trusts you, confides in you, gone through a lot, etc. but she doesn't want the physical proximity *yet*. It will take some time... I can't say whether it will be "normal" again after several months, but yes, expect the friendship is changed. Her saying the friendship didn't change is most likely a lie, but that may be because she doesn't want to hurt your feelings. (This would be something that I would do too, not because I want to lie to the guy purposely, but because I want to save the friendship too).

 

Remain as friends, but give her space. Why risk losing a friendship by forcing her or pushing her too much? When she's ready, she'll find you. Good luck.

[preraph]

Under the circumstances, her behavior not wanting to be alone together is totally appropriate. After all, friends hang out not just one on one but with others. One on one is too intimate for her now that you guys have been through what you've been through. If you really want to be her friend, then accept what she feels comfortable with. Being together one on one could make you vulnerable to her once again and she knows this. It isn't a good idea.

[SummerAngel]

I've never been friends with an ex. I would encourage you to give it some space. I question why she is bringing her male friends around. Is she trying to make you jealous? What are her true feelings for you? How will being friends with her affect a new relationship? I don't think this relationship is going anywhere but down. I would give some space and re-evaluate. It's too confusing and stress you don't need. You deserve friends who know what they want and are nice to you. Not confusing exes who don't know what they want. Hope that helps.

[notsointerested]

I've never been friends with an ex. I would encourage you to give it some space. I question why she is bringing her male friends around. Is she trying to make you jealous? What are her true feelings for you? How will being friends with her affect a new relationship? I don't think this relationship is going anywhere but down. I would give some space and re-evaluate. It's too confusing and stress you don't need. You deserve friends who know what they want and are nice to you. Not confusing exes who don't know what they want. Hope that helps.

 

She isn't an ex, just a girl that rejected me. She has a lot of other male friends but she treats them differently to me. She is nice to me though, but it's confusing how she says I'm a close friend when she doesn't show it

[InnocentMan]

Her other 'male friends' are playing the friend zone game better than you did. Chalk it up to experience, because you will soon be faded out completely. Seems like you dived in too quickly.

[Sugarkane]

Why are you so desperate to be friends with someone that rejected you? I wouldn't bother with this person and move on.

[CC12]

She isn't an ex, just a girl that rejected me. She has a lot of other male friends but she treats them differently to me. She is nice to me though, but it's confusing how she says I'm a close friend when she doesn't show it

 

I think you need to be reminded what you said in your other thread that you linked to:

 

She agreed to being friends but said we shouldn't be as close as we were before, which I said I was fine with.

 

Looks like she's behaving exactly as she said she would. You told her you were fine with it, and you clearly are not. I do think you should distance yourself, but not because she did something wrong, like you're portraying it. It's because you seem to have unrealistic expectations and you don't really listen to what others are telling you. It's done. Just move on.

[notsointerested]

Thanks for the feedback everyone.

 

College has finished now and all that remains are the exams. It means I potentially won't see her for 3-4 months if we both don't get a job or 12-14 months if both of us find a job or never again if just one of us finds a job. I am going to miss her company so much. At the same time I think our close circle of friends might be finished. There's only 3 of us left and I think I'll be left out eventually when the other 2 girls (who are best friends) do their own things together.

 

I can't let my summer be overshadowed by worrying about this girl. She probably will be glad to see the back of me. It's a sad thought but it's reality. I don't want to cut her off completely since she's still a friend but I don't think it's healthy for me being too close to her.

 

I feel like the only way I can fully move on without her is to find a new group of friends. But what on earth is there to do in the summer when there is no college and many people are on holiday in another country? I want to meet new people but how?